The Adventures of Dogus Balbay in America

This Week: DOGUS IS A LONGHORN NO MORE

Dogus has been here for too long. In Turkey, he was highly-regarded prospect. Here, he is bionic-legged joke. They mock his shooting. They say he is slow and useless. If Dogus so slow, why is he regarded as defensive specialist? Huh? Dogus ask you that!

The season went well enough. Dogus won more games against the hated 12 than he ever had before. After the disaster of last season, the doubters doubted Dogus and the Longhorns. It felt good to beat expectations instead of failing to live up to them.

But the feeling was fleeting. After being good, suddenly the Longhorns played bad. They lost to the Huskers of Corn, from Nebraska. Dogus chuckled, because "husking your corn" means something TOTALLY different in Turkey. But that's for another time.

The Longhorns limped into the tournament figuratively. Dogus limped in literally and figuratively. The Longhorns always fail in the tournament, Dogus thought. Dogus was right.

People tell Dogus Arizona Wildcats are good. They tell Dogus that the referees were the ones who failed, not the Longhorns. Dogus knows better. He knows the Longhorns are no good in March. This doesn't bother him. Dogus is gone from this place of drunkenness and wanton fellatio.

Dogus will miss this, but he is ready to return to the land that made him a hero. He will pick up where Allen Iverson left off.

U Mad?

The Adventures of Dogus Balbay in America

Dogus Balbay is was a point guard for the University of Texas. After playing well in the Turkish basketball league, he has come to the United States to better himself, and hopefully make more money. These are chronicles of the trials and tribulations of culture shock.

This week: DOGUS IS DEAD! LONG LIVE DOGUS!

Dogus is dead. He has no more reason to go on living. He has been dead for quite some time now, for all intents and purposes. His ligaments, they have been torn.

Who will want Dogus now? The agents say that there is nobody in the market for a slow point guard with a treacherous left hand and no jump shot. Not even on the Kings! Shit! What will they do? No more Longhorns for Dogus, and no more basketball. Dogus fears that they will throw him out of the country like a common Armenian.

What's worse is that the team has died. No dancing this year. No fun at all. Dexter has started to eat his feelings. Avery Bradley has already sold his books, gone back to Las Vegas, and put all of his money on black. He asked if Dogus wanted to come. Dogus knows better than to dabble in games of chance.

And now Dogus will never get his hands on the trophy. No riches for Dogus, and no wishes either. All he ever wanted was to rub the sweet trophy and meet the genie inside.

Oh no! A yellow turban may get his hands on the precious trophy!


YOU BE GONE, YELLOW TURBAN!

Omar Samhan: What?

Dogus: You'll never fool Dogus! Dogus knows the tricks of the yellow turbans! Dogus has dealings with them before, in the home country!

Omar Samhan: I'm from just outside San Fransisco. Who are you?

Dogus: A thousand apologies. I thought I had seen you before. Nevertheless, HANDS OFF THE LAMP-- er, TROPHY! GOD WILL NOT LET YOU DANCE AFTER TONIGHT!


Maybe this place isn't for Dogus after all. Dogus loves this land, though. They have cleavage. And bacon. And bacon-flavored cleavage. Hopefully Dogus can stay. Maybe he'll get Brad Buckman to put in a good word for him at the Austin Toros. Maybe.

Fancy that! We get to keep playing!

Fit like min, hey? This Aberdonian is bonnie like it's hogmanay!

Many a bas blethered that we would not make it this far. FUCKLE to the neaps whose brackets we 'ave boosted. FUCKLE TO ALL THE NEAPS I SAY! The bams from Kansas dinna deserve to get to the sweet sixteen. They received naught from their moorish twins and young Xavier. Oh, and Sharron is a prat.

They put up a wee rammy, but twasn't mooch erefore we were quaffing with the quines back at the pub. Oh, how the bonnie quines let their petticoats fall at the sight of mine visage!

You better can your havering ere Fryday, when put a knuck in the gob of those Spartans fae Michigan State. Faur will you be? At your mum's painting your wee nails, you ladymen!

HARHARHARHARHARHARHARHARHAR!

Raise your pints to the Northern Iowa Panthers!

Hey Assholes

See this video?

Yeah well unless you sign up for the GRH bracket pool your one shining moment this month will be telling people an inflated amount of how much you drank during St. Patty's day.

All you have to do is sign up for a FREE yahoo account.

go to fantasy sports, tourney pick em.

Search a group ID, and enter the password.

You have until Noon tomorrow, so get on that shit.

ID: 68965
Password: grh

Hey What's Up?

Hey everybody, my name's Blaise Ffrench, and I play for the University of Texas at El Paso Miners. I hope that all of you are just as excited for the NCAA tournament as I am. We had a really great season. I'm especially proud of ending Memphis's amazing conference winning streak. Hopefully we can continue our success through the weekend, by upsetting Butler in the first round.

You guys are following along, right? I know for a fact that my good friend Steve Lattimer set up a bracket pool for fans of this blog. This is a pretty sweet blog, by the way. I read it whenever Internet access is up and running in El Paso.

Anyway, all you have to do to enter the bracket pool this year is sign in to Yahoo! Sports (with your easily-attained free Yahoo! ID), then enter the following for your Bracket Pick 'Em:

Group ID# = 68965
Password = grh

Ok guys, hope to see you all there. If not, then Ffuck You! I'm Blaise Ffrench! Go Miners!

On the Go: Matt Jones, Pudge, and Cutler

The off-season is often wrought with players on the go to new locales, be it by their own volition or otherwise. Here's a brief of some notable names who are the latest to get the respective boot.

Matt Jones - WR, Jax Jags: Released.

Matt "Booger Sugar" Jones was mercifully let go by the Jacksonville Jack Del Rio's this morning. Jones, who was a star in his native land of Arkansas, has been a devastating disappointment, even in 2008, his "best" statistical year, hauling in a little under 800 yards.

Jones was sent to the pokey after admitting to drinking a few beers while playing golf a few days before his drug and alcohol test. What's even dumber than this is that it is reported that Jones was drinking Milwaukee's Best while golfing. So not only was Jones flushing his career down the pooper, but he was doing so with poorly-crafted brew.

For shame, Matthew.

I've waxed somewhat poetically on the disappointment of Jones' once bright future, and conclude again that he'll get picked up by Arkansas alum Jerry Jones. There he will try a little bit, catch one or two passes that will make some people go, "Hey, this guy is a professional football player," and nonchalantly chop up some more nose candy, this time in the finer company of Michael Irvin et al.

Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez - C, New York Yankees: Signed with Astros.

The Pudge Train stops for no man, not even a Steinbrenner. Pudge has been traded to Houston for $1.5 large, with los opportunistas for $1.5 again.

Pudge is commonly known as the biggest whore in baseball, having played for nearly every team that has ever existed at one point or another. His latest Golden Glove was in 2007 when he happened to be playing for the Detroit Tigers when they happened to go to the World Series, meaning that the rest of the world would have to put up with him for at least another few years.

Pudge is a definite Hall of Famer, and has one of the neatest monikers in basebol. That's not to say he doesn't have a little bit of Farve in him. Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

Icehouse, translate all this for Pudge.

Jay Cutler - QB, Denver Broncos: Asking to be traded following afternoon nap.

Pshh. This guy. This guy and his pouting.

At first, I have to say that I kind of sided with Cutler. I mean, who wants to play for a guy who actively tried to ship you somewhere else before even meeting you.

Then I realized that this wasn't Pop Warner football, nor was it a charitable Powderpuff League. It's the NFL, where once-great players are kicked out the door without so much as a thank you once their talents wane to become "only better than average."

Steve McNair was the face of the franchise in Tennessee, and lead his team to a Super Bowl. And while perhaps management thought he was dumb enough to not notice or remember that he played for the Titans (and believe me, he's dumb enough to actually think that), the organization jobbed him good, and he landed on his neck in Baltimore.

I have much more respect for McNair than Cutler, and I just called the former nearly retarded. Quit whining. It's not like Denver is a gridiron haven. You're tremendously overrated right now, and maybe you're just trying to get yours before you get gone. But do there have to be so many tears? Your teenage angst does not serve you well, Mr. Sulkface.

Get over it. Scramble in the pocket. Make decent passes. And thank God you made it out of the Vanderbilt athletic department with a career in professional athletics.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

I was thinking the other day, wouldn't it be cool if I could see some more random sports on TV?

Let me give you an example.

When I was a kid we use to play this game called "Yellow Fever"
The game had simple rules.
1. Take a tennis ball and mark it.
2. Acquire a tennis racket.
3. Designate a "King"
4. All others close their eyes and lay flat on the ground.
5. The "King" hits the tennis ball.
6. First one to find the tennis ball and return it back to home base becomes the new King.

Other than that, there are no rules.

Deceit? Fine. Alliances? Common. Violence? Encouraged.

But here's the thing. This would make for great TV. AM I RIGHT!!!!

So for the Shit Storm, we want to hear about any types of sports/games that you want to see go pro.

When I say "go pro" I mean anything that you would want to watch on a weekly basis. (TV)

You can tackle this problem several ways.
1. Make up a sport.
2. Take an existing sport that is not mainstream.
3. Use a theoretical sport....like my first selection.


SPEEDBALL!!!

So let me get this straight. There is a game. Combining aspects of football, soccer,and basketball. Along with body checks, flying spinning kicks, and customizable armor?

Count me the Fuck in.

So for the shit storm tell us the sport/game you want to see go pro.

And just for some strict guidlines, let's keep this to things that are currently not on T.V, so sorry things like Soccer and Tennis are out of the picture.

Storm Begin.