Monday, March 16, 2009

On the Go: Matt Jones, Pudge, and Cutler

The off-season is often wrought with players on the go to new locales, be it by their own volition or otherwise. Here's a brief of some notable names who are the latest to get the respective boot.

Matt Jones - WR, Jax Jags: Released.

Matt "Booger Sugar" Jones was mercifully let go by the Jacksonville Jack Del Rio's this morning. Jones, who was a star in his native land of Arkansas, has been a devastating disappointment, even in 2008, his "best" statistical year, hauling in a little under 800 yards.

Jones was sent to the pokey after admitting to drinking a few beers while playing golf a few days before his drug and alcohol test. What's even dumber than this is that it is reported that Jones was drinking Milwaukee's Best while golfing. So not only was Jones flushing his career down the pooper, but he was doing so with poorly-crafted brew.

For shame, Matthew.

I've waxed somewhat poetically on the disappointment of Jones' once bright future, and conclude again that he'll get picked up by Arkansas alum Jerry Jones. There he will try a little bit, catch one or two passes that will make some people go, "Hey, this guy is a professional football player," and nonchalantly chop up some more nose candy, this time in the finer company of Michael Irvin et al.

Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez - C, New York Yankees: Signed with Astros.

The Pudge Train stops for no man, not even a Steinbrenner. Pudge has been traded to Houston for $1.5 large, with los opportunistas for $1.5 again.

Pudge is commonly known as the biggest whore in baseball, having played for nearly every team that has ever existed at one point or another. His latest Golden Glove was in 2007 when he happened to be playing for the Detroit Tigers when they happened to go to the World Series, meaning that the rest of the world would have to put up with him for at least another few years.

Pudge is a definite Hall of Famer, and has one of the neatest monikers in basebol. That's not to say he doesn't have a little bit of Farve in him. Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

Icehouse, translate all this for Pudge.

Jay Cutler - QB, Denver Broncos: Asking to be traded following afternoon nap.

Pshh. This guy. This guy and his pouting.

At first, I have to say that I kind of sided with Cutler. I mean, who wants to play for a guy who actively tried to ship you somewhere else before even meeting you.

Then I realized that this wasn't Pop Warner football, nor was it a charitable Powderpuff League. It's the NFL, where once-great players are kicked out the door without so much as a thank you once their talents wane to become "only better than average."

Steve McNair was the face of the franchise in Tennessee, and lead his team to a Super Bowl. And while perhaps management thought he was dumb enough to not notice or remember that he played for the Titans (and believe me, he's dumb enough to actually think that), the organization jobbed him good, and he landed on his neck in Baltimore.

I have much more respect for McNair than Cutler, and I just called the former nearly retarded. Quit whining. It's not like Denver is a gridiron haven. You're tremendously overrated right now, and maybe you're just trying to get yours before you get gone. But do there have to be so many tears? Your teenage angst does not serve you well, Mr. Sulkface.

Get over it. Scramble in the pocket. Make decent passes. And thank God you made it out of the Vanderbilt athletic department with a career in professional athletics.

1 comment:

  1. No idea why Houston insists on signing former juicers.