The Adventures of Dogus Balbay in America

Dogus Balbay is a freshman point guard for the University of Texas. After playing well in the Turkish basketball league, he has come to the United States to better himself, and hopefully make more money. These are chronicles of the trials and tribulations of culture shock.

This week: DOGUS GOES TO THE MOST RETARDED PLACE ON EARTH


Dogus is apprehensive. Coach Barnes and the team say that we are going to play a rival. They say that we lose to this team too much. They say we hate them. Dogus is apprehensive, and his back itches.

Dogus’ teachers and fellow students keep telling him that the place we are going is ugly. They tell him that the people are ugly and have sex with cousins. Dogus pictures Serbia in his mind. The teachers say, “Play well!” Normally they say, “don’t worry about the test.” Dogus is again frightened. Dogus can’t even finish his pita.

Dogus and the team get on the bus. The team puts on rap music. Dogus dances. Connor Atchley tries to dance, but fails. Two hours later they arrive at their destination.

The game starts. Dogus cannot dribble with his left hand. Dogus’ shot selection is poor.

Dogus is overwhelmed. Everyone where reddish brown. Everyone has military-style haircuts. Dogus doesn’t want anything to do with the army. Where Dogus is from, army is no joke. Sometimes army comes to house. Dogus is afraid that the army here might take him away.


Everybody screams in a high-pitched fashion. “Whoop!” they say. Even t-shirts that say, “Whoop!” This reminds Dogus of the yellow turbans. Dogus hates those fucking yellow turbans, and begins to understand. Dogus thinks that everybody around him is cross-eyed. He also thinks that Quan was right and that everyone here is retarded. Still, Dogus is apprehensive. Dogus throws the ball out of bounds.


Coach Barnes yells. AJ doesn’t score in the first half. Dogus still cannot dribble with his left hand. This was never a problem in Turkey.

Dogus is disgusted at how he is playing. Dogus is also disgusted at the people around him. Even Kurdistan is better than this place, Dogus thinks to himself. And nobody wants to go to Kurdistan.