Thursday, July 10, 2008

Matt Jones Busted for Booger Sugar

Well no wonder this kid was so fast. Matt Jones, formerly of the Arkansas Razorbacks and soon-to-be-formerly of the Jacksonville Jaguars, was busted around 12:45am on Thursday, July 10 behind a bar in Fayetteville chopping up what was admittedly cocaine with his credit card. Jones was apparently baffled that the blow wouldn’t take credit or debit.

Jones is best known for being the all-time leading rusher among quarterbacks in the SEC and for his screw-this-I’d-rather-play-Halo attitude during his days at Arkansas. Blessed with a mediocre arm but incredible Caucasian dexterity and speed, Jones was taken 21st in the 2005 draft as one of the first true ATH’s, and made into a receiver. But this prodigal son of Northwest Arkansas is, by most accounts, screwed at this point.

During his tenure at Jacksonville, Jones reportedly keeps locking horns with Coach and all-around-BAMF Jack Del Rio. Jones’ attitude, marked by some as “cool-under-pressure” but by others as “lazy,” frustrated coaches and fans alike. Usually, in high school or college, Jones would just bust a 90-yard run for touchdown to shut everyone up, or he could just beat Houston Nutt into the ground. Unfortunately for young Matthew, Jack Del Rio both doesn’t care for his Sean-Penn-in-Fast-Times-at-Ridgemont-High demeanor and could devour Jones in one to two sittings. The Jags have drafted other receivers and brought in two former first-rounders Jerry Porter and Troy Williamson as well, clearly leaving the beginnings of a trail of breadcrumbs (or crack rocks) for Jones to follow to the door. Luckily for them, now they don’t have to pay the kid to release him.

According to my sources on the Hill, Jones and two other former players who aren’t and never were important enough to reference were caught white-handed behind a bar on Dickson Street in Fayetteville. Dickson is a popular hang out and bar-sight where cops who need a break can go to easily bust underage kids and public intoxicants. This makes the bust on Jones even sweeter; not only was he a tremendous waste of God-given talent, but he is also as dumb as a burlap bag filled with mayonnaise. Everyone knew cops are littered in that area, but Jones and his merry idiots were chopping powder in what boils down to a high-school hangout. Think about how quickly the cops would have shown up to The Max if Screech and Tyrone Biggums rolled in six grams of the snow. That’s how stupid Matt Jones is.

Being a professional-caliber athlete usually takes a lifetime of dedication and the work ethic of a Budweiser Clydesdale, but Jones made due with God-given abilities, and by “made due,” I mean “made millions.” It sucks because I loved watching the guy give teams fits (he really is a freakish physical specimen…definitely the whitest guy to ever run a 4.32) because his speed was so deceptive due to his long stride. But that was pre-booger sugar. It really is too bad he had to go down like this; another product of South Florida devouring some country bumpkin’s soul. I guess Jerry Jones will give him a spot on the Cowboys, though. Maybe there’s a Dallas-silver-lining in all of this.

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