Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Josh Hamilton, the Texas Ranger whose comeback story is more compelling than Rudy and Spaceballs combined, is continuing to turn over new leaves, even leaves that are customarily untouched. Hamilton has picked up one of baseball's newest yet most coveted endorsement deals, the Home and Garden Channel.
The Home and Garden Channel, or HGTV as it's known in the Bingo parlors, is the latest move by Hamilton to clean up his image. The visage of a tattooed and hardened heroin junkie has been lifted and replaced by a the image of a tattooed Sunday-loving-schoolboy. He's kind of like that guy in your local Sunday school who is covered in ink, but is socially acceptable in those circles because they're all about Jesus and His friends. Just like Darren McFadden.
The HGTV endorsement is a tremendous fiscal boost for Hamilton. The Texas slugger lost nearly all of his previous endorsements, such as High Times Magazine, Hairy Harry's Meth Lab (based out of Saline County, Arkansas), Columbia (the country, not the outdoors-wear) and Chef Boyardee. When Jiminy Cricket was welcomed into the picture, those fair-weather sponsors fled, leaving Hamilton with only his mere millions to get by.
However, this landmark endorsement had been put on hold after an investigation following Hamilton's standout silver medal performance in the Home Run Derby this year in New York City. It was rumored that Hamilton had returned to drug life after he was overheard saying in between homers, "Man, this feels so great! I haven't felt this good since the last time I did a lot of meth and heroine at the same time." He was then seen trying to scratch his tattoos off and eat a small child, leading many to believe that he was back on the smack, when in fact he was just really emotional about the crowd chanting his name.
Following a routine drug testing stool sample conducted personally by Commissioner Bud Selig, it was revealed that Hamilton was full of fiber, loosening his stance and subsequently leading to a more smearing blow to the baseball, which is one of the keys to his major-league swing. Plenty of fruits and vegetables were the source, and hence, HGTV came running with a whopping $411.00 contract for the next four years. Hamilton, so incredible enthused by the endorsement, apparently covered all of his tattoos with new tattoos, including helpful tips to increase one's apartment's storage space, and also each appendage featuring one of the four food groups, with this chest revealing the food pyramid. The Guns -N- Roses tattoo on his back remains, partly because both guns and roses can be found in both homes and gardens and also because he really freaking loves Guns -N- Roses.
HGTV deals and not-doing-heroin aren't the only family friendly activities with which Hamilton has been engaging. Some of Hamilton's other ventures include cutting a soft R&B album. While he is already well versed at hosting several compilation album infomercials, Hamilton is planning on collaborating with some of America's softest favorites, including Michael Bolton, Boyz II Men, Lance Bass, an old recording of a Luther Van Dross demo, Sara Bareilles, and Slipknot. His first single "Let Me Stick My (Love) Needle Into Your V(ein)" should be out in time for the Christmas season.
"Charity" is Josh Hamilton's former-favorite-drug-dealer's-alias, and is something very close to his heart. Hamilton is now clear to participate in all MLB sanctioned charities, including the United Way, the Jimmy V Foundation, and so on and so forth. Wouldn't you know it, just like hitting 28 meaningless home runs in the first round of the Home Run Derby, Hamilton went above and beyond, founding his own charity, The Peter Gammons Foundation for Peter Gammons. Major Leaguers and fans alike can now come together to take care of the octogenarian Gammons and aid him with his everyday chores, such as eating pudding, turning on the closed caption on every set in his house, and changing his Depends. Hamilton will hold a press conference immediately prior to the first post-season game (which neither he nor his team will be playing in) and feed Gammons the first ceremonial and neglectful spoonful. Gammons likes tapioca but loves Murder She Wrote.
What does the future hold for Hamilton? He says he'd love to do some more charity work, like helping John Kruck find his feet and helping Sammy Sosa learn English. But really what he'd like to do is get back in touch with his family. "I don't really remember a lot about my kids, or my wife, I just remember sometimes they got caught in the crossfire of my fist and their faces. But I'm not here to point fingers, but I think that all of the drugs, alcohol, prostitutes, Big Mac binges, and anti-freeze huffing may have gotten the best of Josh Hamilton." He also stated that he plans to keep on referring to himself in the third person, the only true way to show once repentance while also showing due arrogance.
We here at GRH salute you, Mr. Hamilton.
Posted by Zack Stovall at 2:12 PM