SEC Preview: Haters Unite

The stars have aligned for every other conference in college football; the SEC will be noticeably weaker this season.

The SEC, especially in the western division, won't be able to hold up against the top-tier teams of rival conferences like the Big 12 and Big Ten. It's very likely that they won't be able to withstand mid-major schools, like Tulsa and Boise State. Appalachian State has a season-opener against defending champs LSU, and not that I think there will be such a monumental upset like the one witnessed in the Big House, but it would be a dark omen that would hang over the collective trailer parks of SEC-nation.

The main cause for this has been, of course, recent departures of high-caliber talent that the SEC breeds to the NFL, where they flourish with astonishing numbers. The Champs lost virtually everyone who was worth anything. I think their towel girl even spent all of her eligibility. Now their rolling with a Harvard kid at QB who seems like a genius to the Bayou faithful, like the Computer Wearing Football Cleats or some other kind of Disney-movie-premise. Arkansas running back Darren "We Got That Wood Right Hure" McFadden took his illegitimate-baby-making-show to Oakland, which takes away 87% of the total street cred the SEC had as of last year. Hogs' running back Felix "I Look Like Ashy Larry" Jones was drafted by the Cowboys, where I think he'll perform quite well out of McFadden's shadow. Other notable exits were made by virtually every team in the SEC, with two exceptions, national title contenders Florida and Georgia.

As aforementioned, it pains me to say that my beloved SEC West will be paltry at best, by SEC standards. Still better than most, I'd wager, but paltry. A division champ in the west could very well have a record of 5-3. Ouch. The problems with each are numerous and can be listed on and on (In order):

LSU is still LSU, despite having approximately four snaps of collective playing experience from both sides of the ball on the entire team. They're the best in the West, but this year that's sort of like saying they're the valedictorian of summer school. They're still going to be big, fast, and nearly legally retarded, but not nearly as potent as the year before. New recruits should be getting ample playing time, which is bad news for the rest of the country next year and the following. On another note, Les Miles is an alcoholic (note the final play of the LSU-Auburn game in 2007), but it is yet to be determined whether or not this helps or hurts the Bayou Bengals.

Second place belongs to two teams, but they're used to sharing space. Auburn and Alabama can be two or three, depending on how the season unfolds, but either deserves a pre-season second place nod in the division. On paper, Auburn is strong, returning most of their starters. They have been a strong presence in the country in the Tuberville Era, and made noteworthy marks last year against teams like Florida, who had national title-repeat hopes at that point. They also got beat by Central Florida, so they're kind of up in the air as far as tangible results go. They lost quarterback Brandon Cox due to eligibility, but they also lost him around the beginning of the season last year due to sucking-something-awful. I know I sound stupid saying this, but QB Kodi Burns reminds me a lot of an early Vince Young; remarkably unpolished but a remarkably potential talent. However, right now he's just more talk than walk. And what of Sabanation? Alabama totes what no other team in the west can boast: a senior quarterback. Say what you will, but Nick Saban gets paid a lot of money, and it's really likely that Bama can sneak in a game or two that they shouldn't. Not a lot of depth on either squad, though, but they'll be decent spoilers for the top SEC contenders.

Former Arkansas coach Houston Nutt traded in his faded Dickey's overalls in Fayetteville for a set of starched slacks in Oxford. Having witnessed a Nutt Revolution first hand, Ole Miss can possibly be a contender in the west, since the division is so weak to begin with. Timing is everything, folks. What Houston lacks as a coach he can make up for as a motivator. The Rebs could use some motivation since the Orgeron-Tasmanian Devil Era was stopped in it's drool-covered tracks. Nutt will take them to a .500 team, more than likely. They'll win a division here and there, if he stays long enough, but never an SEC title, and never a BCS game. It's what he's good for, and everyone knows it. He'll have help from former Texas QB Jevan Sneed, a transfer with what has been described as a "sexcannon" arm, while still being a running-oriented QB that Nutt prefers. There's already excitement in the Grove, but it will quickly be doused with Mint Juleps and chandeliers, regardless of how the Rebels fare, good or bad.

Bottom of the barrel now, and like the two fat kids at the back of gym class, it's a tie. I will never ever say that Mississippi State will be a good team. But, I have to admit they were relatively decent last year. Quarterback Wesley Carroll turned some heads as a freshman, and coach Sylvester Croom has a deep voice, but that's about it as far as the Bulldog's achievements go. Don't get too worked up though, Starkville; MSU being somewhere between the ranges of "laughable" and "tear-jerkingly-terrible" often turns heads. And Arkansas? I have Arkansas winning four (4) games this year. They won't beat non-conference opponent Texas, and they could possibly lose to Conference USA flunky Tulsa for former offensive coordinator Gus Malzahn's homecoming. Losing McFadden, Jones, Peyton Hillis, Marcus Monk, half the O-and D-line, replacing an entire secondary, and keeping a quarterback named Casey Dick will devastate the Hogs. Coach Bobby "Snake" Petrino will have a decent grace period though, and should do better in the future with Michigan transfer and Rich-Rodriguez-hater Ryan "Dreamboat" Mallett passing the ball and bringing real Petrino football to the Natural State. And unless Petrino football is looking like an awkward bunch of inbred retards trying to hump a vending machine, it won't be Petrino football this year.

However, I say this with a caveat; these are Jello-sturdy rankings and are subject to flip, flop and everything in the middle come kick off. Alabama could really roll, and I promise you Ole Miss and Sneed are going to be spoiler threats. Now in the East, the rankings are a little more structured from top to bottom, but teams still have room to swap places.

At the top, I have a tie for Florida and Georgia. Neither team lost anybody significant to the draft. Each team will showcase stud running backs, namely USC-transfer Emmanuel Moody and Knowshon "My Name Is Complicated" Moreno, of the Gators and Bulldogs respectively. Each team has a reliable veteran at quarterback, Drew "Fatty Arbuckle" Stafford in Athens and Heisman trophy winner Tim "Corinthians 3:21" Tebow in Gainesville. Moreno could replace McFadden as the SEC's elite back with another standout season, and Tebow will still be pretty good, although with Moody in the backfield, he won't have to will his team into a winning position all of the time (no way he wins the Heisman again, by the by, he won't have over twenty rushing touchdowns ever again in his life). In all seriousness, these two teams could be undefeated by the time they roll into Jacksonville for the World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party (which is kind of a fanny bandit name) on November 1st, and since Coach Mark Richt's less-than-thug challenge to his team to run out on the field and do a bunny hop after the first touchdown last year, the rivalry is bigger than ever.

Tennessee and Coach Phil "The Blumpkin Pumpkin" Fulmer will play SEC spoiler of the year; just good enough to compete, never good enough to contend. They've had to make a lot of replacements from top to bottom, their entire receiving corps from two years ago and QB Eric Ainge from this year, but current starting QB Jonathon Crompton got plenty of reps last year when Ainge rolled his ankle while dancing for tips, so should be good to go making the Vols potent, but rarely lethal. Coach Steve "Satan" Spurrier won't be able to summon the demons to take a share of the SEC east, like the threatened to do last year. Good ole fashioned South Carolina mediocrity will prevail as it always does, and Satan will go back to his hell-cave near Hilton Head's lovely golfing resorts.

Are Kentucky and Vanderbilt playing this year? I didn't think so. Who cares anyways? Andre "Small Mustache" Woodson was the flavor of the month at the onset of the 2007 season because he threw a really pretty and lofty pass that resembled a basketball shot over a football pass. It would sail high in the air, at a tremendously slow rate, and it would land on top of the receivers. It was quickly handled by defensive backs after he was figured out, and his career landed in the obscure pits of despair along with nearly every other Kentucky quarterback, including Tim Couch but not including Super Bowl Champ, the Hefty-Lefty himself, Jared Lorenzen. Vanderbilt's claim to fame, Denver Broncos quarterback Jay Cutler, just got diabetes in the off-season, supposedly after making a charitable visit to his alma mater. At least they're always dependably resting at the bottom, unlike Kentucky last year.

So what does this Mass of Mediocrity mean for the rest of the college football universe? I believe that this will be a banner year for other conferences to bookmark in their respective annals of history. The advocates of the Pac-10, Big East and ACC will look at this year and say, "Hey, they're not so good! But hey, we're pretty good! Hooray!" In fact, the SEC on a bad day is still better than those three conferences on a good day, with minor exceptions USC in the Pac-10 and WVU in the Big Easy East and sometimes Virginia Tech. The Big 12 and Ten will also claim the same thing; Kirk Herbstreit will still earn his Buckeye booster money and Mark May will stick his pencil-thin goatee and nose in the air and they will cry that this is the year that proves, once and for all, that the SEC isn't the best in the country year in and year out. Sorry guys, but that's not the case. The SEC routinely wins more bowl games than any other conference, routinely sends more players to NFL than any other conference, and routinely upsets other dominate teams from other conferences. In a given year, certainly, other conference leaders will be better than the SEC leader, whoever that may be in a given year. But from top to bottom? My money is on the SEC. This will be a weird and wacky year for the SEC, but it will have its share of highlights.

The SEC will be boring by SEC standards, but still great football. Game of the Year right now? Florida and Georgia on November 1st could possibly be both in the top five if not #1 and #2. My only request for the season is that someone, please anyone other than Ohio State go to the National Championship. Hopefully, this lull will only mean that the next few years will be great in the SEC.