Live Tweeting Auburn and Arkansas' Football Contest, October 8th, 2011

As many of you may know, in a past life I was a journalist. It may also interest you that in this current life of mine, I ALSO made a living by journaling for publications at one point. While I don't do that anymore, I must confess, the bug to fill people's brainholes with knowledge hitherto unknown still gives me quite the itch from time to time, as well as the bedbugs that have infested my bed (NATURALLY).

Such was the case Saturday evening, when I watched the Arkansas Razorbacks play the Auburn War Eagle Tigers (I'm assuming this is some indiginous Native American mythological beast that is part tiger, part eagle, part soldier and part brown, that is able to receive large sums of money without people caring). I began tweeting behind-the-scenes facts about the game and its players. It received a BEVY of responses, and thusly, as per my journalistic mandate, I am sharing them with a larger audience to create even more responses, all of which will grant me a larger profile. Huzzah!

While some may protest my allegiances, know this: a true journalist is one who is objective almost all of the time, except when he is not.

• Auburn Coach Gene Chizik looks like a flesh Muppet Jim Henson aborted and flushed down an oft-used toilet. Pretty sure that's all true.
• It's a shame that the Auburn players holding the play-calling numbers on their sideline are only getting just above minimum wage.
• Michael Dyer burned every bridge he had in the vertically challenged community for using lifts to alter his height. Lifts, in that community, are lies.
• Arkansas RB Broderick Green gets eight to nine hours of eat a night.
• Arkansas RB Dennis Johnson, who suffered a season-ending bowel injury last year, opted for an experimental, speed-enhancing prosthetic during his surgery, hence his nickname "The Batmobile."
• Auburn QB Kiehl Frazier's favorite show, naturally, is "Frasier," even though he doesn't understand what a psychiatrist is or how to spell "Kyle."
• Auburn's starting freshman center, No. 50, is none other than Grammy-winning singer/songwriter Adele.
• Auburn's Barrett Trotter, QB, is currently under NCAA investigation for starring in one of those Toyota commercials where the parents are having a great time without him.
• Gene Chizik's pregame pep talk fell flat when he told a too-soon, albeit hilarious, leprosy/Al-Davis joke. Clearly, his team is still shaken.
• Auburn LB Eltoro Freeman's nickname "The Narrator" come from his ceaseless in-game orations, NOT because his dad is Morgan Freeman, which is also true.
• Auburn's TE Philip Lutzenkirken is pregnant. Please do not tell his parents or the homecoming committee.
• Arkansas Coach Bobby Petrino's genius does not stop on the gridiron. Not only did he invent Groucho Marx masks, but he has invested those earnings BRILLIANTLY.
• Auburn's DeAngelo Benton was that kid in your 10th grade biology class that got way too into dissecting frogs. Also, he always blinks twice when he blinks.
• HALFTIME: Chizik is going back to the Al-Davis-leprosy jokes to fire his team up again, this time using props. This does not bode well for Auburn.
• Auburn's offensive coordinator Gus Mahlzahn has never once used toilet paper, which is somewhat disgusting. However, in his defense, he's never needed it before.
• Auburn QB Kiehl Frazer went through fifteen blue mouthpieces before Gus Mahlzahn convinced him they weren't Airheads, or even edible.
• Sources claim the funniest joke Auburn's Barrett Trotter has heard or told is pronouncing his favorite treat as "Famous Anus Cookies." Get it? Me neither.
• Arkansas' Joe Adams has one rush for 92 yards, the second-longest rush in Arkansas history. Sorry, that bit of trivia was irrelevant.
• Kiehl Frazier has been downing Mike's Hard Lemonades since about halfway through the third quarter. This hasn't impaired his ability at all.

And BEFORE YOU KNEW IT, the game was over. Arkansas had scored 38 points, while Auburn had only scored 14. After some quick statistical analysis from replay officials, aided by the University of Arkansas' Department of Mathematical Sciences, it was determined that Arkansas had more points, and was therefore, the victor.

DID I MISS ANYTHING? Of course not. But if there were some other aspect of this game I neglected to mention due to unimportance, and you would like mentioned, mention it yourself here in our unimportant comments section.

Good day! Godspeed! Cheeseburger!

Peyton Hillis Groggily Eats Bowl of Nuts and Bolts Instead of Traditional Cinnamon Toast Crunch

CLEVELAND, OH - Browns RB Peyton Hillis, groggy after a late-start this morning, reportedly at three pounds of nuts, bolts, washers, and other assorted bits of hardware, having mistaken the metal pieces for his morning bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

"Aw, dammit," said Hillis, a bruising 230lbs. back who was traded from Denver and has become the workhorse for the Browns. "I musta been on auto-pilot this morning. Ate some metal stuff again."

Hillis admitted that he realized his mistake about halfway through his bowl of metalware, but had "already used most of the milk and woulda hated to waste it like that." He also stated that eating three pounds of food for breakfast was not out of the ordinary, and that once he, Coach Eric Mangini and GM Mike Holmgren at 140 lbs. during one mini-camp breakfast.

Caption Contest! Homer Style!

Well, well, well. If it isn't a well-known sportscaster who happens to be ridiculously good-looking with the nation's best collegiate quarterbacker. Erin Andrews and Ryan Mallett? DO WE SMELL ROMANCE?

Could be. Sources indicate to GRH's Celebrity Gossip offices that she, feeling jilted by the braindead and drooling non-advances of another collegiate athlete and the coming out of another former flame, has sought comfort and has confided in the readily available, cannon-armed Mallet, who does not own, nor does he know how to operate, any sort of clandestine video recording device.

This week's caption contest is for these two newly-enthralled lovebirds, God bless them. Here's some starters for you!

• Erin: "My what a handsome penis you have!"
• Ryan: "I'd like to fling YOU around for a couple thousand yards."
• Erin and Ryan, in unison, Key of C: "Do you remember the first time you fell in love? Me neither, not anymore..."

You know, it's not effiminate to cry, just a litle, when you see two good people getting together. Caption on.

Woo Pig Sooie and Stuff!

This is really just an excuse to post this picture. I'm way too rational to be considered a true Razorback fan, but they're my favorite team, and they are expected to do as well as QB Ryan Mallett does this year.

Little to no hubris coming from this guy. Just statements of fact.

The More You Know.

Source Tells ESPN's Chris Mortensen Majority of Titans Are 'Bunch of Dumb Stupid Fartface Bullies'

NASHVILLE — An unnamed source close to the Tennessee Titans organization told ESPN's Chris Mortensen that several members of the team are "a bunch of dumb, stupid fartface bullies."

Mortensen broke the news shortly after returning to his home studio in Fayetteville, Arkansas, after a phone call with the source.

"Apparently, the team requires some rookie members to pick up garbage around the stadium, haul starters' luggage, and do wall-sits for an extended period of time," said the ESPN analyst.

"They also have to do bows-and-toes on the team bleachers."

The source also said that during throwing drills, other teammates exclaim "WEEEE!!!" after every pass certain quarterbacks make, and that several of the players act like "total jerks."

On the Go: Matt Jones, Pudge, and Cutler

The off-season is often wrought with players on the go to new locales, be it by their own volition or otherwise. Here's a brief of some notable names who are the latest to get the respective boot.

Matt Jones - WR, Jax Jags: Released.

Matt "Booger Sugar" Jones was mercifully let go by the Jacksonville Jack Del Rio's this morning. Jones, who was a star in his native land of Arkansas, has been a devastating disappointment, even in 2008, his "best" statistical year, hauling in a little under 800 yards.

Jones was sent to the pokey after admitting to drinking a few beers while playing golf a few days before his drug and alcohol test. What's even dumber than this is that it is reported that Jones was drinking Milwaukee's Best while golfing. So not only was Jones flushing his career down the pooper, but he was doing so with poorly-crafted brew.

For shame, Matthew.

I've waxed somewhat poetically on the disappointment of Jones' once bright future, and conclude again that he'll get picked up by Arkansas alum Jerry Jones. There he will try a little bit, catch one or two passes that will make some people go, "Hey, this guy is a professional football player," and nonchalantly chop up some more nose candy, this time in the finer company of Michael Irvin et al.

Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez - C, New York Yankees: Signed with Astros.

The Pudge Train stops for no man, not even a Steinbrenner. Pudge has been traded to Houston for $1.5 large, with los opportunistas for $1.5 again.

Pudge is commonly known as the biggest whore in baseball, having played for nearly every team that has ever existed at one point or another. His latest Golden Glove was in 2007 when he happened to be playing for the Detroit Tigers when they happened to go to the World Series, meaning that the rest of the world would have to put up with him for at least another few years.

Pudge is a definite Hall of Famer, and has one of the neatest monikers in basebol. That's not to say he doesn't have a little bit of Farve in him. Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

Icehouse, translate all this for Pudge.

Jay Cutler - QB, Denver Broncos: Asking to be traded following afternoon nap.

Pshh. This guy. This guy and his pouting.

At first, I have to say that I kind of sided with Cutler. I mean, who wants to play for a guy who actively tried to ship you somewhere else before even meeting you.

Then I realized that this wasn't Pop Warner football, nor was it a charitable Powderpuff League. It's the NFL, where once-great players are kicked out the door without so much as a thank you once their talents wane to become "only better than average."

Steve McNair was the face of the franchise in Tennessee, and lead his team to a Super Bowl. And while perhaps management thought he was dumb enough to not notice or remember that he played for the Titans (and believe me, he's dumb enough to actually think that), the organization jobbed him good, and he landed on his neck in Baltimore.

I have much more respect for McNair than Cutler, and I just called the former nearly retarded. Quit whining. It's not like Denver is a gridiron haven. You're tremendously overrated right now, and maybe you're just trying to get yours before you get gone. But do there have to be so many tears? Your teenage angst does not serve you well, Mr. Sulkface.

Get over it. Scramble in the pocket. Make decent passes. And thank God you made it out of the Vanderbilt athletic department with a career in professional athletics.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

If you find yourself second guessing your sanity when viewing the regular installment of the Friday Afternoon Fun Bag juxtaposed against the non-conventional author of the aforementioned Bag of Fun, guess again. You're sane, and stuff just got weird.

So weird in fact, that Icehouse's boy Jimmie got a little hammered, and then took an exotic vacation with his main squeeze, Terry. It looks like stuff was getting very exotic, indeed.

I'm subbing in for the Icehouse while he's TCB: Taking Care of Bidness.

But I don't want to bore you with pleasantries; let's get to the Fun Bag.

Everyone knows Steve Nash is good. I'm a below-average basketball fan, and even I know that Kanuck can ball. But Steve Nash is also funny. This has been proven in the past, and has been proven as of late as well. Way to go, Honky.

I don't mind Chad Ocho Cinco's antics. I really don't. My one request is that your antics be more than just antics and be genuinely hilarious, as well as original. Ocho Cinco? Meet Stylez G. White. Stylez: 1 - Chad: 0.

I'm fairly certain this has already been FAFB'ed, but with the Holidays nigh, and with many of our friends travelling to The Sunshine State, I felt it appropriate to bring it up again. Oh, the timeless classics; they don't make them like they used to.

Word on the street is that they're making a G.I. Joe movie. These are pretty old, but it would behoove the producers of said film to attempt to make them as close to these cartooned shorts as possible. If you like to laugh, watch these multiple times in a row.

I also suggest googling them and finding more. They too are timeless classics.

And if you're wondering what Maury's up to these days, just ask this guy. Whatever it is, he's pretty pumped about it.

And to close, a Joe Homer shout out. God, Arkansas, you can't help but fulfill the stereotypes that justly plague my every move outside your borders.

Jim Bob was also a state representative, as well as a candidate for the U.S. Senate. I bet he thinks it's cool to be in People Magazine.

So that's it. I did my best. And I think I did alright. So have a good weekend folks. Have some Christmas cheer. Get some Egg Nog. Seriously, it's delicious.