Such was the case Saturday evening, when I watched the Arkansas Razorbacks play the Auburn War Eagle Tigers (I'm assuming this is some indiginous Native American mythological beast that is part tiger, part eagle, part soldier and part brown, that is able to receive large sums of money without people caring). I began tweeting behind-the-scenes facts about the game and its players. It received a BEVY of responses, and thusly, as per my journalistic mandate, I am sharing them with a larger audience to create even more responses, all of which will grant me a larger profile. Huzzah!
While some may protest my allegiances, know this: a true journalist is one who is objective almost all of the time, except when he is not.
- Auburn Coach Gene Chizik looks like a flesh Muppet Jim Henson aborted and flushed down an oft-used toilet. Pretty sure that's all true.
- It's a shame that the Auburn players holding the play-calling numbers on their sideline are only getting just above minimum wage.
- Michael Dyer burned every bridge he had in the vertically challenged community for using lifts to alter his height. Lifts, in that community, are lies.
- Arkansas RB Broderick Green gets eight to nine hours of eat a night.
- Arkansas RB Dennis Johnson, who suffered a season-ending bowel injury last year, opted for an experimental, speed-enhancing prosthetic during his surgery, hence his nickname "The Batmobile."
- Auburn QB Kiehl Frazier's favorite show, naturally, is "Frasier," even though he doesn't understand what a psychiatrist is or how to spell "Kyle."
- Auburn's starting freshman center, No. 50, is none other than Grammy-winning singer/songwriter Adele.
- Auburn's Barrett Trotter, QB, is currently under NCAA investigation for starring in one of those Toyota commercials where the parents are having a great time without him.
- Gene Chizik's pregame pep talk fell flat when he told a too-soon, albeit hilarious, leprosy/Al-Davis joke. Clearly, his team is still shaken.
- Auburn LB Eltoro Freeman's nickname "The Narrator" come from his ceaseless in-game orations, NOT because his dad is Morgan Freeman, which is also true.
- Auburn's TE Philip Lutzenkirken is pregnant. Please do not tell his parents or the homecoming committee.
- Arkansas Coach Bobby Petrino's genius does not stop on the gridiron. Not only did he invent Groucho Marx masks, but he has invested those earnings BRILLIANTLY.
- Auburn's DeAngelo Benton was that kid in your 10th grade biology class that got way too into dissecting frogs. Also, he always blinks twice when he blinks.
- HALFTIME: Chizik is going back to the Al-Davis-leprosy jokes to fire his team up again, this time using props. This does not bode well for Auburn.
- Auburn's offensive coordinator Gus Mahlzahn has never once used toilet paper, which is somewhat disgusting. However, in his defense, he's never needed it before.
- Auburn QB Kiehl Frazer went through fifteen blue mouthpieces before Gus Mahlzahn convinced him they weren't Airheads, or even edible.
- Sources claim the funniest joke Auburn's Barrett Trotter has heard or told is pronouncing his favorite treat as "Famous Anus Cookies." Get it? Me neither.
Arkansas' Joe Adams has one rush for 92 yards, the second-longest rush in Arkansas history.Sorry, that bit of trivia was irrelevant.
- Kiehl Frazier has been downing Mike's Hard Lemonades since about halfway through the third quarter. This hasn't impaired his ability at all.
DID I MISS ANYTHING? Of course not. But if there were some other aspect of this game I neglected to mention due to unimportance, and you would like mentioned, mention it yourself here in our unimportant comments section.
Good day! Godspeed! Cheeseburger!