Reggie Bush was a phenomenal college player. He just wasn't the best college player that year. Vince Young won more games by his lonesome. Reggie Bush was more or less the icing on the cake for USC, like if you parked a Ferrari on an aircraft carrier. Sure it's pretty sweet, but all in all pretty superfluous.
Win a game for us, Vince.
The reason I say this (other than how true it is), is that I'm trying to get a sense of why the Heisman committee did this. Talking with Stovall, he calmed me down and made me think rationally.
USC always had this huge media focus that entire season. Remember the month-long fellatio session that ESPN put on, putting out poll after poll showing that America believed the 2005 Southern Cal team to be better than every other championship team ever? Man, that was silly.
So maybe the intense media focus that they basked in is to blame. Could it be that playing under a microscope contributed to Reggie getting stripped of his Heisman? Probably. The NCAA has a long history of hypocrisy and idiocy. They've been on a rampage as of late, and probably felt like in addition to going after entire programs, they probably should spank one individual, and he was the one that they thought of first. Because he was their darling little chipmunk, yes he was.
They said that he "tarnished the reputation of the Heisman trophy." Do they know who they've been giving that trophy to? Not everybody can be Tim Tebow, you know. I'm just assuming here, but I'm willing to bet boosters did something for Tebow. Just a thought.
But then again, maybe they realized they made a huge-ass mistake, and would do anything to make it right. That's probably it.
Special Teams: Curtis Brown can return punts which will give him practice at picking off any dying ducks heaved up by the garbage QBs he'll see this season, Marquise Goodwin is faster than everyone.
Initial Thoughts: Texas doesn't rebuild, they reload.
People will call me crazy for this, but I've got more confidence in this team than I did in last year's team. Colt McCoy had to literally win more games than any other college quarterback ever to win me over. Granted, he did, but he still doesn't inspire the same confidence that Gilbert does. Maybe it's because I saw him get knocked out of big games throughout his career, but I just never saw him finishing anything.
Texas fans will surely miss the closeted homosexual Jesus freaks (McCoy and circlejerk roommate pardner Jordan Shipley), but just because ESPN crammed that sappy shit down our throats doesn't mean that they are the be-all end-all of Longhorn football.
Gilbert definitely doesn't have McCoy's speed, but he's got the confidence to step in to the biggest game of his life when McCoy goes down, suffer through a series or two of garbage play calling, then come out with a re-energized purpose in the second half, and play acceptably. More snaps with the first team and a better feel for the speed of the college game will only help.
I was sad to see Earl Thomas go, simply because he was the best player the Longhorns had last year. Well, that and he would clean up Blake Gideon's messes. But looking at the defensive backfield, three dudes (the Browns and Aaron Williams) have great shots at playing at the next level.
Sergio Kindle was an empty uniform for much of last year, but I wish him all the best on the Ravens. He won't be missed. Texas is stacked at defensive end and linebacker. They could throw fresh bodies at you at any time and not miss a step.
Moreover, last year I had a LOT of doubts about the offensive line. If you watched them, they had more than their fair share of troubles. People had to be shuffled around, often mid-game, to try and marginalize problems. This year, they pretty much return everybody, all a year wiser. Also, this year, all tight ends survived the summer, which is better than last year, when none of them did.
So let's look at their schedule. Texas Tech in the third game might make some peoples' buttholes pucker up, but let's remember that the Red Raiders no longer have Leach. He was the only thing that made them a force to be reckoned with.
Then comes the gauntlet. September 25th against UCLA could be the bell-weather. An unknown non-conference that is no stranger to playing big games that early in the season. The next week, Texas takes on Oklahoma in the annual temptation of Icehouse's violent urges. Then comes a bye week, followed by Nebraska. Nebraska seems fearsome, I guess, but they no longer have DonkeyKong Suh, so I'm inclined to scoff at their preseason ranking. Unfortunately, they go from West Coast high-fliers, the emotional drain of the Red River Shootout, then having to grind one out against the Huskers. The off-week could either provide much-needed recuperation, or they could come out flat. Hopefully they clobber the first two teams and come out firing for Nebraska.
Truthfully, I could see Texas A&M pissing in the Longhorn's cheerios this season. At least it's played in Austin as opposed to College Station, as Kyle Field is intimidating as fuck. But home/away debates aside, Jerrod Johnson is really good, and he's tired of losing to the 'Horns. I could see him going into beast mode for his last charge against the hated orange juggernaut.
The Longhorns are perfectly poised to run the table again, at least as much as Alabama is. Would anyone really hate a rematch for the National Title?* *Besides, of course, SEC haters, Texas haters, the playoff contingency, the Pac-10, the Big 10 (11), Oklahomans, and several other assorted groups I've failed to mention.
Blake Gideon is a Junior Safety at the University of Texas. While he may lead the team in effort, he continues to be a baffling display of what NOT to do while playing safety. Off the field, it only gets worse.
'Sup, bitches? BG in the house. All up in your shit like I'm leaving bibles on your dresser. HAHA! You like that? You see, the Gideons are a group of people that leave bibles in hotel rooms or some shit. But just because we share the same name doesn't mean I'm one of them. That's the joke! YOU GET IT, MOTHERFUCKER?! Yeah you do. Shit yeah you do.
So what's been up? Oh yeah! Summer, brah, summer. It's been a real treat. Hittin' up the lake on the regular, I got some grades back from some classes I was supposed to show up at, and totally aced them. I'm so fucking smart.
The whole summer's been a blast. I saw Cedric Benson down on West Sixth over Memorial Day. I went to give him a high-five, but missed, and whacked this guy behind him. I think it was a bouncer or some shit. He got all pissed off about it, so I told him to go fuck himself. Long story short, I think Ced has some legal troubles.
Then this past weekend. Ohohhohoho man. FIJI Island, motherfuckers! The best party in the whole world! You don't know shit about it, bro. Nothing. You have no clue how hard we party. We party to the max, just like I play football! BALLS TO THE WALL!
So afterwards, we were chilling and shit at some bro's house. We had some honeys over there, and I was skeezing on these chicks up here taking summer school classes. 17-year-olds, bro, you know what I'm saying? They LOVE to get them a piece of the Gideon. I'M THE FASTEST GINGER IN THE WORLD! LOOK HOW FAST I SPRINT TO THE LINE OF SCRIMMAGE, EVEN IF IT'S A PASSING PLAY! I RUN SO FAST I WHIFF ON EVERY TACKLE! THAT'S FAST!
The after party was the bizomb. Sergio was back in town, about to bounce to Baltimore to play for the Ravens. He's gonna kill it in the NFL, I just know it. I can't wait to get there myself. I'm definitely going to. Did you see how I almost had the game-winning interception against Tech in '08? But for realz, Serge was cool. I was telling him he was gonna be awesome in the league, then as he was blowing me off, I went in to give him a bro grab. I missed, and ended up headbutting him. Since I'm so jacked, I don't really know the strength of my accidental headbutts, so he went flying down some stairs. I think it showed up on the news or some shit.
Either way, he's gonna be doing his thing, and I'm gonna get back on my grind. With Earl up in Seattle now, I'm the leader of the defensive backfield. Doesn't that just make your freckles tingle! WOOO! LONGHORNS ALL THE WAY!
Dogus Balbay is was a point guard for the University of Texas. After playing well in the Turkish basketball league, he has come to the United States to better himself, and hopefully make more money. These are chronicles of the trials and tribulations of culture shock. This week: DOGUS IS DEAD! LONG LIVE DOGUS!
Dogus is dead. He has no more reason to go on living. He has been dead for quite some time now, for all intents and purposes. His ligaments, they have been torn.
Who will want Dogus now? The agents say that there is nobody in the market for a slow point guard with a treacherous left hand and no jump shot. Not even on the Kings! Shit! What will they do? No more Longhorns for Dogus, and no more basketball. Dogus fears that they will throw him out of the country like a common Armenian.
What's worse is that the team has died. No dancing this year. No fun at all. Dexter has started to eat his feelings. Avery Bradley has already sold his books, gone back to Las Vegas, and put all of his money on black. He asked if Dogus wanted to come. Dogus knows better than to dabble in games of chance.
And now Dogus will never get his hands on the trophy. No riches for Dogus, and no wishes either. All he ever wanted was to rub the sweet trophy and meet the genie inside.
Oh no! A yellow turban may get his hands on the precious trophy!
YOU BE GONE, YELLOW TURBAN!
Omar Samhan: What?
Dogus: You'll never fool Dogus! Dogus knows the tricks of the yellow turbans! Dogus has dealings with them before, in the home country!
Omar Samhan: I'm from just outside San Fransisco. Who are you?
Dogus: A thousand apologies. I thought I had seen you before. Nevertheless, HANDS OFF THE LAMP-- er, TROPHY! GOD WILL NOT LET YOU DANCE AFTER TONIGHT!
Maybe this place isn't for Dogus after all. Dogus loves this land, though. They have cleavage. And bacon. And bacon-flavored cleavage. Hopefully Dogus can stay. Maybe he'll get Brad Buckman to put in a good word for him at the Austin Toros. Maybe.
Dogus Balbay is a point guard for the University of Texas. After playing well in the Turkish basketball league, he has come to the United States to better himself, and hopefully make more money. These are chronicles of the trials and tribulations of culture shock. This week: DOGUS PLAYS BASKETBALL IN FOOTBALL PALACE
Dogus is pleased. The Longhorns of Texas are the second-best team in all of the land. But now he must play the Shitheels from Northern Carolina. Dogus has never had much luck with the Northern Carolina. But this time will be different! This time Dogus brings with him Jordan Hamilton from the same neighborhood as Ice Cube. He also brings with him Avery Bradley, from the land that represents the exact opposite of Dogus's land, Las Vegas. What makes the most difference is that they play in a palace built for football Gods. It is truly glorious. Dogus is in awe of Texan tower of Babel built for God of oil. Dogus thinks the Oil God must be very pleased indeed.
Dogus spies a television. It... it must be a television. IT COULDN'T BE ANYTHING ELSE. Dogus imagines his favorite show, American pornography on the television screen. Dogus is now terrified at the prospect of 120-foot tall women crushing him to death. Death by snoo snoo.
Now it is the game time. Dogus does not understand the whiteness of the Shitheel team. They even have two of the same white player! Dogus chuckles. This could never work. Dogus is glad that Coach Barnes would never be sucked into the Tobacco Road White Athlete Arms Race.
The game begins. Dogus is described by the famous bald one as "gritty." Dogus plays hard. Dogus has been working on his left hand. The left hand is no longer treacherous. The crowd loves him. Dogus loves this football palace. Dogus loves America more than ever.
The Longhorns reign supreme! The famous bald one said that the Shitheels would win, and he was wrong! Dogus is still puzzled by the bald one's infant infatuation. Everything is 'baby this' and 'baby that.' Dogus cares not, for glory will be his upon his return to Austin. Dexter Pittman and he will imbibe! Oh, will they imbibe!
Offense: They return basically everybody besides Quan Cosby. Namely Jordan "Van Wilder" Shipley, every running back, pretty much the whole line, and a certain mouth-breathing hillbilly Heisman candidate.
Defense: They lost Orakpo to the League, but bring back College's best drunk driver (I can't wait for jokes like, 'Sergio Kindle ran through those blockers like he does through living room walls'). Texas also brings back the whole defensive backfield, led by the pride of Orange, Deon Beasley.
Special Teams: Ryan Bailey is in fact involved in a Kicker Kontroversy over who will start. With another senior. Get. A. Fucking. Life.
Texas had a legit argument to be in the Championship game last year. However, Texas Tech being the douchebags they are, instead of putting up a fight in Norman, they buried their own faces in shit and let the Sooners stomp them in the nuts all the way to Florida. Whatever, I always enjoy seeing the Horns beat tOSU, especially since it involved a Quan swan song.
The question marks last year pretty much all revolved around the defensive backfield (would've beaten Tech if it wasn't for some late miscues) and the offensive line. They were both filled with underclass superheroes that were prone to the mistakes of youth. They're a year wiser, and a year more athletic. Unfortunately, ALL FOUR TIGHT ENDS have been injured. ALL FOUR. For real? How do you kill an entire position? That's less of a question mark and more of a missing chapter in the playbook. In regards to losing Orakpo, I'm all sorts of jacked to see freshman Alex Okafor get some reps. Dude is a tad weak (because he's 18), but he's got the body type of a Julius Peppers. Texas doesn't rebuild, we reload.
The Horns know the grind of the season. It's the same shit as it always is. Run through some cake like Wyoming, UTEP, and [insert Louisiana college not named LSU]. Then they enter the gauntlet that is the Big XII South. The big games are the same as always. OSU, TT, OU, and the Thanksgiving brother's war.
Analysis is thus: Texas is preseason ranked #2. Anything less than a championship game appearance is below par. Tebow and Florida have the hardware already, and Colt and the Horns need to hit that blue and orange target, or the season is a failure. Thems the breaks.
After changing the name of the game from the "Red River Shootout" to the "Red River Rivalry," the game became a little watered-down.
or...
Colt: "Ain't this more fun than partyin'?!" Sam: "Yeah.... sure."
or...
Sam: "I sure am glad we chose Coach Brown's way of working out our differences, instead of Coach Stoops's." Colt: "Yeah. What is it with him and throwing knives?"
Colt McCoy and Sam Bradford playing ping pong on the field of the cotton bowl like a couple of foppish dandies. Or like a couple of boy scouts. They just look like wieners.
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