Monday, December 21, 2009

Holmgren Suspends NFL Return Until After Hibernation

WHEATON, IL - Citing an overall lack of enthusiasm and an overall surplus of delicious berries, former Packer and Seahawks Coach Mike Holmgren is suspending all discussions of senior-management positions with NFL teams until after his annual four-month winter hibernation.

"At this point, I just think there's not enough momentum with any organization to have these discussions while teams are still trying to win games," said Holmgren. "And right now, I'm about to pop. I need to get somewhere and stay there for a long, long time. No need in rushing anything."

Holmgren said the timing of the talks being positioned just as he was about to get his 16 weeks of shut-eye wasn't the only thing keeping him from jumping into a helm.

"Frankly, in Seattle, there's just a lot of history there that's making me consider all of my options," Holmgren said. "That consideration is making me burn through a lot more calories than I'm willing to sacrifice right now. That's a lot of time wasted for me."

Holmgren didn't say that was making him lean toward Cleavland, since there already seems to be "a big sucker there taking up the sweet spots," possibly referring to coach and salmon-enthusiast Eric Mangini.

The Super Bowl-winning Coach Holmgren then stuffed his cheeks with an assortment of wild berries and shuffled off into a nearby wilderness, shortly after wiping his rear end with an adjacent pine tree.

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