Coaches Brown, Carroll, and Meyer Flock Emergency Room at Mention of Ross/Richard Offspring

AUSTIN — In what many are calling a completely sane and well-thought out move by some of college football's best and brightest, Texas coach Mac Brown, USC coach Pete Carroll and Florida coach Urban Meyer are patiently waiting outside an emergency room believed to be occupied by former UT athletic standouts Aaron Ross and Sonia Richards' newborn infant.

"I think we're at a place in our organization where we're ready to sign him," said Carroll. "Whatever his name ends up being, that is."

Brown said that he trusted the couples Longhorn roots would bring the coveted prospect back home to Austin.

"Fact of the matter is, he's a game changer. We'd sure love to have him in that beautiful burnt orange," said Brown. "Game. Changer."

Meyer said that he thought Florida could host the talented recruit, given the family's medical history with Gator QB Tim Tebow, who has already offered to circumcise the five-star athlete.

"It's crazy to think how good this kid will be, not only on the field, due to his parents, but off the field, due to Timmy being the first person he'll ever see and get a high five from," said Meyer.

Ross and Richards — who both have received a bevy of accolades for their own athletic achievements — say they feel blessed to have such a talented offspring, and look forward to a graceful ascent toward the upper echelon of first tier athletics.

"It's great. I'm so proud of all he's accomplished," said Ross.

Illinois Coach Ron Zook was spotted waiting outside the emergency room with NCAA banned-lollipops and other delicious and distracting paraphernalia.

Former QB Ryan Leaf Finds Some Way to Dig Himself Beneath Rock Bottom

AMARILLO, Tex. — Former Washington State Has-Been and San Diego Charger QB Ryan Leaf has defied every odd imaginable Thursday, by digging himself well below what many thought was rock bottom, stunning sports analysis experts and geologists alike.

"This is tremendously remarkable," said top geotechtonic researcher Kurt Van Stueden Wang. "There's a previous undiscovered level of solid ground beneath what we previously thought was simply core matter.

"The damnedest thing is I don't even think he was trying to make this discovery. I think he was actually trying to succeed."

Leaf, drafted second overall by the Chargers in the 1998 Draft, and has been considered by many to be one of the biggest NFL Draft busts of all-time, making his fall from grace really more of a slow roll from a slightly elevated mound.

"Ryan Who?" said Draft expert Mel Kiper Jr., from his raven-infested Transylvania hideout in between draft days.

Leaf himself was available for comment, but had nothing intelligible to say that wouldn't damage himself or his career further, and was therefore not recorded by the media.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

What a wonderful weekend, but now it's Monday, which can only mean two things. 1. Responsibility. 2. Shit Storm.

Technically last night the MLB season got under way, but everyone knows today is REALLY opening day. This marks the start of MLB's 7 month marathon which provides us with something to watch on that Wednesday night in July, as well as mind-boggling fantasy stats. (Seriously the league I'm in must have every stat known to man)

Baseball also marks prime funny sport story reason. I don't know why, but when people talk about going to baseball games the funny/awesome seems to follow them.

So for the Shit Storm, give us your best baseball story.

Here's mine:

the year was 2001, and my friend somehow got green seats (first 4 rows) down the first base line at old Busch Stadium. The Cardinals were playing the Mets which meant everyone's favorite gay catcher was in town.


Mike Piazza. That son of a bitch.

Anyway, since we were close to the action we did what any 16 year old would do. Make fun of Piazza's sexual orientation.

Luckily for us Piazza went 4/4 that night which gave us numerous opportunities to rain down verbal thunder. My friends had much better zingers, but I think my best line was "Hey Mike I bet you got hot and heavy when that coach just slapped your ass." Not the best line, but I felt like a 16 year old genius at the time.

Obviously we had zero effect on his playing, but we definitely caught his attention. During a pitching break Mike was stretching on first, my buddy yelled out. "Gee Mike after all these years I figured your asshole would be stretched out by now." Mike then turned around and stared us down for the remainder of the break.

Looking back on it we probably shouldn't have offended the gay community by associating them with Mike Piazza, but hey we were 16.

Ok share your stories, and try not to offend entire groups of people with your comments.

Shit Storm begin