49er's Coach Mike Singletary Completely Forgets Name of Starting QB in Press Conference

SAN FRANSISCO -- During the daily meeting with the local press outlets, 49er's head coach Mike Singletary forgot the name of his team's starting quarterback, despite the team's impressive 3-1 record.

"We're glad to have Michael Crabtree coming to the team. Our quarterback...uh, our QB, is very excited...we're all excited to have another target for...another target for us to throw to," stammered Singletary.

Singletary not only seemed to forget the player in question's name -- who may or may not have thrown for 700 yards and five touchdowns already this season with only one interception -- but that the person under center even existed at all.

"Hoo. Boy, that guy is an athlete," shrugged the Hall of Fame linebacker, now popular coach. "But not only does he provide the sort of athleticism and poise you look for in a...in a guy like him, but he's just uh. Wow, you know he's the type of guy you'd want your daughter to marry?"

When pressed on the identity, Singletary blinked. "Nope. I have no clue who I want my daughter to marry."

Back-up tight end/place kicker Shaun Hill said he was furious over the entire press conference, but would not say why.

Roger Goodell: Trier of Men's Souls

"I think it's clear he's paid a price, but to a large extent he's going to have to demonstrate to the larger community — not just to the NFL community and to me — that he has remorse for what he did and that he recognizes mistakes that he made."

Roger Goodell, the heavy-handed commissioner of the National Football League, is already being asked for his musings on the highest-profile case that he has seen or will likely see in his commissioning tenure.

With Michael Vick set to be released from prison just in time for the opening days of NFL training camps. The Atlanta Falcons, who still retain his rights, are saying he'll be up for grabs. With 31 teams who could not only use a specimen like Michael Vick, but a Michael Vick who has been doing nothing but thinking and lifting weights (pick which one he does better), it's a safe bet that there are more than a handful of teams who would be willing to fork over the extra money to install some fire-hoses to ward of the PeTA protesters who would surely bombard their respective stadium.

They'll be all over that Mike Vick.

But hold those horses! Goodell says that the court ordered paying of debts, both monetary and punitive, may not be enough. Goodell is saying that the single most explosive player isn't going to be able to waltz in like he owns the place anymore. He is going to have to pay even more. He is going to be weighed on a scale more mighty and fearsome than any judicial system known to man.

He's going to have to tell Goodell that he's sorry. And he's going to have to mean it.

The most omniscient Goodell will try the man's soul. He will look into his very heart and determine the sincerity of his words. All will hail his magnanimous judgment for it will be good. It will be just. It will be politically correct. This man who has been living behind bars had better be grateful for the millions he may or may not get back, and he had better not be lying about it.

Because this is the NFL. We don't take kindly to people who lie and get caught.

Arkansas' Torii Hunter: Man-Crush

Late Friday afternoon I was called into my boss' office. A new assignment had been dropped by the Head Honcho's desk, and he needed someone with my deft skills and rapier wit to properly cover and detail an event to be held at the Governor's Mansion in Little Rock.

Actually they needed a writer who had a tux available, and fully aware of my Tuxedo Tuesday ritual, they knew I had the goods and gave me the assignment.

I attended the Arkansas Black Hall of Fame's 16th Annual Induction Ceremony, and preceding reception. The Hall perennially inducts six new members, five living and one posthumously, for those who have excelled in their respective fields while having Arkansan roots. I was never able to tell if the excelling of these individuals was remarkable because the inductees were African-American or because they had Arkansas ties. Woo pig sooie, anyway.

I had a great time. The Champagne flowed, the Governor gabbed, and hands were shaken. Speaking of the Arkansas Executive, Governor Mike Beebe (who called me a "funny son of a gun") even added flavor with a salutary pound to his African-American friends, which I thought was special.

Of the inductees, the most notable name was that of Angels center fielder Torii Hunter. Hunter is from Pine Bluff, Arkansas, which makes his successes even more compelling and amazing. For those of you who luckily are not in the know, Pine Bluff is the Mississippi of Arkansas (sorry Daly, but it's true). There's a paper plant there that not only reeks in 500 miles in the wind's direction, but literally has crippled the southeastern section of the Natural State. Despite all of this, Hunter has gone on to a very profitable MLB career, earning seven Gold Gloves and becoming one of the league's best athletes, currently playing for the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of California of the United States of North America of Earth. Disney is currently in talks to add Milky Way to their title, but is currently hitting a snag with the Mars bar people.

Needless to say, I was pumped. I figured that he'd be courteous, but in a polite I-know-I-can-buy-you way. So I interviewed him about his role in the Arkansas Black Hall of Fame, to which he replied that he was first and foremost very humbled by the nomination and subsequent induction. We wrapped up our brief interview on the note that he was happy to represent Arkansas by being a good role-model for young people who may struggle. A little cliché perhaps, but pretty cool when you can see the sincerity in the man's eyes.

After pausing my recorder, I thought that would be the end of it. I went about my way and found a waiter to grab me a glass of the bubbly. I watched Hunter walk around, greeting everyone. Then he came by and we started chatting. It was awesome. Torri Hunter is a stand-up and classy American. He wouldn't throw Minneapolis under the bus, but said that he really loved LA. We talked about the World Series (Hunter says "Look out for the Rays."), and baseball in general. We ended our conversation by him saying "Man, you're just as important as I am. I'm just a regular guy." I swear to God, I nearly choked up.

So it's official. I have my first man-crush. Darren McFadden came close for a little bit, but due to pending pregnancy tests for his numerous illegitimate kids, my affections had waned. Torii Hunter is awesome on the field and off. I'm an Angels fan (after the Cardinals, of course). I would do for Torii Hunter what I would scoff at and never do for my family members. Man-crush: It's on.

In all seriousness, it was really pretty cool to see that at least one of sport's best and brightest isn't a complete and total douche. Looking at you, Tom Brady. Don't let me down, LeBron. Pelé?...You're alright.