Caption Contest!

More wackiness! So much wackiness! Comment your asses off! Then go visit zackstovall.com for more funny!



Walton: "Shaquille, I just wanted you to know that watching you play is like watching the ballet of planets in our solar system. You are massive in scope, but beautiful in form and function."
Shaq: [yawns] "Sorry what were you saying?"



Isiah: "I'm telling you Bill baby, it's easy money. All you gots to do is convince those chicks you coached in Detroit that you're doing them a service by providing security and peace of mind to them. You'll love the lifestyle, my man."
Laimbeer: "You're telling me pimping is the only way you'll tell me where you got that coat?"



Phelps: "What's up LeBron? We gonna party tonight?"
LeBron: "I'm going to party. We are not. Now go get me a Gatorade."

Ok. Magnificent. Yours in the comments. Get busy on them.

Happy Mother'sth Day, Mrsths. Phelpths

If eight-times-golden Michael Phelps had his way, he'd have all European media bombed and destroyed forever.

News from across the pond is saying the Phelpthsie, distraught after the tremendous backlash from a photo surfacing of him smoking the reefer, got some hookers (plural).

I'm reticent to go on a tear about this: He should've known better, He should be better, nag nag nag, blah blah blah. It's all just noise.

Frankly, I'm just tired of hearing about it. The nature of news these days is that if you hold the microscope on someone long enough, you'll catch something. Given the type who seems to be prone to kicking himself in the rear — which is true, despite if these stripper stories are true or not — that just makes it all the more painful to watch.

Again, I'm just tired of hearing about it. And I think we can all do in the comment section more than I would hope to do by expounding on it further.

Michael Phelps Doesn't Care; Why Should We?

I'm tired of hearing about Michael Phelps and his altogether unremarkable photo with his Swedish-made penis enlarger/ bong.

• He's 23.
• He's got more money than God.
• He holds a honky record that no honky will dare challenge for years.
• That record will protect his image like a bulletproof vest.
• He is a goon.

All of these are indicators that Michael Phelps will likely smoke some ganja. If you think he won't, you're a tremendously large idiot.

So. Stop talking about Michael Phelps smoking some grass. I'd be more surprised if he didn't. And above all, never forget that he is first and foremost a laughable, awkwardly-jawed goon.

Caption Contest!

O-FACES!

or...

Phelps: "Lochte, Brah! That bro's leaving with our ganja! Get his attention!"

or...

Phelps: "I'm walking on sunshine, whoooooaaaaa!"

More schadenfreude! Kick this personalityless sacks of crap while everyone else does!

UPDATE: VitusTinnitusHasHerpes wins with the Greg Louganis comment. Fucked up, it was. And I liked it. Good job, everyone. This was a great caption contest.

T.W at the Super Bowl.

Many of the writers on this blog were friends with this one guy in college. His name is T.W Samuels. While we all had some great memories many of us have moved on with our Lives. T.W, however, likes the college lifestyle, and travels around the country crashing at various homes. Last night at 3:00 am I received a phone call from an unknown number. My phone was silent so a message was left. (apparently the result of an accidental dial) The following is a transcript of that message.

Robo phone lady: You have 1 new message, first unheard message.
/Beep

/muffled background noise.
(Night Club in Tampa)

Matt Leinart: BRAH!!!!!!! Man this Superbowl shit is CRAZY, so much better than the BCS. God, we need to do this every year.


Unkown voice: MATTY!!!! MATTY!!!! DUUUUUUDE this is great, we need to hang out more often.

Matt: Yeah man, hey thanks T.W for putting me on the list for your dad's Superbowl party.


T.W: No problem dude, I mean Playboy canceled their party, and so I was like "Hey dad lets throw a Superbowl party in Tampa." And he was all like, "If I do this will you finally get your life together?" And I was all like, "Oh sure thing dad , I'll send in that MBA application tomorrow." And he was all like, "Ok I'll see what I can do." Funny thing is, the deadline was LAST WEEK!!! Jokes on him, AM I RIGHT!!!

Matt: Totally dude, totally. Hey lets get a drink.

T.W: Haha open wide!!!

/Matt opens mouth, T.W tips self over, pours self in Leinart's mouth, proceeds to drink self.

Matt: Oh my god.
/Dry heaves
That is the worst thing I've ever tasted in my life.

T.W: Yeah man, I may be bottom shelf in taste, but I party top shelf.

Matt: Cool, so what did you think of the commercials? I thought the Boss had a decent half time show.

T.W: Matt...how did you watch the telecast?

Matt: Oh dude, I got this free mini TV from some Superbowl bullshit, I pretty much watched the whole thing, also got to watch The Office in the locker room, but it sucked because every once and a while I'd have to get up and high-five Kurt or Larry. But other than that it was pretty sweet.

T.W: ...

Matt: But you know the worst part of the Superbowl?

T.W: Losing the game?

Matt: Ha, I could care less about that, no the worst part are these Tampa chicks. They are nothing compared to those Tempe girls.

T.W: Yeah, I really don't care either way...

Matt: Another drink!!!

/T.W pours self into Matt's mouth, chugs self.

Matt: Oh my god...blah...oh shi...

/Matt vomits on floor revealing a cigarette butt within the bodily fluids.

T.W: Oh man when someone else yacks I...

/T.W projectile vomits covering a female patron's shoe.

Matt: AHHHH T.W!!!!

(In a soft insightful voice)


Troy: Hey Matt are you ok?

Matt: Yeah Troy, I'm fine. Good game.

Troy: Thank you Matthew, the competitiveness of our game inspired me, it was truly great to...

Matt: Shut up Troy, your just bragging because coach Carroll gave you a shout out on his twitter page without mentioning me.

Troy: You have a kind spirit Matthew.

/Inflatable football decoration falls from ceiling, Troy picks up football, weaves through patrons, runs into the Tampa night.

Matt: DAMN YOU TROY!!!!

/Matt Throws glass into corner of the bar, Santonio Holmes appears screaming "got that pandemic", extends arms, catches glass, taps both toes to stay in the bar.

T.W: Alright dude let's hit the beers for a while. Hey bartender throw me a cold one.

/Bartender throws beer, Larry Fitzgerald appears, catches beer, splits the bouncers, runs 64 yards untouched.

T.W: Hey Michael Phelps!!!


Matt: Phelpsie!!!

Phelps: Hey whaths up guyths

T.W: Nothin much man, just cruisin for the ladies. AM I RIGHT!!!

Phelps: Seriousthly man I've gotten stho much assth this weekend.

T.W: Sorry to hear about that photo thing.

Matt: Bra don't worry about that, I had a bad photo of me bonging some Tempe trash, it was no big deal, you're gold.

Phelps: I know dude, Gold timesth eight.

T.W: So Michael wha....

Phelps: Thisth party sucks letsth get the hell out of here.

T.W: Yeah lets get the...

Matt: Totally dude, but lets get some honey grahams before we roll.

T.W: Haha yeah lets...

Phelps: Stheriousthly dude letsth tag em and bag em.

/Random Steelers fan enters.

Steeler fan: WOOOOO, Champs!!! Fan since 1974

T.W: More like '05 but whatever.

Matt: Phelpsie, bogies 10 o'clock high.


Phelps: I got your sixth bra.

T.W: Guys?

Dudes?

Shit, who cares, for the first time in my life I feel like the least douchiest guy in the bar.

I'm going to go blackout now.

Robo Phone lady: End of messages, to delete this message press 7, to save it in the archives press 9, to hear more options....

/presses 7

Caption Contest!

Reporter: "You said if I slept with you I wouldn't have to touch Phelps."

or...

Phelps: "Pay attention to me, America! Please?"

or...

Not now, chief. Phelps is in the zone.

Beat these captions, y'all.