Sarah: Well I just want to thank everyone here at GRH for allowing me to talk about our National pastime. I think Baseball is great because it's so American and I think the values that you see represented by this fine sport are traditional American Values that we really need to examine, and I think we as a country need to strive for them. As you know I was quite the athlete in high school and much like other Americans some of my self worth comes from how I competed in high school athletics. Soo hahahaha I know a thing or two about hitting a touchdown.
1. New York Yankees: The Yankees are whats truly great about this country, they aren't limited by a big league office and they are allowed to really use american capitalism to
2. Oakland A's: The A's are the quintessential American team, It's a small business in a small market, and they use that good ole American ingenuity to field a competitive team every year. They haven't won any championships yet, but I'm sure they have a chance this year.
3. Texas Rangers: You know, our former President George W. Bush used to own this team, and I know during his time there they were considred one of the worst teams in professional baseball, by the LIBERAL MEDIA. However, I think their recent success is an example of the ground work he paved for success.
1. Chicago White Sox: As you know our current President, Obama, is a fan of this team, and I think his fandom is fake. He's just really really fake. It's all rhetoric. Socialism.
2. You know, this arbitrary preview is really distracting me from improving
Next Up, Glenn Beck, Fox News. Take it away Glenn!!!
/Dons cape and wizard staff
Glenn: America, we should be worried. Very worried. Socialist-Facist-Nazi-Marxist-Maoist-Globalist-Stalinist-Pol Potist-Pagans are INFILTRATING, the thing we hold dear, the thing every true American holds dear. Baseball. Let me just give you a quick lesson.
(Explained Via Chalk Board)
1. St. Louis Cardinals: Tony LaRussa and Albert Pujols were kind enough to attend my Rally to Restore Honor. And that's the key word. HONOR. We've lost it folks, we've lost our HONOR. These fine men, took time out of their season to talk to Americans about....Faith. Hmmmm I wonder who else had faith? Oh, haha, that's right. JESUS!!!
2. Los Angles Angels of Anaheim: America, I was talking to a small boy the other day. and he was saving up money, he /chokes up he was saving pennies, nickels, and small change. For a Gift. A gift for America. He said he wanted everyone in America to have a guardian Angel on their shoulder. I said I wouldn't cry, but you know who else likes Angels? GOD!!!
3. Washington Nationals: Washington, I bet you are surprised that I would pick a team from our nation's capital. But let's look at the meaning of the team. The Nationals, a pride in OUR NATION, a team that represents all of our greatest ideas. You know, they also have mascots, charicatures of individuals. Individuals who would change the course of our great nation, and set the course of the greatest civilization the world has ever seen. Who are those mascots? THE FOUNDING FATHERS!!!
1. Los Angles Dodgers: The Dodgers have a certain player on their team, and you won't hear this from the clueless mainstream media. His name is Dioner Navarro, from Venezuela, home of the known Socialist HUGO CHAVEZ. /throws magnets on chalk board. Now I did a little research on Navarro. And a little something stuck out to me, hmmm what was that. Ahhh Here it is a . six six six career OPS. Hmmm where have I heard that number before. Oh, haha that's right THE NUMBER OF THE BEAST, AKA THE DEVIL. Now, who else in history was a fan of the beast. That's right. THE NAZIS AND HITLER!!!
2. Seattle Mariners: I did a little research on this team, and I advise you to do this yourself. Don't believe me, EDUCATE yourself. But the Mariners, a seemingly simple name honoring our nations fine....Mariners. People who worked hard, searching for the bounty of the sea to feed our nation. However, recently this industry is struggling. Recently, China has become the largest national fishery accounting for over 49 million tons of fish and aquatic life PER YEAR. PER YEAR. Now, that seems somewhat of a coincidence. UNTIL you look at this article from MLB.com In 2007. The headline reads. "Mariners sign two Chinese players to Minor League contracts" THE SEATTLE MARINERS HIRE CHINESE WORKERS FOR OUR NATIONAL PASTIME!!!. I wonder who else wanted Chinese workers to take over the world economy? Ah yes, our good friend MAO TSE TUNG!!!
3. Chicago Cubs: Initially when you look at the Cubs, you instantly know about the Daly's and the corrupt Chicago politics. However let me point you to a player on that team. Bobby Scales, who currently resides in Chicago. however let's examine where he went to school? Hmmmm University of Michigan, the same alma mater as THE WEATHER UNDERGROUND'S BILL AYERS, WHO ALSO CURRENTLY RESIDES IN CHICAGO AND IS BEST FRIENDS WITH BARACK OBAMA!!! We simply cannot trust the Cubs.
4. Cincinatti Reds: Red. Color of Communism. Stalin!!!
5. Houston Astros: Astro. Star Logo. Zodiac. Astrology. PAGANS!!!
6. San Francisco Giants: Lincecum. Pot. Giants. BIG GOVERNMENT!!!
7. Kansas City Royals: Royals. Kings. Queens. EUROPEAN STYLE OF GOVERNMENT!!!
8. Sand Diego Padres: Don't you mean the fathers? WE SPEAK ENGLISH IN THIS COUNTRY!!!
Ok, that's enough Glenn. Next we ha....
Sarah Palin TM: Oh I'm back now.
2. Toronto Blue Jays: As you know the Blue Jays are located in Canada and I simply do not think their universal socialist healthcare system can handle all the injuries during the 162 game season.
3. Baltimore Orioles: The Orioles haven't won anything in years yet they stay afloat. Why? Well they get all the big MLB handouts with the revenue sharing. They simply sit back and don't try to innovate or create any jobs. I talk all about this in my book "America by Heart." But I don't want to get caught up in the typical Washington politics I'd rather go back to Alaska, but I'll probably be back.
Thanks, Sarah. Next we have MSNBC's Rachel Maddow.
Rachel: Thank you, Lattimer, is that your name, Lattimer? I typically don't get into the sporting events typically witnessed by millions of Americans. I typically resign to reading various topics of political theory and discussing it with other intellectuals during the course of free time. I find that examining the writings of Alexis de Tocqueville or clicking through the CIA fact book can be rather relaxing on those nights where I simply need to let my brain settle by reading topics on the lower level of my own Flesch Kincaid scale of readability.
To use the vernacular, I was what was known as a "Jock" in my formative education years, however I have simply lost interest in my athletic endevours, unless they obviously spill over into my world of political theory. As a result of my apparent ignorance on this topic, I've decided to ask a few of my colleagues to assist me in this endevour of ranking Baseballing teams.
On next is a former guest of my show, Zack Stovall.
Mr. Stovall, Could you perhaps give me an indication as to who you expect to do well in this upcoming season of the major league organization.
Zack Stovall: Well Rachel, I like the Cardinals, I really do, they need to sign Pujols BECAUSE HE'S THE BEST PLAYER IN THE WORLD. but I'm also worried, because they let go of a personal favorite, The Boog.
Rachel: The Boog?
Zack Stovall: Yes, the Boog, I'm all about the Boog. I love the Boog, need the Boog. I defended the Boog when he put up a rare .740 OPS in 09 and still defended him when
he put up a .573 OPS in 2010 and a BA of .223 with 17 errors, even though his only job was to be awesome in the field and have respectable plate appearances.
Rachel: I see, well how did this Boog vote on the health care bill?
Zack: Well, see the thing is we're not actually sure if he can read, it's not confirmed.
Rachel: I see, so a typical American who does not enjoy the fine writings of Emberto Eco, or James Joyce. Although I am not surprised, so typical of the modern American.
2. Boston Red Sox I decided to broaden my intellectual horizons and embark on this task of ranking professional baseballing teams. And it seems that other fine intellectuals have given their loyalty to this organization. The loyalty, or more specifically this mendacious loyalty, is almost chic, or dare I say hip among other educated learners. It seems that the success of this team may serve as an icebreaker when discussing Machiavellian Politics in late 19th century America.
3. Oakland A's: Being raised in Castro Valley California, I assume it's only proper to root for the local team. I find it somewhat endearing to root for the team which is closest to the city in which you were reared.
1. New York Yankees. Heh
Well I think we all know about the Yankees.
2. Cleaveland Indians/Atlanta Braves: I find it disheartening that we are still objectifying Native Americans through sports mascots.
3. Pittsburgh Pirates: I have researched their record over the past decade, and it seems only logical to place them in the bottom three teams.
Finally, we have
Keith: /Stares into camera 2
As you know, I spent a good deal of time at one of the largest sports media organization ESPN. This, America, means that I know everything. Worse yet, I know I know everything which undoubtedly means I am always right and everyone else is wrong. It is the way of the world. Furthermore, I speak for America. Because I do know all things.
/stares into camera 3
The worst teams in the world.
1. Glenn Beck: I saw the other day on this blog that my "ESTEEEEEEEMED" counterpart Mr. Beck placed the St. Louis Cardinals as one of your top 3 teams. Well, SIIIRRRRR, I think you have once again misled the American people!!! Do you not remember the Tea Baggers, the scum of this great nation, shouting racial epithets and waving guns in front of Children. CHILDREN. You Sirrrrrrrrrr have seem to forgotten the large faction from the Gateway city, the violence and HATE they have SPEWED across our political landscape. YOU SIRRRRRRR are an insult /removes glasses to all Americans everywhere. FURTHERMORE, the Cardinals two prominant figure mr. LaRussa and Mr. Pujols decided to speak at GLENN BECK'S political rally during a trip to Washington. Well YOU SIRRRRRRRS have an obligation to your club, AND YOU have decided that political agenda is more important than the success of your STORIED BALL club, I say the entire organization needs to reevaluate their PRIORITIES.
2. Glenn Beck: I see the certifiably insane Beck has also chosen to support the Angels of Aneheim. May I remind you SIRRRRRRRR that our founding fathers supported a separation of church and state. Sounds like SOMMMMMMONE needs to read their history books.
3. Washington Nationals: It's laughable that anyone would think the Nationals could actually compete. With the republicans in power Washington is doomed to fail. As a people we asked for change.
THIS is not change. Washington will still suck.
Less worst Teams.
1. Los Angeles Dodgers: Fox News bloviart, Glenn Beck, has selected the Dodgers as a bottom 3 team. I wonder if the large latino population that supports the Nation's finest team has anything to do with Mr. Beck's decision. Perhaps you SIRRRRRRRR should reevaluate your ranking criteria, and your SOUL!!!
2. Seattle Mariners: Obviously overlooking the rich history of the Mariners Mr. Beck has failed to recognize the potential of this club. The signings of Japanese players such as Ichiro and Johjima (ed note: Johjima no longer with team, killed me in fantasy) clearly represents the innovation THAT YOU SIRRRRRRRRR DESIRE, the same innovation WE ALL DESIRE.
3. Chicago Cubs: Glenn Beck has decided to riducule the quintessential American team. A team that has struggled recently, much like our great nation.
You SIRRRRRRR DARE TO DEVALUE THE AMERICAN PEOPLE. YOU SIRRRRRRR DARE TO STEP ON OUR VALUES AND MORALS. YOU SIRRRRRRRRRRR DARE TO CONVINCE PEOPLE TO BELIEVE THAT THE CUBS WILL NEVER WIN THE WORLD SERIES IN OUR LIFETIME.
You SIRRRRRRR dare to step on our dream with your perverted interpretation of our country, you DARE to step on our dreams.
(but keep it up because I need material)
H/T John Stewart.
Alright, thanks everyone. Pitchers and catchers on the 14th Enjoy the season.