Thursday, July 2, 2009

Zach Randolph's HELLACRUNK To-do List

Zach Randolph's coming to Memphis has elicited a range of responses. Icehouse's was similar to Stephon Marbury, when Z-Bo was traded to the Knicks. Icehouse took to the streets screaming, "WE GOT ZACH RANDOLPH, Y'ALL!" Booker Pogue, on the other hand, began boarding up his windows. Either way, moving can be a hassle, and we ran across Zach's to-do list upon moving to Bluff City. Without further ado, we give you....

-Open Tops BBQ franchise.

-Update shipping/delivery address w/ Wall Street Journal, Forbes, & Cat Fancy.

-Find owner of meanest dog in area, challenge him to a duel.

-Airboat race against Gucci Mane, 8Ball, MJG, and Computer from the boat ramp at Mud Island to the riverboat casinos at Tunica. Yo Gotti is referee.

-Rob liquor store, throw party with proceeds/booty.

-Dig moat around new house in Southwind; fill moat with saltwater crocodiles and leopards purchased from bankrupt australian zoo.

-Ride bicycle dressed in tank top and flip flops with socks.

-Stand on bank of Mississippi, shout at Arkansas

-Purchase pyramid, rename CRNKAMID.

-Run for mayor

-Set OJ Mayo's house on fire.

-Purchase Rosetta Stone tapes, learn Spanish, tell Marc Gasol that he will be shot for every instance that he shoots with Zach on the floor.

-Shop at Kroger on Poplar and Cleveland.

-Eat the Sasquatch Burger.

-Look up who has the vanity plate "ZBOCRNK," kill him.

-Shop at flea market.

-a) Determine name of current coach (assuming there is one)

b) Shoot a rap video at said coach's place of residence

c) Start fire in garage of residence

d) Flee scene, deny deny deny

-Solemnly visit Civil Rights Museum, steal hubcaps off Booker Pogue’s car parked directly across the street. Offer to sell back to Booker Pogue. Act offended at rejection of said offer, claim racism.

-Eat at Pirtles; Start fire in bathroom; Flee scene; Deny, deny, deny.

-Get plastered at Wet Willies, drive home.

-Call a cab, steal said cab.

-Compete in Saturday morning's "Memphis Wrestling."

-Develop craving for ribs, slaughter own pig.

-Stand on street corner for an inordinate amount of time.

-Open a barber shop, dry cleaners, strip club, coin laundry, auto-repair shop. Begin to launder money.

-Visit graceland, improve hubcap collection tenfold, move into Graceland.

-Attend service at Al Green's church.

-Burn tires.

-Host a town-hall forum discussion on living a CRNK lifestyle: "Healthy Living, the CRNK Way, featuring Zachary Randolph"

-Liberate Desoto, Mississippi.

-Shoot skeet off the Peabody roof.

-Run trout line spanning entire Mississippi river.

-Get internship with accounting department of Piggly Wiggly.

-Challenge AC Wharton to a game of scrabble; game suspended following disagreement over "use of fake words".

-Make 1,000 airbrushed shirts.

-Steal Joey Dorsey's bitch.

-Drive to Missouri, buy souvenir on state line, drive home.

-About a half gram of coke on the 3rd floor of 152 aka Club Shadows.

-Shoot airballs.

-Buy above-ground pool and slip n' slide.

-Emcee a charity event headlined by Trick Daddy; $5 cover w/ free hotwings after the show.

-Force Memphis City Schools to ban headbands on school grounds, "FO STEALIN' MY GRIND.”

-Punch Steven Seagal in the mouth, let hoops family deal with the consequences.

-Turn Rudy Gay gay.

-Release howler monkeys from Memphis City Zoo.


  1. -Burn down the Ducks Unlimited world headquarter.

    -Kill anyone who puts two fingers round and three fingers down to represent the fact that they are from Orange Mound.

    -Raise hood army, become new King of Memphis. (Anoint new Queen of Beale Street)

    -Buy a Big Bill's BBQ franchise.

    -Bail out Don Don's.

    -Sink Mud Island.

    -Destroy University of Memphis.

    -Execute Shane Battier in Martyr's Park.
    (Hit things into Mississippi River)

    -Destroy Grizzlies franchise.

  2. /Still laughing at this nearly a week later.

  3. /Still laughing at this nearly a year later.