MINNEAPOLIS — Summoning all of his powers of senility, the wily and curmudgeonly violent Atlanta Braves Coach Bobby Cox killed 47 people, injuring 112 more during an on-field rant over a blown call at the plate while visiting the Twins. The victims were players, fans, coaches, umpires, ball boys and beer vendors alike.
"Chipper (Jones) was clearly safe," said Cox from beneath a muzzle, fastened sturdily to the walls of the solitary confinement ward of a maximum security mental facility. "We've gotta maintain some credibility out here."
"I mean, what, are we going to have to replay every play at the plate?" said Jones, advocating for his seemingly-mentally unstable skipper. "Coach went out to defend his player. Can't fault him for that."
The league has fined Cox $1,500 for being ejected and has suspended him for the remainder of the away trip to Minnesota. Federal agencies are at a loss to press charges against Cox, as instant replay is not allowed to review plays at the plate, and they "really can't tell if he was safe or out. Coulda gone either way."
Cox currently holds the record for most ejections in major league history (145), fatalities (81), injuries levied (388), and kidnapping (4). Ted Turner, owner of the Atlanta Braves says he relishes those statistics.
"That's just Bobby doing his thing," Turner said, kissing his 14-year-old World Series ring. "And I wouldn't have it any other way."