Analyzing Ceremonial First Pitches

Every professional baseball game has the ceremonial first pitch. This tradition kind of confused me at first, but when I realized how anticlimatic actual first pitches are, I understood that the ceremonial first pitch is a good substitute for a tip-off, face-off, kick off, or what have you.

So now I like the ceremonial first pitch. Specifically, I like that I know have a relatable benchmark to measure myself against people more famous/important/lucky than me. For instance, I know Ryan Reynolds is a sexy piece of ripped manmeat, but how's his arm? Two-seamer of four-seamer? Shit like that.

Our 43rd President had a baseball pedigree and even in retirement still had the oomph to throw a strike.

Which makes me wish he just caught that one dude's shoe and hummed it back at him. How awesome would that have been? As a comparison, the current President, an admitted White Sox fan, one-hopped his most recent effort.

There have been a string of recent memorable first pitches. Unfortunately for the youngest of the group, John Wall ended up doing his best Mariah Carey impression.

If I was in charge of the black arts of sports superstition, your best player throwing like a girl would be the equivalent of throwing a black cat through a mirror placed under a ladder.

Dirk's motion was pretty hilarious. He got the ball over the plate, but it probably wouldn't have been a strike, even on himself.


I would really like to know who could throw the best ceremonial first pitch. I'd love it if some celeb could sling one in the low 80s. I bet Redford could, back in the day. Furthermore, I think the holy grail would be some actress hucking a knuckleball that the catcher couldn't handle.

Until then, we'll just have to settle for either the embarrassment of local heroes, or shit like this.


BAAAAAAAALK!

OK Tim, nice and easy

OK, Tim, nice and easy. Just need to get it over the plate. There's nobody on, and this guy's a cake eater.

Nice little breaking ball in will do the trick. It'll get him to ground out, or maybe even golf one straight up. Gosh I love seeing these guys do their thing in the infield. So crisp and perfect, it really reminds me of why I love to play the game. I'd strike out fewer people, and throw more pitches that resulted in grounders, but you know. I like to show off a little also.

Except with this pitch. This pitch is going to be banal. I can't throw every pitch like it's my last, I got a career to think about. This one's going to be nice and easy, break in, and hopefully get him chasing something that ends up in the dirt. Nothing fancy or remarkable about this one, no sir. Not gonna be pretty. Speaking of pretty, I need to pick up some new conditioner. But after the game.

/takes bong hit

HERE IT COMES MOTHERFUCKER!

.gif below via SB Nation, since MLB is lame and definitely going to pull that video in the next ten minutes.

Baby, we need to talk...

Lindsey, hey, how are you? Doing ok? Do you need anything? You sure? Ok. You're looking great. It's really great to see you.

Anyway baby, go ahead and take a seat.

Listen, you're a dream. I really do love you. But I just... I just think that what we've had between us has run its course. What? No! Don't be silly. Of course it had nothing to do with that. Baby, if it was... Lindsey, calm down. How could it be about you crashing yesterday, after I've seen you crash dozens of times before?

It's not that, it's just that there's been too much drama. This whole thing, it's taken our lives and turned them upside down. I can't handle the photo shoots, the autograph sessions, the interviews and speculation about your shin, the international travel... actually, scratch that, I like the international travel. But you've become more than just a skier. Do you think I like having some guy ask you to sign your autograph across your cleavage in the swimsuit issue? Do you think I'm comfortable with that? But that wasn't the worst. The worst was when you admitted to me that you don't even go skiing for fun. You've changed, Lindsey. Now it's a business to you, and that breaks my heart.

Like I said, I'll always love you. I will. I just think it's best that we part ways. And...
[sigh]
Yes, there's someone else. How did we-? I met her while you were beefing with Austrians in interviews! While you were getting therapy on your shin! While you were taking pictures in your skivvies! Her name's Julia.

Mancuso, right. How did you guess that? What? You guys know each other?

Oh, right. Well, then you should know. She's more fun. She doesn't take it, or herself, as seriously as you. She still likes skiing for fun, she even went out in the powder that Whistler had a couple of days ago. You work out in the summer, while she goes surfing. She's the one that's going to make me happy, not you.

You'll be fine. I'm sure you'll find someone great. I just hope you find happiness. You're too stern, baby, and that's not what I need in my life. I want to have fun, and you're not giving me that. Now if you'll excuse me, a hot tub is calling my name.

WOOO! Grab Julia's hoots, Chemmy!

Awesome.

Lakers' Gasol Completely Forgets About Playing in Game 3 Tonight

LOS ANGELES — While the L.A. Lakers are in Orlando reviewing game plans, relaxing, and otherwise preparing to win their third-straight game against the Magic, they are missing a notable name to their roster: FC Pau Gasol.

Gasol, according to sources close to the Spaniard, completely forgot about catching the flight to Orlando, Game 3, and the Orlando Magic altogether.

"I don't not know," yawned Gasol in garbled Spanish. "I play PS3. I drink beerz. I not no think about Kobe, shave, or basketbol."

Gasol, shirtless, then curled his seven-foot-frame into a ball on his couch, and proceeded to finish his nap.

Gasol apperently made plans to go see The Hangover with his brother Marc, of the Memphis Grizzlies, and eat a quick dinner at a Jack in the Box afterward. The planning, according to Marc, was all a matter of having nothing better to do.

"He completely forgot," said Marc Gasol. "But then again, so did I. And everyone knows I'm the better Gasol."

Marc Gasol attempted to cement this claim by drooling immediately before ending the interview with the reporter by sneezing and farting at the same time, and thereby chortling uncontrollably.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

We've been talking about doing this for a while and I think it's time to bring it out.

Best athlete sighting in public.

Pretty straight forward, give us a story of an athlete you saw in public.

Mine?



I saw Rick Ankiel in a hotel one time.

Nothing too special, we were walking around trying to find our way out when I looked up and there was slick Rick with his hot ass girlfriend. He looked at me. I pointed to him and said "You're Rick Ankiel."

He then took his girlfriend by the hand and quickly left the building.

I have some other ones, I'm sure you do as well.

Storm begin.