Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Analyzing Ceremonial First Pitches

Every professional baseball game has the ceremonial first pitch. This tradition kind of confused me at first, but when I realized how anticlimatic actual first pitches are, I understood that the ceremonial first pitch is a good substitute for a tip-off, face-off, kick off, or what have you.

So now I like the ceremonial first pitch. Specifically, I like that I know have a relatable benchmark to measure myself against people more famous/important/lucky than me. For instance, I know Ryan Reynolds is a sexy piece of ripped manmeat, but how's his arm? Two-seamer of four-seamer? Shit like that.

Our 43rd President had a baseball pedigree and even in retirement still had the oomph to throw a strike.

Which makes me wish he just caught that one dude's shoe and hummed it back at him. How awesome would that have been? As a comparison, the current President, an admitted White Sox fan, one-hopped his most recent effort.

There have been a string of recent memorable first pitches. Unfortunately for the youngest of the group, John Wall ended up doing his best Mariah Carey impression.

If I was in charge of the black arts of sports superstition, your best player throwing like a girl would be the equivalent of throwing a black cat through a mirror placed under a ladder.

Dirk's motion was pretty hilarious. He got the ball over the plate, but it probably wouldn't have been a strike, even on himself.

I would really like to know who could throw the best ceremonial first pitch. I'd love it if some celeb could sling one in the low 80s. I bet Redford could, back in the day. Furthermore, I think the holy grail would be some actress hucking a knuckleball that the catcher couldn't handle.

Until then, we'll just have to settle for either the embarrassment of local heroes, or shit like this.


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