Showing posts with label Free Kobe. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Free Kobe. Show all posts

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

A word on Heat players crying in the locker room:



Sayeth Black Mamba:

If guys are crying in the locker room, guys are crying in the locker room. That doesn’t mean they’re chumps. That doesn’t mean they’re soft. It doesn’t mean anything.
That's right, everybody. Kobe Bryant is the single rational voice we've heard this week.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!


Stephen Gerrard here. I like to play footy. I also like to get blackout drunk and punch people. But look at me face! So pretty! I'll never walk alone!

Ok fine. WOO. Short week! It's all over! We are now barreling face-first into summer sweetness.

Let's get to it.

First and foremost, Nike put out this ad that debuted last night on the finals. Andre 3000 remakes the Beatles. Kobe haters, your shoe is Adidas. Enjoy.


Say Queensbridge!


I am woefully unimpressed by this Japanese screaming contest.


His name is Evan. He's a teen werewolf.


It's a good thing this video has been on every single web site this week, because I could watch it over and over again.


It's odd. I hate both of these bands, but this mash-up is awesome.


Lattimer and I have already ordered this video, and will be ready for NBA training camp in the fall.


Ok. Fucking right. Good shit, everybody. See you out there.

/pats all of your asses

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

I could never bring myself to wear this shirt

But it is some of that naughtysauce.


Seriously gangster. I need someone to make this shirt with Tim Duncan's face. Then I would be excited.


I've been absent for a while, especially considering the NBA Playoffs are going on. I'll make an effort to have something up on the impending 2008 Finals rematch jinxjinxjinx!

Shirt via

Brought to my attention via

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Caption Contest!



Kobe: Hey Steph, who do you think is going to bang more bitches?
Marbury: I think it's going to get us both in trouble.

or...

Kobe: So, I forced Charlotte to trade me to the Lakers.
Marbury: WE can influence the TEAM's personnel? Fascinating.

Two players whose promise was endless and whose careers took fascinating turns. What could they possibly be thinking after they just got drafted?

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Caption Contest!


Michael Cooper: "Way to go, Kobe, but we gotta go. The Michael Jackson movie premiere is across the street."

or...

Magic Johnson: "Hey where all the white women at?"
AC Green: "No, Magic."

or...

Kobe: "Hey did all you guys here? I'm the best player in the world! Maybe the best of all time!"
Michael Cooper, Magic Johnson, AC Green: "Riiiiiight."

From the Lakers ring ceremony last night. Enjoy.

Monday, June 15, 2009

The Hated


Kobe. Muhfuckin. Bryant.

Did you read our Finals wishlist? While I said I wanted the Magic to win in 7, the "What more can I say" reference was backed up by Bethlehem Shoals as the Kobe Bryant theme song.

Kobe is one of the strangest enigmas in all of sports today. As a personality, he is very much akin to Wilt Chamberlain. Promiscuous introverts, forever the antagonists, beef with lovable Boston teams, and alone as the one-man band of their respective Laker teams. This stigma galvanizes the haters and lovers alike, and only served to perpetuate the legends and myths that only made the Los Angeles smog grow thicker around their personas, endlessly obscuring the truth behind the men.

Kobe as a brand is a single name individual. As went Pele and Madonna, so goes Kobe. There is no need for a surname. There never will be.

Kobe arrived with the sort of celebration and fanfare as when a waiter delivers your plate of, well, Kobe steak. The genealogy is there, being the offspring of Jellybean Bryant (an asshole in his own right, and lucky enough to play on what is one the shortlist of my favorite teams of all time) and the sister of another NBA player. His sense of entitlement rang true even as an 18-year-old. You couldn't pay Kobe to play on a small market team such as Charlotte. It was not befitting of the mini-fro'd prince of ball. Sorry, North Carolina, there's a higher class of basketball in the universe, which lies far away from tobacco road.

While the team was certainly important, and the contributions of Pau, Fisher, Ariza and Odom cannot be marginalized, the Lakers started and ended with one man. The saga of the man whom the Chinese call the "Little Flying Warrior" truly started when he was second banana to Shaq's King Kong. In the early parts of this decade, there was absolutely no question that Shaq was the be all end all of dominance. 40 and 20 games were common for him. There was no way that those championships were not his. However, Kobe was integral, and totally earned the famous shots of him standing on the scorer's table, swaggering the mini-fro back and forth as the confetti rained down.

Now behold Kobe, embattled from court cases and haters galore. Does he give up on his team sometimes? Yes. But see him as an artist, forever devoted to his craft. The list of tortured artists who hated their fame and fanbase are as long as history itself. From Beethoven to Cobain, with Emily Dickinson to Ernest Hemingway in between, there will always be artists who were placed on this earth for one reason and one reason alone.

Kobe is that to basketball. We as Americans love the underdog story of the lovable band of ragamuffins that band together to overcome enormous odds. I see Kobe as another piece of American lore, the one lone soldier that will fight constantly to achieve his lone and selfish goal of survival. He is Clint Eastwood's Josie Wells, Doc Holliday, Boba Fett and the Roach from Apocalypse Now. He is only called upon by others when all other avenues are exhausted. With ice water in his veins, he reluctantly rejoins society for the plain and simple purpose of murder.

He isn't here for you or in spite of you. He's here for himself. All the emotions and humanizing instances are absurdly staged. Spike Lee's fanboy puff piece, his wife and daughters' appearances, and even the comical underjaw jutting are nothing more than acting jobs. In another life, Kobe was the type of person that made sure his enemies were looking him in the eyes when he put the knife swiftly into their heart.

In recent basketball, there has been a sort of hegemony in which 8 teams have shared the last 30 NBA titles (with singular appearances from the Heat and 76ers). The names of the Finals MVPs are forever etched into definitive hall-of-fame performances. Michael Jordan, Tim Duncan, Shaquille O'Neal, Larry Bird, etc. They have all earned their place in history, and embraced the love that came with it. Kobe stands alone in that this championship belongs to he alone, and will sit atop it, miserlike, until the end of days.

The NBA is reality to the NCAA's dreaminess of Cinderella stories and bracket busters. There are no moral victories in the world's greatest basketball organization. You either win or you don't. Sometimes the villains win, because sometimes the villains are that much fucking better than the rest of the field. Life's a bitch, deal with it.

For me, though, game recognizes game. Kobe's on top of his. Step yours up.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Lakers' Gasol Completely Forgets About Playing in Game 3 Tonight


LOS ANGELES — While the L.A. Lakers are in Orlando reviewing game plans, relaxing, and otherwise preparing to win their third-straight game against the Magic, they are missing a notable name to their roster: FC Pau Gasol.

Gasol, according to sources close to the Spaniard, completely forgot about catching the flight to Orlando, Game 3, and the Orlando Magic altogether.

"I don't not know," yawned Gasol in garbled Spanish. "I play PS3. I drink beerz. I not no think about Kobe, shave, or basketbol."

Gasol, shirtless, then curled his seven-foot-frame into a ball on his couch, and proceeded to finish his nap.

Gasol apperently made plans to go see The Hangover with his brother Marc, of the Memphis Grizzlies, and eat a quick dinner at a Jack in the Box afterward. The planning, according to Marc, was all a matter of having nothing better to do.

"He completely forgot," said Marc Gasol. "But then again, so did I. And everyone knows I'm the better Gasol."

Marc Gasol attempted to cement this claim by drooling immediately before ending the interview with the reporter by sneezing and farting at the same time, and thereby chortling uncontrollably.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Caption Contest!


Kobe: Don't you hate pants?!

or...

Kobe: Hey Doc! Medic! Pau's sleeping with his eyes open again!

or...

Pau: Just once, I wish that you pass me the ball.
Kobe: NEVEEERRRR!

Pau and Jordan Farmar have both recently complained about not getting the rock enough. The Lakeshow are 2-2 against the Sticky Nuggs going back to LA. Have fun with this one.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

NBA Playoffs: Conference Finals


Dwight: I can haz?
Kobe and LeBron: No.


At the risk of sounding like I've become part of the hype machine, I'm just going to go ahead and say it. Kobe and Bron in the finals. I want the Nuggets to beat the Lakers, I really do, but think about what it would deprive us of. This would be the match-up of the century. Abysmal muppet commercials aside, Kobe-Bron would be destined for the same conversation as Wilt-Bill.

They are the two best players in the world. They are the best players on the two best teams in the league. It's been meant to be since before the season started.

Kobe and LeBron are at the top of the games, and yet, are polar opposites. One grew up rich playing hoops with his pro baller dad. One grew up poor and never knew his dad. One's substantially older. One forced a trade from the team that drafted him, while the other has embraced his hometown team and will [most likely] never leave. One's a jokester, one seems aloof and standoffish. One's image is untarnished, the other's is unfortunately synonymous with anal rape. They are their own doppelgangers, the yin to the other's yang.

But look how they've gotten to where they are presently, this season. One rains sixty in the World's Most Famous Arena, the next one shows up and drops a 52-point triple-double. They both flush 40-ft buzzer beaters like they could care less.

Currently, Kobe just put up 40 points over the West's second-best player's 39 to take the 1-0 lead over the Sticky Nuggs (please win, Nuggets. Please?). As I type, Bron is going up against the best Center in the league, and the East's third best player. His last four-possession stretch went like this: Bron blocks Rashard Lewis; Bron thunders home a dunk; Bron blocks Dwight Howard; Bron hits a three.

As far as teams go, I want the Nuggets and Cavs to win.

But as a fan...

Join me or Die. Can you do any less?