NBA Finals Wish List

The NBA Finals are upon us, and as loyal viewers, The GRH writers decided to get together and provide you with some examples of what we would like to see from the Finale.

-Stovall:I would like to see Dwight Howard come on to a candlelit court, armed with a lightsaber. He will then put on a high-production duel with Derek Fisher, Pau Gasol, and Luke Walton, all in front of a throned Kobe Bryant. After Howard slays Fisher, Gasol, and Walton (with Walton being decapitated, Gasol being impaled and Fisher being mercifully left to crawl away to tell the tale), he will then rush Bryant, but will be intercepted by —gasp!— LeBron James, dressed in a black tuxedo that somehow does not encumber his kung fu. The two will fight and fight and fight and fight, with much pomp and bloodshed. James will utlimately subdue Howard and have him in the killng position. As James goes to end Howard once and for all, Howard will whisper some inaudible cadance into James eager ear, stopping him in his tracks. As a tear slowly treads down James youthful cheek, he will say softly but definitively, "It Is." He will then throw his lightsaber at Kobe Bryant, and it will fly into his chest, exploding him into thousands and thousands of tiny pieces. As LeBron helps Howard up, the two begin to embrace, but stop to shake hands and affirmatively nod, never letting emotion thwart the zeal of a great deed having been done. However, upon inspecting the Bryant debris, it is determined that that being was not Kobe Bryant, but an anamatronic likeness. James and Howard will then grasp each other mightly and trod off the court to defend against evil, together, once again.

I would like to see Ron Jeremy win. Then maybe he could go back to his day job (heyyoooo!)

-Old Booker Pogue:

What do I want to see out of the NBA Finals? I'd like to see Kobe fail. If your first reflex is to call me a "hater," guess what. YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM. I hate Los Angeles, I hate the concept of celebrities, and I hate the way those two factors interfere with what is otherwise an enjoyable sport for me to watch. Kobe is the most easily disliked once-in-a-lifetime talent. He's smug, and he's the antithesis of a team player. When he wasn't the brightest star, he ran Shaq (one of the most likeable once-in-a-lifetime tal.. well.. personalities) out of the city. He tried to run Phil off at one point, too. So far, he hasn't won on his own, and I've enjoyed that.

He's everything I hate about pro-sports, and I hope he and his band of vaginal warlords falls on their collective faces. Sasha Vujacic complained in a press conference that Chris Paul taunted him by calling him "Voo-ya-bitch." This is something you handle on the court, if you choose to recognize it at all; I hope you never see an American penitentiary, Sasha, because you'll be the belle of the block. Jordan Farmar sucked at UCLA and has a shitty, too-coo-for-school attitude. Pau Gasol menstruates - look at the monthly (sometimes more frequent) fluctuations in his statistical output. You can't dogfuck science. On the other side, Dwight Howard is the Perfect Warrior, Skip-to-my-Lou has a great back story, Jameer Nelson is a hardass coming back from an injury, Courtney Lee is coming on strong as the fifth wheel, and they've got Europeans (is Turkey in Europe?) who can shoot the leather off the ball. Stan Van Gundy is 4 tech's short of a bypass surgery; he doesn't wear t-shirts to games because he wants to, he wears them on the advice of team physicians. What's not to love (besides JJ Reddick, who would probably come off the bench in the WNBA)?

The Lakers are more complete, but they let Houston take them to 7. Glitz+Glamour+Kobe=Indifference. Magic in 6, with the worst TV ratings of an NBA finals since the last time the Spurs played in one.

But the real winner is LeBron, who will probably not be called for a single foul from April 1st 2010 until October 1st 2010 while shattering the record for and-one's in a single playoff year.


-Lattimer:
Initially I would want to see the removal of all celebrity personalities from the courtside seats. How would I accomplish this? Simple. I would utilize the DHL/UPS/Fedex promotions that take a fan from section ZZ and puts them in prime time seats, except in my promotion I would take that fan and have them exchange seats with some celebrity. Specifically some celebrity that considers themselves to be "a normal everyday person." Put your money where your mouth is dickhead. Keeping on the celebrity theme I'd love to see any player go for a ball and plant their taint in Jack Nicholson's face. Preferably Pau or Hedo. Oh and Spike Lee, we get it, you're friends with the players. And no, you cannot change the outcome of the game with your dumbass trashtalking. (yes I know he's a Knick's fan) I would also like to see Kobe average 40 ppg. And lose. I hate Kobe, always have, always will, and I see no better way than to destroy him than by his own egotism.

What else? Oh, I hope everyone will stop talking about the brothers Van Gundy announcer/coach conflict. I think it would be great if Bill Walton was in the crowd trying to talk to Luke, and Luke just flips out on him. "SHUTUP DAD, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE" ala overbearing little league parents and their kids. I also hope Dwight Howard posterizes Pau, because I love Dwight, and hate Pau. Finally I want to see Redick and Morrison on the floor in the deciding moment of game 7 (for whatever reason) with Redick hitting the game winning shot over Morrison. Why? because I want you all to suffer.

-Icehouse:
Uh… Uh… Uh…
The scene opens to General Maximus’ lines at the beginning of Jay-Z’s “What more can I say” from the Black Album. As soon as the beat drops, we see kung-fu speed motion crossed with freeze frames. The freeze frames capture the greatest images of the series. Rashard Lewis swats a potential Sasha Vujacic gamewinner. Pau Gasol gets has his wrist shattered on the rim trying to block a Dwight Howard two-hander. Kobe crosses one, two, three Magic, and buries a three as Stan Van Gundy buries his head in his hands. Shannon Brown steals a Rafer Alston inbounds pass with shades of Larry Bird, miraculously finds Odom for a 30 footer…cash. “I don’t wear jerseys, thirty-plus / Gimme a fresh pair of jeans and a button-up” is spit over shots of Shaq and LeBron in the stands. A montage of Jameer Nelson wrecking shop on Fisher, Ariza, Farmar and Shannon Brown in his first game back since the shoulder injury. Jackson is meditating on the bench, and just starts levitating. Dwight hits a three, swats a shot, comes back down and tosses a pretty oop to Shard. JJ Reddick dies. Marcin Gortat posts a triple double. The beat fades out as the screen fades to black: “I’m supposed to be number one on everybody’s list / Let’s see what happens when I no longer exist. Fuck this.”

Magic in 7.

Well there it is. Have fun tonight.