MLB Draft No. 1 Pick Strasburg Tests Positive for Steroids, HGH, Meth, Cocaine, AIDS, Carpel Tunnel, ADHD, Lockjaw, Mudbutt, Road Rage and Swine Flu

WASHINGTON — Moments after the Washington Nationals took San Diego State phenom pitcher Stephen Strasburg with the No. 1 overall pick in today's MLB Draft, the young ace tested positive for Steroids, HGH, Meth, Cocaine, AIDS, Carpel Tunnel, ADHD, Lockjaw, Mudbutt, Road Rage and Swine Flu, as well as a number of other hitherto unidentified drugs, concoctions, illnesses and venereal diseases.

The pitcher, who has been clocked at 102 mph, said that while he was shocked by the news, he hopes to be accepted in the league despite the setbacks.

"I mean, I'm human. Everyone makes mistakes," said Strasburg. "I'm just trying to do me."

Nats GM Matt Rizzo, who appeared viably shaken, said he thought the background checks the team administered on Strasburg would have picked up at least a couple of the blemishes on his record, not to mention the long litany of conditions afflicting the pitcher.

"I mean, what the hell," said Rizzo. "What the holy hell. What in God's name could we have been thinking. I hate my life."

Strasburg's agent Scott Boras says that these minor incidents and diseases are only going to make Strasburg's ascent into the upper echelon of baseball lore more sweet.

"It's a blessing in disguise," grinned Boras. "We're already penning a movie deal with Disney to do a buddy flick with [Texas Ranger slugger and former-junkie] Josh Hamilton. We'll be the next Danny Glover/Joe Pesci. Or the next Matt Damon/Greg Kinnear. You'll all see."

As of press, it was said that Boras has formed a contract for Strasburg to sign with the Nationals for $11.49 kajillion dollars, with incentives for smiling while pitching. The Nats and Strasburg are expected to reach an agreement by dusk.