Progressive Anti-Bully Gym Instructor Found in Locker, Gagged with Jock Strap

ERIE, Penn. — Coach Cal Roberts, 25, of Columbia Junior High in Erie, Pennsylvania, was found Tuesday afternoon stuffed into a locker in the men's dressing room, bound with athletic tape and gagged with a jock strap, and obviously disheveled.

Roberts, who is known for having a laid back, hands off, non-violent approach to coaching Jr. High students, said that after the class completed their yoga instructions, four to five of the bigger boys in the class cornered him in the gym, while the rest cheered.

"I mean these are good kids," said Roberts, as he held his head back to nurse a nosebleed. "I'm not going to subject them to bully-games like dodge ball, flag football, badminton, or track and field."

"That's just not good for these kids."

The jock was labeled as belonging to Sam Michaelson, a 5'8", 200lbs. seventh grader at Columbia. Michaelson claims Roberts had it coming.

"Guy had it coming," said Michaelson.

An investigation by school administrators is pending the results of a class survey as to whether or not Roberts, indeed, had it coming. Early polling numbers are showing that most agree he did, while one voter, Anaximander Goldberg, the local chess prodigy, firmly believed otherwise.