Progressive Anti-Bully Gym Instructor Found in Locker, Gagged with Jock Strap

ERIE, Penn. — Coach Cal Roberts, 25, of Columbia Junior High in Erie, Pennsylvania, was found Tuesday afternoon stuffed into a locker in the men's dressing room, bound with athletic tape and gagged with a jock strap, and obviously disheveled.

Roberts, who is known for having a laid back, hands off, non-violent approach to coaching Jr. High students, said that after the class completed their yoga instructions, four to five of the bigger boys in the class cornered him in the gym, while the rest cheered.

"I mean these are good kids," said Roberts, as he held his head back to nurse a nosebleed. "I'm not going to subject them to bully-games like dodge ball, flag football, badminton, or track and field."

"That's just not good for these kids."

The jock was labeled as belonging to Sam Michaelson, a 5'8", 200lbs. seventh grader at Columbia. Michaelson claims Roberts had it coming.

"Guy had it coming," said Michaelson.

An investigation by school administrators is pending the results of a class survey as to whether or not Roberts, indeed, had it coming. Early polling numbers are showing that most agree he did, while one voter, Anaximander Goldberg, the local chess prodigy, firmly believed otherwise.

The Ghost of Roy Hobbs Conquers the Internet

So yesterday we had a post about Marty B's world. As it happened, several other sports blogs had it, too. The first was the imitable Kissing Suzy Kolber. Now, if you follow that link, then click on the link for the hat tip, where does it take you?

RIGHT THE FUCK BACK HERE! YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT!

Anyways, since we have a paltry but lovable readership, and KSK has an enormous and hideously awful readership, things proliferated from there. With Leather picked it up, but if you follow THEIR hat tip, it'll take you where? That's right. Follow the yellow trick road, muhfuckas. Finally, Deadspin got it. That chain's a little harder to follow, but it's root is all here.

The Big Lead will probably have something on this next week. And they'll claim that they found it. That's how those knobslobberers roll.

This is the only blog you should ever read. Top o' the world, ma!