Progressive Anti-Bully Gym Instructor Found in Locker, Gagged with Jock Strap

ERIE, Penn. — Coach Cal Roberts, 25, of Columbia Junior High in Erie, Pennsylvania, was found Tuesday afternoon stuffed into a locker in the men's dressing room, bound with athletic tape and gagged with a jock strap, and obviously disheveled.

Roberts, who is known for having a laid back, hands off, non-violent approach to coaching Jr. High students, said that after the class completed their yoga instructions, four to five of the bigger boys in the class cornered him in the gym, while the rest cheered.

"I mean these are good kids," said Roberts, as he held his head back to nurse a nosebleed. "I'm not going to subject them to bully-games like dodge ball, flag football, badminton, or track and field."

"That's just not good for these kids."

The jock was labeled as belonging to Sam Michaelson, a 5'8", 200lbs. seventh grader at Columbia. Michaelson claims Roberts had it coming.

"Guy had it coming," said Michaelson.

An investigation by school administrators is pending the results of a class survey as to whether or not Roberts, indeed, had it coming. Early polling numbers are showing that most agree he did, while one voter, Anaximander Goldberg, the local chess prodigy, firmly believed otherwise.

NFL: The Year of the Dong

At least I didn't have to live through this.

Well, it's a fitting time to put this out there anyways, what with how homoerotic this site has been this week. I mean, an open thread about soccer being gay, a gay pose caption contest, AND an article about the SEC? I think we all can agree that the writers here need to put down the Cosmos (magazine) and the cosmos (drink) and get back to the manliness that this site was founded on.

Just kidding, I'm going to talk about penises.

If you're like me, you've noticed a few more NFL penises have been making their way into the public eye this year. Not like we've been looking for them or anything...
Let me start over.

The internet and television has found three NFL players' penises this year. Some were put there on purpose (Santonio Holmes), some were accidental (Visanthe Shiancoe), and some were borderline anonymous (Chris Cooley). They were all male sex organs, though.

What's up with this? Well, there's an element of stupidity in all three. Santonio took a picture of himself full frontal nude, and put it on the internet. Chris Cooley took a picture of a painting he had just done, and didn't notice that there were elements of himself in the picture, and Fox was stupid enough to go into a room, the sole purpose of which is for men to change clothes, with live cameras rolling.

It started out funny enough, I mean Cooley just wanted to give everybody a picture of his new painting. But it's getting ridiculous. This is worse than that Abu Ghraib shit, when you couldn't turn on the TV or look at a newspaper without seeing an ugly chick standing next to a pile of naked dudes. Shit was gross.

The internet is bound to be the place where everything captured on a camera phone is going to go first, but let's be sensible, please? If you're going to put naked pictures of yourself on the web, have the decency to make people pay for them. If you don't want naked pictures of yourself on the web, don't take them yourself. Fox, show some goddamn sense.