Monday, June 28, 2010

Monday Morning S--t Storm

Tough one today gang.

Today we are going to eliminate one sport from existence.

I know it's tough because we all like sports, but I feel like destroying something beautiful today.

Ok so my gut choice would be "Crew." Why? Well I submit there is nothing inherently wrong with the sport, and rowing provides things such as backdrops/bridging scenes in movies. But have you ever talked to someone on crew? Shit if you have I'm sure you learned that crew is the coolest and toughest sport in the world. And I get it crew is pretty demanding and requires a decent amount of skill. But is this not true of most other sports. Case in point, I actually had this conversation.

Me: I don't know sometimes I think Ironman triathletes are the best in the world.
Crew guy and girl: Well typically CREW members are the fittest.

See I would expect an Ironman triathlete to respond to this but they are too busy RUNNING A FUCKING MARATHON AFTER A TWO AND A HALF MILE SWIM AND A 112 MILE BIKERIDE!!!

But no, I dont think having an oar in your hand instantly makes you a douche, these people would naturally gravitate to other sports. Plus, England needs something to win at the Olympics.

No, my selection will be Fencing and really any sword sport in general. (Looking at you Kenjutsu) Here's my issue, first it's not even realistic. Have you seen one of these matches? Basically if you get tapped on the shoulder then poof, your dead. If you watch Deadliest Warrior, and I have, you learn that death blows are effective and awesome.

(Oh I've done this before, except we used branches and no padding)

Second problem is that these "sports" take up space. Which is fine as long as you have your own little sword fighting place. But NOOOOO, these guys always have to hold court in every local rec center in America. Wanna play some pick up basketball? Sorry these fucking tools are taking up half the court with their little saber battle. The local YMCA used to open up a half of the court in winter where you could throw a baseball around, and every time we would go we'd have to deal with blade masters. I remember one time we were waiting for them to be done and one guy came up to me and I swear said "Don't worry we won't hurt you"

That man also had braces.

Lately however, it's gotten much worse. I'm lucky enough to have indoor racquetball/handball courts. This is excellent for me because I don't have to pay a membership fee to an exclusive racquet club in order to play handball during the winter and poor weather. I walk in and who do I see. These Sanctioned LARPers holding a camp where infect younger generations with space stealing doucheness ON THE HANDBALL COURT. What's next? The Weightroom?

Hey Danielson, find your own Dojo and get out of my rec center.

Ok that felt good. Shit storm begin.


  1. Hockey. Didn't even have to think about it.

  2. We've already been over this, curling is awesome.

  3. Hockey. Yes, I said it twice.

    "You said rape twice"
    "I like rape."

  4. Lacrosse: the hockey of the land.

  5. Long-distance running.

    Because fuck running that far. It's really far.

  6. Cheerleading Because i'm tired of hearing arguments that it is a sport. By all means keep the cheerleaders but let's draw the official line in the sand here.

  7. BTW Curling is an awesome sport. Sure it doesn't take much athletic ability and it's glorified shuffle board/bocci but it's still fun as hell.

    Hockey? Who doesn't like gratuitous violence on ice?

  8. "Hockey? Who doesn't like gratuitous violence on ice?"

    The gay shit with the puck keeps getting in the way. Icefighting would be just as awesome as the jousting was in American Gladiators.

  9. Damn it TJ, What do i keep telling you. You have to wine and dine the woman before you rock her socks off. Same goes with hockey, think of the puck as the dinner, the goalie as her "feminine side that hates all penis's" and body checks as foreplay. Once you rock the puck and get it past the goalie, she's gonna wanna throw some punches...and isn't that what it's all about?

  10. oh and the Stanley Cup finals beat out the NBA finals in Television ratings...

  11. oh and water polo. I watched that on ESPN U. worst. sport. ever.

  12. What if we settled and just had iceboxing with an occasional/arbitrary goal every now and then?

  13. BTW Curling is an awesome sport. Sure it doesn't take much athletic ability and it's glorified shuffle board/bocci but it's still fun as hell.

    That's why I don't like it. It's not a sport that's cool to get to worked up over. I play in a rec league kickball and softball league, and when the other teams show up in Hamburger Helper-goalie gloves for kickball or take balls trying to get a walk in softball, I just lose it. I understand trying to win a Gold Medal should get you amped, but such madness should be reserved for something that's, you know, athletic.

  14. So after reading my own diatribe, I guess my submission of Curling doesn't count, since I don't want it eliminated from existence, I just want losers who take such unathletic matters seriously to have unending wedgies.

    I respectfully withdraw my submission.

    Anybody else think NASCAR is just crap? Let me hear ya!

  15. NASCAR is the back bone of our hypocrisy in the beautiful US of A. I'm not bashing the states, i love it here (minus the lack of siesta time) but the whole country is calling for killing our dependence on foreign oil or creating energy alternatives, yet the #1 watched sport in our country is a race to see who can burn their tank quicker....I just don't get it and i love driving fast.

    PS Water Polo can go And Curlers can get wedgies. I agree with this.

    My new vote for the sport that needs to be eliminated from existence and probably should have never been created in the first place...

    Ski Blades (Ice House, Can I get an Amen?)

  16. Ski blades are the worst inventions ever.

  17. Water Polo - Agree Agree Agree

    If only we could get pick up game of Blitzball then we'd be in bidness.

  18. A sport which should be televised...Pimpin'