Champion's League Funzone!

SOOOOooooo today begins the second leg of the quarterfinals. Last week, Rooney scored the only goal in Manchester 1-0 Chelsea. Chelsea can advance, they'll just need to score 2 and keep Man U out of their net. This will be quite difficult, however, as they are playing at Old Trafford and have Torres up front who totally sucks these days.

Elsewhere in the universe, Shakhtar Donetsk will continue to act like a lamb being sacrificed in reverence to FC Barcelona. Their pathetic offering will not slake Barca's bloodlust.

So anyway, watch the game today, use the comments as an open thread. WHEEEE.

WOO! FOOTBALL STARTS THIS WEEKEND!

Laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh. I totally fooled all of you.

But seriously, I am pretty excited about this. One of my favorite things to do is to wake up whenever I wake up on Saturdays, flip on the tube and PRESTO! A field. No commercials. A sport that is more interested in the process than the finality. It's wonderful for hangovers, or community service or any other reason you're awake before noon on Saturday.

ESPN2 will have the opening game of Manchester City v. Tottenham Hotspur at 7:45 am (EASTERN TIME! FUCK!) tomorrow. After that, American heroes Clint Dempsey (Fulham) and Tim Howard (Everton) will both be neglected by Fox Soccer Channel for Aston Villa v. West Ham United. Then at 12:30 pm everyone gets to see Chelsea against who cares.

Never fear, though. Liverpool and Arsenal break it down at 11 am on Sunday on Fox Soccer Channel. That's the barn burner.

So yeah. I'm pumped. It would be nice if you would be too. Let's see if we can ride the World Cup high and keep watching soccer. For fun, let's see in the comments section what you're excited to see this season. This post was all about the Premier League, but that doesn't mean that you can't say something about anything. Will Cristiano Ronaldo and Kaká ever find harmony together? Is Messi going to have an off year after a lackluster World Cup? Should we kill Peter Crouch and take Abbey Clancy?

WOOO! FRIDAY SOCCER SHIT STORM!

Hooray! I scored!

"Hooray! I scored off of a rebound with an open net. I missed the first shot that came from a perfect pass. It's a good thing this minor league goalie didn't cover the ball up and afforded me the perfect opportunity to make the easiest play in soccer: just dinking the ball into an unprotected net.

AREN'T YOU OPPOSING FANS PROUD OF ME?!"


Cue the bitchslap.


(Video via Dirty Tackle)

Prank works on pussies.

If you really cared about the soccer game, would you really let a string quartet or poetry reading get in the way?

Granted, I can watch TV at work, so I'm a little impervious to this. However, with the advent of new technologies, I have undertaken experiments to use hand-held devices to get my sports in. I can't say enough good things about NBA League Pass Mobile. Furthermore, if you have a WiFi connection and a computer/smartphone/whatever, you can get through it.

Of course, I am guilty of skipping out of work to watch the 2007 Champion's League final. But that's because Buffalo Wild Wings commercials convinced me that this was acceptable behavior.

Whatever. Sack up and tell your girl/professor to eat it.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

At least somebody had some fun this week. Well... maybe two people had fun. Both of these guys kick ass.

/adjusts bandages on wrists.
//rubs balm on ropeburns around neck

Ok. All better. Ready to get funky. Going to need a lot of booze in the system to keep myself from freezing this week.
/tries to kill self again for making joke about cold weather since EVERY PERSON IN THE WORLD DID THAT THIS WEEK.

Fuck it. Let's just watch some videos and get nasty.

Dempsey better be a starting forward for the Yanks this summer. On the reals.


Mainly because this guy licks ass in big games. This was pretty hilarious, though.


While we're on the subject of the World Cup, Italy sucks.

Team Flight Club put up this epic compilation of the best non-NBA dunks. It's exactly what you think it is.


Bill Walton Bill Walton Bill Walton Bill Walton Bill Walton Bill Walton Bill Walton Bill Wa...

via FreeDarko

Ok. That's it from me. Remember to put on enough layers to keep your core warm, but not so many layers that you can't get naked within ten seconds. Eleven seconds is just too long.

Something Good Might've Happen for the U.S. In Soccer, Or Not, No One Knows

SPRINGFIELD — Sources have yet to confirm or deny that something good for the United States soccer team might have happened today.

No one has confirmed that they were in fact watching an alleged game between the USA and Spain, who could be ranked as high as No. 1 in the world or as low as somewhere below Brazil, who most thought was No. 1.

"I dunno, I had ESPN on in the background and they said something about us winning a game?" said local man Russ Applegarth. "I think I had heard we were pretty good this year. Right?"

Fireworks stands across the country are currently gearing up for Independence Day festivities next weekend, however some say they are ready to make a second order before the holiday if patriotic sentiments flare up over a possible victory in the sport.

"I mean, if it happened, and people get fired up about it, sure, we'll sell a couple of firecrackers early," said Earl Meadows, owner of a local fireworks stand. "If not, I should be good through the Fourth."

In other soccer related news, scientists have unearthed that American football may have been a tangent of rugby, which is in no way related to soccer, according to those same scholars.

Blame the Goalie

I'm not going to lie, I hate goalies. I hate goalies who are 6'6" and suck even more. In yesterday's Champions League Final, Edwin Van der Sar made a case for why no one on his team should ever hang out with him... ever.

Link:

Nice ups, you Dutch-nosed bastard. Van der Sar's effort here pretty much sums up the overall demeanor of Manchester United yesterday during their 2-0 loss to Barcelona. The Red Devils got off to a strong start, but were silenced in the 10th minute by a goal from Samuel Eto'o. While I would like to blame United defender Vidic for letting Eto'o slide by, I simply can't forgive Van der Sar's poor performance. He simply did not look like an athlete.

Even this guy has a better vertical:



Goalies are always the easiest person to place the blame on. They are the outcasts of every team. They were placed in the goal as a kid because they sucked at every other position. While the rest of the team plays with their feet, the goalie plays with his hands. He doesn't even wear the same uniform as the rest of the team for Christ's sake.

There are some exceptions to the rule. Take Rene Hiquita for example. Unlike our Dutch friend, Hiquita's got gusto. While Van der Sar was learning how to hold a cup with two hands, Hiquita was practicing making saves in ways you couldn't even imagine...



That's the coolest thing any goalie has ever done. That is all.

Football Season

In light of my severely lacking contribution up to this point, I'm gonna refrain from responding to the previous post on soccer. Instead, I'm just gonna get into it. I have three soccer channels with my cable package. I haven't really watched anything else for the past 3 months, so my next few posts are gonna be strictly footy--accumulated musings, opinions, and shout-outs. I know it's football/bowl season, and most don't have the interest or tv channels to find this personally relevant. But, it's also football season, and I don't care what you like.