It's All Fun and Games Until Somebody Loses An Eye

Pittsburgh Pirates Trade 8 of 9 Starters for Gold Bond, Ankle Weights, and Bottle of Robitussin

PITTSBURGH — With the NL Central Pittsburgh Pirates pulling up the rear in the division for the past decade, the Pirates' front office has decided to shake up the entire organization to optimize their returns on investments by trading all of their regular starters for various items, such as a pound of Gold Bond medicated foot powder, ankle weights to increase endurance, and other sundry items.

"I can't complain," said Skipper John Russell. "I'm not unconvinced that the guys we're paying bird nuts can't do any better than the guys we're actually paying. It's a cost-benefit thing."

Russell then left to make sure he was one of the first in line for the Gold Bond, saying "that stuff goes fast."

The only player to remain is right fielder Brandon Moss, who is currently making only $411,500, and also happened to walk into the boardroom where these negotiations were taking place.

"I was in the right-field place at the right-field time," joked Moss, who now has to supply the entire stadium with RingPop concessions, which was to be one of the other to-be-traded items before Moss wandered in.

Asked which teams received the aforementioned octet of displaced players, James Benedict, special assistant to the General Manager, pointed at a nearby Walgreen's, where former players Matt Capps and Adam LaRoche were seen in aprons, stocking the shelves of the 4th-of-July-holiday decor and womens' hygiene sections respectively.

Michelle Obama tests postive for banned substance.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The doping scandal that has enveloped all levels of baseball and tainted many of the biggest names in the Major Leagues has now reached the highest annals of power in the free world.

Cleveland Indians catcher and First Lady of the United States Michelle Obama has tested positive for at least one banned substance. No word from the slugger herself, but her agent said that they are “weighing their options” at this time. Major League Baseball has not released the substance(s) that Obama tested positive for.

Suspicion of Obama’s use of performance enhancers first came to light in 2006 when she had a breakout season, hitting 44 homeruns, driving in 136 RBIs with a .335 batting average and whopping .603 slugging percentage.

More impressive still were her 32 putouts of potential base stealers, good enough for a .384 caught stealing percentage, tops in the AL of that year. “No way in hell I’ll run on ‘Chelle. She’s got a cannon” quipped B.J. Upton, who ranked second in the AL in bases stolen for the 2008 season.

Obama was called before a Senate hearing in late 2007 on the subject of performance enhancers in baseball, resulting in one of the more memorable, and now infamous scenes in baseball history. While counterparts of hers that had testified earlier chose a more subdued approach, refusing to answer several committee members’ questions, Obama became a voice to which the anti-steroids community rallied around. Her responses to questions of her personal steroid use ranged from a humdrum “no, senator” to the scene in which she stood atop the witness’ desk, flexing in her bulging arms in her famous sleeveless top, yelling, “don’t disrespect my effort and love for the game! God made this! God made me this beautiful!”

When questioned about why Jose Canseco named her as a known user in the baseball community, Obama responded with “Jose Canseco just snitching because he finished.” To this, Lindsay Graham (R, SC) was forced to respond, “the witness will refrain from quoting Rick Ross in these chambers.”

The recent revelation of the positive test has led to widespread speculation of peripheral instances in Obama’s inner circle that could perhaps shed light on the polarizing woman. At its ugliest, rumors of spousal abuse were linked to husband Barack’s long trips overseas. The rumors also spread to the amateur ranks, to Obama’s older brother, Craig Robinson, and his Oregon State basketball team. After the connection was made, eyebrows were raised over the Beavers’ increase in wins from 6-25 in 2007-2008 to 18-18 in 2008-2009. Said Robinson, “This, I don’t need.”

While the sports community awaits a statement from Obama, speculation will only skyrocket, and will most likely involve many of her high-profile acquaintances, from Oprah Winfrey and her extreme fluctuations in weight, to Queen Elizabeth II and her timeless aging.

However the outcome, Michelle Obama's colloquial titles of "Most Powerful Woman in the World" and "Most Powerful Woman Behind the Plate" will be forever tainted.

NFL live Chat

Return of the chat.

Sunday hangover kitchen:
Roll one egg and three sausage links in a pancake.

Let me give you a rundown on how my weekend went.
VT lost
Rhodes lost
And my fantasy team can be summed up in this line: I'm starting J.T O'Sullivan.
But hey my high school team won to bring our record to 1-8.

Enough about me, we have some decent NFL games to talk about.
...wait no we don't.

The only game worth anything is Pittsburgh Vs. New York.
There is also Tampa at Dallas if your into that whole team collapse thing.

Well there is always the Sunday night game. Right? This weekend gets better and better.

I love baseball, but not when it compromises my football viewing experience.

I don't even know why we're chatting.
I'm just going to watch season one of the Wire.