Wooo! Icehouse is at work, and nobody else is, meaning I'm going to post something that only I will read. Hope everybody's having fun today. At noon, I'm going to put the Grizz game on the TV in our office. I give it 8 minutes before the boss makes me change it back to Fox News. Super.
Anyway. Shit storm time. You probably watched the Pats/Jets game last night. It was great. One thing about it, though, was the fans. Sure, the Foxborough faithful had their normal assortment of ugly chicks and guys in brightly-colored tricorner hats, but there was a much more douchier brand of asshat last night.
Yep. Those guys. The kind of fan that mocks something complete peripheral to the game. "Hey! You've got a foot fetish! That makes me better than you!" People talk about the lack of class the Jets fans have, with good reason. But I didn't see any Jets fans in any of the three meeting this year with a sign that said "Bill Belichick is an adulterous asshole" or "Tom Brady is an absent father" or "Brandon Spikes does steroids and makes sex tapes."
I find it extremely lame when fans resort to off-the-field issues for their smack talk. "I'm going to knock you out" just resonates more with me than "your marriage is in trouble." Furthermore, it's always the stupidest loudmouth fuckwads that resort to it, probably because they don't know shit about sports in the first place.
So my question is, what is your least favorite famous fan or fan activity? Hate Fireman Ed? Cool. Hate the Saints' Moses? Ok, kinda weird, but whatever. My least favorite is the celebrities that use games as a way to get noticed. Jack Nicholson is a big-time fan, and a million kinds of awesome, so he's not the kind of person I'm talking about. Spike Lee, Jerry Seinfeld, they're all OK. I hate Dane Cook and Billy Crystal's guts, but they're still big fans, and are always supporting their teams. No, it's the fucking wieners that only show up when there's cameras around.
Personally, I'm a little baffled the Staples Center management lets farm animals into the arena.
Yo you see MY BOY Cam Newton this year? Shit I told you he was gonna be awesome, so fucking awesome he makes your head fuck itself when you watch him. Mother fucker is the spawn of Vince Lombardi and Bear Bryant, raised by Cecil to make sure my boy gets paid. What? That surprises you? My boy didn't ask for money, the entire football world showed up to his house with golden carriages, drawn by the finest quarter horses, filled with cash, coke, and 300 variations of the QB power.
My boy is the black Tim Tebow, cept he can throw and gets pussy. My boy Cam gets so much pussy his nickname is hello kitty. He runs through defenses like Alexander the Great ran through Persia with his Macedonian army, destroying the statue of Xerxes and burning the Palace in a blatant retaliation of Xerxes burning the Acropolis in 330 B.C. Cam is so awesome that if you walked into a room full of bikini models holding bottles of whiskey and midgets it wouldn't be nearly as cool as My boy Cam.
How bout MY BOY Blake Griffin?
Shit, Blake is so bad he runs with scissors in both hands....holding the handle. Fuck your safety scissors. You thought he messed up his knee last year? WRONG, my boy took a year off to investigate Julian Assange. Blake is so bad he makes Charlie Rangel scared. Ever wonder what would happen if King Kong and Godzilla had a baby? You would Get Blake Griffin. He frightens Japanese people with his ability to destroy large buildings. Guess who put the hole in the Ozone? Fuckin Blake playing hopscotch. When you google Blake Griffith it says "Did you mean fucking awesome." When my boy dunks it registers a 9.5 on the richer scale, which is greater than the New Madrid earthquakes of 1811-1812 that devastated much of northwest Arkansas and St. Louis. Evidence of which you can still fucking see today yo.
And did you see MY BOYS last night?
Hey guess what NFL, when you piss in a hornets nest you get stung on your dick. Guess who killed the 300 Spartans at Thermopylae, Fuckin Danny Woodhead running through their phalanx and Tom Brady finishing them off with football missiles to the head. My Boys are so bad even the Care Bears can't turn them. The Patriots ended Soviet Russia. Bill Belichick takes timeouts so he can make his move against Kasparov. Shit, he was the one who found Bobby Fisher in the first place. He's so good he can make Tedy Brushchi a pro bowler. The defense is like any normal defense, if you define any normal defense as 11 Silverback Gorrilas on Dianobol. Our front office is so smart it's no longer considered game theory, it's Patriot Theory. Our QB is so smooth he can sell Uggs. Haven't heard of Deion Branch in a while? That's because he was busy establishing his Mexican Drug Cartel. Shit, the Patriots offense torches defenses like Sherman Torched the South on his famous march to the sea in 1865 in which the Union secured its financial and industrial advantage due to the scorched earth policies. Does that offend you South. THE PATRIOTS DON'T CARE!!!
The complete delusional mindset that THEY are the center of the football universe and THEY deserve to win a championship every year. Why don't you step out of the hell hole known as NOVA and talk to some Lions fans. THEY have some serious qualms.
Listen to it. Last Monday was not a result of Mike Vick and the Iggles completely blasting a mediocre team. NO, it was something else. THEY should have won. Nay. DESERVED TO WIN THAT GAME!!!
HE HAS A CLOSET FULL OF JERSEY'S. HIS GRANDFATHER KNEW ABOUT SAMMY BAUGH. HE IS NORTHERN VIRGINIA!!! YOU OWE HIM!!!!
I think you all know that I'm vehemently anti-school/fan rap videos.
Case in point.
IF you dare to actually watch this what you will see is 12 people absolutely destroying what was once a fine university. To me UGA always seemed like an amazing SEC school to attend and now all I can picture are these tool sheds telling me how awesome it is to walk around campus and study.
No offense to orientation workers, they mean well, they just happen to creep me out. I remember my orientation and the cheeriness was just too much. Perhaps it was because this occured during football camp, where: 1. you hate the world 2. Everything is funny 3. Every member of the opposite sex looks attractive. I think it came to a boiling point on the one night we had to watch these types and videos and shit. (Icehouse may be able to clarify) Anyway I had just shredded my MCL and was in no mood to play the name game or two truths and a lie. All I wanted was a beer. Just one icy, delicious beer.
That happened and an orientation person woke me at midnight to question me on my roomate's whereabouts when I had to wake up at 5:30.
My point is this. I understand you want to do something really cool and fun to get kids excited about COLLEGE!!! and FUN!!! and MAKING LIFELONG FRIENDS!!! all within the university's guidelines, but at some point you need to ask yourself. "Is this really stupid?"
Perhaps I'll write more on this later.
The embarrassing school rap videos don't end at orientation, in fact their inception started with fan rap songs. The first being "College Station Throw Your Hands Up"
Icehouse summarizes this nicely by stating "No rap video should start with people buckling seat belts"
This video is fairly significant because as far as I know this is the first fan rap video that kicked off an despicable genre.
Other fans, motivated by football pump up videos, continued to make school raps and covering mainstream songs to highlight their school's superiority over others. This lead us to perhaps the worse example of a fan rap video. "All the Sooner Fans"
What we have here is a middle aged radio jockey and what I can only assume are his two children performing a Sooner-centric Beyonce song. Two things bother me. First, the kid on the right seems to be way too into the dance moves. Second, the main "diss" in the song is "Oh UT beat us but you didn't make it to the championship because of a technicality"
BURN
From what I gather from Texas fans the horns down sign is lame, but I ask the question. How lame is it to have a hand sign to begin with?
Understandably, this genre is primarily centered on football, however, we also see examples in other sports. In a response to Title 9 the Mizzou Volleyball fan club (VolleyZou) decided to make a rap video supporting their favorite club. The Missouri Women's Volleyball Team.
This isn't really an attack on women's sports, but you really have to look at yourself in the mirror when you make a rap video....about volleyball.
Just to highlight the fact that this isn't limited to the Big 12 let's look at a current BCS favorite Oregon.
Here's my issue with Oregon. Everyone always says how great it is and how badass they are. As you can tell this was made before this season, and at that point Oregon has been known for getting curb stomped by Big Ten (11) teams in the Rose Bowl and Dan Fouts. Just keep that in mind.
Of course players also make their own videos, most notably the Super Bowl Shuffle, but let us not forget "Let's Ram it"
Now you may make fun of these, but I typically give the 80's a pass due to the massive amounts of Cocaine. Plus, Jackie Slater and Dickerson are awesome.
Here's a more modern example of a player rap.
That takes us to what a fan rap video should look like.
I had resigned myself to the fact that the best fan rap video would be associated with some type of movie.
Until Eastern Kentucky University came along.
This is how you make a fan rap video. Make it funny, uncensored, and use inside jokes to make fun of your school. I mean not everyone can lay down the line:
(What we got?)
Daniel Boone mother fucker and his shiny ass feet Upper Powell mother fucker get you something to eat We got dorms mother fucker, get a sweet ass suite Eastern, mother fucker, its a fucking treat
The guy throws down the keys and not everyone can use a chubby ginger autotuned in an effective manner.
My point is this. If you ever get the urge to lay down a sweet beat about your favorite school or beat. Don't. It won't turn out as cool as you think, and people like me will make fun of you.
I had almost forgotten why I hated you in the first place.
Almost.
I've always been a Spurs fan. That's just the way things went. I didn't really hate the Mavs, they were just kind of this team to the north that sort of competed with the Spurs in the years that the Rockets were worse than the Comets. The Mavericks rise to prominence coincided with my leaving for college, which meant meeting many more Mavs fans than ever before. This was a revelation to me, that people gave a fuck about this team.
Then the rivalry started to heat up. After the Spurs won their third Championship in 2005, the Mavericks and Spurs squared off in the 2006 playoffs for what could be considered one of the greatest playoff series ever. The Mavericks ended up winning. All I could really say was, "good game." The Spurs played their best, but the Mavericks played better. That's all there was to it. Nothing more to say.
Then the Mavericks lost to the Heat in the Finals. And boy, did the tears flow. Tears about how the refs screwed them out of a championship. This had actually been a constant theme of Maverick fandom in previous years, but I never paid it much mind. You see, for me, fans who complain about the officiating of a game or series tells me that either a) they lack a basic understanding of the sport, or b) that they know in their hearts that their team wasn't good enough to win on their own. I categorized Mavericks fans into one of the two. Even though they had a pretty good argument about how refs treated them against the Heat, the fact remained that referees don't make the ball go in the hole, and referees for damn sure don't lose four straight games to you. Essentially, I never hated the team, but their insufferable fan base forced me to root against them.
Fast forward a couple of years. Now I live in Dallas. I love living in a town with an NBA team. I enjoy going to games, being able to watch it on TV eighty-two times a year, and talking about basketball with fellow fans. After the first year, I have to admit, the Mavs made me not despise them. This year, with the help of some shrewd off-season and in-season moves to bring a host of players I like to the team, I could even be counted among their fan base. I penned a "you don't totally suck" concession in these pages a few months back, and even bought a Roddy Buckets shirt. Looking good there, big cat.
But in the past week, I remember why you're all a bunch of insufferable pricks. I've watched the past couple of games with Mavericks fans. With the exception of one or two knowledgeable and entertaining folks, they've been pretty awful. I can handle homers. I can handle assholes. I can handle idiots. All three qualities in several different people just put me over the top. Maybe I'm in a defensive mindset now that I'm in enemy territory. But then again.... Yeah. Fuck these pieces of shit. Fuck every last one of them.
After careful contemplation, I've decided that this is the Mark Cuban effect. As much of a shitbag as he can be, I respected that he would speak his mind, stand up for his players and support his team above all else. Unfortunately, it's grown into a vicious cycle. If he bashes the refs, fans take his word as gospel like he has some sort of insider information. He doesn't. He's gone to great lengths to seem like an average fan, and at the end of the day, that's all he really is. Just an asshole with better seats.
It's a brilliant marketing ploy, if you think about it. He bashes the refs, so the fans do too. They assume that their team is the best, and just get screwed out of the playoffs every year. It has nothing to do with the fact that their Aryan superstar, for all of his regular season merits, is a glass-jawed pussy that disappears in the playoffs. When fans miss the forest for the trees like that, there could never be any backlash against the front office that kept Dirk in lieu of the perennially likable Steve Nash.
The real tragedy for Mavericks fans is that they will never expand outside of this realm of ignorance. Short of Mark Cuban standing up and saying "this team beat us fair and square," there will never be any sort of rational thought. That's fine, as rational thought and sports fandom hardly ever go hand-in-hand. It would also be uncharacteristic of the sort of megalomaniac that prints up shirts with his face on them, as if he were one of the players. But to keep up the farce, Cuban must continue to berate the league and the officiating. This will never make the calls go in favor of the Mavericks. Put it this way: say you constantly berate the waitstaff of restaurants on their poor service. Do you have reason to be that shocked when somebody spits in your food? No you don't. Thems the breaks.
So now the series stands at 3-1 Spurs over Mavericks. I sure hope the juggernaut pulls this one off. But even if some cataclysm happens, and the Spurs lose three in a row, I won't blame the refs.
Usually we reserve this spot for NFL talk but did you happen to see what went down yesterday? Oh that happened.
This is why CFB is so great. I heard so many say "boo hoo, there aren't any major games. We have to watch an undefeated team from a different conference in the night game." As most of you know I never take this stance because it's football on TV and as a result I must find ways to make games compelling because I need excuses for not doing anything on Saturday. As a result, the gods shined down upon us and graced us with sweet sweet victories and defeats.
I know I argued for the big 10 (11) earlier this year, but I think they took it way too far. It's not like I'm best friends with them, just sticking up for the kid that was getting bullied in the hallway. Which is why I was freaked out that Iowa somehow kept on winning games by the seat of their pants. It reminded me of the 02 tOSU squad. Iowa going undefeated and getting into the MNC if one of three teams screw up? That's a world I do not want to live in. Northwestern, everyone's favorite Big 10 (11) team came through once again by screwing a top ranked conference foe. A nation is in your debt once again Wildcats.
Michigan lost, which is always fun.
Now, the only BAD thing that comes about from this is tOSU controls their own destiny to win the conference and play in what could go down as the worst Rose Bowl ever.
Ok so after the early Big 10 (11) lineups come the 3:30 games. On the surface there were some good games to watch but I think we can all agree that we were treated to some tasty treats.
Let's talk Alabama-LSU first. Good game, between traditional SEC powers with MNC implications. Of course Alabama came out of it victorious and clenched the SEC west crown. That's about it right? WRONG. No on top of this great match up we were treated to FANSANITY. And not just any fansanity, SEC fansanity which is the best of all.
Now if you watched the game, I'm sure you realized this was a terrible call. But bad calls happen all the time and LSU still had to drive down the field for a TD. I figured LSU fans would be pissed about the call, and boy was a right. A quick survey of message boards reveal several things. First, LSU and other SEC fans seem to think there is a massive conspiracy to keep Alabama and Tim Tebow undefeated. 2. Alabama fans are to be reckoned with, they seem to have coordinated a pre-emptive message board strike arguing that the call had no bearing on the outcome of the game. 3. SEC fans like to argue over who is more racist.
Now the other thing occurring during this battle over moral supremacy is that zany Pac-10 and their regional fox sports channels. If you paid any attention to the bottom scrolling thing, you probably noticed that Stanford was leading Oregon for the majority of the day. And now I would like to take this opportunity to say Stanford I love you. You adorable little nerds, every year you do something that makes me smile. Whether it's your loony tree or beating over rated/hyped/stupid Pac-10 opponents. Keep this up and you'll take over Wazzu and Pete Carrol as west coast entities I don't root against. On another note, why the hell does Oregon...OREGON get fellated by the media every year. The Phil Knight theory is the only plausible explanation that comes to mind. But seriously, beginning of the year the fighting highlighters were shamed on the blue turf and in a matter of months they are MNC contenders? Some assholes even had the audacity to rank them ahead of Boise. Ever since I was a small child I could not stand the University of Oregon. I don't know why, it may have something to do with Dan Fouts, but every year the fighting highlighters get more and more annoying what with their Zoo, their uniforms, their belief that they are somehow a top 10 team. Good riddance.
In other news, the ACC played football this weekend.
But on the real, Clemson will get their BCS hopes up only to watch them die in miserable flames by the all powerful hands of the football gods. Paul Johnson on the other hand has his team lined up for a BCS matchup in his second year at GT. Good for him, and good for the flexbone.
Before we get to our final sweet victory/defeat I want to talk about the outsiders. I'm of course talking about Boise, Cincy, and TCU. The whole situation sucks. In fact Boise is so worried that they'll be left out of the party that they are hiring a PR firm. And you know, they shouldn't have to do that It would be fun to see them play them play the big boys, but on that same note it's also not fair to some other teams who played in difficult conferences to take a step back in favor of teams with a record. So like I said, the situation sucks, and it seems that all three will get into a BCS bowl, just not the big one in Pasadena. Which I think seems fair.
Now for the schadenfreude you've all been waiting for. Notre Dame.
People ask me about Notre Dame, and to be honest I like Notre Dame, I want them to do well. Sure it's only to see them fail in the end, but CFB is a lot more fun when ND is in the picture. Currently ND just isn't that good, they never really were. A good point is yesterday when a Navy team simply beat them in all aspects of the game, especially in the coaching department, so lets give credit where credit is due.
Now ND has a rough go of it with the academic standards and the schedule they typically play so on some level I kinda feel sorry for them. However, I still think it's fair to make fun of them. What with Charlie's decided schematic advantage, Jimmy Clausen signing his letter of intent at the CFB hall of fame, rolling up in a stretch limo. Canning Tryone without even letting him see his seniors go 4 years, telling Bob Davies he couldn't run the flexbone, backing into BCS bowls, etc etc etc. So yes, it is perfectly fine to make fun of ND every time they fail to meet expectations.
Fantasy news, Stovall is doing well in both leagues but he did not draft in one of them. I think that speaks to the level of competition we're all up against.
I meant to talk about this yesterday, but I figured that we had such an active shit storm that I would just hold off for a while.
Ok so remember Tony Franklin? Yeah, he's this guy. So to refresh your memory Auburn hired spread (of the Texas Tech variety) OC Tony Franklin. Franklin does well in bowl game. Sucks during season. Attempts to save job/life. Gets fired. Tommy Tubs goes later.
Now to be fair, I think Tony Franklin got a raw deal, specifically because he never really ran "his" offense, but why spread the shit now?
For everyone other than Old Booker Pogue, I'll give you a quick history lesson. TF was an assistant coach at Kentucky under Hal Mumme. (Yes, during the Couch/Lorenzen years) Mumme had some "minor" violations like dropping $1,400 on certain players. Anyway, the story goes that Mumme tried to blame Franklin, and in order to keep his good name, TF decided to write a book airing UK's dirty laundry...which effectively got him black balled from college football. (Note-Sources tell me Franklin is just a squirrely dude to begin with)
What's that saying? Once is an accident, twice is a coincidence, three times...
Tony is definitely on the coincidence level, And I still have no idea why he's talking about it now. However, if you read the comments on the article you'll see that there are many conspiracy theories floating around the yellow hammer state.
Now, for the Auburn fans. This is exactly why you will always be second fiddle to Alabama. You see Alabama has all this stuff figured out. First they are smart enough to hire "within the family" so when they break the rules Alabama knows they'll keep quiet. They are also smart enough to pay people off when they are outsiders.* Furthermore, Alabama has multiple corrupt boosters** running the program as opposed to one corrupt banker. But hey, at least you got your "yes man" in the football office now.***
*No evidence whatsoever. ** See above. *** All in good fun.
This is interesting, very interesting. One could argue, "Hey we have a super spread OC teamed up with a defensive minded head coach. Awesome." And logically that makes sense. However, sometimes in football 1+1=shit. In his book The Hurry up no Huddle: An offensive Philosophy, Malzahan says something to the effect of If you want to run this type of offense you should not care about your defense. (Note- the book was written when Malzahn was still a high school coach in Arkansas, and at that time he believed in running a hyper speed no huddle.)
So is this going to work?
I don't know, you can never predict these things. Some people will point to the Tony Franklin project in the whole super-stud OC, defensive minded head coach debate. But to be fair, I really don't think Franklin was given full offensive control.
Does Auburn have the personnel? Who knows, maybe ole' Gus will be able to adapt his scheme to his players? Plus, although they had a shitty year, Auburn is still Auburn and they have the ability to get some of the best players in the nation.
I guess at the end of the day we'll just have to wait and see.
Now to the fun part.
FANSANITY!!!
You ever get bored at work? Yeah happens to me too. So here is one way to pass the time. Fansanity comments on message boards and newspaper articles!!!! I personally recommend any SEC team that has a recent loss.
Let's look at some comments from the cool-headed Auburn faithful, shall we?
Wareagle97 writes:
"I look for Auburn to be VERY EXPLOSIVE on Offense next year. Cant wait for the season to start.... WDE."
Excellent observation.
Aubtiger34 states:
"I was really worried that we were going to hire a power running OC that only the RB's would want to play for. This guy will get recruits all over the Southeast pumped about going to Auburn. I know of a big TE in Georgia who will love this hire. 4 Star JUCO All American WR/KR/PR/P/PK Cameron Kenney wanted to wait and see what kind of offense we were going to run before he made his final decision. This should make the choice a lot easier.
Look for Auburn to pull in a couple more tall WR's. You need them to run a Gus Malzone offense. Raymond Cotton will be kicking himself if he lets this opportunity go. I look for him to call the coach and say, "Gus Malzone, good hire guys, are you still interested in Ray?"
War Eagle.."
NC's are built around 4 star JUCO's and height.
The always astute Tiger Taz proclaims:
THIS IS AWESOME!!!
"LOOK OUT BAMA!!!!!!!! Best DC in the nation as our HC and now the best OC in the nation as our OC!!!"
Best DC/OC in the nation? Really?
The best part is when rival fans come in and shit in the apple pie.
Armybama42 writes:
(Sic'd) "Your silly-warm eathe fans-I,ve been a bama fan since 1973-in 50 years only missedthe bowl games6x."
Now, This is either a typical Alabama fan...or it could be an Auburn fan trying to make Alabama look petty and stupid. But why do they need to try?
This reeks of dumb ass on so many levels, but here is the best example. Every year I wait for the day the Phil Steele magazine comes out. It's easily the most accurate college football preview out there. Anyway, every year I open up the magazine and flip to see who's number one, following that I check out to the back of the magazine to look at the worst team in the country. I don't have specific numbers, but I'm pretty sure Buffalo was there 96% of the time. Definitely bottom five. That is, until Turner Gill became head coach. It's a hyperbole, but what Gill was able to accomplish at that institute is nothing short of remarkable, yet Auburn decides to go with a guy who is 5-19 as a head coach.
Smart.
I really don't want to think this is just good ole' boys being good' ole' boys, but it probably is.
Now this is funny, but it is also crazy. I hate many members of the media, but I don't think I would take time out of my day to heckle them. I mean that's what GRH is for.
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