Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Yo you see MY BOY Cam Newton this year? Shit I told you he was gonna be awesome, so fucking awesome he makes your head fuck itself when you watch him. Mother fucker is the spawn of Vince Lombardi and Bear Bryant, raised by Cecil to make sure my boy gets paid. What? That surprises you? My boy didn't ask for money, the entire football world showed up to his house with golden carriages, drawn by the finest quarter horses, filled with cash, coke, and 300 variations of the QB power.
My boy is the black Tim Tebow, cept he can throw and gets pussy. My boy Cam gets so much pussy his nickname is hello kitty. He runs through defenses like Alexander the Great ran through Persia with his Macedonian army, destroying the statue of Xerxes and burning the Palace in a blatant retaliation of Xerxes burning the Acropolis in 330 B.C. Cam is so awesome that if you walked into a room full of bikini models holding bottles of whiskey and midgets it wouldn't be nearly as cool as My boy Cam.
How bout MY BOY Blake Griffin?
Shit, Blake is so bad he runs with scissors in both hands....holding the handle. Fuck your safety scissors. You thought he messed up his knee last year? WRONG, my boy took a year off to investigate Julian Assange. Blake is so bad he makes Charlie Rangel scared. Ever wonder what would happen if King Kong and Godzilla had a baby? You would Get Blake Griffin. He frightens Japanese people with his ability to destroy large buildings. Guess who put the hole in the Ozone? Fuckin Blake playing hopscotch. When you google Blake Griffith it says "Did you mean fucking awesome." When my boy dunks it registers a 9.5 on the richer scale, which is greater than the New Madrid earthquakes of 1811-1812 that devastated much of northwest Arkansas and St. Louis. Evidence of which you can still fucking see today yo.
And did you see MY BOYS last night?
Hey guess what NFL, when you piss in a hornets nest you get stung on your dick. Guess who killed the 300 Spartans at Thermopylae, Fuckin Danny Woodhead running through their phalanx and Tom Brady finishing them off with football missiles to the head. My Boys are so bad even the Care Bears can't turn them. The Patriots ended Soviet Russia. Bill Belichick takes timeouts so he can make his move against Kasparov. Shit, he was the one who found Bobby Fisher in the first place. He's so good he can make Tedy Brushchi a pro bowler. The defense is like any normal defense, if you define any normal defense as 11 Silverback Gorrilas on Dianobol. Our front office is so smart it's no longer considered game theory, it's Patriot Theory. Our QB is so smooth he can sell Uggs. Haven't heard of Deion Branch in a while? That's because he was busy establishing his Mexican Drug Cartel. Shit, the Patriots offense torches defenses like Sherman Torched the South on his famous march to the sea in 1865 in which the Union secured its financial and industrial advantage due to the scorched earth policies. Does that offend you South. THE PATRIOTS DON'T CARE!!!
Posted by Steve Lattimer at 6:56 AM