Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Titans RB LenDale White Banned From Every Nashville Buffet

Apparently in Nashville, when it rains, it pours.

The AFC South Champion Tennessee Titans, after losing to the Houston Texans and losing salty defensive veterans Albert "Now MY Face Hurts, Isn't That Ironic?!" Haynesworth and Kyle "Hail Austria!" Vanden Bosch for the remainder of the regular season. With offensive leader Kerry Collins overthrowing all of his seemingly nameless receivers, the defense in a rebuilding process, and Jeff Fisher now sporting a goatee instead of a mustache, a lot of the Titans' success rests of the Thunder and Flash combination of LenDale White and rookie Chris Johnson.

Now it seems the yeoman's share of the work between the running backs will be carried primarily by Johnson.

LenDale White and the Nashville Police Department have informed Coach Fisher and the Titans organization that White has been banned from any and all buffets in Davidson County. His mugshot will be placed in the foyers and front doors of all restaurants that have any kind of all-you-can eat, cattle call, come-and-get-its, seconds-and-thirds-on-us, food trough, and cafeteria locations in the Nashville area, and local police forces have been notified to detain White by any means necessary, most likely involving the Ole Turkey Leg on a String maneuver, or some variation thereof.

According to sources, White has been flirting with this with this disastrous fate since his days in Southern California as a USC Trojan. But while the free spirited environment of SoCal may have disguised White's eating habits, but upon being drafted by the Titans and setting up shop in Nashvegas, his habits were better documented and closely scrutinized.

In 2006, LenDale White was arrested for loitering, disturbing the peace, and theft after an incident at a Shoney's near downtown Nashville. White had to be pulled away by a security guard, two fry cooks and a bus boy from the Satruday All-You-Care-to-Eat Buffet. Shoney's spokesman Andy Griffith said the display was appalling, atrocious and down-right gut wrenchin'.

The Ming, Chinese Kitchen, Chinese King, and Chinese Super Buffet all have recorded incidents between 2006 and 2008 resulted in all sorts of calamity in the streets of Davidson County of the Ninja/Samurai variety. Michael Bay has picked up the tab for the millions of dollars worth of damage done to the Nashville buildings and sidewalks, and is using the photo footage for the new Transformers movie, due out in 2009. It is still under investigation of whether or not the pummeled body of Shia LaBeouf had anything to do with this incident, as many think they young punk might've just had it coming for cutting in front of LenDale. Sounds like an open and shut case to this guy.

The final straw came between the Old and New Country Buffets, popular on Sunday afternoons following church dismissals in Nashville.

White arrived at the New Country Buffet, widely known for both its steak and its sizzle, has a popular Sunday lunch special. Unfortunately, they did not have a full lunch buffet, rather a two-for-one steak deal with an unlimited salad bar. It was the Old Country Buffet that, in fact, had the full buffet, and unfortunately for the staff and guests of both of the Country Buffets, LenDale was unsatisfied.

White ate the entirety - food, people, wood, nuts and bolts - of both restaurants, the Old and New Country Buffets. This event was overshadowed by the presidential election of Barack Obama, so few people heard about it. It was only discovered by mainstream America several weeks later, as White pooped out the roughly eight tons of sheer wreckage that he had been carrying in his bowels. What is less remarkable than the pooping, was that no one noticed the added weight in the first place.

White has been put on house arrest by the team and will be fed a steady diet of Big Mac's, Whoppers and Baconators in order to keep him satisfied enough to not attempt to eat his own legs and arms.


  1. 14 touchdowns, 0 fumbles.

  2. 934 McDonald's Apple Pies, 112,556 Kraft Singles, 4,411 boxes of Oops! All Berries!, 604 three-story wedding cakes, eight pounds of melted butter, 12 Butterfingers, 14 touchdowns, 0 fumbles, and a couple of Diet Cokes.

  3. ahhhh nashvegas. he should go to the hermitage cafe to get some cheap breakfast grub and get condescended to by the octogenarian waitresses. word.