Titans RB LenDale White Banned From Every Nashville Buffet

Apparently in Nashville, when it rains, it pours.

The AFC South Champion Tennessee Titans, after losing to the Houston Texans and losing salty defensive veterans Albert "Now MY Face Hurts, Isn't That Ironic?!" Haynesworth and Kyle "Hail Austria!" Vanden Bosch for the remainder of the regular season. With offensive leader Kerry Collins overthrowing all of his seemingly nameless receivers, the defense in a rebuilding process, and Jeff Fisher now sporting a goatee instead of a mustache, a lot of the Titans' success rests of the Thunder and Flash combination of LenDale White and rookie Chris Johnson.

Now it seems the yeoman's share of the work between the running backs will be carried primarily by Johnson.

LenDale White and the Nashville Police Department have informed Coach Fisher and the Titans organization that White has been banned from any and all buffets in Davidson County. His mugshot will be placed in the foyers and front doors of all restaurants that have any kind of all-you-can eat, cattle call, come-and-get-its, seconds-and-thirds-on-us, food trough, and cafeteria locations in the Nashville area, and local police forces have been notified to detain White by any means necessary, most likely involving the Ole Turkey Leg on a String maneuver, or some variation thereof.

According to sources, White has been flirting with this with this disastrous fate since his days in Southern California as a USC Trojan. But while the free spirited environment of SoCal may have disguised White's eating habits, but upon being drafted by the Titans and setting up shop in Nashvegas, his habits were better documented and closely scrutinized.

In 2006, LenDale White was arrested for loitering, disturbing the peace, and theft after an incident at a Shoney's near downtown Nashville. White had to be pulled away by a security guard, two fry cooks and a bus boy from the Satruday All-You-Care-to-Eat Buffet. Shoney's spokesman Andy Griffith said the display was appalling, atrocious and down-right gut wrenchin'.

The Ming, Chinese Kitchen, Chinese King, and Chinese Super Buffet all have recorded incidents between 2006 and 2008 resulted in all sorts of calamity in the streets of Davidson County of the Ninja/Samurai variety. Michael Bay has picked up the tab for the millions of dollars worth of damage done to the Nashville buildings and sidewalks, and is using the photo footage for the new Transformers movie, due out in 2009. It is still under investigation of whether or not the pummeled body of Shia LaBeouf had anything to do with this incident, as many think they young punk might've just had it coming for cutting in front of LenDale. Sounds like an open and shut case to this guy.

The final straw came between the Old and New Country Buffets, popular on Sunday afternoons following church dismissals in Nashville.

White arrived at the New Country Buffet, widely known for both its steak and its sizzle, has a popular Sunday lunch special. Unfortunately, they did not have a full lunch buffet, rather a two-for-one steak deal with an unlimited salad bar. It was the Old Country Buffet that, in fact, had the full buffet, and unfortunately for the staff and guests of both of the Country Buffets, LenDale was unsatisfied.

White ate the entirety - food, people, wood, nuts and bolts - of both restaurants, the Old and New Country Buffets. This event was overshadowed by the presidential election of Barack Obama, so few people heard about it. It was only discovered by mainstream America several weeks later, as White pooped out the roughly eight tons of sheer wreckage that he had been carrying in his bowels. What is less remarkable than the pooping, was that no one noticed the added weight in the first place.

White has been put on house arrest by the team and will be fed a steady diet of Big Mac's, Whoppers and Baconators in order to keep him satisfied enough to not attempt to eat his own legs and arms.

Year of the Geezer: Winning Teams Marked by Elder Statesmen

Junior O'Daniel: "A lot of people like that reform. Maybe we should get us some."
Pappy O"Daniel: "I'll reform you, you soft-headed son of a bitch. How we gonna run reform when we're the damn incumbent?" - O Brother, Where Art Thou?

The average length of an NFL player's career is three and one-half years. It takes years - often more than four - to develop a team into a perennial Championship caliber program. You do the math. That means that out of all of the hot shots who come out of college to make their names of a more nationally household variety, very few make the long-term impact necessary to warrant such star-studded attention.

Many of them are nearly retarded, anyway.

But perhaps the depleted intellect of professional footballers isn't the barometer we should be using in determining the pedigree of a good football team; maybe age is more than just a number.

Out of all of the teams having success this year, one of the more dominant headlines has been that of winning teams doing so with veteran quarterbacks that many had left for senile, if not for dead. Many of these old fogies have been replacing - either by injury or but ineptitude - players who had been drafted as the new hotness, as the cornerstone upon which a franchise would build, as the new platform from which they could holla holla.

Yet, they disappointed. And while the collective groan could be heard from the talking heads nationwide when these wily codgers began running the huddle, the old cream has risen to the top and many of these young upstarts now find themselves on the pine. Now, college All-stars becoming professional busts is nothing new. But never have we seen such parity in age between those who may be over-hyped and those who may have been hyped over in the previous decade.

Just look at some of the best quarterbacks in the nation right now:

Brett Favre: Okay, Favre is overrated and definitely valued himself more than his beloved Packers this summer. But give Peter Pan his due: at 37, he still plays like a kid out in the rain. And not only is he playing, but playing well. The formerly retired graybeard has revamped the formerly ailing New York Jets and made them not only into AFC East contenders, but playoff contenders overall.

There are several plausible objections: the Jets had nowhere to go but up, the Jets aren't doing so hot down the stretch, Joe Namath is and always will be better based on game-spitting alone, and he's always been this good so how is he special now? All of these are valid points, but stand as contrary to the results; the Jets are good. The Jets can ball. And the Jets are being led by Brett Farve and Thomas Jones - a running back who is as underrated as he is baller - both of which are veterans in both tenure and age.

But Favre didn't take over for anybody who was worth anything. These next two quarterbacks may be keeping rookie studs on their toes, fearing a dangerous new trend on the horizon.

Kurt Warner: The Greatest Show on Turf seems like both a distant memory and the only thing that makes Kurt Warner noteworthy. Until 2008. Heisman trophy winner, multiple national champion, first round pick and all-around cocknuckle Matt Leinart was drafted by the Arizona Cardinals as someone who is to be the face of the franchise. The pro-style quarterback had been trained by actually-good-quarterback and USC alumnus Carson Palmer, won nearly every college game he had played, and seemed to be one of the only people fit to guide the yearly fledgling program in Glendale.

But then Leinart had to play football, and unfortunately at this level, those skills evaded him long ago.

Rewind a year or two and go back to the war room that drafted the California kid. They're also the ones who decided to take a chance on an old man who was as removed from success as he was from not getting up thrice daily in the middle of the night to squeeze a leak. Fresh from getting beat out by Eli "Power Rangers are my favorite" Manning, Warner had nowhere else to go. Sure to be spit out the bottom of the NFL's shredder, many had penned this as the last act of a desperate man and an expected move of a desperate franchise.

Then Kurt found some gloves.

And two ridiculous receivers, Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan "RoboFace" Boldin, a head coach who is who they thought they were and not Denny Green, and a passer rating that is one of the best in the league. Warner is expected to be an MVP candidate at the season's close, and is looking more and more like his old self every game. And of course, he always gives props to his main man, JC. Warner's success is almost the No. 1 best geezer story of the year, as he didn't have to let his predecessor be injured to ball. He did it by being better. Unfortunately, his NFC West clinching effort is overshadowed by an AFC South clinching effort in Nashville.

Kerry Collins: No one saw this one coming. If you say you saw this one coming, I say I saw a liar and his or her name was you. Whereas Matt Leinart is a gooch in cleats, Vince Young can actually play. VY led the Titans to the playoffs, several years removed from the Steve McNair era. And Vince is a player who lives up to his hype. Mr. Texas is the type of wildcard player who frustrates defensive coordinators everywhere and uses his legs to make plays. He is a proven winner, save that he could stand to work on his passes. But an injury (and maybe some suicidal tendencies, although that's all gossip and hearsay) put Vince Young on the sidelines and the oft-dejected Kerry Collins in the huddle.

Collins was expected to merely manage the game until the injured favored son could rehab and return. Instead, he has shouldered a team into having tangible expectations of not just playoff victories, but perhaps a Super Bowl berth. And for those of you who may want to pat that tremendously trenchant Titans defense before you give Kerry the time of day, listen to this: In total defense, the Titans rank No. 5 in the entire NFL. The Titans rank No. 4 in passing. I don't see Albert Haynesworth making any downfield reads or whipping any tight spirals. That's all Collins and it's all gravy.

So what does all this mean? It means that while contracts for rookies and the expectations of first year players may be sky high, they may be undeservedly so. These veterans are proving that nothing accounts for good, ole fashioned experience. There are always exceptions. No one here would dare say that Old Man Brad Johnson is better than Tony Romo. And Matt Ryan is doing wonders for a Falcons team that was on the brink of disaster less than a year ago, all at the ripe age of 15.

But look at Jeff Garcia. He may be the grandfather of this grandfatherly trend, making his penultimate comeback in Philadelphia for an injured Donovan McNabb, and now has the Bucs in contention for the NFC South. Hell, look at Donovan himself. He's no old fogey, but he's no spring chicken either. Just bench him for a half and he puts out veteran numbers. Peyton is back to his old form and the youngin' JaMarcus Russell is playing like the child he is. All I'm saying here is maybe 'longevity' is a word that needs to be tossed around a little more than the words 'washed up.'

These three are certainly making a strong point, anyway.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Waiting this long to post a Funbag is a lot like this picture. Posting a cool picture of a complete douche.
Whatever, I'm here now, right?

Ok. So we love commercials. This we know. While these aren't sports-related, they're still uncontrollably awesome. Shipoopi!

Interviews with athletes are generally fantastic. Interviews conducted by 10 year-olds are also pretty sweet. Anyways, here we have a 10 year-old interviewing three Miami Heat rookies (most notably, Mario "Superintendent" Chalmers and Mike "B-Easy" Beasley). Regardless of who does what in the league, Mike Beasley has a killer smile.

You know those promos when games are coming in and out of commercial breaks? The ones with cheerleaders dancing behind graphics of sponsors? Altitude Network, which airs most Denver Nuggets games, is the best at these promos.

In case you missed it, we had an unheralded five-writer contribution post earlier in the week. It was epic, and one of the best things we've ever produced.

More cheerleaders? Yes. More cheerleaders. Cleveland Cavaliers have this going for them (Warning! NSFW!).

Behold, Mr. Ping Ping!

Yes. Indeed. Good. Who's ready? Are you ready? You better be fucking ready.