Saturday, August 30, 2008

College Wrap-Up (No Arm Tackling): Week 1

Here's some funky freshness and regularity that I'd like to bring in: College Wrap-Up (No Arm Tackling), a comprehensive analysis of some of the weekend's activities in the only sport that matters until the World Series, College Football.

We'll take a look at:

Big Games: Games you at least need to fake like you watched in order to not have your manhood questioned in a public setting.

Obviously Obvious: Games that went exactly like they were supposed to, such as USC versus Sister Harriet's School for the Blind, for example...don't brag about predicting these games; we know already.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot: WTF, mate? The upsets no one in their right mind would call, but are always worth mentioning. NOTE- The entire 2007 CFB season may fall under the collective category of Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.

Neat Business: Other notes, trends and happenings around the nation that you may want to get a head start on. And don't worry- You can totally rip this material if you need to sound knowledgeable in your classroom, respective place of business, or "friend's" house. So let's dive in, right for the pylon:

Big Games: Obviously, the only game that was worth anything of actual value was the Alabama-Clemson game. If you are privy to the gold that our very own Steve Lattimer threw down on CFB Preview concerning Clemson, then you already know. If not, Clemson is one of the best looking teams in the country...on paper. In real life, Bowden's Bengals are prone to choking, and choke they did. Clemson lost this game by a whopping 24 points, succumbing to the Crimson Tide, 34-10.

While this all but verified what EVERYONE IN THE ENTIRE COUNTRY thought about Clemson, more questions are on the horizon for Nick "Dapper Dan" Saban and Alabama Family Band:

1.)Are the Tide the best in the Western Division of the SEC (not a big deal this year)?

2.)Are they the best in the SEC (bold claim considering UGA and the Flordia Tebow's)?

3.)What sort of expectations should we expect from Alabama (are we talking a legitimate shot at a real bowl game, or have we just seen the same routine from last year; having a decent buzz-creating start with an elderly-man-falling-down-esque pathetic finish)?

4.)What DOES John Parker Wilson put in that luxurious head of hair?! (my guess? Pomegranate and Kiwi...)

The road to glory for Alabama unfortunately goes through the SEC, so it's still far too early to answer these queries, but at least they're on the radar.

Oh yeah, Mizzou and Illinois played as well, so I guess that was the next biggest game. Mizzou won like they were supposed to, Mizzou superfreak Jeremy Maclin got injured, Chase Daniel is fat, and Ron Zook is handsome.

Obviously Obvious: I watched most of the Florida game today and it was pretty cool seeing Tebow playing in a stadium that already has his name in their Ring of Honor. The first quarter was surprisingly scoreless on both sides, until Tebow prayed and Jesus came into play on both sides of the ball. The Hawaiian voodoo spirits were exorcised and circumcised by young Timothy. Gators rolled 56-10 (and it should be said Florida's 56pts came in the 2nd and 3rd, while the Rainbow's 10 came in the 4th).

USC flexed nuts on Virginia in the Odd Couple Bowl. USC has a weird habit of going to obscure places (like Arkansas for two years, for example) and beating teams mercilessly while Pete Carroll makes out with the mayor of the variable obscure college town's wife. The Joe McKnight party has started and it's true: Mark Sanchez has a Mexican flag mouth guard.

Georgia won big. No one cares until they play a team likely to knock them out of the top spot. Stafford is still drunk right now.

Appalachain State did not win, no surprise. LSU made them pay dearly for their exploits last season, where they shocked the world by beating Michigan in the Big House. Speaking of Michigan, no surprise here either, as Coach Rodriguez's new-fangled offense was defeated by Utah. While this is technically an upset, no one is surprised to see this loss because there's no offense in Ann Arbor. RRod (pronounced 'rod' with a roll of the tongue) is trying to play his patented spread offense with Lloyd Carr's more conventional personnel. Basically, that's like trying to play NBA basketball with a bunch of nose guards; sure, they have a shot and they're somewhat athletic, but the players just aren't made for that type of game.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot: Here's something out of left field, Virginia Tech lost to Schkip Holtz' East Carolina Pirates. I am portly and have been out of organized sports for years, and I am currently better than the entirety of VT's entire receiving corps and Tech QB Sean Glennon looks like a bird. Those two facts make for a tough time for the formerly #17 Techies. Also, a man named Patrick Pinkley played in the game for the Pirates. He threw for 211 yards, passed and ran for touchdowns, but the main story here is his name is Patrick Pinkley.

What in the wide, wide world of sports happened in College Station?! The Mike Sherman era at Texas A&M started with a bang- in the wrong direction. The Aggies were beaten by the Arkansas State Red Wolves, formerly the Indians (they had to change their names due to the insensitivity of the mascot 'Indians,' ultimately forcing me to use only indigenous Native American analogies for the rest of this paragraph) in a wacky game, 18-14 Moon Howlers. All seemed well in the skies of Texas in the first half, but the Red Wolves tomahawked their opposition with the fierceness of their ancestors, and scored 15 unanswered scalps in the second harvest of the game. Geronimo!

Neat Business: The aforementioned weakness of the SEC (with the notable exception of the upper-echelon like Georgia and Florida - and maybe Bama?) was apparent this weekend. Mississippi State lost to Louisiana Tech, and Arkansas barely squeaked out a victory against Western Illinois. No, not Tony Romo's Eastern Illinois Panthers, but the Western Illinois Cake Eaters. Last and certainly least, #18 Tennessee looked like someone took an off-puttingly orange dump in the Rose Bowl, as they royally stunk it up against UCLA. They couldn't beat UCLA's third string quarter back, Donny McDouchenhiemer. They had to go to overtime in a game that should have been over in the third quarter. I still maintain that the SEC is the best conference in the country, but that Big 12 is probably going to prove me wrong this year.

I don't anticipate a lot of parity this year. Last year was super wacky. This year should be more tame, but very entertaining.

Steve Spurrier's son, Scott, plays for the South Carolina Gamecocks. He stands at 5'4", weighs 164lbs and is listed as a "wide receiver." Actually, he is the second-string holder for the field goal squad, which makes him less important than the kicker (ouch). He is so small, when he catches a snap to place, it looks like a regular sized person catching a really big watermelon.

See you next week for Week 2: The Son of Week 1


  1. Steve and Jerri adopted Scott, who though small in stature has the heart of a lion. Apparently his heart is bigger than your entire portly mocking mass.

  2. Are we talking a lion cub? Or just a straight up lion? While his courage was never in question (he is a little individual playing in a big man's game) him having a heart the size of a lion's poses all sorts of problems for him physically. I mean, it'd span from shoulder to shoulder, and his left ventricle would be somewhere around his colon. Maybe this is just a metaphor that confounds my senses and stumps my intellect...Thanks for broadening my horizons, whoever you are!

  3. Pete Carroll is not making out with any wives. or women, for that matter.

  4. This comment thread leaves me befuddled.