EPL Transfer Review

I am quite sure that many of the 10 (including contibutors) dedicated readers of TGRH have wondered at some point during their perusing, “Who is this ‘Jerry Jonestown Massacre’ and why does he claim to be contributing?” First off, fuck you. Second off, here I am, so lets do this.

Seeing as my more able compadres have most sports tied up pretty tight around here, I shall address the as-yet-untouched topic of the most epic of all sports. No, not that one where the blindfolded guys wail on each other with big sticks, I speak of Soccer. The world’s game. If you think there is a more epic sport, just watch the way these guy unveil their new jerseys. Watch it all, especially until 1:20. It’s better than watching golf.

However, due to the fact that I have only found time to post once in the last 6 months, I figure I should focus on only one league. The best of the best, the English Premier League.

And as every good limey knows, the end of the summer means the end of the EPL transfer season, so I will take a little time to look at the highlights and lowlights of the summer transfers. I realize that there is still a week and a half left of last-minute trades and I will address those at the end on the month, but for now, here is a recap of the big four clubs and a few other notable changes.


The Big Four:

Liverpool:
Continually confusing, Rafa Benitez has certainly made some interesting choices this off-season. Getting rid of Peter Crouch would seem to show some faith (not misplaced, I might add) in star striker Fernando Torres. But then here comes Robbie Keane. I believe it was only a matter of time before Crouch got tired of scoring his ass off only to NOT be given the start, but I am surprised at the Keane move. No doubt Benitez has a talented squad, but his continual rotation of starters does not exactly build unity. If Keane and Torres can work together, the scouse bastards should be a goal machine. Riise is a loss, but not a huge one.
OUT:
Striker Peter Crouch to Portsmouth ($22 million)
Defender John Arne Riise to Roma ($7.6 million)
IN:
Striker Robbie Keane from Tottenham ($36 million)

Arsenal:
For a team that relies on their amazing midfield play and teamwork, losing two midfield vets like Matheiu Flamini and Alexander Hleb might seem like a bad idea. But, those dudes are old and since the mean age of Arsene Wenger’s squad is about 15, they no longer fit. Plus, Hleb looks like a skeleton.

To fill the hole left by these two, Wenger has scored a goal of his own by landing midfielder Aaron Ramsey. He is the badass who led Cardiff City (!) to the FA Cup Final last year. Not surprisingly, he too is a minor at only 17 years old.
OUT:
Midfielder Flamini to Milan (Free)
Midfielder Hleb to Barcelona ($25 million)
Goal Keeper Jens Lehmann to Stuttgart (Free)
IN:
Midfielder Ramsey from Cardiff ($6 million)


Manchester United:
Since I hate ManU, I have watched their off-season with anticipation. Unfortunately for us all, they did not lose golden boy ronaldo to Real Madrid (how the fuck do you turn down 90 MILLION POUNDS!) However they have not gathered much talent yet, failing to sign Berbatov from the Spurs so far. But I won’t be surprised if it goes through, as ronaldo is hurt and rooney is out for some weeks so they will need the scoring. 17-year-old Davide Patrucci is an interesting prospect if only because the wops over at Roma are so pissed that they “poached” him. However, when was the last time an Italian didn’t overreact to just about anything. Pique’s move to Barcelona is not huge news considering how stacked ManU is on defense.
OUT:
Defender Silvestre to Arsenal
Gerard Pique to Barcelona ($15 Million)
IN:
Striker Davide Patrucci from Roma (less than $1 million)

Chelsea F.C.:
Which brings us to the blues. The biggest change for Chelsea this year comes off the pitch as we have finally gotten rid of the world’s ugliest man, Avram Grant, and brought in total badass and world-cup-winning manager Phil Scolari. As for players, the blues have gotten rid of total bust midfielder Steve Sidwell as well as another fringe players, defender Tal Ben Haim, and Khalid Boulahrouz. But with the big signing of Deco from Barcelona as well as Jose Bosingwa from Porto, there should be no lack of competion. Also, if they can land Robinho like they should, they should be considered to have one of the more successful transfer windows.
OUT:
Defender Ben Hain to Manchester City ($12 Million)
Midfielder Steve Sidwell to Aston Villa ($10 Million)
Defender Khalid Boulahrouz to Stuttgart ($8 Million)
IN:
Deco from Barcelona ($12 million)
Bosingwa from Porto ($32 million)

Other Important Transfers:

Striker David Bentley from Blackburn to Tottenham ($30 million):
Bentley will provide some much needed speed and firepower for the spurs and will help fill the hole left by Robbie Keane. If Berbatov stays and is in form this year, this a very formidable front line. If not, then the spurs will be the same second tier team that thinks they are first tier as always. Actually, this will happen even if they are both at white heart lane.

Forward Jo from CSKA Moscow to Manchester City ($37.6 million)
I’ll admit, even old Jerry Jonestown had to do a little research on our friend Jo. All I knew is that he is Brazilian and played in Russia , but after a little research. I can say that I am excited. Manchester City is a club on the rise and he will help provide goals for what was a sensationally defensive club last season.

Midfielder Luka Modric from Dynamo Zagreb to Tottenham ($32 Million)
I really only included him because this is a lot of money to pay for a young player who isn’t from argentina or has only one name. Apperently he is good, but the only time I can ever remember seeing him was when he david beckhamed the first penalty shot in that crazy-ass Turkey-Croatia euro 2008 match.


And so ends the disappointing debut of The Jerry Jonestown Massacre. Stay tuned for more sporadic EPL updates.