Kevin Duckworth Found Dead

Former Portland Trailblazer center Kevin Duckworth was found dead while representing the Trailblazer's on a recent business trip, discovered bill-down in his pillow with feathers being strew about the room.

Duckworth grew up in the Chicago area and was drafted by the San Antonio Spurs out of Eastern Illinois University in 1986. He averaged 11.8 points and 5.8 rebounds over 11 seasons in the NBA, helping Portland reach the NBA Finals in 1990 and 1992. The two-time All-Star also played for San Antonio, Washington, Milwaukee and the LA Clippers. Those humble stats are in fact rather miraculous, being that he weighed a little over two pounds and had an unimpressive wingspan, although he did have actual wings.

Outside of statistics, Duckworth gave opponents fits, as he often was too small to guard, too fast to stomp, and prone to biting. He was also unable to keep sweat, Gatorade, and water on his body, leaving that excess liquid to find its way on the court and create several injuries to his opponents, as well as to his team mates, most notably an injury to Moses Malone during an All-Star game (Duckworth contested that Malone was wearing camouflage).

Duckworth was a perennial go-getter, but often found himself in fowl trouble. He was also known as the "Pun-Master."

But with every shocking death, there is an air of suspicion. Duckworth was a notable black athlete and he wasn't without his share of hate mail. Other white athletes around the league were quick to criticize his loud antics, his haphazard and sloppy play, and his affinity for trying to blow up rabbits with Acme dynamite. Those who have been known to voice those opinions have been called in for questioning, some white people even being called in from sea voyages (shown right).


Early X-rays have shown no clear cause of death, but autopsy results are on the way and barring any irregularities, Duckworth will be deliciously grilled at his favorite restaurant, Le Canard.