Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Pre-Season Tension: Georgia vs. Russia

Believe the hype or don't, but on paper Georgia should be one of the best teams in the country come game day. They pack a potent offense and a solid defense that played well all season last year, ending with a resounding and crushing defeat to Colt "Kicked Out of Legitimate College Football" Brennan, his Hawaii Rainbows, and any other mid-major team who says they're worth anything more than a neat excuse to go to Hawaii or play on blue turf.

But apparently, the hype surrounding the much-ballyhooed Bulldogs has ruffled the feathers of some of our country's oldest foes. That's right. The Motherland. Russia.

No doubt you have witnessed some of the invasion stories on national news coverage. "Russia invades Georgia," and "Russia arms and delves deeper into Georgia," and you globally-articulate and savvy people have said the same thing I have: "They've got some nerve doing that to an SEC team's state."

While it is true Russia may find some refuge at culturally pliable and mandible Savannah, upon reaching Athens, the Motherland will find stiff opposition against what is widely considered the best football team in the country.

Both UGA and Russia boast an entire roster of veterans. Georgia junior quarterback Matt "Cholesterol" Stafford and sophomore sensation Knowshon "I Know You Had to Look Up My Name to Properly Spell It" Moreno have years of SEC experience under their belt and promise to deliver what they call "fireworks." Russia on the other hand has standard-issue AK-47's and several other forms of artillery, which also boast a large amount of firepower.

And speaking of firepower, don't look now, but Russia hopes to take their potent office to the Georgia ground. Having already pounded the Georgia defense into a surprised submission, Russia looks to keep running on the ground, via tanks and stuff. But don't overlook Georgia's defense. They return several key starters that could be crucial to this match up (if they are able to withstand bullets).

But each side is not without their own devastating losses. For Georgia, the loss of left tackle Trinton Sturdivant could sideline the entire team's national title hopes. Sturdivant received freshman All-American and freshman All-SEC honors last season after starting 13 games at what is regarded as the most important position on the offensive line. He also received a terrible leg injury that will require season-ending reconstructive surgery.

Russia has also had two terrible losses, communism and Dolph Lundgren. Communism fell when President Ronald "Reagan Smash" Reagan punched a hole in the Berlin Wall so violently that it sent the entire thing crumbling down. No James Bond movie was ever the same. Dolph Lundgren, who portrayed himself in the 1985 documentary Rocky IV under the screen name Captain Ivan Drago, hasn't been cool since he was defeated by the Italian Stallion. The Stallion on the other hand, fought for truth, justice, steroids, brain damage, and the American way in two more films. The loss of Lundgren/Drago could be potentially lethal for the Russian troops, who regarded him as a leader as well as an icon.

But we will have to wait and see. By all reports, Russia has not made it to Athens yet to challenge the Bulldogs directly, but are currently creating a new Sherman trail, destroy county after county of likely Georgia Tech fans on the way to Sanford Stadium. But sifting through those weaker foes may only prove to be pomp and circumstance by the time they reach Mark "Haircut?" Richt and his Bulldogs.

Look on CNN, FOX News, or MSNBC to see the latest results from the Russian offense, or check any and all SEC-blogs for a more fair and balanced approach.


  1. Zack, This has already been done.

  2. Just when we try to be original, you have to bring us crumbling down. You jerk.

  3. Dang it. I tried really hard. And this is what I get. Nuts.