Monday Morning S--t Storm

The 4th of July? On a Monday?

Why it's a GRH MIRACLE!!!

I love the 4th so much. I recently interacted with some Brits in the past several weeks. Long story short we got to explaining cultural differences, and the 4th came up. After explaining that we have a holiday celebrating the giant middle finger we gave to their country, I explained that the 4th was Food, Beer, and Explosions.

I live in a pussy firework state that only sells pussy fireworks. To be honest with you it's not even worth shooting the bullshit they sell. So I have to relive my youth through watching youtube videos of people being awesome with fireworks.



The shit storm is to send us awesome firework videos from youtube or something captured on your own.

Godspeed.

The Ballad of Casey

Youtube is gay, watch the video here.
(deadspin.com)

**Update** Reeeeemixxxxxxx


Bullying is a major problem in all schools, especially with the advent of the internet and phone cameras. Usually we see bullies ridiculing a young kid, however sometimes the bullying goes terribly...wrong.

Enter Casey, champion of Wallaby middle school, defender of hope and freedom, and prolific power bomber.

But this video doesn't do our young hero justice. Who is he? Why is he picked on? What pushed him over the edge? Well don't worry dear reader we have our own theories at GRH.

I give you, The Ballad of Casey.

-Lattimer

Casey is an 8th grader at Wallaby middle school in Sydney Australia. Known as the smartest kid in his class, Casey devotes most of his time to studying and immersing himslef in arts, music and literature under the watchful eye of his single mother. You see, Casey's mom never wanted him to turn out like his father so they moved to Australia at a young age and she forbade him from playing rough house with other kids, and traditional Aussie sports like football and rugby. As a result of his cultured lifestyle, Casey was constantly picked on by the other boys.

But Casey did have one friend, his next door neighbor Nicole. (girl at the end) Nicole liked Casey because they both had honors classes together, and Casey would usually help Nicole on difficult math problems. Nicole, would tell Casey to not let Ricky (hat) and her on and off again boyfriend A.J (white shirt) bully him so much. Casey would shrug it off saying "I can't." Soon she would learn why.

One night Nicole came over to Casey's house early to get started on their science fair project. Casey's mom wasn't home so she figured he was just sleeping in late on a Saturday. However, when she entered the house she heard strange noises coming from the basement. Being the curious girl she is, Nicole went to investigate. What she saw shocked her. Casey was performing highly skilled martial arts moves, power cleaning bags of cement, and punching holes in the concrete walls. Startled, she made a quiet gasp, which sent Casey across the basement and placing her in a sleeper hold. Realizing what he had done, he apologized and told Nicole his secret.

Casey's father was a government MK-Ultra agent, a secret assassin with super human skills who died in the line of duty. Somehow during Casey's conception, he obtained his father's DNA strands containing those skills. He didn't move to Australia for a change of scenery, it was for his own protection. In kindergarten he jammed a block down a kid's throat, and sat on another's killing him instantly. Unfortunately this alerted his father's old enemies.

During the video, young Casey was explaining Algebra to the two young girls when Ricky and A.J show up. Casey had tried to explain to Nicole that A.J was bad news. (His father was the drug king of Sydney and A.J was his rep for the public schools) Things came to a front when Casey discovered A.J was trying to slip Rufalin into Nicole's Mountain Dew at the valentines dance. Casey threatened A.J, but had to back down. A.J, wanting revenge set his lackey, Ricky to embarrass Casey. As you can see Casey was unphased by the weak punches, however something set him off. Not heard in the video is Ricky whispering "Your father was a pussy." Feeling uncontrollable rage inside him, he picked up Ricky and droped him on the pavement. When A.J intervened, Casey used his years of yoga and meditation to calm himself. Nicole, knowing Casey's power quickly tries to calm A.J, but to no avail. As A.J turns the corner he grabs Casey's backpack. Casey swings the bag, placing the straps around A.J's neck, hanging him from the coat rack, and throwing several blows to the head and torso.

Our scene ends with Casey sitting in ISS. Meanwhile, Sergei Zobakov (An ex KGB) watches the youtube video, and ordering his men to assemble. Miraj Ahman (PLO leader) Clicks a link on his twitter feed and smirks. Juan Montoya (Columbian Revolutionary) sees his troops lauging at a video when he looks his eyes widen. Col. Richard McCrystal (MK-Ultra Handler) is watching a large screen in the command center and says "Get me the President." Finally we see Nicole passing by the ISS room waving to Casey who is in deep meditation, that is until his eyes suddently open.
/Credits

-Stovall
In a world of chaos, of terrorism, of tsunamis, of hurricanes, and of disaster, it's safe to believe that there are no protectors out there, keeping the world from decending into further turmoil. You'd be wrong.

"We're here to help you. We're here to help."

One global agency has existed since before the inception of recorded history. A selfless legion of protectors who must decide when to avert disaster...and when to let some continue.

"We can't be discovered...if they knew we could make ALL danger go away, the result would be...even more tragic..."

Shrouded in secrecy and devoted to anonymity, this legion would stay intact throughout the ages, carrying on their forefathers' legacies on through their own family lines and generations of children, each taught to keep their powers - powers of great strength, flight, speed, and nigh invulnerability - safely hidden from the rest of mankind.

"We keep even worse things from happening Casey. We can't be discovered. We're here to help."

Until Casey.

"MOM, why can't we keep all bad things from happenin-..."
"NO, there must be some darkness to enjoy the light, and we have the power to..."
"But MY LIFE is nothing but darkness..."

One boy who has the power to stop anyone's hurting, including his own, but sworn to protect an vow of secrecy for himself and his family until...

BODYSLAM

"Do you realize what you've done, son, what you've COMPROMISED?"

From the producers of 'Jumper' and 'Independence Day,'...

"I couldn't any more, WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF THE WORLD, FATHER?"

Comes the story of a young boy...

"We can't do this any more Casey, you're either with us or against us..."

Who had all of the power in the world...

"You made me a target for bullies...on purpose?!"

To help himself...

"Who would suspect you have the ability to hold up dams, or tackle tornadoes?"

And others...

"It's my LIFE."

Just like him...

"I saw what you did in there...it was...brave..."
"Thanks...and thanks for stopping them from doing anything else..."

and just like her...

"IT'S. YOUR. DUTY...how do you think this is going to end, Casey?"

"I saw what you did in there...it was...brave..."

"I don't know...but I have to try..."

(slow mo)Casey lifts the ground to curb an oncoming lava wave
(slow mo) Casey standing in front of family being shot by a gang
(fast motion) Casey flies directly into tsunami wave, reversing its direction with a BOOM

UNBULLYABLE

"You can't help all of them. No matter how many you save, they'll hate you for it. You'll still be bullied, or worse, my son."

Casey, flying in mid air, holds hand up to oncoming commercial airliner heading directly for the White House

"That doesn't matter anymore."

BOOM.

...July 4, 2012...

www.ihavethepower.com

Friday afternoon Fun Bag!!!!

Alright Alright 4th of July

Hot Dogs
Beer
EXPLOSIONS

Obligatory


You know what America is all about? BEING AMERICAN!!! Here is the most interesting man in the world's take on manscaping.


For all of you that support soccer I hope your happy, I hope your reaaaaaal happy because YOU are ruining Uhmurica.


Now we have a lot of fun here at GRH but I do want to reiterate WE DO NOT FREE BASE COCAINE. Now we'll take a drank, we'll take a drank. Except Tequila.....Well actually about twice a year we drank tequila. But WE DO NOT FREE BASE COCAINE.


Sorry, Also obligatory.




Finally, some of you may watch fireworks, other cooler people may set off their own. But the best...the best make their own bombs.


Ok gang, keep all your fingers this weekend

Monday Morning Sh--t Storm!

It's a Hail Mary MMSS this morning, but luckily, College Football has given us a bowl schedule to digest and debate.

• What's the best bowl game?


• Who got blown (the bad kind)?


• Who got blown (the good kind!)?


• Do you love/hate Tebow?


• Cinncy/TCU/Boise: Winners or Whiners?


• I took a dump the size of my thigh this morning: Call the doctor in fear or brag to my co-workers?


• Mack Brown or Nick Saban?


• Who's going to win the Papajohns.com bowl AND WHY?

It's bowl season, which means there's plenty a-goin' on. DEBATE.

Tragedy Strike St. Louis Days Prior to All-Star Game

Sammy Sosa Does Something Funnier Than Zack Stovall Can Put Into Words Without Meaning To

CHICAGO — Sammy Sosa, of Dominican, Cubs and MLB lore, did something accidental this afternoon at lunch that was so hilarious and so wondrous, witnesses claim that it cannot be elaborated upon within the confines of human language.

"I mean, he was just standing there and then all of a sudden..." stammered witness Patty Andrews. "I was crying I was laughing so hard. We all were."

"Man, that guy didn't even mean to."

Other witnesses claim there may have a been a loud crashing sound or some sort of Disney-esque high crescendo squeak mere seconds before the hysterical calamity brought the house down.

"Did you SEE that?!" bellowed Steve Welch, 47, a Chicago welder. "That guy SUCKS," confirmed Welch, as he snorted his third chili dog of the day.

Sosa could not be reached for comment, as he was too busy mopping up the drool from his latest episode of blank staring.

Caption Contest!

Reggie: mmmmmmm... chocolate sorbet.

or...

"Well, Kim was talking about needing some shoulder pads or some shit, so I was like, 'here, try these on.'"

or...

Reggie: THIS ICE CREAM'S GOING STRAIGHT TO THAT ASS! YES! REGGIE WINS AGAIN!
/Reggie somersaults

This should be comedic gold, you hacks. Do it to it.

There Will Be Blood

BOOM MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!

Will Muschamp is now the coach "in waiting" for the University of the people's republic of Texas.

Missouri-Texas hate week aside, this is a great move by Texas.

Great coach, great facilities, and a great recruiting base.

Furthermore, Muschamp's strength is in the X's and O's department as well as player motivation. He can take this time to learn from one of the best CEO's/recruiters in the game, Mack Brown.

I also mentioned Muschamp's impact earlier.

My only fear is the fact that when Muschamp takes over I might actually have to like Texas.

I don't like this. It depresses me.

I'll just watch "Scent of a Woman" and get over it.

Always Remember:
Knock these motherfuckers out.

The lesser of two evils...CFB 10 preview

So for number 8 I decided to make an executive decision. The top ten list I'm going off of is from Athlon Sports. For those of you who don't know, Athlon is quite possibly the worst pre-season magazine publication ever created. When I started this list I couldn't find my Phil Steele magazine. (My dad stole it) and in a state of Yuengling induced trauma I decided to go off of Athlon's list. For this I apologize. Anyway for number 8 Athlon has Auburn. I don't want to cover Auburn for 3 reasons. 1. I hate Auburn. 2. I refuse to do 4 SEC teams in a top ten. 3. Auburn at 8 is a dumb fucking pick.

As a result, I decided to use this number 8 slot as a dark-horse slot for teams I felt needed some recognition. Only one problem. My two dark-horse teams are from Texas. In the end I chose the lesser of two evils and decided to talk about Texas football.

First up Texas Tech...

The first think you have to note about TT is the fact that they have this guy. For further research on Mike Leach look here. here. here. And of course here. Without a doubt the strength of Tech lies within Leach. Any guy who can call a mesh route 25 times a game, and uses a call sheet the size of a napkin is alright with me. You could argue about Graham Harrell's effectiveness, and whether Michael Crabtree will have a sophomore slump, but you're missing the point. TT's offense has been, and will be solid. The real question is whether or not TT's defense can become adequate enough to become major players in the Big 12. The thing is, the defense doesn't have to be lights out, in theory, they just have to stop the opposing teams offense enough to allow TT to run wild. You can debate whether or not Leach's Airraid offense actually hurts a defense, but the fact still remains that the defense, rather than the offense, is the key for Tech this year.

Looking at the schedule, Tech really only has one key stretch in the year. From Oct. 25th to Nov. 22nd they play at Kansas, Texas (H), OK state (H) and at Oklahoma. If they come out of this stretch with at least one loss, they can hope for Big 12 stars to align and a possible Big 12 championship appearance.

Which brings me to my next team... Texas.
I can't believe I'm saying this but I feel the longhorns are a legitimate Big 12 championship contender and a dark, dark, dark, dark horse NC contender.
The first key is the offense, specifically the maturation of QB Colt McCoy. This is the year McCoy shows whether he will continue last year's plateau in terms of development, or whether he turns into the QB everyone in Texas thought he could become. With the masterful recruiter, Mack Brown, you know the cupboard isn't bare and Texas will have the talent to compete. With two seniors returning at WR and the hopeful impact of RB's Vondrell McGee and Fozzy Whittaker, The weight rests solely on McCoy's shoulders to perform.

The schedule for Texas, however, is not so encouraging. Texas must travel to Colorado, followed with the Red River shootout. The Longhorns must then face the Missouri Tigers in which could turn out to be the most important game in Mizzou's history. (More on this in the Mizzou preview) Follow that up with OK state the following week , a trip to Lubbock, and ending the season with a game at Kansas and the ever dangerous A&M game in Austin.

With that schedule is Texas going to go undefeated? No. will they Fuck somebody's NC world up? Maybe. However, the only hope for Texas to make any type of Big 12 run rests on the shoulders of this guy.

Boom indeed.
As I said before, with Mack attack at the helm, you know the defensive talent will be there. While Texas returns 5 starters on defense, Muschamp will make the difference. The Big 12 is arguably the best offensive conference in FBS football, and the team that wins the Big 12 will have to possess a defense that, at the least, contains the potent offensive schemes and players in the conference. I believe Muschamp can be that guy. He knows how to deal with the wide open, spread, no huddle offenses seen in the Big 12. Which is, let those war daddy's work, send a shitload of firezones, and fuck up the pretty boy Qb's. You see, although Muschamp is a great defensive mind, like most great DC's he realizes the key to great defensive football. He demands all 11 players to play with a borderline psychotic craze. Pursue to the football and kill.

I'm not going to make a bold prediction on either TT or Texas, again these teams were outside of the list I'm going off of, but I felt like they needed some consideration. I also realize TT is the "hot" pick this year. It's funny though, while most people focus on the offenses, in my mind the fate of both these teams rests on the defenses,(Everything is about defense) and maybe once I start talking about Oklahoma and Mizzou these two will become an afterthought. However, I think the Big 12 is easily the second best conference top to bottom. After this year they may overtake the SEC as big boy on the BCS block. Regardless, TT and Texas require some consideration and are much more deserving than Auburn at number 8.