Want to know why ESPN sucks?

Sure. I get it. It's a late Tuesday afternoon. Not a lot of big news going around the country. Baseball is already into its second week, NBA playoffs are nigh, and each are far too long. Life is great.

I also understand the Feast and Famine atmosphere of the news business. There's never any middle ground; Either you're awash in too much information, only bits of which you can possibly hope to retain, or your in the middle of the desert, desperately hoping for a drop of sweat to quench your thirst. Maybe there's a famine period going on today for the folks in Connecticut.

But here's my primary beef with ESPN: If it isn't newsworthy, don't report it. And certainly don't make it your featured headlines (plural! /slaps forehead). Here's a glance at the so-called "headlines" from ten-til-five today.


* De La Hoya says his time in the ring is over — Oh, really? This isn't news, this is olds; The Golden Boy has been out of the game since the idea that he could ever do anything other than punch people for a living entered everyone's mind.

* Beckett suspended for nearly beaning Abreu — Nearly beaning? What? No bloodshed? That's barely a story. Josh Beckett's soul patch is a bigger story than that.

* Isiah Thomas named basketball coach at FIU — STOP THE PRESSES! The much-maligned Knickerbocker has returned to the collge ranks in the gully of the ballyhooed SUN BELT CONFERENCE to take on the likes of ARKANSAS STATE and WESTERN KENTUCKY! Let me know if he can get them to dunk and/or get people to care.

* Celtics' Allen suspended for elbowing Varejao — Ray Allen is mad gangsterish. He's throwing 'bows. He also looks like Charlie Villanueva, the hairless wonder.

* Xavier to introduce Mack as new head coach — You lost me when 'Xavier' was anything other than the Professor from X-Men.

* Connecticut center Thabeet to enter NBA draft — Duh.

* Autopsy shows Kalas died from heart disease — Mournful as this was yesterday, this is an addendum to an earlier story. Emphasis on 'yesterday.'

* Duke point guard Paulus works out for Packers — ESPN is treating this move of a college athelete abahdeetabahdeetabahdeet (double-take noise) playing another sport (like Julius Peppers, Matt Jones, etc. etc. ad nasuem) like it's yet another sequel to Air Bud, a film which, by the way, garnered very little attention from the Academy.

* E:60: Air quality at ice rinks causes concern — Concern....from the one fan who was watching hockey? Or the three fans watching figure skating?

* Rumors: Quinn, like Montana, may be a 49er (Insider) — This is the most egregious of them all, and it's labeled the biggest one, only to be viewed by the most select and dignified of readers (/extends pinky).

Quinn went to Notre Dame. He won zero championships and was best known for being totally super cute. Joe Montana went to Notre Dame, nearly won a Heisman, a national championship, and oh by the way, won three Super Bowls as a 49er. The fact that they both went to Notre Dame — of which, I am a fan, by the way — only matters in one regard: They're both honkies. Other than that the comparisons should stop.

This last post is the most clear example, along with the others as corroborating evidence, that ESPN loves to make stories where there are, in fact, none.

But again, that's not news. That's olds. Or it should be. Just go here or here for your sports news. Or grab a ball and make news happen yourself.