Wednesday, August 11, 2010

A Brief Discussion on the Last Night's Cardinals/Reds Fracas

Alright, everyone. Chill out. Calm down. Calm DOWN, got it? Okay. We're good.


Things escalated quickly there, huh? Got out of hand pretty fast, eh? That was something.

Let's look at the events as they happened, starting with Monday afternoon:
  • Brandon Phillips, Reds All-Star 2B, says in so many words he hates the Cardinals and their bitching.

  • The national media, likely lurking beind Phillips' locker, transcribed these statements, delivering them directly to the Cardinals.

  • Phillips, aware of the tension, attempts to do his customary complimentary tap of the catcher and umpire's respective shin guards.

  • Yadier Molina - WITHOUT THE AID OF A TRANSLATOR - tells Phillips "I'm not your bitch." He kicks his bat away and stands face to face with Phillips on home plate like some sort of mangodthing.

  • Initial escalation. Words are exchanged hautily.

  • Tony LaRussa blames Dusty Baker for the scruffle. Both are ejected.

  • Secondary escalation: Momentum seems to push an agitated Chris Carpenter, Cardinals co-ace, Scott Rolen, a former Cardinal and nice guy, and Jason LaRue toward the back gate. Video shows the Reds' starting pitcher Johnny Cueto running around the scrum, then getting himself pinned BY HIS OWN PLAYERS, and starts kicking.

  • It is determined that Cueto, as most baseballers do, was wearing metal cleats while kicking, inserting said cleats into LaRue's face. No cleats were inserted to Cueto's OWN TEAMMATES' respective faces.

That's about it. Cards won the game, and Yadier hit a homer. That was neat.


Don't talk shit, and none of this happens. If you talk shit, don't be friendly. Don't be a flipflopping shit-talker: The shit ends up in your mouth, son. Lesson learned.

Don't kick people after running into the scrum and getting pinned BY YOUR OWN PLAYERS. That's super-unprofressional. I don't know where you learned how to fight. Also, if you're big enough to kick someone in the face with metal spikes, be big enough to try and speak to the press without looking so scared while being translated. Made your catcher look like your attorney. Have some pride, man.

DB, I'm all for you defending your boy. But look at the tape first. "They had him pinned up pretty good like a rat in a corner." So the other rats pinned up the one rat and that one rat got so mad scared he starting kicking with his metal spikes? BOOSHMAIN. PS - The manager and the pitcher of the other team punked you out there. That's where you are in baseball. You could have stayed with the Cubs and done that, silly!

He already said this very well.


  1. All I have to show is Brandon Phillips car and you will see my opinion of him incarnate

    Furthermore, as Bernie Miklaz said today in the Post, I think Phillips has a word for how the Reds fight...

  2. I think the best part of the fight is how Rolen was trying to break everything up then at the end he just walks off with this "fuck this shit" look on his face.

  3. The best part of anything regarding Yadier is that he wears his New Era over the tops of his ears.

    "Judon't know me, mang!"

  4. Aaaaaaaaaaand a sweep.

    Brandon Phillips,
    How does Colby's ass taste?

    /not gay
    //would be funny if it tasted like cheese