Monday, February 8, 2010

Non-Footballing Super Bowl Recap!

Okay, so for most of us who don't live in the city of Indianapolis or the state of Louisiana, last night's game was just a good contest between two great QBs with pretty baller defenses. The game itself didn't disappoint, coming down to a key play ("OH MAN, DID YOU SEE THAT PICK?! PEYTON MANNING IS BAD AT FOOTBALL."). But, again, for most of us, we were likely needing the whole package to keep us glued: a good game AND a healthy dose of thoughtless entertainment.

Here's a review of some of the non-football elements of the Super Bowl.

Warm Fuzzies: The Great Spirits of Humanity and Triumph, which brought you such notable hits as Jesus of Nazareth, Rudy, the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile and Barack Obama have come through again to give you Walking on Water: The 2009 New Orleans Saints, which is the feel-good story everyone wanted. This is somewhat football related, in that the outcome of the game determined it, but get ready to hear about "just what this Super Bowl means to the city devastated by a Hurricane only four years agoooo..." I blacked out; what happened. What did I miss.

Nothing wrong with it or anything, but I'd like to think that the city of New Orleans has plenty to be proud of, even if the milk-drinkers of Indy had prevailed last night. But good for them, good for New Orleans. Now they have what they've never needed and have done fairly well without: a reason to get blackout drunk in early-to-mid February.

Who's Playing at Halftime?: Ever since Janet Jackson's boob happened in 2004, and MTV was banned from hosting anymore Super Bowl halftimes, the overhyped mid-game celebration has sported a roster of increasingly elderly bands and frontmen, like the Rolling Stones, Paul McCartney, and Bruce Springsteen. This is been to most everyone's liking.

The Who played this year, and I was much more entertained than in years previous. Of course, I like The Who more than those other guys, but I thought it was a better set, anyway. Keith Moon's son wasn't Keith Moon, but if you can't get Keith Moon, being that he's dead and all, you may as well get Keith Moon's seed to play. Townshend's performance was a 33% for me: He windmilled, but no powerslide? No guitar smash? Those are three classic and iconic rock moves that he himself coined. I understand his elder state may have hindered the powerslide (no one wants to see an old man shatter his own kneecaps on National Television [except me]), but he could have at least thrown a guitar or two down.

A Reason to Put a TV in the Bathroom: Making urine during a football game is and should be relegated to the commercials. But this silly Super Bowl, making better commercials for the game? For shame!

Luckily, most Super Bowl commercials are disappointing.

I think we may have hit a low point in the collective intellectual humor of the nation as a whole. Many more commercials than I can count featured the same premise: Is that a MAN? Not wearing all of his CLOTHES? But he is in/looks like he belongs in a REGUALR OFFICE SETTING! BWAHAHAHAH GETMETHATPRODUCTINBULKRIGHTNOW! The Denny's commercials with the screaming chicken was good, and reminded me I haven't been to Denny's in awhile and that Tuesday Tuesday Tuesday might be a good day to go. I don't think Miller Lite even tried to compete this year.

And of course...
"Omigah, this was like so bad and offensive and bad. I mean, abortion is like awesome and Tim Tebow used to be awesome, but now he is like not awesome." Talk about making a detrimentally bigger deal out of something than it is, which is what I think the groups who were out to harpoon this commercial did. They made a big stink out of something that was, for all intents and purposes, rather benign.

The group NOW, the primary deal-raisers, and their president made a weak statement saying that they weren't offended by the anti-abortion message so much as the violence against women it encouraged. Yeah, because Tim Tebow fake tackling his mother does that. /slaps forehead. When the anti-abortion group gets ads putting coat hangers and fetuses in my face during the Super Bowl, then I'll hear your valid complaints.

The best commercial in my book is still a commercial that's been out for awhile: Wal-Mart's Clown-Stepping-On-Unicorn. Hooboy.

Other Goings On:

+ I thought Jim Nantz did a good job in the booth. He's can get professionally excited. Meanwhile, I think Phil Simms may have significant brain damage, or voice immodulation disorder. Or both!

+ The Puppy Bowl was adorable. My thoughts was that they could use humane society dogs up for adoption in the bowl and tell everyone that puppies not adopted from the Puppy Bowl would, you know...not be around anymore. That would probably move some puppies off the shelves pretty fast(Oh, God, I'm just kidding, remove the wad of panties from your butthole).

+ I made sausage balls for the party last night. Four cups Bisquick, four cups cheese and a tube of sausage. Last time I made them, they came out too-buscuity, so naturally, this year I added more sausage. This created a contained grease fire that burned the bottoms of the balls. Once those were removed, they were pretty good. Better luck next year.

+ Pretty cool web site here pitting the 44 Super Bowls against the 44 Presidents of the United States. SPOILER ALERT! Super Bowls won 24-20, but that's only because we've had a string of not-as-good Presidents as of late. However, rest assured Clinton vs. XLII (Giants vs. Pats) was a barn-burner.

All in all, pretty good. Can't wait until baseball season. Then it will be football again. Good times, good times. Feel free to add your thoughts, musings, and et cetera in the comment section.


  1. In other news, there was a gleeful dearth of Kim Kardashian during the game.

    However, I must point this out: A lot of girls took interest in this game as Kim vs. Kendra, as Kim Kardashian be with Reggie Bush and Kendra Baskett, former Hugh Heffner gold digger and Girl Next Door, is married and has spawned a son with former Eagle (CUT!) and current Colt Hank Baskett, Jr.

    The ballsy onside kick to start the second half hit Hank Baskett, Jr. right in the face, showing why he got cut by the Iggles in the first place. Kim wins! And then she won the game! Huzzah!

  2. Correction: The drummer last night was Ringo's son, Zak Starkey.