Thursday, January 21, 2010

America's Forgotten Athletes Finally Get Their Due

Everybody has already heard about this absurdity, but it bears mentioning here. The All-American Basketball Alliance, an all-naturally born Caucasian basketball league has been formed. As much of a juxtaposition as anything, these people are really serious about taking any and all fun out of one of the most organic sports that exists.

I would also like to point out that Augusta, GA is the only confirmed home city thus far. If you encounter a resident of Augusta that wonders what they did to deserve this plight, please remind them of their golf course and slap them.

For your reading pleasure, commissioner Don "Moose" Lewis' arguments in favor of the league, FJM-styled.

"Only players that are natural born United States citizens with both parents of Caucasian race are eligible to play in the league."
No ruffians like ZaZa Pachulia!

"There's nothing hatred about what we're doing,"
Grammatically incorrect lying.

"I don't hate anyone of color."
Just lying.

"But people of white, American-born citizens are in the minority now."
Grammatically incorrect, and untrue.

"Here's a league for white players to play fundamental basketball, which they like."
Grayson Boucher begs to differ.

"Would you want to go to the game and worry about a player flipping you off or attacking you in the stands or grabbing their crotch?"
Players attacking fans in the stands (with one exception) is strictly a hockey phenomenon, and is limited to white players. The flipping off of fans is strictly a football phenomenon, and it crosses race lines. Until I was 14, I thought that they kept crotchgrabbing stats in baseball.

"That's the culture today, and in a free country we should have the right to move ourselves in a better direction."
"Better" means segregation here, apparently. From my research, any time that races mix, something good happens.

"We need a local person ingrained into the community to make this successful."
Ask Hootie Johnson. If he says no, then it turns out you need a time machine.

"People will come out and support a product they can identify with."
Such a product exists. It's called the WNBA, and is well-known for having financial troubles linked to pitiful attendance.

"I'm the spoken minority right now..."
Still grammatically incorrect, and still untrue.

"...but if people will give us a chance, it'll work."
Here is where I would like to point out that this league's goal is not to create a financially solvent, respected enterprise, but rather to incite anger and division between people. In this regard, this statement is factually correct.

"The white game of basketball, which is essentially a fundamental game, works."
Joe Johnson is one of the most fundamentally-sound players in the world. He plays in Atlanta, and is not white.

But yeah, you're right. Georgians are aching for something more fun to watch than this.


This clownish travesty made headlines this week, purely because of how absurd it is. Everybody had a good laugh, since that's all you can really do with something this sad.

Luckily for everyone, this will probably be the last we hear of it.


  1. I went to a middle school game in the city, and I really feel like Id rather have that over this league.

  2. So they Don't keep ball scratching stats in baseball? What they hell are they doing?

    But inall seriousness the guy who came up with this should suck a bag of....Well ask Andrew CK