Monday, March 7, 2011

A heart to heart with your rival

Hey Cav Man come on in.

Hey can I take your...cape? I know you like wine and cheese so I put a plate out...

Oh, sorry. You know don't worry about it, I trip over that perfectly smooth surface all the time. It's like momma said "You're an idiot if you fuck up something so easy that..."

Well forget that, here let me pour you a glass of a 2006 Artezin Dry Creek Zinfandel.

Yes it's under $20, is that a problem?

It is?

Well here let me offer you some cheese and crackers.

/unwraps Ritz and Laughing Cow packages

Yes uhhhh the cheese is from France.

Anyway Cav Man I wanted to talk to you. I was looking at the internet today and I found something that belongs to you.

Yeah, here's the thing. First off the video does a great job of depicting UVA. The mountain hard weare, the khakis, preppy brunettes drinking out of solo cups, the inability to connect on a high five. That is UVA, great job on the accuracy. It's just that...

Yes, people think this is stupid. You know a lot of people have this problem. A rap video always seems like a good idea but it never...

Well this wasn't your first time. I've seen a pattern.

You know, addiction is a problem we all face. For example I love beating the shit out of you in football every year and making fun of Lacrosse. You love making videos that make you look like cake eaters.

Well that's the problem, you don't think it affects anyone else, but it really does. I...I just can't make fun of you right now. I know we've had our good times. I mean, we beat you in football every year, you do well in other sports like lacrosse and soccer, which are super cool by the way. You screw up our chances of making the NCAA tournament, and your team doctors try to trip our players.

Don't worry about that dent in your BMW, you know daddy will pay for it.

But now? It's just not the same. Look, you have a great University. You're smart, you're well prepared for any type of mountaineering. You exit games at appropriate times to avoid traffic congestion. Your University was founded by Thomas Jefferson. You have a Rotunda...which is cool.

Oh, don't cry, hey it's ok we all have tough times in our life. Hey pick yourself up and get out there. I know deep down inside you have what it takes to be respectable. Got get em!

/Smack on the ass
//WVU Mountaineer appears from closet.

Mountaineer They aren't going to make it are they?

Lattimer: I've never seen them this low.

Mountaineer: So same agreement?

Lattimer: (Sigh) Yeah, go fuck yourself

Mountaineer: Eat shit
/sets couch on fire

1 comment:

  1. Setting couches on fire is quite the coup de gras