Tuesday, January 25, 2011

A Message to the Aspiring College Rap/Pop Artists

I wrote to you previously highlighting the history of college fan/rap videos. I still stand by my suggestion that you should not try to make one. It's kinda like Atreyu in The Neverending Story where he has to pass that gate with the giant wing statue things. You know, the ones that will blast all the warriors with lasers only if they are pure of heart. They all end up dying, and that one guy laughs at him.

Making a fan rap video is kind of like that, only for the pure of heart.

It seems, however that my message is not getting through, so in the interest of the kids, I'll show you some good examples of fan rap videos and why others fail. Think of it about the safe sex education in schools. If you're going to get fucked, use a condom.

First let me start off by showing what I think is the standard for fan/college inspired videos.

Again, when we look at this video we see humor, random scenes (the key dropping) and some pretty funny lines.

(What we got?)

Daniel Boone mother fucker and his shiny ass feet
Upper Powell mother fucker get you something to eat
We got dorms mother fucker, get a sweet ass suite
Eastern, mother fucker, its a fucking treat

And again, it pokes fun at the school while still showing its endearing qualities. Good job Eastern Kentucky.

Here's a fan favorite from BYU. As you can see here these girls are being brutally honest about the situation In Provo. They aren't trying to be hardcore, or explain how cool it is, just singing a catchy tune. That and the machete wielding roller blade girl, she gets me every time.

Finally we have the pinnacle of fan rap videos. As you can tell the key feature in this video is that it's performed by Uncle Luke. An actual rapper. With actual talent. "But Lattimer, what if a rapper won't make a song about my school? What then?" I understand your concern and my advice to you is to make your school rap worthy. How? Ask yourself, do you have machete wielding hatians near your campus? What about major Drug dealers? (ideally cocaine) Does your football team do things depicted in the film above? If the answer is no, then your school is not worthy.

Ok on to the new examples of how not to make a fan rap video.


I would put this in what I like to call the "anthem class." It's something that "Notti boy" hopes will be played by all Hawkeye fans and maybe even in Kinnick Stadium before home games. I'll give him credit for the actual performance, and the unintentional comedy. Yet I know Notti Boy truly trying to make Iowa look hardcore, and in the end that loses points in my book. That and rapping on an overpass. Don't do that. Oh and don't look constipated when you make it rain.

Here we have another anthem from tOSU. A lot of things wrong here. I believe the guy is a huge Buckeye fan, and he truly does like the marching band. However, the lyrics/beat are all off.

A long time ago back in the day a school was needed to pave the way to show the rest what it means to be great...1870 Ohio State

That just won't cut it. I also have issues with the red Pontiac, as well as the one shot where another cameraman is in the picture. I would also avoid boom boxes.

The Tucker Max/Asher Roth Phenomenon

This comes from probably our worst offender of fan rap videos, The University of Missouri. Or as the cool kids call it, "The Zou." I know tons of kids who attended Mizzou and I swear they aren't all assholes, go ahead and youtube "Mizzou rap" and you'll see more fine examples. It's not their fault though, it's just that Missouri as a state has an inferiority complex (surrounded by 8 others)and they try to be really cool and hip, but sometimes they just try too hard.

Now here's the thing. And to be honest it's a theme in all of these videos. Generally speaking College is fun. And generally speaking there are awesome parties everywhere. Sure, you have your Bob Jones' who cant have TV in their rooms because TV is the Devil. But, we all have stories, we all did stupid things, and there are whore-slayers everywhere. We get it. College is awesome and so are you. Get over it and move on.

(Insert color) and (Insert color)

Update: HERP A DERP LATTIMER DOESN'T KNOW RAP. THE ORIGINAL SONG IS HERE. I still stand by my Canadian argument

Here we have "White and Purple" an anthem from Western Ontario. Here's a response from Guelph. In fact if you youtube that video there seems to be a lot of school song battles our there. I guess the game the same, just got more fierce. Now this video has a nice beat, decent lyrics, but it just won't work out. First, as a hinted to earlier, I understand you love your college and you want people to think its super cool. However, at the end of the day most colleges are super cool. You get to go to a place which is summer camp on steroids. There is little to no adult supervision, and you are surrounded by peers who also want to drink some beers and tell some lies. It's not unique, it's just a process.

Secondly, this is from Canada. Flavor and Canada don't mix. Plus, if you want to throw a football on video at least look like you've done it before. And REALLY, not everyone is good looking at your school.

However, I will give the mustangs credit. It's somewhat funny (flag guy) and the production value is well above other videos. They say imitation is the best form of flattery, and white and purple spawned other college rap songs. Which are literally the same thing.

I personally think this is busch league. I mean, that song is pretty stupid so it says a lot about your character and school to promote a blatant rip off. Plus it's a blatant violation of the various HONOR CODES put forth by prestigious colleges and universities.

Now, this may surprise you but I'm not in the rap game. I decided to ask GRH rap game correspondent, and close friend, Suge Knight about how his industry would react to someone ripping off a song.

Take it away Suge.

Suge Knight: THEY GET GOT

Thanks Suge!!!

/Hugs it out
//Fist bump
///Tells him we'll get the thing he was talking about done.
////Tells him it'll be clean, no loose strings.

Anyway here are the offending parties.

Here's Chet Haze, son of Tom Hanks. I mean, I just.....Come on Tom, what the hell happened? At least change SOMETHING!!!

That came out a couple weeks ago, then we had to get another version from the fine people in Lawrence Kansas.

Ahh changing it to red and blue. Very subtle KU That's why KU students are so smart and full of themselves. They take an opus like white and purple and change the colors to match their own. Bravissimo.


Really? Ripping a Canadian college rap is what passes for art these days? Say what you want about those shitty Mizzou raps, but at least they are original.

First, It's well documented that all the hot girls at KU come from Missouri, so I think "Those Kansas girls make you say oh my god" is somewhat deceiving.

Second, you don't "put it down on the court" because you aren't on the basketball team, and I just want the KU faithful to realize that lording the basketball team over everyone makes you seem like Duke Midwest.

Finally, I know that every Jayhawk will think that this is super cool and original, while denying that it was blatantly stolen from a Canadian University. Again, Canada. This is what happens when a giant smug cloud covers your campus. Plus rock chalk Jayhawk sounds like a cult ritual.

To summarize, I emplore all the kids out there to think before they rap. If you have to do it, make it funny. Is that too much to ask? Do that or just hire a rapper to do it.

Nobody cares about your school, or your parties, unless their cool. In which case totally tell me about it bro.

(Yes at some point we'll have a rap video from our Alma Matter, and yes I am anticipating the release of black and gold from Mizzou)

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