GET OFF MY PLANE!!!
Lots going on this week, first off I just wanted to wish everyone a happy MLK day. We also have the inauguration tomorrow, which is always fun.
These things are important, however in today's age of divisive politics, a struggling economy, global poverty, and violence in the Middle East I think we here at GRH need to divert our attention...
And determine which politician is the best baller.
Today's shit storm will be the best athlete/politician combo.
Now, we have a couple ways to do this.
First we can choose legitimate athletes turned politicians. Such as Bill Bradley.
Pride of Crystal City MO, Princeton Grad, Rhodes Scholar, NBA Hall of Famer, Senator, Presidential candidate, all around American hero.
But reality gets boring.
So you can also bring something out of you ass.
Observe:
King Henry VIII, hailing from the house of Tudor. I feel he could be a legitimate two-gapper at nose guard.
So there we go, lets have some fun with this.
...Oh and as always here at GRH if you start a political flame war you'll end up just like Bodie.
(Assist from Icehouse)
Posts
And just to be clear, if you do pull something out of your ass please explain your reasoning:
ReplyDeleteGeorge Washington. Height, leadership, strong arm= our nations first QB.
Fine I'll say it. Sarah Palin, Basketball
ReplyDelete"Picking Sarah Palin as a vice presidential candidate is like having a midget start for the Lakers."
ReplyDelete-will.I.am
Ok, I hate the Black Eyed Peas, but that was funny, and kind of goes well with Lattimer's post.
Palin could be a great pick for Hockey, hunting, snowmobiling, dog sledding, or because she was a fine-ass honey of a sports reporter a la Suzy Kolber or Erin Andrews.
But not hoops. She would only be suited to play pg, and she has narrow vision and an unwillingness to share. So not basketball.
King Xerxes is my pick. Looked like Kareem Abdul-Jabar, fucked as many hos as Wilt Chamberlain, and burnt more shit to the ground than Bill Russell, Bill Laimbeer, and Bill Walton combined. 8 ft. tall, solid hands, and the golden god of a center for my team.
Kevin Johnson.
ReplyDeleteWent to the finals, set records for assists. Survived being around Charles Barkley for the better part of a decade without Chuck successfully biting him. Got yammed on by Antonio Daniels every time he played the Spurs. Mayor of Sacramento.
Jack Kemp, also a great QB
ReplyDeleteI kinda feel like Alexander The Great would be a great option QB.
ReplyDeleteLeadership
Mobility
Decision making
Abraham Lincoln, as a pro-wrestler "The Emancipator."
ReplyDelete6'6" and lean, President Lincoln was a grappler. Chopping down wood and building houses out of made his shoulders and arms strong, and perfect for throwing down in fisticuffs. His beard was also fantastic for hiding razor blades in.
Also, as Tyler Durden said in Fight Club, "Big guy, long reach. Skinny guys fight to the core."
Lance Armstrong is pondering a run for Senate in Texas.
ReplyDeleteThat is all.
FDR
ReplyDeleteMurderball
There, I did it.
Famed Missouri Tiger fullback Brock Olivo ran for congress in MO.
ReplyDeleteHe failed
Margaret Thatcher
ReplyDeleteMiddle linebacker
Nolan Ryan for president. Say something he doesn't like, and he'll pick up something round, and put 100-MPH of shut-the-fuck-up in your ear.
ReplyDeleteKaká should be the next Pope.
ReplyDeleteHe plays for Jesus.
John Paul Jones, the father of the American Navy, would have made a hell of a skipper for an America's Cup boat. Because if your boat's better, he'll take it. That's how the Pirate John Paul Jones do.
ReplyDelete"What? Huh? What? FUCK YOU!"
-John Paul Jones
Patton.
ReplyDeleteA footballer at West Point.
I can't think of a better personality for being a running back. Nothing could stand in his way and survive. Imagine Larry Csonka crossed with Earl Campbell, with a dash of Walter Payton.
Yes.
Attila the Hun would compliment the Ravens' linebacking corps, specifically Ray Lewis, as both never have had any qualms about stabbing people in public to prove a point.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of which, Ray Lewis would make a pretty good emperor of China.
Taft, left tackle. 6'4", 1.2 bajillion lbs.
ReplyDeletePhil Jackson would make a great secretary of state. Never one for mincing words, PJax knows how to exactly give just enough constructive criticism to motivate without depressing the feelings of the target too much.
ReplyDeleteDiplomacy is paramount with Jackson. Shaq and Kobe, Scottie and Michael, this guy's career has been made by placating egos.
Finally, he's all down with the Eastern Zen shit, so the Chinese will like us more.
Does the Ghost of Roy Hobbs recognize cheerleading as a sport? You need to get that sorted out since weare about to have dueling cheerleaders running for Texas Governor: Rick Perry (A&M) and Kay Bailey Hutchison (UT).
ReplyDeleteIt's a little known fact that Grover Cleveland is the reason behind the seventh-inning stretch. See, it was the first time a President had ever attended a baseball game, and all eyes were on him. In the middle of the seventh, he stood up and stretched, so everyone else at the park did the same. Hence, the seventh inning stretch.
ReplyDeleteHe was also a drunk that had illegitimate kids, so he's fitted for, oh, TAKING SHAWN KEMP'S PLACE ON THE GREATEST BASKETBALL TEAM EVER ASSEMBLED!
Xerxes at the 5, Grover at the 4, KJ running the show at point. Stay tuned.
Cheerleading definitely counts as a sport, but what aspects would make each candidate viable? Rabble-rousing? Sex appeal? Community organizing?
ReplyDeleteWasn't George W a cheerleader as well?
ReplyDeleteCan't believe I forgot this one.
ReplyDeleteJesse "The Body" Ventura.
Pro Wrestler.
On March 27th, 2008, Evo Morales (President, Bolivia) signed with the La Paz minor league team Litoral.
ReplyDeleteMorales' soccer ability launched his political career. Bolivia's largest coca growers' union named him its head of sports after his performances for a local coca growers' team caught the eye of union leaders. Morales went on to become the union's president.
Morales also has had it up to here with FIFA's ban on matches above 10,200 feet. Bolivia's national stadium happens to stand at 11,800 ft above sea level. Last year, Morales led a team to victory against an Argentine squad featuring Diego Maradona.
Briefly on Maradona. Drinking, cocaine, womanizing, born-again Christian? Check. Sounds an awful lot like W to me. Except that pop-culture songs about Maradona are positive (See: "Si yo fuera Maradona" by Manu Chao. See Also: "Wishing" by Pete Rock and Edo G).
Jesse Ventura was more than just a pro-wrestler. I didn't forget about him, I was trying to think of an office that would suit his renegade behavior, and also take advantage of his skills as a Navy SEAL, as well as a phenomenal actor (See: Predator).
ReplyDeleteWell I mean he was a renegade Governor.
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure Pacman Jones would be a great leader of any Eastern European nation, specifically Russia. Anywhere where it's cool to be a drunk and punch your problems away.
ReplyDeleteSo yeah. Russia.
Barney Frank and Nancy Pelosi play a mean game of checkers.
ReplyDeleteTom Osbourne.
ReplyDeleteWon back-to-back National Championships. Now a Senator.
Al Franken would make a sweet rodeo clown.
ReplyDeleteRichard Petty took a shot at state rep in Oklahoma, I think.
ReplyDeleteWhatever. NASCAR isn't a sport, you segregation-loving hicktards.
For Frank and Pelosi, Checkers is a worthless game.
ReplyDeleteAl Franken, well just look at him.
King Richard the Lionheart would be great at underground sword battles.
ReplyDeleteAll politicians are great NASCAR drivers.
ReplyDeleteWhy?
They are great at going around in circles!!!
/rim shot
Ok, bear with me.
ReplyDeleteLeBron James. He's about as popular as anything in the world right now. 24, super-athletic, devoted father, not as sexy as me, but still considered desirable by a decent portion of America.
He also knows that people listen when he talks. He always says the right things (See: His claim that if he went to college he would've gone to Ohio State). He endorsed Barack Obama, which is something athletes, specifically NBA players, never do. Did Jordan ever say who he was voting for? Hell no. Shit, Gilbert Arenas told the Washington Post that he WASN'T voting (smooth, Gil. Tell people in the most political town in the world that you don't care about politics).
So. To recap. Knows the value of his voice, which is huge. Willing to step against the grain. Hugely popular. Finally, LeBron is the best in the world at one thing: Receiving money from people. Think about it. People fall over themselves to give him money. "LeBron, we want you to dance to Kid n' Play to help us sell auto insurance." That type of thinking doesn't exist for anyone else in the world.
So for right now, LeBron is Secretary of the Treasury. His signature's going to be on the money minted during his term, but the IRS is also under his jurisdiction. So you know people will cough up.
He will also groom himself for his ascendence to the presidency in 2020.
He's also the two guard on my greatest team ever.
To recap:
1-Kevin Johnson
2-LeBron James
3-Player to me named later
4-Grover Cleveland
5-King Xerxes
And it's time for the player to be named later. From Aubrun University, at 6'5", 350 pounds, playing small forward for my politico dream team, The Round Mound of Rebound, "Sir" Charles Barkley.
ReplyDeleteWhat would make Barkley great? Lots of things. But to put it in perspective of how successfully Barkley fits the American leadership pedigree, I will now examine several traits of Barkley and our most recent two Presidents. So without further ado, why Charles Barkley is ready for the Presidency.
From the South:
Barkley-Yes
Clinton-Yes
Bush - Sort of
Governor of Southern state:
Barkley-Has affirmed aspirations to be Governor of Alabama
Clinton-Yes
Bush - Yes
Republican:
Barkley-Yes
Clinton-No
Bush - Yes
Drinks and drives:
Barkley-Yes
Clinton-Probably (find me a southwest Arkansan adulterer that doesn't)
Bush - Yes
Marijuana:
Barkley-Yes
Clinton-Yes
Bush - Yes, but don't tell Cheney
Cares about black people:
Barkley-Yes
Clinton-Yes
Bush - No
Has been featured in The Simpsons:
Barkley-No
Clinton-Yes
Bush - No
Crowd-pleasing gimmick:
Barkley-Weighs self on national tv
Clinton-Plays saxophone on national tv
Bush - Blows shit up on national tv
Articulate on national tv?:
Barkley-Depends on your definition
Clinton-Yes
Bush - No
Has visited Alabama Governor's Mansion:
Barkley-"They don't let many black people in the governor's mansion in Alabama, unless they're cleaning." (actual quote)
Clinton-Yes
Bush - Yes
Blames things on Bill Clinton:
Barkley-"Man, everything gets blamed on the Clintons, every single thing in this world. I think Bill Clinton shot JFK, too."
Clinton-N/A
Bush - Yes
Parenting:
Barkley-On his 17-year old daughter not dating yet: "Thank goodness. I just hope she doesn't start before I go in the Hall of Fame. That way, I won't have to kill anybody before I get inducted."
Clinton-Daughter went to Harvard
Bush - Push.
On Monica Lewinsky:
Barkley-"I had to explain to my daughter why that skank Monica Lewinski has an hour special on HBO this weekend."
Clinton-"I did not have sexual relations with that woman."
Bush - "Restoring honor and integrity to the White House."
Has lived in Texas:
Barkley-Yes
Clinton-No
Bush - Yes
And finally, four more pertinent Barkley quotes:
On Enron: "Almost all those politicians took money from Enron, and there they are holding hearings. That's like O.J. Simpson getting in the Rae Carruth jury pool."
After retiring from basketball: "I'm just what America needs - another unemployed black man."
On education: "When I was recruited at Auburn [university], they took me to a strip joint. When I saw those titties on Buffy, I knew that Auburn met my academic requirements."
On Democrats: "Well, when I went off to college, the guys I used to hang with were pumping gas and voting Democrat. Today they're still pumping gas and voting Democrat. Guess the Democrats didn't do much for them."
Thank you. Good night.
/slow clap
ReplyDeleteI also believe Ronald Reagan played the Gipper.
ReplyDeleteOh shit I forgot about J.C Watts.
ReplyDeleteAnd AHHHHNALD. I guess weightlifting/bodybuilding is a sport>
ReplyDeleteohhhhh Steve Largent.
ReplyDeleteDamn we also forgot the all big ten center (Michigan) Gerald Ford.
ReplyDeleteConnie Rice really likes football, does that count?
ReplyDeleteLBJ - "evil texan" wrestler.
ReplyDeletei would guess wwe or something, as i don't imagine he'd be nimble enough for mexican wrestling, which would definitely fit his persona.
davey crockett - professional hunter. kills bears with his bare hands. if you miss the bear, you can always go hand to hand.
george stephanopoulos - professional limbo athlete.
adolph hitler - tour de france winner 1940-1944
Payton Manning- Speaker of the House
ReplyDeleteRichie Farmer. And it's not close. Because of basketball, the man traded in coal mining (a subpar outcome) to become the Minister of Agriculture in one of the nation's greatest commonwealths. Please revere his (mou)stache here.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.kyagr.com/commissioner/index.htm