Monday, January 5, 2009

Monday Morning Shit Storm

I think I'm going to run with Icehouse's little Winter sport shtick.

Everyone loves skiing. The snow, the fresh air, the scenery. It's so lovely. A lot of people get crazy over the fresh powder, wide open bowls, or the glade runs. But not me. Don't get me wrong I absolutely love all of that stuff, however, in my mind the best part of skiing is hating. That's right hating. I know many of you may view the chair lift as a time of boredom, or even awkwardness,(Need a single?)but you have to realize it is prime hating opportunity.

Think about it.

"Oh my god this guy has to turn...turn...shit man turn...oh my god...the ditch...BAIL BAIL BAIL...ouch."

Don't act like you've never done that before.

Anyway crashes are cool, but I feel like a major dick whenever I make fun of people crashing.

So what do I do instead?

Make fun of all the ridiculous outfits found on a ski hill!!!

Crashing is one thing, I've caught an edge many times in my life, sometimes it's out of your control. However, what you wear skiing is a conscious decision, which means we get to make fun of you.

It's not enough just to say hey look at that guy, no no no, we have to go to the extreme by categorizing the various personalities.

An example to get us started:

Outfit-Skier. White mock turtleneck worn under the tightest bibs possible. +1 for a sweater and turtleneck.
Ability-Intermediate-Double Black.
Drink of choice-Hot Cider.

You don't ski? Don't worry, the lodge is a great place to make fun of people.
You're worried about the 8 dollar beers? Ok, you are wearing a puffy coat...with 500 pockets...connect the dots.

Ok so let's get these names going. Shit Storm Begin.


  1. My favorite thing to do is hate snake the gapes with my snow walls of doom.

    You gotta teach those cowboy hat wearing, Texas tucking Gnarly Ass Pretty Excellent Riders the ski code.

  2. sorry I was busy this morning:

    Name-Snow bunny
    Outfit- Skier. Tight compression pants (tucked into the boots) puffy Jacket, headband and designer glasses. +1 if she has any type of fur clothing.
    Ability-easy-double black.
    Drink of Choice- Martini.

  3. Name- Keenan from Queensland
    Outfit- Ski/Snowboard, with all sorts of bumper stickers on their ride. Some sort of Australian hat, or design. +10 if Vegemite is mentioned.
    Ability- Epic in the park, always gets hurt in the trees.
    Drink of choice- Rumpleminze, Pabst Blue Ribbon.

  4. Name- Texas Tucker
    Outfit- Ski/Ski-blades w/ poles way too long; Blue jeans tucked into the ski boot; starter jacket of the 94 Dalls Cowboys; Cowboy Hat; 1980's black blues brothers style sunglasses with the head strap
    Ability- sits in the back seat with elbows on the knees and pole tips through the armpits at an 85 degree angle.
    *Warning- The Texas Tucker is known for its sporadic, wild, turbulent ski style. Usually twists at the hips making pole stabbing a serious hazard for everyone on the slopes. Watch from a far and snake when necessary.
    Drink of Choice: PBR

  5. Name- pocket rocket
    outfit- Spyder one-piece, helmet with something unique on top.
    ability- goes straight downhill in the wedge. No turns.
    drink of choice- snow, hot chocolate

  6. (younger version of pocket rocket AKA spyderman)

    Name-ADD Andy:
    Outfit: ski/snowboard. various clothing
    Ability: goes straight downhill
    Drink of Choice- juicebox, hot chocolate, mountain dew.

  7. Name-New Jersey Devil
    Outfit-Skier/snowboarder Dolce Gabana, or any various designer jacket. Spiked hair for men, crazy front flip over thing for women. Designer glasses are a must, no croakies.
    Ability-Ski school to intermediate.
    Drink of Choice: Jager bombs/various mixed drinks.

  8. *Similar to the New Jersey Devil
    Name- Frat Fag McFolly
    Outfit- Generic North Face or Columbia jacket, gay (white) oakleys, generic pants bottom of the barrel rental gear (know for being arrogant attempting runs that are incredibly past his ability often causing horrific accidents that injure other superior skiiers)
    Ability- Group Ski School to level II
    DOC- Any beer no matter the quality consumed in a shotgun-fashion

  9. ****BTW the Frat Fag probably thinks drinking and the trees are the best part of skiing

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  11. haha, I can't believe you said SNOW BUNNY. I almost got killed by a large black woman and her high heel a few months ago in the McDonald's parking lot. All because I told her I was a snow bunny.
    True story. Except... I'm not really a snow bunny. Do you know what the real meaning of that is? Haha...

  12. Well you learn something new everyday. However, I still think our definition makes sense.