Monday, January 26, 2009

Stupid Super Bowl

Here we are ladies and gentlemen; the penultimate days of the footballing season.

We've come so far, through some good times and some bad times. Some meaningless contests, and some pretty good games. Some gut-busting characters who make the sport the beauty it is, and some loathsome individuals who make sane men wish murder were legal and encouraged. But here we are, at the end. The NFC and AFC champions have been rightly crowned, yet the crown for which all strive is not yet attained; the Super Bowl.

The Super Bowl is the true test of who is the true champion of the National Football League. And the two contenders, Champions of the Gridiron, Fabled Heroes of Football Lore aaare.....


The Arizona Cardinals? Say what? You're pulling my leg. I demand you stop it. That's not even funny. That's like asking a blind kid to practice math on some flash cards. I'm mad at you for saying such an insensitive thing about an organization that has been struggling in the mire of obscurity of the better part of a century, and in two time zones!

The Steelers? What, did Rashard Mendenhall run all over the place? Did Ben Roethlisberger get traded for Jared the Subway Guy? Both provide roughly the same amount of athleticism, although it could be contended that Jared's workethic is superior, but alas, wears glasses, nullifying any and all althletic abilities. Who said these guys were any good?

What about the Cowboys? This was supposed to be the Return to Glory for America's team. All of the pieces were there; loudmouth reciever, powerful running back, high-profile gunslinger playing quarterback, and a high-profile gunslinger playing cornerback. The early season dictated it was aligned in the Dallas stars: Super Bowl or bust.

What about the up-start Titans? Didn't I hear something about an 11 and 0 start? Kerry Collins' comeback tour? That defense has been stiffling for years. And I don't know but there's something about Jeff Fisher's stache that gives me goosebumps.

What about the Patriots? Okay. Nevermind. That was awesome.

What about the Chargers, the Broncos, the Saints, the Giants? What about anybody other than the Arizona Cardinals of Glendale?

Oh but, Matt Leinart finally stepped up this year, eh? Really lived up to that Trojan potential? I mean he won the Heisman, a couple of national championships, not to mention he was drafted for the sole purpose of dragging this franchise out of the dregs of the NFL—

You have got to be kidding me. Kurt Warner? The 13th Apostle? The Return of Mr. Gollum? The Ringleader of the Formerly Greatest Show on Turf? Surely not.

And a team that despite being one of the most venerable in the history of the league remains one of the least cared about collection of players in the country, the Shittsburgh Steelers? (Did you see what I did there? I changed their name to rhyme with the profain label for feces?)

Label this game under the one for the Mundane Trivia Books. If the Cardinals should some how be lead to a victory by a really good Larry Fitzgerald who will absolutely not get any of the credit because of the Beatitude Basher Kurt Warner. Should the Steelers win, an inconcievably even fewer people will care. Oh, Troy Palomalu's hair is crazy! Like a crazy person's hair something! And that Ben Roethlisberger sure is...tall?

Basically this is a post about nothing. Just like there is a game about nothing. Neither one of these teams were the best this season. Likely, there was no best team this season. This NFL season was marred by relative and sweeping mediocrity. Just some of the teams to beat around midseason; the Jets (didn't make the playoffs), the Broncos (again, didn't make the playoffs), the Titans (lost their first playoff game), and the Giants (lost their first playoff game). Oh yeah, blazing mediocrity and the first 0-16 team in league history.

Whatever, I'm over it. I'll just listen to Icehouse now go on about the magic that is basketballing.

You know the season is down the pooper when I'm looking forward to its swift end.

Who's going to win Sunday? Pittsburgh by ten. Or Arizona by 14. And no one cared either way.


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  4. I also hate the Steelers now because of that picture.


  5. And why are we happy that the season is over? Do we have to have story lines to get excited, or can we just appreciate the game?

  6. There is so much to appreciate about the game this season. Tom Brady Blew out his ACL as soon as the season began and was replaced by second string and now franchised Matt Cassle who took the pats to an amazing 11-5. Despite this, Bastard Bradey the Douche Bag still managed to Engage to the Victoria Secret FOX Gizzel...i do understand though, you gotta lock that shit down. I'm still not sure how the Pats missed the playoffs and the SD Chargers made it in with an 8-8...i guess they call it football because all the other 4 letter words were taken, unless GRH has anything to say about it.
    Then we have all the fun of the NY Giants, loosing key players like Osi Umenora (close?), Shockey (to the Saints) and Plaxico Burress what i like to call the "Cheddar Burress Incident". Also the Giants failed to defend their SuperBowl title by losing to McNabb and his eagles in Round 2 of the Playoffs. Mcnabb would later lose to the "He's so Hot right now he could take a piece of shit, wrap it in tin foil, through some fish hooks through it and sell it to the queen of England as Earnings, Kurt Warner and his Arizona Cardinals. The Blitz-Sack prone Ben Rothlessburger was diagnosed with a concussion a few weeks back and still managed to ride his motorcycle into the Finale of the NFL season...and to top it off, sorry icehouse, Tony Romo's girl friend is fat (as of today's edition of the NY POST....God damn I love this game


  8. I'm not excited the season's over...I'm just let down that it had to end like this. It's like the Phillies winning the World Series all over again. We can only hope some Arizona/Pittsburgh butterscotch decides to climb a street light, only to be toppled by a checked vodka bottle.

  9. i can't wait for payton manning to be selected as the lead role in the upcoming film "4th and 10: Eli Mannings Quest for Perfection"

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