Friday, July 31, 2009

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!


For as much as I hate Drew Gooden (except for his brief stint in San Antonio), he gets a lot of love on GRH. I should change my opinion on him, since he's a goofball, but fuck it. Hatehatehate.

Oh yeah. It's on, now. YOYOYO FRIDAAYYYY.

So to get things started off on the right foot, here's the best 25 dunks from the 2008-2009 NBA season.

You can catch the entire top 100 here.

Andrew W.K. is a GRH favorite. Not only because of his staunch party advocacy, but because we especially like celebrity weather reports.


Here's something bizarre from Europe.

Tyson Chandler is no longer on the Hornets. Actually, now he's on our team. We're glad to have him on board.


Young Kobe Bryant + youngER Amanda Bynes. Lots of Screaming.


Our love of Ron Artest is pretty blatant. This is him recounting what happened at the "Malice at the Palace." Not crazy enough yet? Fine. He's doing it in China.


To continue the sexiness that Zack started below, here's Fanny Lu.


Yes. I'm jacked now. Let's kick some ass.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Where Would Vick End Up Based On Fansanity?

Oh my blog! Zack's not writing purely satirical musings that are so random it can't be described as hit-or-miss, but more like run over by a car-or-slip into a diabetic coma? No way! This must be something groundbreakingly interesting!

Wrong on all counts. I'm just that bored.

I'm thinking about this whole Michael Vick thing. It's one of those universal concepts that even arouses the minds of the most lackluster fans of football and sports in general. Should a player who's done something as egregious as Vick be allowed to play again? The consensus seems to be 'yes,' as far as the Trier of Men's Souls Roger Goodell would say.

But now ya gotta find a place to stick him, Sally.

Now there are obvious hurdles. Nobody couldn't use many consider to be the most electrifying player in the game. By the time you get to the professional level, you rarely see a guy you have to watch every single play because he could very likely score. That's Pop Warner stuff, like the kid who hits puberty two years before everyone else. And, Vick will likely be a monetary steal. It's a win-win in that regard.

I don't think that any team right now lacks the offensive talent to pick up Michael Vick. This is the NFL we're talking about. While many would look to the Raiders, Lions and maybe Titans as the most likely candidate due to such a dearth, I'm unconvinced it is so.

One has to consider the fans and your teams' respective fan base. Anybody who thinks that PeTA doesn't have an armed, mobile unit ready to deploy and reside in any city whose NFL team decides to take the chance on Vick is as dumb as a warm jar of mayonnaise. I can feel their anger now. Heck, there are plenty regular people who don't cover themselves in blood and urine for a living who might think that this Vick guy ought not be making millions to play football.

The team that selects Michael Vick is going to have to have a fan base on the two far ends of the Fansanity Spectrum: the most blindly devoted band of morally unconscious, drunken die hards one could ever encounter OR a population that is barely aware that a professional football team even exists in their state or region, and when they notice that their city is playing, ask questions like "Who won the match?"

Basically, my theory is that in order for Vick to be a profitable catch, the team in question is either going to have be able to weather the storm without a lot of dissent from the devoted or have a net effect of zero difference, because the fans don't show up anyway.

The comment section is open to any other theories, proffering, amendments or complaints, but these are my selections.

STRONG FANSANITY:

Dallas — There aren't a lot of state's big enough to hold two football teams. There aren't a lot of teams that can take all of the fans from that state away from the other team. There aren't a lot of teams that have been deemed "America's Team" to little or no complaint. Dallas encompasses all of these things.

This isn't necessarily homerism, although, by KSK law, Man can only have one team and must hate all others, and with the close ties between Dallas and Arkansas (proximity and alumni), the Boys are a natural fit. I don't know of other team who could look at a guy like Vick, take a swig of Shinerbock, and then tell you all the reasons that not only is this the right move for the Boys, but why Mike Vick is a stand-up guy, why you're not and why you're about to be punched in the face.

Boom. Faced.

New England — Anti-Homerism is a temptation, but I shall decline. New England fans are mad crazy. And drunk. Whether is the Sawx, the Celtics or Tawmmy and Tracy's kid playin' down by the docks in that hockey league (CHECK THE BASTAHD OR WALK HOME TIMMY! /POW! GET UP, TRACY!), these guys will get behind anything their respective skippers tell them to.

And if any skipper has consented to using seemingly nefarious tactics in order to hedge his bets, it's Bill Belichick and his Cape of Doom. Not that using Michael Vick on a team is or should be illegal, constitutes cheating or anything like that, but if there's somebody who wants to win and couldn't give a bucket full of poo and barf about what you, me, PeTA or anybody thinks about it, it's that evil, sinister, twisted man.

Despite the high level of affluent white people in New England, they'll just drink until he becomes favorable in their eyes. That's what they do with their wives, anyway.

Pittsburgh — I can't think of a more devoted fan base out of sheer boredom. What in God's name is there to do in Pittsburgh other than marvel at Wanstadt's mustache, laugh at that baseball team, and cheer for the Steelers. Mike would do well by default; not only am I convinced that their primary income is borne on the backs of animals, like in the 19th century, but I'm not entirely convinced they've ever heard of Michael Vick.

As long as he got along with Roethlisberger, it'd all be gravy. And they'd run PeTA down a mine shaft and push the "implode" button.

WEAK SAUCE FANSANITY:

Buffalo — Good for them that they're at least trying to break stereotypes. They've added some flavor over the years, with Marshawn, Lee Evans, and most recently T.O. But frankly, three teams is too much for one state, and everyone knows that part of New York barely qualifies as any semblance of an advanced civilization. It has all the familiar symptoms of Canada (shudder). No one would care if Vick slid in to the Buff. So long as he didn't ruffle any feathers at the VFW on Thursday nights, the much ballyhooed Bingo Night, he'd be safe.

Buccaneers/Dolphins — Nobody likes South Florida because nobody knows where South Florida has been. This dirty, seething, infested wang of America is way too busy trafficking drugs and venereal diseases to care about football that's not involving Dan Marino. He could come and sweat in the Landshark Stadium (Jimmy!) or that one with the boat, but quite frankly, all of those people would think it's too hot to go out to watch football. Plus, they're all Jets fans, anyway.

Houston — Remember how I was talking about Dallas usurping all worthy fansanity, leaving nothing but the lepers to cheer for the other team? Welcome to the colony. The biggest headline the Texans ever got was not selecting Reggie Bush. Sure, that turned out to be a very wise decision, but bad news travels better than good, and no one remembers that one defensive or offensive lineman (I can't remember which) being better than Reggie "Hollywood" Bush. They'll just remember how good Reggie Bush used to be, and how dumb they thought you were. Getting Michael Vick would have the weird, backward, inbred reaction that you'd expect from a Houston family reunion. It would result in utter confusion, followed by someone having sex with someone they weren't supposed to.

Basically, Houston's got a lot more problems than bringing on No. 7.

FANSANITY DEPLETED:

Baltimore/Cinncinnati — I could just see him going to either of these places because they know how to deal with folks who have been in the pokey. Make your own soap/rope jokes.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

EWWWWWWWW!!!

Caption Contest!


Rick: "Hey, can I be a storm trooper, too?"
Storm Trooper: "Do you see any tall troopers? No."

or...

Trooper: "Rick Fox, you are under arrest for showing your ass in 'OZ.'"
Rick: "But Terrence Howard did full frontal in Get Rich or Die Tryin'!"
Trooper: "The difference is, he's a good actor."

or...

Rick: "How much longer do I have to stay here?"
Trooper: "Have you ever seen Revenge of the Nerds? Well, just imagine that scene when the nerd dressed up as Vader plows the Alpha Beta's girl."
Rick: "What?! No! ELIZA!"

Rick Fox getting stuck up by some storm troopers at Comic Con '09. Have fun.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Television: Teacher, Mother, Secret Lover

TV is great.

I was going to write something else. I actually had it all lined up and everything. But then my TV attacked. Seriously, this was out of control.

First of all, the Rangers played the Tigers. Two pretty even teams kicking ass was pretty fun. This had all the funny shit deserving of a Rangers game. A Granderson lead-off home run started the wackiness. Nelson Cruz and Michael Young ended up jacking a couple dingers for the Rangers to take the lead at home, though. Three points of interest. 1) A guy caught a foul ball in his left hand while holding a baby in his right hand. Child endangerment rules. 2) The cast of "Legally Blonde: The Musical" where there. Because when there's 162 games, you're going to have to watch some stupid shit from time to time. 3) The announcer introduced Fu-Te Ni as Fu-Te "the knight that says" Ni. That was pretty funny.

Moving on.

The T.O. show. I guess somebody asked, "how can we make this guy less appealing." The answer is hire to bitchy PR folks, a flatulant sidekick, and pay the $25 it takes to put something on VH1. Fuck me this is terrible. You know the world is a horrible place when other people make Terrell Owens look grounded. Sheeeit.

And then there's Futurama. I wish I watched this show more when it was actually on. Tonight was one of the phenomenal sports-related episodes. With Bob Uecker as a guest star, Leela becomes a star of Blurnsball. In typical Futurama fashion, absolutely nothing makes sense (least of all the character of Hank Aaron XXX). The main point is the very end, which is basically the funniest home run of all time.

And now for the real inspiration for this post. Shaquille O'Neal is on WWE Raw. DIDYOUJUSTREADTHATSHIT?! Yeah. It's fucking great. Jerry Lawler just said, "Boomshakalaka." A couple of things I learned tonight. First, The Big Show still sucks. However, he's teamed with Chris Jericho, who is still the funniest character. Second, there are a LOT of Chris Cooley jerseys in the crowd in D.C. Third, that one dude from the Real World a couple years back, that called himself "The Miz" is now a wrestler. He comes out with a faux-hawk, talks shit to the Wizards fans in the house, and then yells, "I'M AWESOME." Gotta admit. That's pretty funny.

So anyways, love your TV. Give it a kiss.

Monday Morning S--t Storm


Filling in for Lattimer, I understand; less is more. So rather than attempt that loftiest of feats and try to mimic or match his natural verbal grace, I'll just put it out there and depend on you, the eager mind, to fill the void.

But a little background is necessary.

Last night, I started watching this thing on the Discovery Channel called 'Cronkite Remembers.' In what appeared to be just another old man rambling about the way things used to be in vain senility, it turned out to be him talking about all the events that made him famous, most interestingly the Nuremberg Trials, least interestingly this argument he and his daughter got into.

By the time I stopped wanting to watch, it was about two in the morning.

But it got me thinking. And subsequently, this shit storm will be as thus:

Greatest Sporting Acheivement of the 20th century.

That's 1900 (Remember Army vs. Navy?!) to 2000 (Remember Jr. High?!). Have at it, flunkies.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!


Judging by this photo, Kansas is working Todd Reesing a little too hard this preseason.

Yeeeeeeuh. Breakin bones and hearts this weekend. Let's get it on.

Charles Barkley's Shut up and Jam was the best. Ninja Gaiden was ok.


Fuck this. I'm moving to Japan to be a technical advisor for this show.


The Final Countdown makes anything awesome. Not that it was needed to make this trailer more awesome. Extra points every time there's someone with their arms up.


Remember the fake trailers during the Grindhouse movies? Well, the best one got greenlit for real.


Today's Big Thing on the internet is an American Psycho tribute video for a cover of "This Must Be The Place." Loves it.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

CFB Preview


#9 THEgay Ohio State University

Initial Reaction: This hurts me more than it hurts you.

Offense: Other than C Mike Brewster (1st team Frosh AA) WR Dane Sanzenbacher, and the RB tandem Of Saine and Herron you have to think it's going to be the Terelle Pryor show.

Defense: 7 returning starters. 3 out of the 4 D-lineman return. The most notable however are LB Ross Homan and the solid safety duo of Kurt Coleman and Anderson Russell.

Special Teams: Probably helped to make this "rap" video.

Ok take the hate glasses off for a while. The vest is 83-19 at Tosu and has led the Buckeyes to top ten finishes in the past four season, and on paper 09 should be number 5. Looking at the schedule they have 5 key games in my opinion. Tosu will receive their ritual slaughter to a superior team when USC comes to town followed by a tough Illinios squad two weeks later. Finally they face a three week stretch in November where they travel to Happy Valley, get Iowa at home, and continue the pwnage of noob Rich Rod and Michigan.

It's safe to assume that the the Penn State game on the 14th will be the de-facto Big Ten (11) championship game. It's probably also safe to assume that they'll get outclassed by USC. I said earlier that it would be a ritual slaughter, which it could easily turn into, but since it's in Columbus I don't think it will be anywhere near the types of embarrassments they received in the past couple years.

Iowa and Illinois will be tough games, but I think Tressell will have the team ready. Now the Penn State game is obviously the big one, and I just think Penn State has more weapons to go to offensively, and the defense should be fairly good this year. The game is also in Beaver Stadium so I just don't think the Buckeyes win it. Most likely scenario, two losses and a chance to back into a BCS bowl, but crazier things have happened.

There are two X-factors in this season. The first is that it reminds me of an emerging year for the Buckeyes. What I mean by that is there is a good chance for younger guys on the team to become big time players. (Think Troy Smith, Laurinaitis) Tosu traditionally recruits very well so some young buck may start off the year on the 2 deep and end up being the next guy touted by Herbstreit as the next big thing.

The other X factor is Terell Pryor. Yes, he's as good as they say he is. It's also interesting to watch him, to me he makes it look so easy. He doesn't have the insane moves like Vick, the pocket poise of Bradford, or the effortless glides of Vince. He's just Pryor, he makes plays. The Penn State game from last year is a good example. Nobody could run that day, and PSU sent the dogs after him, Pryor made some plays with his feet, and nearly pulled out the win...as a freshman. Bottom line is that he's the type of guy who will pull shit out of his ass that COULD help Tosu to put together big wins. (USC/PSU) And I think you know what that means.
/collective groan.

Braves' Skipper Bobby Cox Suspended Two Games After Slaying 47, Injuring 112 During On-Field Rant

MINNEAPOLIS — Summoning all of his powers of senility, the wily and curmudgeonly violent Atlanta Braves Coach Bobby Cox killed 47 people, injuring 112 more during an on-field rant over a blown call at the plate while visiting the Twins. The victims were players, fans, coaches, umpires, ball boys and beer vendors alike.

"Chipper (Jones) was clearly safe," said Cox from beneath a muzzle, fastened sturdily to the walls of the solitary confinement ward of a maximum security mental facility. "We've gotta maintain some credibility out here."

"I mean, what, are we going to have to replay every play at the plate?" said Jones, advocating for his seemingly-mentally unstable skipper. "Coach went out to defend his player. Can't fault him for that."

The league has fined Cox $1,500 for being ejected and has suspended him for the remainder of the away trip to Minnesota. Federal agencies are at a loss to press charges against Cox, as instant replay is not allowed to review plays at the plate, and they "really can't tell if he was safe or out. Coulda gone either way."

Cox currently holds the record for most ejections in major league history (145), fatalities (81), injuries levied (388), and kidnapping (4). Ted Turner, owner of the Atlanta Braves says he relishes those statistics.

"That's just Bobby doing his thing," Turner said, kissing his 14-year-old World Series ring. "And I wouldn't have it any other way."

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Caption Contest!


The second and third whitest Arizona players of all time. First being Chase Budinger.

or...

"We are two wild and crazy guys!"

or...

Luke: "Man, I'm glad to finally have a chance to rest after playing until the middle of june."
Richard: "What teams keep playing past April?"

Richard Jefferson and Luke Walton in the hizouse. Do 'em dirty.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Mike Vick Lands On Pet Beagle's Head After Freak Accident Seconds After Release From House Arrest

HAMPTON, Va. — Mere seconds after his release, former NFL quarterback Mike Vick is back in the "dog house" after walking out of his home, tripping on a stray pebble, and landing on a passerby's beloved pet beagle, Barkley, killing the animal nearly instantly.

"Dang it," said Vick, according to a police report.

Jogging enthusiast Shauna Robertson, owner of Barkley, said that she knew the former superstar was trouble the minute he walked out.

"He had this crazy look about him! He was saying something about 'Free at last,' and Oh! He killed Barkley," cried Robertson, who intends to press charges.

"'Free to KILL AGAIN at last is more like it," sobbed Robertson.

Attorneys for Vick say that Barkley was the victim of a happenstance, and that gravity and the pebble are the culprits.

No word on what Roger Goodell thinks of this latest fold in the Michael-Vick-being-crazy-and-killing-animals-like-a-psycho(TM) saga.

Monday, July 20, 2009

GRH On Location: Mexico v. Haiti

They should have sent a poet. They sent Icehouse instead.

GRH On Location. Quarterfinals, Concacaf Gold Cup.

From my office, I have watched this damn thing be built. I’ve been dreaming about it for more than a year now. Opportunities have existed to go to it. Tours have been available. George Strait performed there. Heck, the Jonas Brothers have been in this stadium already. But like the Jonas Brothers, I wanted my first time to mean something. Something real.

Then comes the Concacaf Gold Cup. Two quarterfinals games to be played in Cowboys Stadium. I’m not going to lie here, the Gold Cup isn’t the best footy in the world. Any players that are on European club sides are nowhere to be found. What you end up with are bunch of dudes that are playing for both a bigger rep and national pride; two things that make for a slugfest.

That all pales in comparison to one fact: Cowboys Stadium is mankind’s greatest edifice. It is a palatial playground of kings. It is an offering to God, with a caveat. It says, ‘you may be the creator of all things natural, but THIS IS OURS.’

Going to soccer games, like every sporting event, are great communal activities, where you can join with your neighbors and scream your guts out. I don’t think I need to remind our readers that soccer isn’t the biggest sport in the United States. The MLS is a fledgling underleague, and Team USA, despite recent success, only drew around 30,000 to the Lincoln Financial Field in Philadelphia for their Saturday night victory. Mexico, on the other hand, loves them some fĂștbol. They always come out en masse. Check the tape of any recent Mexico v. USA game. Off the top of my head, games in Chicago, San Diego, Salt Lake and Houston all featured heavily Mexican fanbases. I would like to take this opportunity to point out that it is fucking pathetic when one nation’s fans show up more than the home nations. FIX YO FANDOM, AMERICA!

Having said that, the game on Sunday was in Texas, which was founded by Mexico, and was a veritable Mexican home game. HOLYSHIT. You like sports, motherfucker? Do you? Because you have to love the shit out of sport to go to Los Tri soccer game. This was my first international cap of any kind, though I did have the good fortune of falling in with the Deportivo Cruz Azul crowd back when the Icehouse was Casahielo and hung his hat down south.

Anyways, these cats love their country, and they love this sport. They were all abouts it. There were 82,252 in attendance for this event. That’s right. I said it. They came to rock, too. From my rough estimation, there were:
• 65.63% - Los Tri gear
• 34.35% - various Professional Mexican gear
• 00.02% - Cowboys gear (it’s a home game. Y’heard?)
• 1 pink polo, worn by Trae, my accomplice


One of the best parts about this crowd is that they love ‘The Wave.’ I love ‘the wave.’ It’s probably my favorite fan gathering phenomenon. They love it more than I do, possibly. There were people in my section that were actually cheering in anticipation of the ripple effect of standing and screaming arriving. Imagine a slow crescendo of “hey…hey…hey…Hey. Hey. Hey. HEYHEYHEY WOOOOOO!” It was fucking great.

As for the game itself, it was pretty great. The first goal came off of a rebound from a botched stutter-step of a PK.
video
Miguel Sabah charged and flushed.

The second goal came from one of Mexico’s youngsters. Giovani dos Santos turned with his left foot and drained one in the upper 90. It was fabulous. Sabah scored again with a flying header off of a corner in the second half. But then, in the 82nd minute, substitute Pablo Barrera blasted a one-timer off his right hoof into Haiti’s net for a righteous goal that sent me and the drunks around me into quite the tizzy.

At the 75th minute, I began to see paper airplanes rain down out of the upper deck. Then more. Then a whole lot more. Then more than paper airplanes than I thought were possible. This was also around the time that Trae bought a delicious cheese steak. The food and drink at Cowboys Stadium, while expensive yet on par with virtually every other pro arena, were righteous.

Leaving the stadium, there were carts selling wares that were more indicative of Mexico than Arlington, which just added to the flavor. Getting out was easy enough, but there seemed to be a large amount of people that seemed to be congregating at or near the underside of bridges. Trae referred to them as the ‘bridge and tunnel crowd.’ I guffawed heartily.

All in all, pretty successful. I loved every second of it. The next step is getting Stovall down here for the Texas A&M v. Arkansas game.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

As many of you know, I like to categorize people. I like saying ahhh yes, you are this person, and I will lump you in with these types of people. Wrong? Perhaps. Entertaining? Hell and yes.

As a result, I'm always trying to expand my list (my current project is the various types of Beer rep girls seen at a beer distributor). But I enjoy some Hobber Help.

Soooo for the shit storm: We're going to categorize people met/seen at sporting events.

My first selection:

The Beer Snob.


Let me tell you a story. A young strapping lad is awakened by a friend telling him that he will be competing in a golf scramble (best ball....score). In the ensuing chaos of trying to get a team together, the young lad is charged with procuring the foursome with malted beverages for the day.

Now if you've never been into a beer mart, I'll give you some help. Typically there is going to be two sections: high class and domestic. Once in the domestic section, you have three aisle areas: specialty, middle class, and low grade. The young man had a little over $20 to work with. So, do you grab a 12 pack of some nice stuff? A cube of domestic? Or roll the dice and grab 2 cubes of the Natty?

Hmmmm, it is hot outside.....we will be going to a BBQ after this.....Yes, 60 beers for a little over 24 dollars is a good thing.

The foursome rejoiced.

And do you know who that man was?

Mitch Comstein, he was a good guy.

But honestly, I'm tired of getting accosted for enjoying a domestic beer. "I can't believe you guys are drinking those." Really? Because I'm pretty sure this is why stuff like Natty was created. It's so watered down that you can pound 12 of them in 90 degree heat and still function. Hell, that stuff is like Gatorade.

Problem is this guy and gal usually surface at sporting events. If you're with some pros, a whole row can get served from one beer man stop. But no, not the beer snob. He's going to wait until microbrew guy comes around and drop $12.50 on a 12 ounce cup just so he can sniff that hoppy aroma. What's worse is the guy has to bring his cute little 6 pack of pale ale to a tailgate. Let's think about what this means. The beer you provided. The beer you bought for everyone. The FREE BEER TO BE ENJOYED BY THE MASSES is not good enough for this guy. No, he is going to use your cooler and wait for his "porter stout from a small little microbrewery in upstate NY" to chill and silently mock you as you sip off the foam of your silver bullet.

I get it, there is a reason that beer costs so much money. It is significantly better than domestics, but never....ever mock the domestics.

Ok, so for those of you who didn't read any of that, for the shit storm give us the types of people you meet at sporting events.

Begin.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!


Toine's in jail. Can't shoot his way out of this slump. However, it did offer an interesting look into his mentality. A cold streak only made him try harder.

Yes. Too many funbags have been late of late. This one is HERE. RIGHTFUCKINGNOW.

So let's go!

Creepy kids have nothing to do with Easter Candy, but that doesn't stop the rock.


Here we have the world's fastest. At everything. Prepare to feel really, really slow.


Freerunning. It's like a sport, except with no competition.


I know people are still shaken up over Michael Jackson dying, but I really expect better out of Shaq.


Lil' Penny and Gheorghe Muresan. This was back when Sportscenter meant something.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

It's All Fun and Games Until Somebody Loses An Eye

CFB Preview-The 10 spot

I'm going to start off the year with what I like to call "The puberty edition." Think back to when you were 12 or 13. Ever have a girl or boy who you always thought was kinda cute, except there was something wrong about them? Then remember not seeing that same boy/girl over summer then they walk into class just smokin? Maybe they grew boobs, maybe the braces came off, new wardrobe, balls dropping? I do to, which is why I can relate to the two teams coming in our 10 spot. Yes, Oklahoma State (Hereby know as the T. Boone Pickens) and Ole Miss are finally getting noticed by their classmates. And now the media is putting them in their spank bank, running home to get under the covers and lock their bedroom door.

I don't know if I agree wholeheartedly with the hype, but we shall preview them anyway.

First up Oklahoma State.


Excuse to youtube Barry Sanders.

Offense: The Boone Pickens return 7 starters on a super high octane offense led by point man Zac Robinson. Rounding out the trinity is RB Kendall Hunter who ran for over 1500 yards 16 TD's and WR Dez Bryant who may be the first WR taken off the board in the 2010 draft. OSU also has 3 starters returning on the O-line, all of which are Seniors.

Defense: OSU's defense has never been anything to go crazy about. (26.9 ppg) However, new DC Bill Young will get to work with one of the Best LB trios in the Big 12 with Lavine, Lemon and Sexton, all seniors. Overall they return 6 starters but they are all upperclassmen, minus So. FS Johnny Thomas.

Special Teams:Hate.

OSU reminds me of Texas Tech last year. Insane offense in the conference of insane offense, coupled with a defense that simply needs to get the job done. But why the puberty edition? Well OSU has been stuck in Big 12 mediocrity with a giant "who the hell wants to go to Stillwater" mole right on the side of their face. However, OSU got that mole removed in the form of T.Boone Pickens building an insane expansion to their west endzone. Which gives T. Boone and OSU to take their giant straw and suck up the giant Texas milkshake. But that's still several years away. I really don't know what to think of OSU this year. One thing that I think will help them is the fact that their offense is very balanced. Shit Robinson ran for 700 yards last year and Bryant is the best all around receiver in the country. And shit, the defense is not that bad.

Looking at the schedule, they have three huge games. They start the season off with UGA coming to town. The rest of the non-conference schedule sets up in their favor. However, The two huge games come in the form of UT traveling to Stillwater on All Hallows' Eve and the Bedlam game in Norman on Nov. 28th. And I think this is the thing that gets me about OSU. Under the Gundy regime, the Boone Pickens have done extremely well in winning the games they need to win, but they stumble any time they need to pull the big upset. I don't know on paper I guess they COULD beat UT, and the OU game is historically nuts, which is why I guess they call it Bedlam. I just...for lack of a better term, it's just that OSU lacks the flavor to pull these games off. And you know what it sucks. I like watching them, and they have a great team this year, in fact if they were in the Big 12 North we'd be talking about Conference championships. Either way the media seems to love them, so we'll hear a lot about them this season.

Ole Miss

Little do you know that the majority of this video was taken during the actual game.

Offense: UT transfer Jevan Sneed is the focal point of the Ole Miss offense which return 8 starters. Houston Nutt used a RB by commitee last year and will probably continue this year with Sr's Cordera Esson and RB/WR Dexter McClusterfuck. The O-Line lost the E-mancrush Michael Oher, but return three starters including big John Jerry at RT.

Defense: Defensively the rebels return 8 starters including soon to be NFL DE Marcus Tillman. The rest of the defenders are all upperclassmen including returning tackle leader FS Kendrick Lewis.

Special Teams: Most Likely a 5th year senior thinking of lines to throw at unsuspecting, naive freshman.

Hey Hobbers do you want a top ten CFB team? You do? Well just follow the Ole Miss steps to success.
1. Have a University in a recruiting hotbed with little to zero in state competition.
2. Suck.
3. Hire a crazy recruton' Cajun.
4. Fire him.
5. Hire program manager.

But seriously if Ole Miss does anything this year they need to send a fat royalty check to Eddy O. I can't figure it out. For ALL THESE YEARS Ole Miss was sitting on a recruiting goldmine and they needed Eli to contend for a SEC title? Talk about an awkward stage. Anyway here's the thing. Ole Miss has a decent offense, one of the better QB's in the nation. (I always thought he was better than Colt) and a nasty defense. So basically Alabama, minus the QB. Which is funny, because that will probably be the game that makes or breaks their season.

To be honest I have no idea what to think of Ole Miss. On one hand they have good players thanks to big O, and they did beat the warrior monk. But shit, they are Ole Miss and they lost to the likes of Wake Forest and South Carolina. I don't know, it is a nice schedule. Non-conference is full of cupcakes and they have most of the tough teams at home including Tennessee, Alabama and LSU. They play at Auburn on All Hallows Eve, but Auburn is currently in an identity crisis.

But really what is there to say?Houston Nutt is going to do his thing, he's going to run the ball, play some D, and throw in some singlewing wildcat wild rebel. Snead is good, but I don't know if he's carry a team through the SEC good. And the defense is solid, but are they 2008 USC solid? But here's the crazy thing. Let's say Ole Miss gets one loss and somehow makes it into the SEC championship. And let's say they pull some Nutt juice on Florida. One loss SEC team. Mythical National Championship contenders????? HAHAHA no that won't happen, I just did that to get a rise out of Deafmute and his tie wearing cronies. I'll say this, crazy shit happens in the SEC, it's what they do, but I think the big thing against Ole Miss is the fact that everyone knows they are coming, and they'll be ready for them.

Finally a side note. I don't think either of these teams deserve number 10. Ole Miss is probably in the 6-8 range, and the Boone Pickens somewhere in the 12-15 range. They just happened to fit my puberty thing.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

I Bet This Conversation Would Have More Flavor If An Encyclopedia Salesman Interjected Politely

Local Mississippi Athletes Woefully Unprepared For Actual Season Due to Favre Workouts

HATTIESBURG — Parents, booster clubs and athletic organizations have "had it up to here with that Brett Favre guy," according to reports saying that high school and DII-college athletes are woefully unprepared for their upcoming seasons due to the hours put in running the retired-QB's work out routine.

"I mean, we're trying to get these guys ready for STATE," said Oak Grove High School Football Coach Lou Tubbs. "They're out there fiddle-fartin' around with Favre. Just lolly-gaggin' and fiddle-fartin'."

"Hell, we'll be lucky to take district, let alone STATE."

Some of the athletes are admitting some of their frustration at Favre's demands to not only learn pro-style routes, but also maintain pro-style speeds and strengths, and subjecting themselves to pro-style punishments for lack of hustle.

"I can barely tie my shoes let alone learn two systems of offense," said WR Will Hoofman, who also doubles as the team's noseguard, displaying his cleats completely surrounded with layers of duct tape he says he puts on daily to secure his footwear.

"He tried to fine me $400,000 for missing practice. I've never seen $400,000 in person," said sophomore WR Danny Koehler.

"My fingers hurt," said RB Jeremy Collins, who was recruited by Farve to attend mandatory workouts along with receivers to give Favre that "wildkitty thing all them teams are doin'."

"He knows no kid in their right mind is going to turn down Brett Favre to work out," said Collins. "I just wish he wouldn't come hang out with us at the bowling alley on Friday nights. He graduated junior high with my dad."

Caption Contest!


Jason Kidd: Hey, Steve! Can I go sit down? I don't like the way Thierry is looking at me.

or...

Steve Nash: Dang, Thierry. Just because French chicks don't shower doesn't mean you shouldn't either.

or...

A terryifying glimpse inside Mike D'Antoni's imagination.

So Jason Kidd, Steve Nash and Thierry Henry are playing soccer in a New York City playground. My captions are lame. Do better.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

The Home Run Derby Champ Is Nearly As Wide As He Is Tall. Nothing Wrong With That.

All-Star Break

Well it's that time of year in the MLB season. Yes the time where some veterans show up and go through the motions, and others soak in every second because it may be the only time they will be introduced as an All Star. Personally I think the MLB version is the best out of them all. It's probably a combination of the fact that it's in the middle of the season, you have a home run derby, and July may be the slowest month in American sports.

Last night was the home run derby, which is still one of my favorite novelties and pro sports. It was also special to me because it was in the STL and it's always fun to watch taters in a stadium you've sat in. Prince Fielder ended up winning in the end, showing surprisingly great stamina for a guy who is a vegetarian. Fielder didn't put up an insane number like Hamilton or Abreu, but his total of 23 will go overlooked.

Chris Berman has pushed me to the breaking point. When I was younger he was only slightly annoying with his back back back schtick, and his name/nickname/name deal was never funny and it never will be. Later he was just too over the top. "That ball is on it's way to Latrobe!!!" Way to look at google maps jackass. But last night it was all about Boomer. I don't know what happened, at least when he was over the top the coverage actually focused on the derby. Last night it was just sick. Nelson Cruz hit some effing shots in the first round. One of which landed above Big Mac land, and personally it was the longest I've seen in that stadium. But while Cruz is on a tear, Berman is just bumbling on. It was the first time I actually muted an event and put on my headphones.

As a Cardinals fan El Hombre is awesome even when he loses. In fact he was perfect. He didn't hurt himself, or change his swing and he lasted long enough to keep the fans happy. Well done Albert.

Before I get on the rambling I'll talk very briefly about the actual game tonight. I still don't understand why MLB needs to "make these count." I could go on about how stupid it is to let an all star game decide home field advantage, but Hobbers are smarter than that. I actually think since the game matters it takes away from the entertainment. Imagine this. First inning, and Ichiro gets on base. Yadi, the best defensive catcher in the league is behind the plate. Jeter is up to bat with no outs. Normally you don't steal in this situation, but Ichiro decides he's going to go for it. Badass. Yes? it would only be better if Crawford led off, but you get my point. I think watching Lincecum pitch to Mauer in the first is good enough for me. I really don't need things to "matter."

Now on to a typical Lattimer rant. Icehouse made an interesting observation last night. We have a home run derby in STL and we only get two mentions of McGwire. Naturally this has to do with steroids, and more recently the righteous indignation of certain ass hats that think they are the moral compass for all fans. Hey Plaschke I think more people can't stand you over Manny because you are trying to tell them how the hell they should act. People don't want to hear it, but steroids saved baseball. Oh yes I cheered during the race of 98 and guys like Plaschke soaked it all in. And you know what? I loved it. I loved Mark and Sammy, and I still do because as a fan that summer may be one of the best. I still remember everyone having a 62 markdown calender in their house and calling to notify that Sammy was coming up to bat. Sure we want everyone to be the best. We cheer them when knock balls out of the park, and we curse TV's when they hit into a double play. So what now when they take something to hit it out of the park? Boo? What about all the "greats" who popped greenies all these years. Should I start hating every player from the 1950's on? And better yet, who exactly did these drugs hurt? As opposed to Stallworth's car?

I'll ask some questions. Who has ever used something to enhance their performance? Who has used some ADD drug to nail that research paper? Who intentionally held in football? Fake a foul in basketball? Would you take a drug to make you one of the best in your industry, especially if it meant millions of dollars? And just for you Plaschke. Tweek that quote just a bit to make that Sunday column really hit home?

I don't know the answers, and I really don't care. Not my business. All I'm saying is that in American sports we ask literally everyone who participates to be the best they can be. To win. Yet we're supposed to hate them when they don't do it the right way?

Trust me, I see all sides of this. I get the "play by the rules", I get the "what about the kids" and I really get the "what about the guy who played by the rules." However, I don't get some guy telling me, the fan, the guy who shells out hundreds of dollars each year to watch/support my team, telling me how to act. Guess what. When Mike Vick comes back I'm going to cheer my ass off, I like Mike, and that's my right. MLB, get over yourself, celebrate the past right or wrong.

Monday, July 13, 2009

There Are Days When I Don't Even Bother Putting On Pants...Then There's This Guy

GRH on Assignment With the Beer Cart Girls

Well as you can tell GRH is getting pretty big round these parts, and as a result we are starting to get more professional. You know things like grammar, punctuation, style, censored profanity, you get the idea.

Well one of the other things we are doing is going on assignment, to get down to the truth, the nitty gritty details. Which is why GRH sent me to....

THE 2009 U.S WOMEN'S OPEN!!!!!!!!

I'm sure you all were following at home, so you'll appreciate my inside information.

-The 2009 open was held at Saucon Valley Country Club in the beautiful Lehigh Valley.

-SVCC is an old club built by Steel executives. which means it's in a relatively secluded area, and Saucon Creek runs through it which contains PRIME trout water. This angers me.

-Elitist parking is better than normal people parking.

-Elitist tickets are better than normal people tickets.

-I would have pictures but cellphones and cameras are strictly forbidden.

-You can sneak anything you want in there.
Volunteer: "You guys don't have cellphones or cameras?"

Lattimer: "No"

Volunteer: "Ok have fun."

-It always cracks me up that people who go to golf events dress up exactly like they are going golfing."Yeah got my footjoy's on here, you know I don't want to slip when I'm standing in the porta-potty stables. I also decided to wear my Slazenger performance polo, you know because the gussets under the arm allows me the freedom I need when I sip my beer. I also have the same hat as Tiger." That being said, I kicked it RC style.


-Johhny Miller was riding in a golf cart up the 15th couple of people noticed him. I can't stand Johnny Miller. This was my chance. 2 beers in, I had to take it.

Lattimer: "Johnny you're the Brent Musberger of golf."

Johnny: "Thanks"

Lattimer:"Not a compliment"

/Runs off

-Whoever does the turf management for these events needs to get a raise.

-It goes without saying but these women are infinitely better than you or I can ever hope to be. Observe.
(15th tee box)
Lattimer: "Hey what are they hitting with here."

Volunteer lady: "Uhhh most of them are hitting low irons and hybrids, but every once and a while they'll get the driver and go after the green."

Lattimer: (looking at an elevated green with only one area to miss and not be up the creek) "No way"

/5'5 girl with an Arkansas Razorback cover pulls out the boom boom stick and proceeds to just pound one in the previously mentioned safe area.

Lattimer: "Don't even say it."

-Volunteer people are pretty cool, most of them will chat it up with you and give you inside information. However every once and a while you get one who is just waaaaaay to into their job. Hey Mr. Volunteer on the 9th tee, It's not the end of the world if that 7 year old leans on the ropes.

-Laura Davies is pretty cool, but you really have to watch her drive. She basically takes her driver and just smacks the ground. She then places her ball on the ledge of the divot she just made, and just pounds it.

-It goes without saying, but the pin locations are insane.

-The LPGA is quickly becoming dominated by players and media from South Korea. I don't know who those reporters are from the Asian TV network, but they need a raise for humping around all that gear.

-We had a pretty nice location for the afternoon. We could see the 15th, the drive off of the 16th and the players had to walk right under us in order to get to the scorers tent. This is important because the look on Paula Creamer's face was priceless when she looked up to thank her adoring fans only to realize it was a bunch of middle aged men.

-Roger Maltbie deserves a raise for all the crap he has to lug around. He will also respond to the name "Dodge Rodge."

-All in all golf tournaments are pretty cool. You basically just get to walk around and do whatever the hell you want.

-The winner was Eun Hee Ji.

-Oh you want a shit storm? Just put down some underrated sporting event.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!


Greg Oden likes fruity drinks. He also really likes the statues.

Woot. Friday. I'm ready to kick ass.

First and foremost, we have a 1977 dunk contest. I wish that I had a video of me dunking set to some sweet music like the Iceman does.


A mash-up singalong inspired by "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia." You know it has to be good.


This has be the most intense anti-dandruff commercial of all time. It makes me wish I had dandruff, so I could buy this product.


If you have to be in a commercial for a strip club, make the most of it.


I wish that I could be in the room every time someone talks to Roger Goodell about Martellus Bennett.


MGMT was featured in just about every single ski movie last year, for better or worse. This trailer is in the 'for better' file.


Ok. Finally. Medeival Times tonight. Yes.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Brent Musberger previews GRH CFB Preview




Brent: Wellllllllllll welcome back GRH football fans, we're here in Hobbsville getting set for the annual GRH College Football Preview.

Now.

If you haven't been following GRH for a while now...well...boy....let me tell you what. (egotistical laughter) You have been missing out.

Now.

Last summer the writers for GRH gave us a great, and I mean GREAT, preview for the 2008 football season. And let me tell you what, THESE are no amateurs. Whadya think Herbie?



Kirk: Thanks Brent. I think last year GRH provided a solid preview for the football season because they provided accurate information on the teams and players. The key here for the 2009 season is that they will need to continue with the accurate information, and progress with the accuracy.

But you know what else Brent? This is what I really like about GRH. They take the stance that the team with the HIGHEST SCORE at the end of the game will win. And you know what, they can improve on that and continue with their success.

Brent: Right you are there partner. But you have to wonder here if GRH will overvalue teams here.

Now.

I know they did a good job, but you have to wonder if the mistakes of Clemson, WV, and Ohio State will resurface this year. I mean olllllllllllllllle Lattimer is good, but you have to wonder here if he will give too much credit to teams like Penn State, Cal, Notre Dame, Those pesky Rebels from Ollllllllllllllllllllle Miss, and of course Jim Tressel's Buckkkkkkkkkeyes from THE Ohio State University.

Kirk: That's a good point Brent. As you can see, Lattimer was simply not accurate on that information. I think if he was accurate he would have done a better job.

Brent: Right you are there Herbie.

Now.

Our own Erin Andrews has talked to the GRH staff following their first year performance. Take it away Erin.


Erin: Thanks Brent. I talked to GRH writer Icehouse and in regards to last years performance he said. "Well you know you go out there and you give 110 percent. You want to write good. You hope you write good. And...I think we wrote pretty good last year."

Brent: Our Friend Erin Andrews.

Now.

That olllllllllllllle Lattimer said he was going to do not only an ACC preview, but a Big Ten (11) as well. (Passive aggressive laughter) I don't know about the viewers, but I DID NOT see those. You have to wonder here what the problem was. Let's take it down to my friend Chris Spielman.



Chris: You know I was watching Lattimer and the intensity is there but he just didn't finish. BREAK IT DOWN AND WRAP IT UP YOUNG MAN. GOTTA GED YOUR HEAD IN THERE AND POST. Come on now, you learn that in pop warner.

Kirk: That's a good point Chris, and I'm not sure Lattimer can.....



Lee: Up bupp bupp bupp bupp NOT SO FAST MY FRIEND. Let me tell you somethin. GRH has Stovall who can bring the funny. Don Delaware is anchoring the lines. And a newcomer Old Booker Pogue, who was connection ineligible last year. Watch this guy when he writes wshh wshh wshh (Corso pencil bolt). He's got some moves. Watch out now.

Brent: Well thanks Lee, and stay tuned for the GRH 2009 CFB preview.

Tragedy Strike St. Louis Days Prior to All-Star Game

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Speaking of Things I Wish I Could Be Doing

Caption Contest!


Stern: "Excuse me, I speak jive."

or...

And just like that, David Stern made more black friends than Kobe Bryant.

or...

Stern: "You know, it's tasteful. I mean T-Pain's is just gaudy, but this one? This one I like. You've really outdone yourself. I can't wait to go to the luncheon and see the envy in everyone else's eyes."

Pretty funny picture. It should be worth some serious gold. Can't wait to see what you guys come up with.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Manning Family Feats of Strength

Andy Roddick Realizes Vast Majority of Career Ambitions for Naught, Considering Internships

LONDON — While considering his latest defeat at the hands of tennis great Roger Federer at Wimbledon, tennis great player Andy Roddick realized that all of his lifelong career ambitions regarding professional tennis will likely go unachieved, pending a catastrophic debilitating blow to the Swede, and is considering other options beyond the court.

"There's a marketing internship at Bloomingdale's I think I can get in on," said Roddick. "Or maybe I could be a lawyer. Or a doctor."

"It just kind of sucks that I happen to be playing in these years. I could have ruled a decade or so on either side of what's his name," Roddick said.

Roddick later admitted sheepishly that he indeed knows the name of his opponent.

While many think that settling for second or sixth in the world ought to be just dandy, Roddick said that's not an option.

"Clearly, I'm not good at my job. With my luck, if I did my very best to be second, some other guy would come along and be hailed as 'The Second Best Play In Tennis History' and I'd just look like an idiot," shrugged Roddick.

Speaking of Rafael Nadal, the long-trousered Spaniard is said to be recovering quickly from his knee injury.

Monday, July 6, 2009

2009 All-Star Game in St. Louis: Where Drunken Tony LaRussa Happens... and Happens Often

Monday Morning S--t Storm

Big sports weekend. Williams sisters, an epic Men's final, Tiger, some good baseball, and of course Steve McNair.

All of the gushing aside, McNair was everything one looks for in a QB.

But on a more positive note, when I was watching the Men's final I thought how cool it would be to just stand there and try to return a serve from one of these guys. I would fail. Miserably. But it would be cool nonetheless.

So for the Shit Storm, we want to hear what sports related thing you would like to do.
Dunk on Kobe? go for it.
Play a round at Augusta? Have at it.
Step in vs. the non-juiced "Rocket"? Great.
Step in vs. the roided "Rocket"? Even better.

you get the idea. The only thing that isn't fair game is team X winning the Y championship. So the Cubs winning the series is out of play because that will never happen.

My pick?


Running out at Notre Dame.

I don't know why because I hate ND, but something tells me it would be awesome. Doesn't matter if I was a coach, player, equipment manager, waterboy, or priest. I just want to do it.

Ok Hobbers let's hear all your hopes and dreams GRH style.

Begin.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!


I've been waiting for a while to use this picture. Not kidding.

Independence Day weekend is one of the absolute best weekends of the entire year. It's wonderful. Sun, fun, booze, food, and of course, shit blowing up.

Speaking of shit blowing up.


Keyboard Cat + Isiah Thomas + Isiah's cameo on Fresh Prince + the NBA's ad soundtrack is amazing.


Michael Jackson died. Walruses are hilarious.


This is just nasty.


More Kobe love. Ron Artest is on his team now, also. Shiiiiit.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Zach Randolph's HELLACRUNK To-do List


Zach Randolph's coming to Memphis has elicited a range of responses. Icehouse's was similar to Stephon Marbury, when Z-Bo was traded to the Knicks. Icehouse took to the streets screaming, "WE GOT ZACH RANDOLPH, Y'ALL!" Booker Pogue, on the other hand, began boarding up his windows. Either way, moving can be a hassle, and we ran across Zach's to-do list upon moving to Bluff City. Without further ado, we give you....
Z-BO'S HELLACRUNK TO-DO LIST

-Open Tops BBQ franchise.

-Update shipping/delivery address w/ Wall Street Journal, Forbes, & Cat Fancy.

-Find owner of meanest dog in area, challenge him to a duel.

-Airboat race against Gucci Mane, 8Ball, MJG, and Computer from the boat ramp at Mud Island to the riverboat casinos at Tunica. Yo Gotti is referee.

-Rob liquor store, throw party with proceeds/booty.

-Dig moat around new house in Southwind; fill moat with saltwater crocodiles and leopards purchased from bankrupt australian zoo.

-Ride bicycle dressed in tank top and flip flops with socks.

-Stand on bank of Mississippi, shout at Arkansas

-Purchase pyramid, rename CRNKAMID.

-Run for mayor

-Set OJ Mayo's house on fire.

-Purchase Rosetta Stone tapes, learn Spanish, tell Marc Gasol that he will be shot for every instance that he shoots with Zach on the floor.

-Shop at Kroger on Poplar and Cleveland.

-Eat the Sasquatch Burger.

-Look up who has the vanity plate "ZBOCRNK," kill him.

-Shop at flea market.

-a) Determine name of current coach (assuming there is one)

b) Shoot a rap video at said coach's place of residence

c) Start fire in garage of residence

d) Flee scene, deny deny deny

-Solemnly visit Civil Rights Museum, steal hubcaps off Booker Pogue’s car parked directly across the street. Offer to sell back to Booker Pogue. Act offended at rejection of said offer, claim racism.

-Eat at Pirtles; Start fire in bathroom; Flee scene; Deny, deny, deny.

-Get plastered at Wet Willies, drive home.

-Call a cab, steal said cab.

-Compete in Saturday morning's "Memphis Wrestling."

-Develop craving for ribs, slaughter own pig.

-Stand on street corner for an inordinate amount of time.

-Open a barber shop, dry cleaners, strip club, coin laundry, auto-repair shop. Begin to launder money.

-Visit graceland, improve hubcap collection tenfold, move into Graceland.

-Attend service at Al Green's church.

-Burn tires.

-Host a town-hall forum discussion on living a CRNK lifestyle: "Healthy Living, the CRNK Way, featuring Zachary Randolph"

-Liberate Desoto, Mississippi.

-Shoot skeet off the Peabody roof.

-Run trout line spanning entire Mississippi river.

-Get internship with accounting department of Piggly Wiggly.

-Challenge AC Wharton to a game of scrabble; game suspended following disagreement over "use of fake words".

-Make 1,000 airbrushed shirts.

-Steal Joey Dorsey's bitch.

-Drive to Missouri, buy souvenir on state line, drive home.

-About a half gram of coke on the 3rd floor of 152 aka Club Shadows.

-Shoot airballs.

-Buy above-ground pool and slip n' slide.

-Emcee a charity event headlined by Trick Daddy; $5 cover w/ free hotwings after the show.

-Force Memphis City Schools to ban headbands on school grounds, "FO STEALIN' MY GRIND.”

-Punch Steven Seagal in the mouth, let hoops family deal with the consequences.

-Turn Rudy Gay gay.

-Release howler monkeys from Memphis City Zoo.

Pittsburgh Pirates Trade 8 of 9 Starters for Gold Bond, Ankle Weights, and Bottle of Robitussin

PITTSBURGH — With the NL Central Pittsburgh Pirates pulling up the rear in the division for the past decade, the Pirates' front office has decided to shake up the entire organization to optimize their returns on investments by trading all of their regular starters for various items, such as a pound of Gold Bond medicated foot powder, ankle weights to increase endurance, and other sundry items.

"I can't complain," said Skipper John Russell. "I'm not unconvinced that the guys we're paying bird nuts can't do any better than the guys we're actually paying. It's a cost-benefit thing."

Russell then left to make sure he was one of the first in line for the Gold Bond, saying "that stuff goes fast."

The only player to remain is right fielder Brandon Moss, who is currently making only $411,500, and also happened to walk into the boardroom where these negotiations were taking place.

"I was in the right-field place at the right-field time," joked Moss, who now has to supply the entire stadium with RingPop concessions, which was to be one of the other to-be-traded items before Moss wandered in.

Asked which teams received the aforementioned octet of displaced players, James Benedict, special assistant to the General Manager, pointed at a nearby Walgreen's, where former players Matt Capps and Adam LaRoche were seen in aprons, stocking the shelves of the 4th-of-July-holiday decor and womens' hygiene sections respectively.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Caption Contest!


"Nobody ever says 'goose' on me. I'm always 'duck.'"

or...

Johan can't wait for the end of story time.

or...

"ANTS! ANTS IN MY PANTS!"

These were pretty weak. Whoever can beat these and make it to Austin, the booze is on me.