Friday, September 12, 2008

TGORH Football Activity Guide

A football activity is simply any social event, in which the main focus of the event is a football game. This could be in a bar, house, frat house, or it could be your stereotypical tailgate.
(I was once invited to a "tailgate" for the Rams 2002 Superbowl. Obviously in the middle of winter I put on my long johns and brought my Carhart coveralls. The "tailgate" was actually indoors. I sweat my ass off, the Rams lost, and I no longer watch any game of significance with a group exceeding five.)

I now call it a football activity.

This guide is not necessarily a guide how to host a successful football activity, you wont find any cheesy recipes, or crazy cocktails. Rather, this is the cast of characters present during any football activity. Why am I such of an expert on this subject? Simple, I have a blogspot account.

WTF guy- WTF guy is any football fan who has a significant interest in the game. This could include someone who is a rabid football fan who simply wants to study how USC runs their under front. It could also be someone who has a large amount of money placed on a specific game. These guys are called WTF guys because they typically huddle around the TV accosting anyone who would dare disturb their football viewing experience. Their battle cry when someone walks in front of the TV: What the fuck are you doing...leave. Now. WTF guys also have a sense of football elitism and tend to talk down to others. WTF guys seem like assholes, which they are, but they do have some redeeming qualities. WTF guys can give you an accurate account of the game, they can give you the spread for every game that day, and they can typically provide a PhD. analysis of a certain team.

Things to say to WTF guy-What coverage were they in?
Hey what's the spread, who should I take in tomorrows game?

Things not to say to WTF guy- Who's playing?
That play was awesome.

Why so much on WTF guy?
My name is Steven Lattimer, and I'm a WTF guy.

Harry/Harriet Hometowner *subspecies of WTF guy- Harry Hometowner is pretty much what you'd expect. They are any fan who has a blind devotion to his/her team. They are a subspecies of WTF guy because if Harry's team is playing he has the same concerns and fears of WTF guy. As a result, the two species can typically co-exist peacefully. Problems arise when two rival Harrys are present, specifically if their teams are playing each other. If this is the case they may ruin the football activity with their obscenities, insults, and overall jackassery.

Captain obvious. Captain obvious is any football who's football IQ is equivalent of my 5 year old cousin. The Captain means well, but his outcries of "run the ball," "we have to block," and "Awesome play" typically upset the WTF crowd.
-An actual conversation I had with a Captain:
Ok so the quarterback gets under center, snaps it, runs left, FAKES the hand-off, ROLLS RIGHT, and finds a wide open receiver in the endzone!!!!!!!!!!

So your telling me he ran a bootleg.

Mike Martz- *Mike Martz is an extreme case of Captain obvious- Mike, much like the Captain, knows nothing about football. The problem results because Mike Martz, well thinks he's Mike Martz. Mike will announce to the world his knowledge of the game using broad generalizations and ESPN driven talking points. Most of Mike's knowledge comes from the latest Madden/NCAA video games.
Actual things heard from Mike:
"Tampa 2 is the biggest bullshit defense ever"
"I would run a spread pistol wing-t hybrid if I was coach"
"I would lock up and play press man all day long"
"You can't stop the run in a 4-3"
Mike naturally annoys everyone at the activity.

Joe/Jane- Joe and Jane are fan favorites. They know enough about football and betting to chat it up with the WTF crowd, but their also courteous enough to politely smile and nod to Mike's ramblings. Joe and Jane will bounce around from person to person making small talk and assuming their niche in the football activity jungle. If their was an MVP of a football viewing activity it would be Joe and Jane.

Amy appetizer- If Joe and Jane are the MVP's then Amy is the unsung hero. Amy typically isn't a big football fan and initially nobody knows why she's present. "What in the hell is Amy doing he....wait are those pigs in a blanket."
Why yes they are and they taste delicious.
Amy's dips, finger foods, tasty cupcakes, and overall culinary genius benefits the entire activity.
(-Note there is a Billy BBQ offshoot, Billy has the same characteristics as Amy except he provides various meats cooked over an open flame)

Tammy Tomboy-Tammy is typically a girl who is a huge sports buff and she wants everyone to know it. When Tammy comes to a football activity she will typically list the entire roster of her favorite team and provide you with a complete pre-game analysis. I'm not really sure if Tammy is sincere in her love of sports, or whether she just wants to be one of the guys. Regardless, Tammy is typically harmless and provides captain obvious, and Mike Martz someone to talk to. Tammy, don't try so hard.
(-Note I've met one Tammy who could hold her own with the WTF crowd and she really deserves her own category)

I think these people are the most prevalent at football activities. Obviously there are others such indifferent Ike, negative Nick/Nancy, or Drunk Dave/Danielle, but these are rare. If I missed any, or if you notice a new species throughout the year feel free to update us in the comment section.


  1. I would like to add a spin to Harry/Harriet Hometowner and his name is Joe Homer. Joe Homer believes that although his team finished 2-9 last year, THIS IS THE YEAR WE WIN CONFERENCE! Joe Homer chimes in any off-season conversation with "well you know, we just signed a couple of kids that were highly under-rated, just wait and see". Or during the 1st year of a coaching change, Joe blames the previous coach for the dissapointing season "Wait until the new coach gets his recruits in there, you'll see" Joe also believes that his band of scrubs can defeat any team. any time, any where. A personal experience with this is the 24 point spread in the Arkansas TX game. A Joe Homer in Fayetteville ranted that his beloved hogs would beat the longhorns. He backed it up by taking a STRAIGHT bet for $50. What an idiot....

  2. Excellent point, I should have addressed that

  3. my name is Devin Murray, and I am a WTF guy.

  4. Should there be a Fantasy Franco? 1) Because your names are distinctively anglo, and 2) Because there's always someone who doesn't give a fuck about anybody on any team, period, except for those that he drafted. These guys(/girls) also generally only drafted players based on what some magazine said, and the only sportswriter they know is Bill Simmons. I firmly believe these guys are out to ruin sports, because they only care about their own reputation, and could care less about actual teams.

    Personally, I'm somewhere in between a Harry Hometown and Joe Homer. It's the noblest of professions, but I'm also realistic (I have no faith in the Longhorns this year).

  5. Icehouse, good points. 1. As you know I'm Scotch/German so I naturally lean towards the Anglo-Saxon tradition. 2. Yes, another fine example of someone seen at a football activity, although I feel at some point everyone turns into a Fantasy Franco. I think the Fantasy Franco become destructive when his/her fantasy team gets in the way of others' football viewing experience.

  6. Holy shit I forgot "Freddy/Frannie Fairweather." Freddy typically doesn't care about "his/her" team until there is some game of importance. Freddy doesn't follow the team, or know anything about football. However, Freddy will use his state/allegiance to either seem significant during an important game, or hook up with a fellow fan.

    I.e. "Wait your a Texas way I'M a Texas fan too."