Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry. September is nearly through, October is nigh, and I’ve yet to publish anything since the Liveblog over two weeks ago and my last article dealt with the first week of college football. For this apparent lack of hustle, zeal, and commitment, I do apologize. Jobs that pay take precedent, but it should not be at the expense of this fine organization.
That being said, I am out of the loop and topic-less.
So to prepare myself for commenting upon Slim Pickens’ Wide, Wide World of Sports, I decided a broad overview of the happenings and goings-on during my absence seems appropriate. I know you’ve been waiting with bated breath to here my thoughts on some of these interesting matters.
So USC is the real deal this year? That’s amazing considering the rebuilding that Pete “Sunshine” Carroll had to pull off this spring. They’re big, they’re fast, and they play in a powder puff division. Mark “Viva la Vida” Sanchez is doing well, and –for now- USC looks like a lock for a national championship. Now to pick whether a no-loss Big 12 Champ or a one-loss SEC champ will challenge the Trojans, of course barring any unforeseen slip up by USC from Stanford, Oregon State, or UCLA, but when’s the last time that happened?
Not to rub it in Buckeye Nation, but you guys are terrible. Not even the awkwardly muscled neck of James “WWE Raw” Laurinaitis can spare the Ohio State from certain doom this season. I never thought a guy named Beanie would have so much impact in a game that doesn’t require drinking a lot, but apparently so. Maybe Pryor will not be a bust. Maybe Pryor will be a bust. Maybe Tressel’s sweater vests stifle his creative nature. Who cares?
Joe Homering here, but the SEC is doing all right by me. It’s pretty much been business as usual; save for the lack of fireworks from the Conference elite and that bizzaro-world score at the Auburn-Miss. State game, 3-2. I thought the Jerry Jonestown Massacre was getting ready to feed me a soccer story when I heard the score. But tons of props go to Big 12 QB’s, except for Colt McCoy, mainly because his name is Colt.
To counter that Joe Homer move, let me call up Arkansas’ latest humorous goings-on. They may have successfully delayed the inevitable thrashing at the hands of the Texas Longhorns by summoning Hurricane Ike to wail on the coast of the Lone Star State. Now they will play Alabama in the highly criticized Weasel Bowl, starring Dolphin-defector Nicky “The Power of Christ Compels You” Saban and Bobby “I Got Vicked!” Petrino. Look for Arkansas’ deuce to be effectively slammed, especially further along the road as former Hog skipper Houston Dale Nutt leads Ole Miss to an eight win season. That’s about all he’s good for, but that’s about all Arkansas could ever want about now.
Kudos to the Liveblogging. While the past couple of weekends have been rather jammed for me, going back and reviewing the professional discourse from our staff and our readers makes for great insight to the games. Plus, I’m glad Joey gets to participate. Congrats to the Daly’s, by the way.
Dallas should go to the Super Bowl, and anything less is a failure. No, this isn’t merely a Jerry Jones less-than-philosophical rant, this is the God’s-honest-truth. Even their bench is stacked. Both of their first-rounders have done well. Mike Jenkins had a ridiculous across-the-field swat Monday night that saved a burnt Kenny Hamlin from certain disgrace not to mention an Eagle touchdown, and I don’t need to say anything about how awesome Felix Jones is and will continue to be. And Philadelphia was no slouch; they nearly beat the Cowpokes and looked really good, despite Donovan “Clumbsy” McNabb’s botched handoffs and missing their top two receivers.
The NFL should be called Quarterback Blood Alley. Alex Smith, Tom Brady, Brody Croyle, Matt Hasselbeck, Jeff Garcia, Vince Young, do I have to go on? The crop that’s left in the League doesn’t offer much refuge either. Peyton is king now, Eli is the Champ, and Farve is the old man complaining about his prostate being the size of a grapefruit. And to say that I am disappointed in JaMarcus Russell’s less-than-mediocre performances is being generous. From being the first-overall draft pick in 2007, making circus throws of 60+ yards from his knees, to looking like an Alzheimer’s victim in cleats, Lane Kiffin now has to suck on the DMac teat for his job’s sake.
Speaking of injured QB’s, what about Vince Young? Is it possible at all that this guy is as emo as popular media is purporting? I find it unlikely that the Longhorn-Champion-Trojan-Slayer is “hurting inside (thanks, Mom!)” so badly that Kerry “Psycho” Collins will be the defacto-starting QB for the year for the Titans. I wish VY step up with some flavor; you know he’s got plenty of it.
Major League Baseball
Coming into the home stretch, and baseball is keeping it interesting in the NL Central. The NL east may coerce some Joe Homers to enjoy the race, but the Mets are perennially in second place to the Yankees, and I haven’t watched the Phillies since John Kruk could run the bases without the aid of an inhaler or an I.V.
The Cubs may be adding insult to injury at the centennial celebration of their World Series victory. They are without a doubt the best team in baseball and, with this final lap of the season, are proving they have been all year. But the question is, as always, not if but when will they choke? Some speculate the teams record-pace will fizzle in the playoffs, while others are predicting that another force-of-God type event will have to derail the Cubbies. My money’s on the Act of God theory; if God would have wanted the Cubs to win, He would’ve done it last century.
The NL Wild Card is confined within the Central division as well. The ‘Stros historically play wacky September baseball, and have the best record in the majors since the All-Star break. Milwaukee is back to their old form, taking a gargantuan keg-dive from atop the Wild Card race and letting their neck break their fall (not bragging or anything but LIKE I SAID THEY WOULD WEEKS AGO). If the Phillies do their part and suck terribly, the Cards have an outside straight draw at the playoffs, depending on Houston’s performance. The last time St. Louis made the playoffs under those kinds of circumstances, they won it all in 2006.
Derek Jeter is now the record holder for most hits in Yankee Stadium. In other news, I am the new record holder for most pantloads of crap given for not actually caring about such a wacky stat (67 dockers, 43 blue jeans, and 11 corduroy pants).
In a stat that actually has some relevance to baseball, Cliff Lee has pitched historically well this season. Lee is from my hometown of Benton, AR and still lives here, primarily hunting and dipping Skoal in the off-season. Since he’s from my hometown, I know him; he’s my cousin’s girlfriend’s sister’s friend’s old boyfriend’s nephew’s old teammate, which means me and him are pretty much best friends. He says ‘hey’ to the GRH-nation.
• I saw Les Miserables last weekend and loved it. There are only three brief lines of spoken dialogue throughout, and I highly recommend seeing it. For real. No, I’m not kidding, there’s no punch line. It’s awesome.
• If the stage isn’t for you, go see Burn After Reading. It’s a Coen Bros. flick, so it at least deserves a shot, and I thought it was hilarious. I would describe it as The Big Lebowski with a necktie, and no pot. If someone can transcribe the last three minutes of the movie and quote it for me, I’d love them forever.
• Sarah “La Renard” Palin is all over every station all of the time. Celebrities like Diddy and Lindsay Lohan are perpetuating the stereotype that celebrities trying to speak intelligently about anything politically or culturally relevant are wildly hilarious. It’s really kind of funny how everyone is bashing her, the GOP Vice-presidential candidate, for many of the same things Obama, a Presidential candidate, can be accused of, and I am being unbiased towards both sides. Quick- who am I describing: a young, charismatic, well-spoken, somewhat un-repugnant looking, historically significant, extremist-within-their-own-party, and altogether inexperienced candidate for a place in the Executive branch. The answer? Both. I could go on and on about politics (after all, it is the only sport that could involve nukes- think about it), but that’s for another article and another website.
• Michael Phelps can’t act worth the Keim-Hart spit jar of 2003. But then again, that’s setting the bar pretty high.
• Icehouse and I have been thinking of GRH-Video ideas for the future. It’d be pretty easy to post them on YouTube and feature them on GRH. Some of the ideas we’ve had are No Country for Black Quarterbacks starring Vince “Hell yes, I am ready for Hollywood” Young, and another idea was me doing something involving gymnastics. Please comment for any and all of your suggestions. It’s the wave of the future kids.
• Finally, a hearty welcome to Don Delaware. I cheered loudly in a movie theater when I heard you were now our official gambling aficionado. The flavor-o-meter is now off the charts.
Posted by Zack Stovall at 4:42 PM