Local Man Crapping His Pants About Upcoming Company Golf Outing

TUSCON — Tim Spellman, a new associate at Brandt Leland, is absolutely crapping his pants about the upcoming annual golf outing with fellow associates and his boss, Greg Leland.

"Apparently, everyone's doing it. They came up and asked me if I wanted in, since they needed someone else to fill in the foursome anyway," said a visibly shaken Spellman. "Man, I suck at golf."

Aside from practicing for three to four hours after work for the past three weeks, Spellman has also been walking around the office, miming a golf swing, and grimacing audibly in pain.

Rumors have been funneling out of Leland's office since last Thursday that the golf outing is just a ruse.

"I mean, we're all going golfing, but no. No, we're sending him to a whole other course. He is a spaz," said Leland, while laughing at Spellman's personnel file.

The Science of Selling Yourself Short.

They say that madness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Duke basketball has consistently recruited the most over-hyped Caucasians in the world that "play basketball the right way" (read: do whatever the hell the coach says). They're fundamentally sound, athletically acceptable, but nowhere near what they should be. The amateur basketball landscape has changed drastically in recent years, with more and more teams shelling out for one-and-done stars and surrounding them with phenomenal athletes.

How has Duke faired in this climate? In a word, poorly, and that's being polite. Several disappointing finishes in the tournament have created an air that the days of Cameron hegemony have passed. Some people lament this. Not me. I personally like athletic basketball, and hate seeing people like J.J. Reddick succeed at anything.

So here we are, at a crossroads of sorts. One would assume that the most celebrated coach in the current hoops world (and rightly so) would be able to read the changing climate and adapt accordingly.

Enter Ryan "Pooptooth" Kelly. What a shitbag this guy is, huh? He's the most heralded recruit that Duke has coming in this year, and man is he a snoozer. He's like a less athletic Josh McRoberts. He's fundamentally sound, I guess, but he is nowhere near an elite player. Fuck him. We're talking about one of the most storied programs in all of hoops, and this is who they're proud of? It is baffling. It's downright absurd. Why don't they go after some stud that can jump out of the gym but can't shoot? Why not go after a player with an entourage and tattoos? I get that K is a system coach, but he had to have learned during the Olympics that sometimes you have to go against your better instincts and bring in some folks with a little bit of street in them. A loose cannon here and there. Trust me, you'll be able to make them learn whatever you want them to.

How does K not remember the way Tyrus Thomas made Reddick look retarded? His big recruit a couple years ago, Paulus, is now going to play football for Syracuse! SHIT! What the fuck is wrong with these assholes? Have some goddamn respect for yourselves!

Monday Morning S--t Storm

Well, U.S.A had a chance to win it's first FIFA trophy yesterday. They lost. If you happened to miss the game, I would suggest looking at our open thread. Our own Allen Houston and Icehouse hold it down for the majority of the thread. You'll see Houston's excellent analysis, Icehouse's love of "Landycakes" and my loss of innocence when I find out Billy Mays had died. I only saw half of the game, and while we have made great strides in the sport, it shows you that we simply cant keep up with elite teams when they go in video game mode.

It doesn't really piss me off. Our best athletes grow up playing football, basketball, and baseball. I've had this conversation with Icehouse several times, it's always fun to imagine other athletes growing up kicking a ball around and the subsequent greatness that would ensue.

So for the shit storm, pick an American athlete that you would like to see on the National team. We will need Names, position, and what they actually bring to the team. Also for this storm we are going to go ahead and assume that these athletes have been playing soccer from a young age etc.

My first selection is Mike Vick.


I kinda see him as an attacking midfielder. He would obviously bring speed, footwork, insane moves, and average passing.

Ok go all out on this one.

Confederations Cup Open Thread

Shit, Jesus is on their side? This is gonna be tricky.

The two most badass countries in the Western Hemisphere square off now in South Africa. It's one of the rare times where America is a true underdog. Brazil invented sexy football. I'm always excited to watch Dempsey, Onyewu, Howard, and the Beas. Heck, I'll even say I want Landycakes to have a good game. Unfortunately, they go up against Kaká, who makes me hold my breath every time the rock's at his feet. Plus his friends, and they're pretty good, too. That and they've got a nation full of oversexed gangsters and the hottest chicks in the world backing them up.

Ordem e Progreso v. E Pluribus Unum.

You should be watching. Drop a comment into the comments section, tell us what you think.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Jake Peavy says it's a Jager night. Sounds about right.

So after a brief hiatus, the fun bag is back! Woo!

Without further ado, let's get to the fun. First and foremost. Via Brian, we have Chuck Norris fighting Bruce Lee, while a Kitten looks on.


As if that wasn't righteous enough, here's some fun with cars gone wrong.


The first thing I ever youtubed was the video for All the Things She Said by T.a.T.u. It was the only thing I wanted to see. Since embedding that video has been disabled, we get the techno remix. It's pretty good.


San Jose Sharks fans are pathetic. San Jose Sharks fans that cry? Now that's keyboard cat worthy.


Cleveland's biggest resident recently challenged this guy, B. Manley, to H.O.R.S.E. for $1,000. It's on now.


Yes. Let's all go get heat stroke, y'all.

Coaches Brown, Carroll, and Meyer Flock Emergency Room at Mention of Ross/Richard Offspring

AUSTIN — In what many are calling a completely sane and well-thought out move by some of college football's best and brightest, Texas coach Mac Brown, USC coach Pete Carroll and Florida coach Urban Meyer are patiently waiting outside an emergency room believed to be occupied by former UT athletic standouts Aaron Ross and Sonia Richards' newborn infant.

"I think we're at a place in our organization where we're ready to sign him," said Carroll. "Whatever his name ends up being, that is."

Brown said that he trusted the couples Longhorn roots would bring the coveted prospect back home to Austin.

"Fact of the matter is, he's a game changer. We'd sure love to have him in that beautiful burnt orange," said Brown. "Game. Changer."

Meyer said that he thought Florida could host the talented recruit, given the family's medical history with Gator QB Tim Tebow, who has already offered to circumcise the five-star athlete.

"It's crazy to think how good this kid will be, not only on the field, due to his parents, but off the field, due to Timmy being the first person he'll ever see and get a high five from," said Meyer.

Ross and Richards — who both have received a bevy of accolades for their own athletic achievements — say they feel blessed to have such a talented offspring, and look forward to a graceful ascent toward the upper echelon of first tier athletics.

"It's great. I'm so proud of all he's accomplished," said Ross.

Illinois Coach Ron Zook was spotted waiting outside the emergency room with NCAA banned-lollipops and other delicious and distracting paraphernalia.

Natural Links

(Closest thing I could find to a soccer "card")

WCF Courier- I'm sure you've heard about Coach Thomas at this point. Sad news, for a community that's just getting over last summer's tornadoes.

The Sporting Blog- U-S-A!!!!!!!! Hells yes, we beat the bastards in City Hall Madrid. I think this is the best recap I could find. Oh and Brazil, I don't know if you've ever seen the Rocky series, Major league II, or the Miracle on Ice but.....THE USA ALWAYS WINS IN SEQUELS, SO TAKE YOUR JAMBA JUICE, TURN THAT SONBITCH SIDEWAYS AND STICK IT STRAIGHT UP YOUR CANDY ASSES.

The Big Lead- I'm sorry that last link was so stereotypically American of me. If you want to read hyperbole coupled with the use of Malia and Natasha Obama to justify a notion that Soccer is more popular in America than baseball. Then by all means, read this f ing gem.

Losers with socks- A (most likely fake) funny facebook/recruiting blunder.

ESPN- HOLY SHIT SHAQ AND BRON!!!!! This news only has one response. Shaq Diesel rap videos. (video autoplays because ESPN is stupid)

Free Darko- The NBA draft is tonight, and to be honest there is too much good stuff on the front page of Free Darko to pick one. But here is their mock draft in all of it's confusing picture glory.

Barkley's Mouth- Things overheard at the NBA draft. Good form, Barkley's mouth, good form.

Quick Hit- Aaaaaaaand here is your obligitory NBA draft drinking game. Stay safe Hobbers.

Your Natural of the week goes to Oguchi Onyewu and Tim Howard. Onyewu for having Matrix like defensive skills. Howard for 1. Being awesome 2. Not being Kasey Keller.

Something Good Might've Happen for the U.S. In Soccer, Or Not, No One Knows

SPRINGFIELD — Sources have yet to confirm or deny that something good for the United States soccer team might have happened today.

No one has confirmed that they were in fact watching an alleged game between the USA and Spain, who could be ranked as high as No. 1 in the world or as low as somewhere below Brazil, who most thought was No. 1.

"I dunno, I had ESPN on in the background and they said something about us winning a game?" said local man Russ Applegarth. "I think I had heard we were pretty good this year. Right?"

Fireworks stands across the country are currently gearing up for Independence Day festivities next weekend, however some say they are ready to make a second order before the holiday if patriotic sentiments flare up over a possible victory in the sport.

"I mean, if it happened, and people get fired up about it, sure, we'll sell a couple of firecrackers early," said Earl Meadows, owner of a local fireworks stand. "If not, I should be good through the Fourth."

In other soccer related news, scientists have unearthed that American football may have been a tangent of rugby, which is in no way related to soccer, according to those same scholars.

Caption Contest!

"This reality show is bullshit."

or...

"Hey Sam, do they have these blue, yellow and red lines on a real NFL field? I wouldn't know."

or...

"Run faster! Mr. Jones is gaining on us!"

Memphis Grizzlies call Ricky Rubio, breathe heavily, and hang up

MEMPHIS, Tenn. — Seeking Barcelona's prized NBA recruit, but not wanting to sound too desperate, the front office of the Memphis Grizzlies called Ricky Rubio of Spain's personal number to initiate a courtship with the young star, but quickly hung up the phone after being unable to stammer out anything intelligible.

"I mean, I just freakin' froze guys!" said a somewhat giddy GM Chris Wallace. "He answered the phone and I completely blanked!"

The Grizzlies management, which has been having draft day meetings and slumber parties since the playoffs began, believe that Rubio might be the answer to all of their collective prayers.

"He looks JUST like Adrian Brody! Sometimes Zac Efron," said head coach Lionel Hollins. "Only he got a silver in the Olympics and averages 3.3 rebotes per match!"

"Our back up plan was Stephen Curry, but he's a total wannabe and will do whatever Ricky does," said Wallace, while listening to Millennium from the Backstreet Boys.

"Hasheem Thabeet was really sweet when he called to tell us that he won't be coming to Memphis to work out for us, due to his sore shoulder. Maybe there's something there if we end up on the rebound," said Hollins, and then giggled to other management heads about the basketball pun.

Wallace said the biggest concern was whether or not he wanted to subject himself to heartache from another spaniard again, citing the infamous break-up for the Grizzlies and Pau Gasol, which ended in a closed door meeting in which Pau said he'd found someone else and Wallace threw a trapper keeper at Gasol's head.

CFB sleepers

Every year since I was a young lad I bought the Phil Steele college football magazine. Why? Well it has the most information and Steele does the best job of predicting the outcome of the season. My favorite section is the sleeper section, where Steele predicts, well teams that are sleepers.

To put this into perspective Steele's #1 surprise team in 2002 was THE (gay) Ohio State Buckeyes, who eventually went on to win the MNC (mythical national championship) that year. In 2003 he had LSU, and USC. Finally, much to my disgust he placed Auburn on his surprise team list in 2004. My point is that Phil has a long history of being smarter than the rest of us.

What is the method to Phil's madness. Well, he looks at the number of returning starters, specifically on the defense and the offensive line.

Every year I think he's crazy, but every year he comes through. Which is kind of scary.

This years sleeper list:
1. PSU
2. Rutgers
3. Cal
4. Notre Dame
5. Illinois
6. Pitt
7. UGA
8. The U
9. USF
10. Georgia Tech (flexbone!!!)
11. NC State
12. UCLA

I'd like to look at #1, #4, and #10 (for shits and giggles)

Penn State:
PSU is an odd pick for Steele mainly because they only have two returning starters on the O-line in Stefen Wishniewski (So) who will be moving from guard to center and Sr LT Dennis Landolt. Defensively Penn State is always good, even when they're bad. This year they lose both DE's and will have to replace their entire defensive backfield. However, Sean Lee and Navarro Bowman will arise from the underground bunker where Penn State genetically engineers all of their LB's.

But even with all of this Phil is big on PSU, so much so that he has them #5 preseason. Why? Phil is banking on p---play----playmakers at Penn State? This can't be right? Well yeah, PSU has the best backfield combo in the Big 10 (11) with Daryll Clark at QB and Evan Royster at RB. Now going on this logic alone doesn't make sense. Let's look at the schedule shall we.
/looks at schedule
Ahhhhhhh now it's all clear. Penn State has four, yes FOUR away games this year with the first one not coming until the first week in October. Furthermore, they get Big 10 (11) thorns in the side Iowa and tOSU in Happy Valley. (which is a wonderful place). Non-Conference wise their biggest test is...uhhhh....Temple? Akron? Maybe Syracuse?

Yeah, so this all makes sense for Old State. They aren't loaded enough to go undefeated but one loss is very likely. Shit it may even not come to tOSU, some team like Illinois, MSU, or Iowa could bite them in the ass. But still I wouldn't call them a sleeper, more like we are a good team with a great schedule, hand us our Rose Bowl invite and we will get pounded by a USC team who for some reason also has one loss.
And you guys think Joe Pa is a fool. For shame.

Notre Dame:
Gahhhhhh, why do these assholes have to be a sleeper, and why did you have to put them at #7. Thanks Phil, now the entire Catholic side of my family talking about MNC's and Knute Rockne. Fine, lets look at them. First the O-line. This actually falls into Steele's logic because they return everyone on the O-line minus LT Paul duncan (SR) who actually has 12 starts under his belt. Nice. Experienced O-line. Great. Defensively they have 5 starters back, but also add an intangible with John Tenuta (TENUTA BLITZ!!!!!!!) as the DC. Other than that they have Armando Allen back at RB. Michael Floyd and Golden Tate at WR and the Emu who dared to be QB Jimmy Clausen.


Two reasons why ND may make some noise this year. 1. Schedule 2. Charlie's boys. Schedule first. Everyone is raggin on ND's schedule, but it's actually not THAT bad. Michigan will be better this year, and I think MSU is overlooked. Later in the year they play BC, at Pitt, at Stanford (season finale) and a UConn team that improves every year. Obviously they'll get destroyed when they get their anual Pete Carrol lesson in competing on October 17th. In short, it's not the grinder schedule that ND is used to, but it's not a joke either.
Charlie's boys may be the big intangible here. This year will be the first time Charlie's recruits will be uperclassmen. Furthermore, a lot of these guys have legitimate playing experience as freshman and sophs. i.e Golden boy QB. I think this is the big reason people are so high on ND.

If they go through the season with the one loss you could probably treat them as the equivalent of the Big East champion which means they'll either play an ACC equal or get shit on by some Big 12, SEC runner up. Personally I think they lose 2-3 and play in something like the Gator Bowl. Why? I just don't think they're that good.

Georgia Tech:
I'm going to dive into a little football theory here. GT obviously runs the Flexbone, which is a triple option based offense consisting of Inside Veer, Midline, Rocket Sweep, Zone Dive, Counter Option and Option pass at its core. The only other teams running this offense are Army/Navy and a little with Air Force.

What's my point? This offense is contrarian. One explanation for GT's success last year is that the triple option is hard enough to stop in the first place and most teams only get one week to prepare for an offense that they play once a year. CFB is dominated by the Spread (whatever the hell that means these days) and singleback pro schemes. Shit even the "I" is radical in the current scene. My main point is that it can help a team like GT (who isn't getting blue chippers every year) to run an offense that is radically different than other teams. Soooooo some people will argue that teams will adjust to the new offense, which is true. However Johnson probably ran 35% of what he is actually capable of running. You should see the Voodoo magic he ran at Georgia Southern. To sum it up we have 2nd year in an effective offense, and now Johnson is recruiting players that fit his scheme.

Monday Morning S--t storm

Well, the U.S open is still going on, and it's being led by a guy with a railroad conductors hat. Go figure.

Ohhhhhh and now that we're talking golf. Johnny Miller is the Brent Musberger of golf. Has been for a long time. Honestly after tiger buried it in the bunker yesterday ole Johnny pipes up "welp yeah didn't want to do that" No shit asshole. Then there's this little gem. "I don't even know what he's thinking?" Hey Johhny guess what, nobody knows you self righteous jackass. Oh and evidently anytime someone screws up it's "those open nerves" instead of you know, just hitting a bad shop.

seriously if Brent Musberger and Johhny Miller ever team up the world will collapse in itself.

Oh you wanted a real shit storm? fine, Best father son sports combo.

My pick:

The Mannings.

Begin.

Natural Links

(yes this is the equivalent of a Tiger rookie card)

Sports By Brooks: The Chicago Tribune has a nice little piece on some sleazeball who wants to launch a recruiting website for middle school football players. This is a great idea, I always evaluate players when half of their competition has not reached puberty yet. You'd have to be the biggest dumbass in wide world of parenting. Worst part is now I have to put up with Johhny five five because his parents paid $70 to get three fucking stars next to his name. FML.

Awful Announcing: In case you haven't heard Joe Buck has a new show. In other news, Artie Lange took a giant shit on Joe Buck's chest.

The Onion: Wow, Just wow.

Gunaxin: The best thing about the NHL is all the stuff those Canadians and Eastern Europeans do with the Stanley Cup following the final game. Suggestion for David Stern: Make this happen.

Fox Sports: Seems like the Iranian Soccer team showed some support for Mousavi.

Ball Don't Lie: Scenes from the Lakers parade.

New York Times: Sammy Sosa tested positive for steroids in 2003...Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Miami Herald: Donte Stallworth gets 30 days in Jail. Mike Vick was quoted as saying "Seriously?"

Awful Announcing: Here is your U.S Open schedule.

Your Natural of the week is Adam Morrison who played a vital role in bringing the Championship to L.A.

Caption Contest!

"Has anyone seen Plaxico?"

or...

"Rhett Bomar, this is Eli. You'll get along because you were both great college quarterbacks."
/laughter

or...

"This first drill is the hot dog sprint. You sprint 20 yards, eat a hot dog. Sprint another 20 yards, eat two hot dogs, and so on, until you get to five hot dogs."

Giants training camp has got to be full of jokes. Have at it.

Progressive Anti-Bully Gym Instructor Found in Locker, Gagged with Jock Strap

ERIE, Penn. — Coach Cal Roberts, 25, of Columbia Junior High in Erie, Pennsylvania, was found Tuesday afternoon stuffed into a locker in the men's dressing room, bound with athletic tape and gagged with a jock strap, and obviously disheveled.

Roberts, who is known for having a laid back, hands off, non-violent approach to coaching Jr. High students, said that after the class completed their yoga instructions, four to five of the bigger boys in the class cornered him in the gym, while the rest cheered.

"I mean these are good kids," said Roberts, as he held his head back to nurse a nosebleed. "I'm not going to subject them to bully-games like dodge ball, flag football, badminton, or track and field."

"That's just not good for these kids."

The jock was labeled as belonging to Sam Michaelson, a 5'8", 200lbs. seventh grader at Columbia. Michaelson claims Roberts had it coming.

"Guy had it coming," said Michaelson.

An investigation by school administrators is pending the results of a class survey as to whether or not Roberts, indeed, had it coming. Early polling numbers are showing that most agree he did, while one voter, Anaximander Goldberg, the local chess prodigy, firmly believed otherwise.

The Hated

Kobe. Muhfuckin. Bryant.

Did you read our Finals wishlist? While I said I wanted the Magic to win in 7, the "What more can I say" reference was backed up by Bethlehem Shoals as the Kobe Bryant theme song.

Kobe is one of the strangest enigmas in all of sports today. As a personality, he is very much akin to Wilt Chamberlain. Promiscuous introverts, forever the antagonists, beef with lovable Boston teams, and alone as the one-man band of their respective Laker teams. This stigma galvanizes the haters and lovers alike, and only served to perpetuate the legends and myths that only made the Los Angeles smog grow thicker around their personas, endlessly obscuring the truth behind the men.

Kobe as a brand is a single name individual. As went Pele and Madonna, so goes Kobe. There is no need for a surname. There never will be.

Kobe arrived with the sort of celebration and fanfare as when a waiter delivers your plate of, well, Kobe steak. The genealogy is there, being the offspring of Jellybean Bryant (an asshole in his own right, and lucky enough to play on what is one the shortlist of my favorite teams of all time) and the sister of another NBA player. His sense of entitlement rang true even as an 18-year-old. You couldn't pay Kobe to play on a small market team such as Charlotte. It was not befitting of the mini-fro'd prince of ball. Sorry, North Carolina, there's a higher class of basketball in the universe, which lies far away from tobacco road.

While the team was certainly important, and the contributions of Pau, Fisher, Ariza and Odom cannot be marginalized, the Lakers started and ended with one man. The saga of the man whom the Chinese call the "Little Flying Warrior" truly started when he was second banana to Shaq's King Kong. In the early parts of this decade, there was absolutely no question that Shaq was the be all end all of dominance. 40 and 20 games were common for him. There was no way that those championships were not his. However, Kobe was integral, and totally earned the famous shots of him standing on the scorer's table, swaggering the mini-fro back and forth as the confetti rained down.

Now behold Kobe, embattled from court cases and haters galore. Does he give up on his team sometimes? Yes. But see him as an artist, forever devoted to his craft. The list of tortured artists who hated their fame and fanbase are as long as history itself. From Beethoven to Cobain, with Emily Dickinson to Ernest Hemingway in between, there will always be artists who were placed on this earth for one reason and one reason alone.

Kobe is that to basketball. We as Americans love the underdog story of the lovable band of ragamuffins that band together to overcome enormous odds. I see Kobe as another piece of American lore, the one lone soldier that will fight constantly to achieve his lone and selfish goal of survival. He is Clint Eastwood's Josie Wells, Doc Holliday, Boba Fett and the Roach from Apocalypse Now. He is only called upon by others when all other avenues are exhausted. With ice water in his veins, he reluctantly rejoins society for the plain and simple purpose of murder.

He isn't here for you or in spite of you. He's here for himself. All the emotions and humanizing instances are absurdly staged. Spike Lee's fanboy puff piece, his wife and daughters' appearances, and even the comical underjaw jutting are nothing more than acting jobs. In another life, Kobe was the type of person that made sure his enemies were looking him in the eyes when he put the knife swiftly into their heart.

In recent basketball, there has been a sort of hegemony in which 8 teams have shared the last 30 NBA titles (with singular appearances from the Heat and 76ers). The names of the Finals MVPs are forever etched into definitive hall-of-fame performances. Michael Jordan, Tim Duncan, Shaquille O'Neal, Larry Bird, etc. They have all earned their place in history, and embraced the love that came with it. Kobe stands alone in that this championship belongs to he alone, and will sit atop it, miserlike, until the end of days.

The NBA is reality to the NCAA's dreaminess of Cinderella stories and bracket busters. There are no moral victories in the world's greatest basketball organization. You either win or you don't. Sometimes the villains win, because sometimes the villains are that much fucking better than the rest of the field. Life's a bitch, deal with it.

For me, though, game recognizes game. Kobe's on top of his. Step yours up.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

I think it's fair to assume that the authors of this blog were on the front lines or the new media movement. Facebook, Blogger, and Myspace, were blooming right in front of us during the college years.

Now the new hotness is Twitter, and I just have to say...TWITTER IS THE MITTS!!! Seriously, whether It's used for a pseudo subscription feed, or just straight comedy, twitter has lowered my productivity.

Naturally the sports world has jumped on the twitter bandwagon, with great success.

So, for the shit storm we want the best Sports twitter feeds. I say sports because it could be anything from an athlete, sports blogger, website, organization, etc.

My pick was hard, it came down to a coach and a certain parody of a slightly metro sports blog.
The coach won.


Pete Carroll is amazing, and his twitter feed is no different. Ever have a bad day? Don't want to roll out of bed? just read Coach Carroll's feed for some motivation.

Alright that's mine and it was more of a sentimental pick. There is a ton of material out there.

Shit Storm Begin.

(oh, and by the way, GRH has its own twitter feed...You should follow)

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

We are definitely partying like Knowshon Moreno this weekend. Definitely.

I did have a request for the Derrick Rose picture, but I'm not shining any more light on that nonsense. Derrick Rose is an American hero.

Anyways.

Chris Cooley is awesome. We know this. I got my money on Kedric Golston, though.

Who Would Win from Tanner Cooley on Vimeo.

Dwight Howard is at least still having fun. About as much fun as a 23-year-old multimillionaire could have.


Where there's a Rick James on Dave Chappelle reference, there's bound to be Charlie Murphy found nearby.


Steve Nash on Letterman. No need to say anything else.


After I showed this to Squirrel Tactics, he naturally one-upped me with a Seedorf goal, but this one is still fucking awesome.


Is a Magic fan falling on her ass representative of something?


Ok. Good shit. It is now time to rock. Go Rangers.

Natural Links

Natural Links will be GRH's link dump.



The Wiz of Odds- Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammmer don't sell your free textbooks to students Alabama!!! Alabama got a slap on the wrist for this one. Most likely the NCAA was too busy with USC and Memphis to care. Two things. 1. Alabama is very very lucky they didn't get schwacked on this one. I'm pretty sure it occurred while they were still on probation and could have served as a modern version of $100 dollar handshakes. 2. I'm starting to think that I should stop making fun of Alabama academics because while it was highly illegal, it's also a creative idea on the student athletes' part.

Deadspin- Fact: This is hilarious.
Fact: I've never heard of this guy.
Fact: If you're going to Furman you may want to spell it correctly on your
press release.

Phil Steele- I got my magazine this week, with some surprises in it. (more on this later)

Herald Sun- Holy KAKA, now Real Madrid wants Ronaldo. UPDATE- Transferred for $131 million

Rocky Top Talk- Lane Kiffin commits recruiting violation while doing a segment about all of his recruiting violations.

Slam Online: Game 4 live blog

SI.com- JUST GO AWAY. BRETT FAVRE ISN'T EVEN THAT GOOD. If you want real answers go to Brittfar's cousin Biloxijim

Joe Posnanski- Probably the best take on this whole Raul Ibanez Cluster F.

Roy Hobbs Natural of the Week- David Wright who has hit .636 with a 1.714 OPS over the past week.

Bonus Caption Contest!!!

Luke: "Stheriousthly guysth my dad never showed me thisth love becausth he wasth high ALL THE TIME!!!"

Luke: "What are you guys doing?"

Or...

Odom: "Well uhhh I saw that tattoo on your arm and just figured....."

Maybe...

Everyone: "Oreo!!!!!"

Alright that was weak, lots of options, lets see it in the comments.

Michelle Obama tests postive for banned substance.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The doping scandal that has enveloped all levels of baseball and tainted many of the biggest names in the Major Leagues has now reached the highest annals of power in the free world.

Cleveland Indians catcher and First Lady of the United States Michelle Obama has tested positive for at least one banned substance. No word from the slugger herself, but her agent said that they are “weighing their options” at this time. Major League Baseball has not released the substance(s) that Obama tested positive for.

Suspicion of Obama’s use of performance enhancers first came to light in 2006 when she had a breakout season, hitting 44 homeruns, driving in 136 RBIs with a .335 batting average and whopping .603 slugging percentage.

More impressive still were her 32 putouts of potential base stealers, good enough for a .384 caught stealing percentage, tops in the AL of that year. “No way in hell I’ll run on ‘Chelle. She’s got a cannon” quipped B.J. Upton, who ranked second in the AL in bases stolen for the 2008 season.

Obama was called before a Senate hearing in late 2007 on the subject of performance enhancers in baseball, resulting in one of the more memorable, and now infamous scenes in baseball history. While counterparts of hers that had testified earlier chose a more subdued approach, refusing to answer several committee members’ questions, Obama became a voice to which the anti-steroids community rallied around. Her responses to questions of her personal steroid use ranged from a humdrum “no, senator” to the scene in which she stood atop the witness’ desk, flexing in her bulging arms in her famous sleeveless top, yelling, “don’t disrespect my effort and love for the game! God made this! God made me this beautiful!”

When questioned about why Jose Canseco named her as a known user in the baseball community, Obama responded with “Jose Canseco just snitching because he finished.” To this, Lindsay Graham (R, SC) was forced to respond, “the witness will refrain from quoting Rick Ross in these chambers.”

The recent revelation of the positive test has led to widespread speculation of peripheral instances in Obama’s inner circle that could perhaps shed light on the polarizing woman. At its ugliest, rumors of spousal abuse were linked to husband Barack’s long trips overseas. The rumors also spread to the amateur ranks, to Obama’s older brother, Craig Robinson, and his Oregon State basketball team. After the connection was made, eyebrows were raised over the Beavers’ increase in wins from 6-25 in 2007-2008 to 18-18 in 2008-2009. Said Robinson, “This, I don’t need.”

While the sports community awaits a statement from Obama, speculation will only skyrocket, and will most likely involve many of her high-profile acquaintances, from Oprah Winfrey and her extreme fluctuations in weight, to Queen Elizabeth II and her timeless aging.

However the outcome, Michelle Obama's colloquial titles of "Most Powerful Woman in the World" and "Most Powerful Woman Behind the Plate" will be forever tainted.

Caption Contest!

Little does #15 know, his teammate has a hand buzzer.

or...

"Beating people up is way more fun than cricket. Let's bring the hammer down on this guy in the blue shirt."

or...

"You know what's the best part about this sport? Our super-sweet unis."

So we had an Icehouse hiatus, and I've returned with this. I know nothing about cricket. I can't even begin to take a fucking guess at what's going on in this picture. Alls I know is that South Africans are jerks.

MLB Draft No. 1 Pick Strasburg Tests Positive for Steroids, HGH, Meth, Cocaine, AIDS, Carpel Tunnel, ADHD, Lockjaw, Mudbutt, Road Rage and Swine Flu

WASHINGTON — Moments after the Washington Nationals took San Diego State phenom pitcher Stephen Strasburg with the No. 1 overall pick in today's MLB Draft, the young ace tested positive for Steroids, HGH, Meth, Cocaine, AIDS, Carpel Tunnel, ADHD, Lockjaw, Mudbutt, Road Rage and Swine Flu, as well as a number of other hitherto unidentified drugs, concoctions, illnesses and venereal diseases.

The pitcher, who has been clocked at 102 mph, said that while he was shocked by the news, he hopes to be accepted in the league despite the setbacks.

"I mean, I'm human. Everyone makes mistakes," said Strasburg. "I'm just trying to do me."

Nats GM Matt Rizzo, who appeared viably shaken, said he thought the background checks the team administered on Strasburg would have picked up at least a couple of the blemishes on his record, not to mention the long litany of conditions afflicting the pitcher.

"I mean, what the hell," said Rizzo. "What the holy hell. What in God's name could we have been thinking. I hate my life."

Strasburg's agent Scott Boras says that these minor incidents and diseases are only going to make Strasburg's ascent into the upper echelon of baseball lore more sweet.

"It's a blessing in disguise," grinned Boras. "We're already penning a movie deal with Disney to do a buddy flick with [Texas Ranger slugger and former-junkie] Josh Hamilton. We'll be the next Danny Glover/Joe Pesci. Or the next Matt Damon/Greg Kinnear. You'll all see."

As of press, it was said that Boras has formed a contract for Strasburg to sign with the Nationals for $11.49 kajillion dollars, with incentives for smiling while pitching. The Nats and Strasburg are expected to reach an agreement by dusk.

Lakers' Gasol Completely Forgets About Playing in Game 3 Tonight

LOS ANGELES — While the L.A. Lakers are in Orlando reviewing game plans, relaxing, and otherwise preparing to win their third-straight game against the Magic, they are missing a notable name to their roster: FC Pau Gasol.

Gasol, according to sources close to the Spaniard, completely forgot about catching the flight to Orlando, Game 3, and the Orlando Magic altogether.

"I don't not know," yawned Gasol in garbled Spanish. "I play PS3. I drink beerz. I not no think about Kobe, shave, or basketbol."

Gasol, shirtless, then curled his seven-foot-frame into a ball on his couch, and proceeded to finish his nap.

Gasol apperently made plans to go see The Hangover with his brother Marc, of the Memphis Grizzlies, and eat a quick dinner at a Jack in the Box afterward. The planning, according to Marc, was all a matter of having nothing better to do.

"He completely forgot," said Marc Gasol. "But then again, so did I. And everyone knows I'm the better Gasol."

Marc Gasol attempted to cement this claim by drooling immediately before ending the interview with the reporter by sneezing and farting at the same time, and thereby chortling uncontrollably.

Drama on the Plains OMG!!!!!

I meant to talk about this yesterday, but I figured that we had such an active shit storm that I would just hold off for a while.

Ok so remember Tony Franklin? Yeah, he's this guy. So to refresh your memory Auburn hired spread (of the Texas Tech variety) OC Tony Franklin. Franklin does well in bowl game. Sucks during season. Attempts to save job/life. Gets fired. Tommy Tubs goes later.

And now there is this.

Auburn...dysfunctional? Color me surprised.

Now to be fair, I think Tony Franklin got a raw deal, specifically because he never really ran "his" offense, but why spread the shit now?

For everyone other than Old Booker Pogue, I'll give you a quick history lesson. TF was an assistant coach at Kentucky under Hal Mumme. (Yes, during the Couch/Lorenzen years) Mumme had some "minor" violations like dropping $1,400 on certain players. Anyway, the story goes that Mumme tried to blame Franklin, and in order to keep his good name, TF decided to write a book airing UK's dirty laundry...which effectively got him black balled from college football. (Note-Sources tell me Franklin is just a squirrely dude to begin with)

What's that saying? Once is an accident, twice is a coincidence, three times...

Tony is definitely on the coincidence level, And I still have no idea why he's talking about it now. However, if you read the comments on the article you'll see that there are many conspiracy theories floating around the yellow hammer state.

Now, for the Auburn fans. This is exactly why you will always be second fiddle to Alabama. You see Alabama has all this stuff figured out. First they are smart enough to hire "within the family" so when they break the rules Alabama knows they'll keep quiet. They are also smart enough to pay people off when they are outsiders.* Furthermore, Alabama has multiple corrupt boosters** running the program as opposed to one corrupt banker. But hey, at least you got your "yes man" in the football office now.***


*No evidence whatsoever.
** See above.
*** All in good fun.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

I have no idea why we haven't done this storm before.

Sports are fun, especially when you score or do something of importance.

It's even better when you use excessive celebration to reiterate your greatness.

You heard that right, Lattimer is decidedly pro celebration.

So for the shit storm we want the greatest sports celebrations. Any sport, any celebration. Hell, I'll even allow sports movie celebrations, so everything from "Any Given Sunday" is in play.

Here's mine.


This is "The Squirrel" by Kelley Washington. I remember watching this game and just laughing my ass off when I saw it. I think the greatest thing is the fact that Washington is a journeyman wide receiver and just decided to bust this out. Shit, he even impressed Chad Ochocinco.

Alright, I know there are a ton of these, especially in Soccer. Get after it.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

NOTE: For your next party invite list, remember this picture. Daniel Gibson = red hats and fun. Sash Pavlovic = no fun at all.

Yes. YES. SHIT YEAH!

The blogosphere can kiss my ass, because I'm leaving the earth for a while, taking a sojourn into the ocean. But before that happens, we must get to the links.

First and foremost, if you didn't watch last week's Champion's League Final, you clearly fucked up. Not that it was anything that spectacular, but, you know...


While umbrellas are gay (Thanks, KSK!), umbrellas in hurricane tunnels are nothing but fun.


Political ideologies aside, GRH will give $100 if we can get photographic proof of these guys getting beaten. Republicans and rappers agree on many issues (having guns, getting money, hating gay people), but this video misses the boat completely.


Dwight Howard has reason to be pissed over how much special treatment the Cavs got. In the words of The Game, "Don't you ever leave me out the top ten, you fucking bastards."


Dear TechnoViking,
The gauntlet has been thrown down. The question is now you and what army?


Holy crap this is an awesome funbag. See y'all sorry sacks next week.

NBA Finals Wish List

The NBA Finals are upon us, and as loyal viewers, The GRH writers decided to get together and provide you with some examples of what we would like to see from the Finale.

-Stovall:I would like to see Dwight Howard come on to a candlelit court, armed with a lightsaber. He will then put on a high-production duel with Derek Fisher, Pau Gasol, and Luke Walton, all in front of a throned Kobe Bryant. After Howard slays Fisher, Gasol, and Walton (with Walton being decapitated, Gasol being impaled and Fisher being mercifully left to crawl away to tell the tale), he will then rush Bryant, but will be intercepted by —gasp!— LeBron James, dressed in a black tuxedo that somehow does not encumber his kung fu. The two will fight and fight and fight and fight, with much pomp and bloodshed. James will utlimately subdue Howard and have him in the killng position. As James goes to end Howard once and for all, Howard will whisper some inaudible cadance into James eager ear, stopping him in his tracks. As a tear slowly treads down James youthful cheek, he will say softly but definitively, "It Is." He will then throw his lightsaber at Kobe Bryant, and it will fly into his chest, exploding him into thousands and thousands of tiny pieces. As LeBron helps Howard up, the two begin to embrace, but stop to shake hands and affirmatively nod, never letting emotion thwart the zeal of a great deed having been done. However, upon inspecting the Bryant debris, it is determined that that being was not Kobe Bryant, but an anamatronic likeness. James and Howard will then grasp each other mightly and trod off the court to defend against evil, together, once again.

I would like to see Ron Jeremy win. Then maybe he could go back to his day job (heyyoooo!)

-Old Booker Pogue:

What do I want to see out of the NBA Finals? I'd like to see Kobe fail. If your first reflex is to call me a "hater," guess what. YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM. I hate Los Angeles, I hate the concept of celebrities, and I hate the way those two factors interfere with what is otherwise an enjoyable sport for me to watch. Kobe is the most easily disliked once-in-a-lifetime talent. He's smug, and he's the antithesis of a team player. When he wasn't the brightest star, he ran Shaq (one of the most likeable once-in-a-lifetime tal.. well.. personalities) out of the city. He tried to run Phil off at one point, too. So far, he hasn't won on his own, and I've enjoyed that.

He's everything I hate about pro-sports, and I hope he and his band of vaginal warlords falls on their collective faces. Sasha Vujacic complained in a press conference that Chris Paul taunted him by calling him "Voo-ya-bitch." This is something you handle on the court, if you choose to recognize it at all; I hope you never see an American penitentiary, Sasha, because you'll be the belle of the block. Jordan Farmar sucked at UCLA and has a shitty, too-coo-for-school attitude. Pau Gasol menstruates - look at the monthly (sometimes more frequent) fluctuations in his statistical output. You can't dogfuck science. On the other side, Dwight Howard is the Perfect Warrior, Skip-to-my-Lou has a great back story, Jameer Nelson is a hardass coming back from an injury, Courtney Lee is coming on strong as the fifth wheel, and they've got Europeans (is Turkey in Europe?) who can shoot the leather off the ball. Stan Van Gundy is 4 tech's short of a bypass surgery; he doesn't wear t-shirts to games because he wants to, he wears them on the advice of team physicians. What's not to love (besides JJ Reddick, who would probably come off the bench in the WNBA)?

The Lakers are more complete, but they let Houston take them to 7. Glitz+Glamour+Kobe=Indifference. Magic in 6, with the worst TV ratings of an NBA finals since the last time the Spurs played in one.

But the real winner is LeBron, who will probably not be called for a single foul from April 1st 2010 until October 1st 2010 while shattering the record for and-one's in a single playoff year.


-Lattimer:
Initially I would want to see the removal of all celebrity personalities from the courtside seats. How would I accomplish this? Simple. I would utilize the DHL/UPS/Fedex promotions that take a fan from section ZZ and puts them in prime time seats, except in my promotion I would take that fan and have them exchange seats with some celebrity. Specifically some celebrity that considers themselves to be "a normal everyday person." Put your money where your mouth is dickhead. Keeping on the celebrity theme I'd love to see any player go for a ball and plant their taint in Jack Nicholson's face. Preferably Pau or Hedo. Oh and Spike Lee, we get it, you're friends with the players. And no, you cannot change the outcome of the game with your dumbass trashtalking. (yes I know he's a Knick's fan) I would also like to see Kobe average 40 ppg. And lose. I hate Kobe, always have, always will, and I see no better way than to destroy him than by his own egotism.

What else? Oh, I hope everyone will stop talking about the brothers Van Gundy announcer/coach conflict. I think it would be great if Bill Walton was in the crowd trying to talk to Luke, and Luke just flips out on him. "SHUTUP DAD, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE" ala overbearing little league parents and their kids. I also hope Dwight Howard posterizes Pau, because I love Dwight, and hate Pau. Finally I want to see Redick and Morrison on the floor in the deciding moment of game 7 (for whatever reason) with Redick hitting the game winning shot over Morrison. Why? because I want you all to suffer.

-Icehouse:
Uh… Uh… Uh…
The scene opens to General Maximus’ lines at the beginning of Jay-Z’s “What more can I say” from the Black Album. As soon as the beat drops, we see kung-fu speed motion crossed with freeze frames. The freeze frames capture the greatest images of the series. Rashard Lewis swats a potential Sasha Vujacic gamewinner. Pau Gasol gets has his wrist shattered on the rim trying to block a Dwight Howard two-hander. Kobe crosses one, two, three Magic, and buries a three as Stan Van Gundy buries his head in his hands. Shannon Brown steals a Rafer Alston inbounds pass with shades of Larry Bird, miraculously finds Odom for a 30 footer…cash. “I don’t wear jerseys, thirty-plus / Gimme a fresh pair of jeans and a button-up” is spit over shots of Shaq and LeBron in the stands. A montage of Jameer Nelson wrecking shop on Fisher, Ariza, Farmar and Shannon Brown in his first game back since the shoulder injury. Jackson is meditating on the bench, and just starts levitating. Dwight hits a three, swats a shot, comes back down and tosses a pretty oop to Shard. JJ Reddick dies. Marcin Gortat posts a triple double. The beat fades out as the screen fades to black: “I’m supposed to be number one on everybody’s list / Let’s see what happens when I no longer exist. Fuck this.”

Magic in 7.

Well there it is. Have fun tonight.

Stern: Fans To Vote For Outcome of Game 4 of Finals

NEW YORK — Despite being denied the optimal Finals match-up between the Lakers and the Cavaliers, NBA Commissioner David Stern announced Wednesday to add another fan element to boost ratings fan involvement during the 2009 NBA Finals by letting fans vote the outcome of Game 4.

"Fans will be able to phone, text or email in their votes for who they want to win the fourth game in the series," said Stern. "The votes will be tallied, and whoever wins, will have Game 4 in the record books as a 'W.' It's a win-win for everybody!"

Stern said he selected Game 4 since it has more potential to extend a series.

"If the Lakers are savagely massacring Dwight Howard and his team, perhaps a sympathy vote could propel that blue team to making a run at it," said Stern. "It certainly makes things more interesting from a fan perspective."

Stern said that the regular sixty minute game would be replaced with a thirty minute exhibition from each team, similar to the All-Star game, complete with a dunking contest, trick shot competition, and mid-court dance off, followed by a thirty minute Slamball contest, with celebrity judges Kelli Clarkson and Jim Belushi.

Stern said he's confident the addition will add the appeal that the Kobe-LeBron match up would have proffered, had the Cavs won.

"You gotta wonder where those Ohio votes are going to go," said Stern. "I wouldn't be surprised if Mr. James made a surprise appearance during the Slamball segment," Stern hinted sheepishly.

Fans who vote by texting with Verizon Wireless phones get a free text message from LeBron James or Kobe Bryant.

Caption Contest!

Tomlin: "Wooo! Free tickets! Wooo! Hey Beer man!"

or...

Tomlin: "Finally, this game's over. We can leave!"
Son: "Actually, dad, there's still a period left. There's three periods in hockey."
Tomlin: "Damn. Well in that case, you're driving home tonight."

or...

"Here we go, Steelers, Here we go!"

Lame, I know. But I know nothing about hockey. So... show me up.

Chipper Jones Forgets Where He Is, Takes Dump in Left Field

ATLANTA — Perennial All-Star 3B Chipper Jones of the NL East's Atlanta Braves briefly forgot where he was during the top of the third inning of the home stand against the New York Mets, and in that moment, removed his glove and took a dump in left field.

"I dunno," said Jones, the reigning NL batting champion. "Had to lay one down. Wuzn't really thinkin'. Dropped trou. Laid a hot one. Case closed, man."

Left fielder Garret Anderson said that while he was perplexed by Jones' antics at the time, he's not surprised by the fact that the future Hall of Famer would go ahead and drop a deuce in the middle of Turner Field.

"That's just Chipper being Chipper," said Anderson. "Name me any other player who would do something like that not named 'Chipper Jones.'"

Commissioner Bud Selig says the league's hands are tied, citing that the game was not delayed while Jones was defecating, and therefore broke no league rules and will not be punished. Skipper Bobby Cox wasn't notified about the steamer until he woke up sometime around the sixth inning, and had "No f***in' comment."

Jones credited his lightweight to the ensuing play, in which he caught a high-line drive, tagged an over-anxious base runner from second and touched third base to achieve the season's first unassisted triple play.

The High-Brow Snob in Your Office Just Feigning Interest in the French Open

DALLAS — Despite remonstrations to the contrary, coupled with heavy sighs and eye-rolling at the mention of college football, Tom Morgan, the middle manager in your office with an ambiguous job description, has been feigning interest in the annual clay contest, the French Open, just to make you feel uncultured.

"I couldn't believe it," said human resources representative Michael Andrews. "He's always talking about Federer and Rodick and the Williams Sisters, and acting like he's above talking about the NBA playoffs. I thought he was really classy..."

The leak was revealed when Hunter Spellman, the office page, delivered Morgan's iced latte and realized that while USA's coverage of the Open was on loudly on his tiny in-office television set, Morgan's computer screen showed clips from America's Funniest Home Videos and Family Guy, with an ear-plug to drone out the tennis.

"I saw him at the Country Club," said Spellman, who works part time at the Pleasant Ridge Country Club as a caddy. "That racquet was always in his hand. Guess I should've realized that he wasn't sweating even though he was wearing a big, white sweater.

"I always thought the shorts kept him cool."

Morgan had no comment, saying he wasn't about to stoop to anyone else's level to talk about something as trivial as anything other than cricket, which apparently Morgan is now "all about, man."

Baseball Top 10

Well It's June and we have yet to have a post about the Baseball season other than gambling and El Hombre shattering signs and shit. So here are your top 10 performers to date.

1. Zack Greinke: I remember seeing this guy several years ago and hearing the announcers talk about how he had great stuff, specifically his hammer of a curveball. He was supposed to be the future for the Royals. He lasted three innings that day. Well the future is now. Turns out Greinke suffered from depression and social anxiety disorder, and those issues seemed to be fixed because he is putting up insane numbers. All ten of Greinke's starts have been quality starts (82 innings) and boasts a record of 8-1. What's more impressive is Greinke's 1.10 ERA, K/9 of 9.66, and a somewhat insane .90 WHIP. Oh and did I mention that he has yet to allow a homerun.

2. Albert Pujols: We've come to take El Hombre for granted. .339/.468/.678 with a 1.146 OPS, yep that's pretty impressive, but it's also SOP for El Hombre. Did I also mention he has 16 taters, 43 RBI's, 44 BB and 7 stolen bases. Ohhhhh and he only has 18 K's. I'll let that sink in.........Yes you are correct, he only has two more K's than HR's. And if I really wanted to rub it in I could mention that he has been missing Ludwick in the lineup for the past couple weeks. While the rest of the Cards offense fell on their face, Pujols keeps on plugging away. NL MVP.

3. Raul Ibanez: Kind of a surprise here considering Ibanez has never slugged over .600 and posted a career high of 33 homers in 2006. This year he's hitting at a clip of .333/.394/.682 with 17 HR's and an OPS of 1.076. He's not drawing a ton of walks then again he never does, and sees some nice pitches behind Rollins, Utley, Howard and Co. History tells us that he will cool off as the year goes on, but in that lineup he may put together an impressive year and allow Philly Phans to Pheel great about the off season pickup.

4. Evan Longoria: The young 3rd baseman is showing that he doesn't give two shits about sophomore slumps. Batting .327/.396/.623 with an OPS of 1.020, Longoria also has 13 HR's and 55 RBI's. The one thing you don't like to see is the 50K's, but in all it looks like he's going to put together a solid year.

5. Carl Crawford: So lets see .324/.383/.446 OPS .829, only 3 Hr's.......hmmmm.....HOLY SHIT 30 STEALS!!! Honestly that is insane. 30 steals with an OBP of .383. Flat out impressive.

6A. Justin Morneau: The big Canuck is batting .342/.419/.643 which brings his OPS to 1.062. He also has 14 Homers and 47 RBI's. The big thing about Morneau is he is on pace to top his best HR total (When he just went out of this world in the second half of 2006) and he has also never gone over .400 in OBP or slugged over .600. If he stays consistent he'll put together his first non-streaky year.

6B Adrian Gonzalez: Adrian gets the nod here because he leads the majors with 21 HR's (Even though he plays half of his games in Petco where long balls go to die) and he is getting on base at .401, which you always like to see from a power hitter.

7. Jason Bay: I was debating between Bay and Youkilis in this spot, but since Youk got hurt I'll give the nod to the Canadian. With the the gravity defying fall of Ortiz and the short absence of Youk, Bay has had to pick up the slack, and he has performed well. Bay's AVG is lower than most at .288, but he is getting on base at a .419 clip and is slugging .627. Bay also has 15 HR's and 49 RBI's. His stats aren't out of this world, but I'll give him the nod for the lackluster Boston lineup.

8. Adam Jones: No not pacman. A relative unknown, Jones is putting up some pretty sick numbers thus far .344/.400/.608 with an OPS of 1.008 with 11 HR's and 36 RBI's. A nice little year so far. One problem. In four years he has not finished the season above a .270 AVG or slugged over .400. And the big one. His highest OBP is .311. Now to be fair, last year was his first as a full time player, and maybe he is seeing the ball better, it wouldn't be the first time someone came out of nowhere in their 4th year, but I'll remain skeptical.

9. Ichiro: Ichiro is like the mini Pujols. We've grown accustomed to his stellar offensive performances over the years. The normally healthy Ichiro missed the first two weeks of the season, which is why the production isn't there, but he does have 69 hits in 44 games, a .352 AVG and also has a surprising 5 homers thus far. Oh and he also has a 24 game hit streak.

10. Johan Santana: Johan continues to produce with a 7-2 record and a 1.77 ERA. He hasn't been going deep into games, but he's also holding opponents to a .208 AVG and has a WHIP of 1.09. Not too much more, Johan is doing what everyone expected him to do.

I'd also look for Mark Teixeira to be on this list by the second half of the season. Tex is a notoriously slow starter, and the fact that he is hitting .282/.383/.601 with 16 HR's and 44 RBI's is pretty encouraging. It also doesn't hurt that he plays in a little league field.

Other players worthy of note: Jonathan Broxton, Ian Kinsler, Chase Utley, Roy Halladay Miguel Cabrera, and Justin Verlander who has been pitching well as of late.