Friday, October 31, 2008

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!


Three cheers for the weekend! I'm going to dress up as John Daly for Halloween. It's nice because of the simplicity. Step 1) Put on golf-esque apparel. Step 2) Smear face with Hooter's sauce. Step 3) Drink self insane.

So a lot of times when I'm watching a James Bond movie, I think to myself, "yeah, it would be cool, but one could never do that." Apparently, that wasn't enough to some guys, who have one-upped just about everything Bond has ever done.

Did I say I was dressing up like John Daly? Because in real life I am President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho.

Chris Mortensen sucks. But in this video with him in it, some morons capture some hilarity in the background. I've always wondered why people take jobs that involve them dressing up in inflatable mascot costumes, but now the answer is clear: to whomp on little kids.

Josh Howard is sneaky and will trip you. Especially if you are a 7'5" Emo Chinaman.

Ok. It's Halloween. Let's all go do something stupid.

Philly is Phor the Ladies


Philly wins the World Series, Lidge shakes the curse of Pujols, and "Currently there is only some fireworks, several groups have overturned cars, and there are some small celebratory fires. But all in all Jim, things seem to be going smoothly."

Got that last little gem from the local Fox reporter.

If you're a raging sports fan, you know that Philadelphia phans not only have a reputation, but they have also suffered for 25 years. That is, Since 83 Philly phans have not seen a pro sports championship.
*The Philadelphia "Soul" are not considered in this conversation.

For 25 years Philly has seen its share of teases and heart breaks. It's almost like "They've never been kissed"...OHHHH SHIIIIIIT, FOR THE LADIES POST!!!!!!!


we can accomplish two things in the post. 1. Use our prediction skills, because I actually have not seen the movie, although it seems like a layup. 2. We can examine the psyche of Philadelphia fans.

Lets begin.
Plot- I'm going to go out on a limb here, but I assume Drew Barrymore, was and ugly duckling in her younger years. A Nerd. With Braces. Well, that is kinda like Philly, the fans in Philadelphia have their history, many moons ago nobody really liked them. I'm also going to assume that Drew has never been kissed. That's just like Philly, I mean I guess Philly has been kissed, but that was back in 83, so to put it into perspective, most of our authors have not seen a Philadelphia championship. I think we can say Philly has never been kissed, or laid. Ok so I'm assuming the young nerdy Drew blossoms into a mildly attractive 20 something (maybe 30) She is so focused on her great job that she doesn't have time for a relationship, she may accidentally fall in love, or...she may have just screwed up all the relationships in her life. We'll go with the later, because Philly has also screwed up some kissing opportunities. See Phillies 93, Sixers 2001, Eagles, 2004. Finally I'm going to assume Drew meets some knight in shining armor, she kisses him, and it's a magical moment. Well we all saw what happened Wednesday for the Phils.
Age- As I stated earlier, I'm assuming Drew Barrymore is a 20 something. I'm thinking late 20's, maybe 28. The last time Philadelphia has won a championship was 25 years ago, 28 for the Phils.

Characters-
Drew Barrymore probably meets some strapping fellow who she falls in love with. Mabye someone unexpected, maybe an old friend. The Phils also had a cast of characters, and if we're going with the strapping young fellow, look no further than world series MVP Cole Hamels.


History-
This is more about Barrymore than the actual movie. Barrymore has alot of history, she was a shining star as a child, ET was awesome. However, she recently has had some repulsive material. Furthermore, she really isnt that attractive. Philly also has alot of history, Bells, signed documents, kites and keys, The Philadelphia Project. I mean Philly gives me a history boner. But they also have some not so flattering history including but not limited to: iceballs-santa, batteries, the 700 level, booing Michael Irvin as he lay motionless on the ground. Finally, Philly is not an attractive city, kinda like Barrymore, there is alot of history, but do you really want to go there?

Outcome-
Like I said earlier I'm 100% sure Barrymore finds her one true love, they resolve all conflicts, and she gets kissed in a heartwarming moment.
Wednesday, Philly had their own heartwarming moment.


So there you have it guys, and gals. The Phillies World Series win is just like never been kissed.


Nice win Philadelphia you deserved it.
And please don't kill me if I wear a Cardinals hat.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Titans: For Real Real or For Play Play?

After Monday night's dominating performance over conference foe Indianapolis, the Tennessee Titans stand as the only undefeated team left in the NFL. With a powerful running attack - void of superstar Vince Young- and a smothering defense, the upstart Titans have left many sports pundits scratching their respective noggins.

But are the Titans for real real or for play play?

The answer is a resounding "Maybe."

First, let's look at Kerry "Gray Beard" Collins. This guy is no firecracker. He's not even a snake or a sparkler. In the arsenal of Independence Day metaphors, he doesn't scratch the surface. Yet the collective gasp that was heard sucking gale-force winds into Nashville when Vince Young hurt his MCL seems to be unwarranted, as Collins has been nearly flawless, albeit unspectacular. His passer rating is a lukewarm 75 flat, and while his 58 completion percentage, the numbers don't show his clutch 3rd down conversions, nor does it show his ability to pass while using a walker.

But how good can a team be when its best player is on the bench? There are two undeniable axioms about the Tennessee Titans: their best player is Vince Young and they would not be undefeated were he playing this year. While these truths seem to be contradictory to one another, it becomes more clear when one seriously thinks about how good VY is.

A one-man show, Vincent can make something out of nothing, and has never had to rely on anyone else in his entire athletic career. But no one can do that in the NFL for very long, just ask Reggie Bush, whose "here's the ball — make something happen" offense at USC was formidable, but isn't as explosive in the NFL. Defenses wear down and Vince's other teammates don't get game speed reps, causing game plans to crumble, even in the wake of a tremendous touchdown run by Young. Collins allows Jeff Fisher's patented running game to come to fruition, where as Young often stifles that game plan —for better or for worse. Unfortunately for Fisher's running Titans, VY doesn't have to use those crummy excuses for receivers either, as he is his own self-made man, and when a receiver expectedly screws up, he can pick up the slack. Collins does have to play with those guy, and that might be his downfall once defensive coordinators pick up on the geriatrics's tactics of "hand off left" and "hand off right."

DISCLAIMER: The team is still Vince Young's team, by the way. He is maturing, incubating on the sidelines and patiently awaiting his return to dominance, once he learns to use his other teammates in his own way. Don't believe me? The Titans are known for bringing name-brand African-American quarterbacks to the limelight, just look at Steve McNair and Warren "Awesome" Moon.

You might as well call these Titans the Oilers, because their running attack is old school and me likey. Rookie Chris Johnson is doing his part with an average of over five yards per carry, and LenDale White is a breath of fresh air for portly people everywhere, especially after the disappointing Heisman drop off by Chubby Chase Daniel. Their line is big and experienced, and able to open holes for the terrible twosome. Football games are dependent on a strong running game, and the Titans don't lack in that department on either side of the ball.

Speaking of the other side of the ball, have you seen this front seven of mongrels the Titans put up as their defense? Sick and nasty are the only way to describe the likes of Kyle Vanden Bosch, Jevon "the Freak" Kearse, Keith Bullock, and last but certainly not least, Albert "Face Stompin'" Haynesworth. These guys are going to the toast of the town all year long, although it must be said that their so-far-only-once-tested D will face steeper competition from more prepared offensive gurus who are sure to attempt to slice and dice the front seven up to their unexperienced secondary.

But as everyone knows, great runs are set up by good passes, and while Collins is certainly making due with two decent tight ends and several undecent receivers, the can't be expected to shelve the load off to Johnson and White all the way to the Super Bowl. McCareins? Gage? Jones? Hall? I'm fading fast boys; you're putting me to sleep. I remember the kicker, Auburn Rob Bironas before you guys, but in your defense that Tiger can play.

But considering the rest of the schedule, right now, the Titans are good to go. In an increasingly mediocre league (15 of the 32 teams are within one game, over or under, of being right at .500, with only New Orleans being the only at .500 with a 4-4 record), a seven game lead can actually go pretty far, especially in their division, the AFC South, where they reign as Kings, with the rest of the division sitting ugly at 3-4. Pittsburgh, New England and Buffalo have 5-2, and Washington, Carolina, and the New York Footballing Giants with six wins.

The League isn't set up for undefeated teams. For proof, see last year's Super Duper Bowl. And while I don't think anyone is seriously thinking this team can and will go undefeated, how far do we see these Titans going? They'll almost certainly get in the playoffs, despite a major collapse on the part of the entire organization. The rest of the schedule looks pretty good for the Titans, but look out for the Bears and the Steelers as well.

After all it's just a bunch of guys playing a game. Nothing is set in stone or already etched in a trophy.

Again, I'll reference the Super Duper Bowl.


Caption Contest!


I don't WANNA take a drug test! WAAAAA!

or...

I'm not playing until I get my juice!"

or...

Tell Reggie to run up the middle! Just once!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

NFL Midterm

First things first.

I know these have been going around the internet lately, but I feel like It's important to mock other individual's mistakes.

Danyelle Sargent
. And don't miss this gem from 2005. (Second Link NSFW language)

Let's look at the state of the NFL at the midway point.

Teams heading for relegation.

Lions (0-7)
No surprise here.

Bengals (0-8)
Looks like the name change for Chad Ocho Cinco worked out well. Oh, Carson Palmer is hurt, and may be out for the season.

Chiefs (1-6)
Take one part Alabama "gun-slinger," one part Pennsylvania woman beater, and one part pissed off tight end. What do you get? A KC shit sandwich.
(In Brodie's defense, he does have a trophy wife)

*Note I would include the Niners at 2-6, but Singletary is my hero.

Meh Teams.

Patriots (5-2)
We all thought Brady's knee was the beginning of the end, but now it looks like they'll win the division. Crap.

Cowboys (5-3)
Say it with me. Collapse, Collapse, Collapse!!!

Bills (5-2)
Marshawn Lynch is the funniest person alive. He can also run the rock.

Saints (4-3)
Nice win over the Chargers. However, it seems that the Duece is not only loose, but also juiced.

Ravens (4-3)
"The game done changed..."
"Game's the same, just got more fierce."

Teams who pique our interest.

Titans (7-0)
Well they don't win pretty, but even without VY they can pound the rock, and stop other teams from doing the same.

Giants (6-1)
Look at little Eli all grown up now. Also this just in, Brandon Jacobs will destroy you.

Steelers (5-2)
Western PA is a battleground area in the upcoming election, I heard Chuck Todd say that...
Oh, the Steelers play in a weak division. Troy Polamalu thinks you are a pansy.

Redskins (6-2)
Chris Cooley has a blog, and Jason Campbell has yet to throw a pick this year.

NBA Divisional Preview: Southwest


Well, we did save the best for last. This division is far and away the best.

New Orleans Hornets: The Hornets are a trendy favorite to pick win the West. If you watched them play last year you would understand why. They kill. They play great. They're high energy, they run, they play mad D, and they can shoot. Chris Paul is the best point guard in the NBA, and one of the best all around players, period. Tyson Chandler took a while to find his niche, but once he did, Compton is in the house. With the addition of James Posey, the Hornets are poised to do some serious damage.

San Antonio Spurs: Never bet against the Spurs in odd years. You shouldn't. Of course, the Spurs are just a little bit older and a little more slow than they used to be. They also lost Brent "Bones" Barry and Big Shot Bob Horry. The big three are still there, and Manu, Tony and Tim are just about as good as they've ever been. Tim Duncan is still wondering if this is finally the year he's going to kill that rat fuck John Connor, heralding the rise of the machines. Bruce Bowen is still there, and he's still the most hated player in the league, Michael Finley is still raining threes and throwing down dunks that his 35-year-old body feels in the morning. Still. Never bet against the Spurs in an odd-numbered year.

Houston Rockets: Talk about a weird group of guys, but they might boast the best starting five in basketball. Yao Ming, Tracy McGrady, Luis Scola, Ron Artest, and Rafer "Skip to my lou" Alston? Yes. Fantastic. Ron Artest is a great player. Batshit insane, maybe, but still a great player that you want on that wall, you need on that wall. T-Mac and Yao, they have a chip on their shoulder. They've never made it out of the first round, despite always being heralded as two of the best players in the world. Luis Scola was the best Argentine in the Olympics, which is saying a lot.

Dallas Mavericks: The '06 Western Conference Champs have been in freefall since. Two years in a row, they've been bounced in the first round. After some serious retooling (they got rid of about half of their team), Jason Kidd is now on the team. Kidd's addition to the team last year yielded virtually no results, but for a great point guard, you need to give him a little bit of time to meld with the team. Kidd has been given that. They still have Jason Terry, Josh Howard, and Dirk Nowitzki. Dirk was the MVP in '07, and he disappeared in the playoffs. Someone else has to step up before the Mavs do anything better than getting bounced. Unfortunately, with the new West, they may not make the postseason.

Memphis Grizzlies: The worst team in the league two years ago is now the youngest team in the league. They also have some crazy cool players. I was mad at first that they traded Kevin Love for O.J. Mayo, because I was looking forward to the Gay-Love Era in Memphis. Gay-Mayo is way more baller, though. Adding Marc "La Tanqueta" Gasol, the Grizz will start two seven-footers, and be able to take it to the hole or shoot. The Grizz are back for the attack.

Monday, October 27, 2008

NBA Divisional Preview: Pacific


Oh yeah. Now we're having fun.

Los Angeles Lakers: Before Team USA's opening game against China in August. Kobe Bryant auspiciously disappeared while both USA and China made their ways to the court. As the teams were shooting around, warming up, a quick thinking NBC camera caught Kobe, standing at the top of the mezzanine. He then descended through the general admission stands while the thousands in attendance flocked to attempt to touch Kobe. The teams representing the two greatest nations in the world stood and watched. Yao Ming, the most popular player from the most populous nation the world has ever seen watched as Kobe one-upped him. Why did this happen? Because game recognize game, and the Chinese have found out what we already knew. Kobe Bean Bryant is the best basketball player in the world. The Lakers also feature Andrew Bynum, whose absence from the playoffs last year was notable, Pau Gasol, Lamar Odom, and Derek Fisher. However, I am most looking forward to seeing how Sun Yue fits in. Sun Yue was referred to as the "Chinese Magic Johnson" before he let us know that he prefers the nickname "Monkey King." You're the boss!

Phoenix Suns: After their first round bouncing at the hands of the Spurs, people clamored that the "Suns were setting." Mike D'Antoni took some mad cash to go and attempt to rein in the colossal clusterfuck that is the New York Knicks. But sans D'Antoni, does that mean failure for the team that was famous for their ability to outrun everybody, coining the phrase, "seven seconds or less"? In my opinion, no. One, you can't run with Shaq. You could, but that was more than a decade ago. Two, you can't run with Grant Hill. You could, but that was two decades ago. Also, if and when they want to outrun everybody, they take those guys out, and put in virtually every single player that made them great (sans Shawn Marion). Steve Nash is still Steve Nash, and he still has Amare "STAT" Stoudemire and Leandro "Captain" Barbosa. Matt Barnes will add an interesting twist, and some badly needed hair gel and tattoos. And finally, Alando Tucker has been off the radar since getting out of Wisconsin, but don't forget that he is a freak of nature.

Golden State Warriors: Shit, I don't know. They lost Baron Davis, and I always thought that he was the thing that made them go. Now they have three players with more than four years experience. Those players are, in order of experience: Al Harrington (10 years), Corey Maggette (9 years), and everybody's favorite native of Port Arthur, TX, Stephen Jackson (8 years). After that, you have Andris Biedrins (4 years in the league), and then Monta Ellis. the problem with Monta Ellis, however, is that he's out for about three months, and suspended without pay for that time, since he hurt his ankle falling off of a moped, then lied about it to the Golden State brass (you'd lie to Chris Mullin, too). I would like to say that Don Nelson cooked up something crazy while spending his off season in the usual drunken stupor, but this just feels too much like the collapse that the Oakland Globetrotters suffered after the whole Chris Webber/Tim Hardaway/Avery Johnson phase put its foot in its own dick. I'm pulling for success, though.

Los Angeles Clippers: Did you forget about the Clipshow? You might as well have. Then things looked absolutely dismal after Elton Brand and Corey Maggette left. But then Baron Davis signed a huge contract with them. Hmm. Then they acquired Marcus Camby for literally nothing. Even more interesting. They still have "Cool-as-a-cat" Cuttino Mobley and Tim Thomas, who, despite their relative anonymity, are crafty-ass vets who can knock down shots and play D. Ricky Davis is there for some reason, as is the creepiest NBAer, Chris Kaman. But the rest are guys just out to make a name for themselves. Al Thornton and Eric Gordon head up this crew of hungry young guys who can ball. I bet the Clips make the playoffs this year, because there's not enough room for them, plus the Warriors, Blazers, Nuggets, and Mavs.

Sacramento Kings: Beno Udrih made Kobe fall in a preseason game. Kevin Martin flushed on Greg Oden in a preseason game, for which Mikki Moore awarded him $1,000. That's about it for the highlights for this season for this team. The Kings have the douchiest owners in the league, the Maloof brothers. The Maloof brothers are way more interested in moving the team to Las Vegas, except this will never happen because when David "The Sternbot" Stern thinks of Las Vegas, he thinks of Tim Donaghy's gambling and the odyssey of a one Adam "Pacman" Jones at All-Star Weekend in Vegas. Fuck this team.

NBA Divisional Preview: Northwest


Sorry for the temporary absence, the Icehouse had some shit to take care of. But hopefully I'll get these next couple of posts done before tip off tomorrow. Furthermore, I received a question as to what sort of order I'm doing these divisional previews in. The order is the order in which they are listed on nba.com.

Denver Nuggets: The Nuggets are a good team to begin the Western Conference with. As the East has begun to not suck quite so much, some teams in the West are in decline. The Nuggets, well, who knows what they're going to be like this year. They had two of the top three scorers in the league last year, with the two cats you see above, but outside of that, they never played defense. What'd they do to remedy this situation? They got rid of Defensive P.O.Y. Marcus Camby, and replaced him with Chris "The Birdman" Andersen. In all fairness, Nene was out for a good portion of the year, and he can be a force to be reckoned with on his good nights. Unfortunately, this team doesn't really have a point guard outside of Chucky Atkins. They also have J.R. Smith, who is a perpetual question mark on every possession. Is he going to launch a half-court shot? Is he going to take it to the rack? Nobody knows, you just have to watch to find out.

Minnesota Timberwolves: Ok, the first time I tried to get their roster, just now, I typed in www.nba.com/twolves/roster. This took me to a team that included Sam Cassell, Kevin Garnett, "Rookie" Ndudi Ebi, and an advertisement for a Latrell Spreewell jersey. This just goes to show how much thought goes into this organization. It's a wonder that Kevin McHale still has a job. If you were wondering, the '08-'09 roster includes none of the aforementioned players. It does have some good players, but I don't see any cohesiveness. I'm frankly surprised that Al Jefferson isn't more popular than he is. He's not the most athletically gifted player, but he does play the game the way it's supposed to be played. Other things to notice with the Wolves is that they have some quasi-exciting players in Corey Brewer and Rodney Carney, a couple of Grizz fugees that came over in the trade Mayo-Love trade, and the fact that this team is short and fat. The lone seven-footer is Jason Collins, and he'll never see the court. Sebastian Telfair Sebastian Telfair Sebastian Telfair Sebas...

Portland Trailblazers: A decade ago, this was my second-favorite team in the league (outside of the closest NBA squad to my hometown). I think that this year has returned them to that status. I can't wait to watch this team play. They're young, they're athletic, and they made noise last year WITHOUT their first round pick. Now, Greg Oden's back for his first official rookie season. They also have two Spaniards that played very well in the Olympics, Rudy Fernandez and Sergio Rodriguez (Rudy flushed a huge dunk in the gold medal game). Brandon Roy was the Rookie of the Year in '07, LeMarcus Aldridge is great, Travis Outlaw is also fun. The main man will be Greg Oden, though. Not only are the eyes of Portland fans on him, but he now has a standing bounty on his head with many NBA teams after Mikki Moore reportedly gave Kevin Martin $1,000 for jamming one in Oden's face.

Utah Jazz: A perpetual thorn in the side of me and most Western Conference teams, the Jazz are always in the playoffs. This year will be no different. They come back boasting the most Olympians of any NBA team (Deron Williams and Carlos Boozer repping the USA), and really, really want to get back in the finals for the first time since Jordan beat them in '98. Mehmet Okur is a constant matchup problem, as a tall, thick guy that can bang, or hit a 30-footer at the shot clock. The team is tall, plays D, has a hall-of-fame coach in Jerry Sloan, and a pretty cool slogan: Life Off, Game On.

Oklahoma City Thunder: Not a whole lot you can say about this team. They have a stupid name, stupid mascot, stupid uniforms, and an owner who quite despicably yanked the team away from the city that had been good to them for more than four decades. I hate to say this, especially because I love Kevin Durant, but it's going to be good to watch this team get fucked night in and night out. Of course, they will have a couple of highlight reel dunks from Desmond Mason, and KD could blow up for 50 in a game this season. Jeff Green needs to improve a lot for this team to win more than 20 games. And don't get me started on their big guys.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Monday Morning Shit Storm




Boo.

Well Halloween is upon us, so the only logical shit storm is debating the best Halloween costumes right?

Wrong. Dead F-ing wrong.

Everyone thinks All hallows eve is all about costumes, candy, and celebrating with friends and family.

They are also wrong.

Halloween is essentially an excuse to F shit up. What, you think giving sugar to costumed adolescents is not a recipe for disaster?

So for this storm we are going to talk about the true meaning of Halloween.

Pranks.

Now I'm going to go against shit storm rules because there isn't a malicious prank that I don't love, however there is one that holds a special place in my heart.

Two words about this: Piss and Poor

I don't like to brag, but where I come from Tping is not a silly prank, it's a way of life.

Notice how they only hit the lower tree levels. I hope they realize that the toilet paper can be easily removed at that level, obviously they did not use the proper stiff arm form. It seems that they only used 10 rolls, and look at all the wasted paper on the ground...kids today.

So for the shit storm, list your favorite Halloween prank. I have about 50 off the top of my head.

NFL live Chat

Return of the chat.

Sunday hangover kitchen:
Roll one egg and three sausage links in a pancake.

Let me give you a rundown on how my weekend went.
VT lost
Rhodes lost
And my fantasy team can be summed up in this line: I'm starting J.T O'Sullivan.
But hey my high school team won to bring our record to 1-8.

Enough about me, we have some decent NFL games to talk about.
...wait no we don't.

The only game worth anything is Pittsburgh Vs. New York.
There is also Tampa at Dallas if your into that whole team collapse thing.

Well there is always the Sunday night game. Right? This weekend gets better and better.

I love baseball, but not when it compromises my football viewing experience.

I don't even know why we're chatting.
I'm just going to watch season one of the Wire.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!


OK, I never really wanted to put Dirk on this blog, but I think it goes without saying that if THIS is the player your city rallies around, you deserve a big kick in the collective crotch. Seriously, Dirk is terrible.

Woo! Fall is in the air! A little bit cold, but pleasant weather. Perfect for tailgating. Woo!

Each team has their own way to pump themselves up before going out onto the field to play a football game. It's a necessity. University of Colorado Buffaloes? They throw themselves a huge-ass rave before each game. Behold, the radicalness that is, the THUNDER CHUTE.

NFL CRIME WATCH SUBSECTION: Last night, Santonio Holmes was pulled over. He was cooperative with police, not impaired, and was even friendly when handing over several blunts to the officer. He was cited with misdemeanor possession (thus not warranting a full Crime Watch). In Fun bag-related news, Santonio Holmes likes to take pictures of himself naked.

Last year, the Mavs traded virtually their whole team for Jason Kidd. People then were saying that Devin Harris was an adequate replacement, and that due to his youth/athleticism, the Nets wouldn't miss Kidd. This may all be true, but Devin Harris also got done dirty by a short, white, British streetballer.

Paul Pierce goes to New Kids On The Block concerts. Still think you're cool, Boston?

Finally, Red Bull Rampage is back for the attack. Amazing camera work to capture some amazing scenery and even more amazing Mountain Biking.

That's it for this week. Now these florescent lights are killing me. Let's get the fuck out of here.

Sports commercials. Wow



They are 3 out of 4 on the D-bag department.

In fact, This can't be real.

CFB Midterm



Everything is bigger in Texas, even blog pictures.

I have No idea whatsoever if this week is the "middle" of the CFB season, but I had two midterms this week, so I was like "what the hell lets have a CFB midterm."

Your BCS Standings.
1. TEXAS
2. Alabama
3. PSU
4. OU
5. USC
6. T. Boone Pickens
7. UGA
8. TT
9. Tosu
10. Tim Tebow

Let's just break this down by conference:
BIG XII Let me get this straight, three undefeated teams, all in the south, and they are UT, TT, and TBP. Well I somewhat hinted at two of these teams. All self promotion aside this is great for anyone who is not a fan of one of these teams, because it sets up a Big XII south gauntlet for the next couple weeks. Texas plays TBP this weekend and then must travel to Lubbock a week later to take on the Red Raiders. TBP simply does not impress me that much, however they are still a solid team and Robinson is throwing darts. TT I want to believe, I really do, but then I look at your schedule and there is no way you make it out without a loss. Oh and there is also this team called OU who could piss everyone off, if Texas has some type of collapse, but that won't happen. There is also a Northern division. KU vs. MU. That's really all you need to know.

SEC SEC SEC SEC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shut up. Just shut up. I hate that stupid chant. Way to beat Miami Tim Tebow, that, without a doubt, is surely the exemplar of games to show your dominance over the country.
Dear Auburn, not only did I tell you this would happen, but you are also on temporary Arkansas status, meaning that you are forbidden from cheering for the "SEC." Why? Well if you lose to a bunch of low life cousin lovers who won't win the Big East then you're SEC elitism status is removed.
So the SEC is back to it's old tricks. Undefeated leader. Several solid one loss teams. Alcohol. Corn Dogs. Seriously though, Bama looks solid and a half. Saban has constructed a team reminiscent of his LSU championship team. They can run the rock, and they can stuff the rock. You also have UGA, Tim Tebow, and LSU in the mix. How will it shake out? I have no clue, it's the SEC they do shit differently down there. Probably Bama and Tim Tebow in the final.

Big Ten (11)
Hey PSU is back!! Unfortunately, Tosu is also in the top ten. They play this weekend for an outright cross face crippler on the rest of the conference. PSU hasn't won in the Horseshoe since 1978. A Tosu team who's only loss is to another top ten team. Scary as shit.

Pac-10
Sucks. USC.
Big East
...

ACC
The ACC is crazy like the SEC, but for different reasons. ACC teams suck so bad that their shittiness has a created a complete cluster F at the top of both divisions. VT was the most consistent until last week, after throwing a brick at some UVA kid I thought about the conference championship and ... Why am I talking about the ACC? Prediction?
Flexboning=BCS
(No I didn't throw a brick at some UVA kid, but it would have been a lot cooler if I did)

Other conferences who play football
I've been on the Boise bandwagon since Zabransky's freshman year, and I can't imagine a team called the "Utes" being in a significant college football game.

The best thing about this year is all the doomsday scenarios that come up. There are so many that completely throw a wrench into the whole BCS system. Think about Alabama or Texas losing late? An undefeated big ten team getting in over a one loss SEC team. The ultimate is USC vs. Tosu, but that wont happen, it's just scary to think about.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

NBA Divisional Preview: Southeast


If this picture doesn't get your blood aboilin' you gots problems.

Orlando Magic: Disappointment. That's what last year was. This team should really be getting at people every single night. Dwight Howard is a manchild that hates rims, swallows rebounds by the dozen. Rashard Lewis is the $100 Million Man, and seems to be worth it on most nights. Hedo "Turkeyglue" Turkoglu was the 6th man of the year last year, but could never hit the big shot. Adding Mickael Pietrus will help them out on both ends of the floor, plus the dude is crazy fun to watch. That said, the team has J.J. Redick. Watching that sack of shit fail gives me a filthy kind of pleasure. We're also going to say that he's example #1 of Duke players don't win. However, considering how he never plays, the Magic better get to the ECF, or their season is worthless. Plus they have new unis.

Atlanta Hawks: I don't want to say that this is the team of the future, because that would be just crazy. But, they have a very young core group of guys, and they did take the Celtics to seven in the first round of the playoffs, giving me all the more reason to like them. They don't have any really big names, Mike Bibby being the most recognizable. But, they do have Josh "J-Smoove" Smith, Joe Johnson, Al Horford, Acie Law, and Zaza Pachulia. Well, forget about the last one. The thing is, they ran, they jumped, they irritated people, and the only person they lost was Josh Childress to Olimpiacos (Greece). So, they should be primed to cause damage in the fluid East.

Washington Wizards: A dark horse to win the East a couple of years ago, these guys have fallen on hard times. Gil went from being the deadliest assassin to some jerk who brags about how he doesn't want to vote because both candidates are going to raise taxes on him. And he's always hurt. Brendan Haywood's out for a while. Then you have Caron "The Koran" Butler, who has injury problems, leaving the team to Antawn Jamison. Lump him in with Antonio Daniels (still the funkiest dunker in Spurs history), and a host of no-names who are better at blogging and getting arrested by undercover cops posing as hookers (looking at you, Andray Blatche), and this team will is lucky to be in the East, which almost guarantees a postseason. That's a huge disappointment, but they need to prove me wrong.

Miami Heat: Last season? Fuck 'em. This season? FLASH is back! Did you see the Olympics? Did you see Dwyane Wade flying all over the place, leading USA in scoring off the bench? Assuming he can do that often, the Heat are right back where they left off two years ago. Minus Shaq, of course. Shawn "The Matrix" Marion is an extremely valuable, if not volatile character. But of course, they did get Michael "No snitchin"/"B-Easy" Beasley, who somehow got a mad fine due to Mario "Superintendent" Chalmers' weed smoking during the rookie camp. It's a long, convoluted story apparently. I don't really have anything positive to say about the rest of the team. They're pretty lousy. Udonis Haslem will forever be remembered for throwing his mouthpiece at a ref. Shaun Livingston will forever be remembered for the most grotesque NBA knee injury to date (youtube it and shudder). So... maybe they'll make the playoffs, but don't expect great things.

Charlotte Bobcats: This team is the best example of one thing: College basketball is inferior to the NBA. Take every player that had a stellar college season, put them on a team and what happens? They Suck! They SUCK ASS! The BETcats have no shot. Sorry. "Oh, but Icehouse, they play for something more noble than money in college." What's that, an education? Don't attempt to give me a sob story. They don't. They play for free room, board, booze, weed, and girls in college. Only difference is that in the pros they eliminate the middle man and give you straight cash and they let YOU sort it out. I mean, put together a dream team of college players from this decade, you'll see most of them on this team. They still suck. They will suck. They'll draft next year's great college player, and he'll suck. I just can't... you know... fuck it. Just... fuck it.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

NBA Divisional Preview: Central


Alright, Central Division, Eastern Conference. Now we're getting into some shit. But as we can all see, Sheed wants that title back!

Detroit Pistons: Another perennial power in the once weak East, these guys know how to win. Or do they? They're always in the favorites, even having the second-best record in the L last year, but just can't seem to get over the hump. Last time they made it to the finals, the Spurs were there to shut them down. Since then, the Heat, Cavaliers, and Celtics have been the team to make it out, while Motown is left wondering what could have been and what went wrong. This squad looks like it's somewhere between the powerhouse days of old and a rebuilding team. After Sheed, Antonio "Dice" McDyess, Chauncey "Mr. Big Shot" Billups, and Rip Hamilton, the most experienced player on the roster is Kwame "Crummy" Brown (!). This is all sorts of crazy. There are too many question marks to say whether or not this team can make it to the finals, but there is plenty of potential in Rodney Stuckey (who we know can ball), Arron Affalo, Will Bynum, and Amir Johnson. Look to Jason Maxiell to develop a 15-17 foot game to justify his wanting a bigger contract.

Cleveland Cavaliers: LeBron. That's it. That's all there is to know. The rest of the crew is there, Big Z, Wally, "Sideshow Bob" Varejao. The other players would have to include Daniel "Boobie" Gibson, and newly acquired Mo Williams. But there's only one thing that matters. As goes LeBron, so go the Cavs. These clowns are going to have off nights, but if LeBron has even a slightly less than gold medal performance, they will lose. Of course, if someone can do it, it's gotta be Bron.

Indiana Pacers: Man, now we're getting dirty. The Pacers had a fire sale after the Malace at the Palace, getting rid of all the trouble makers that ran into the crowd and wrecked up the place. Still, they have quite the ill image, thanks to Marquis Daniels and Jamaal Tinsley (although Bird has made it quite clear that Tinsley won't be on the team for long). Add in some unproven college standouts (Roy Hibbert, Josh McRoberts, Brandon Rush), some straight weiners (Travis Deiner, Mike Dunleavy), and the worst rapper in NBA history, Troy Murphy, and you get maybe the worst team in the league.

Milwaukee Bucks: Michael Redd won a gold medal this past summer. The list of positives ends there. They got Richard Jefferson for Yi Jianlian, but then what? Andrew Bogut, a bling hater, Luc Mbah a Moute was always questionable, Luke Ridnour, Charlie Villanueva, and Booker Pogue's least favorite Big Easter, Joe Alexander, all... well... fuck it. Gilbert Arenas said it best. Nobody wants to play in Milwaukee.

Chicago Bulls: This once proud franchise has been nothing, repeat, nothing since Jordan left, save for one season filled with hope on the backs of Ben Gordon and Luol Deng. Now, they apparently beef over who gets more money, with Ben Gordon entertaining prospects of going to CSKA Moscow and Luol wishing everybody would just shut up. Joakim Noah is the world's ugliest Chihuahua. Andres Nocioni is the most overpaid Argentine (which is saying a lot). Kirk Hinrich didn't even get invited by Samwise and Frodo to go to Mt. Doom, and they were both some bitches. Drew Gooden sucks. Tyrus Thomas and Larry Hughes play only for a check. Thabo Sefalosha is ok, but never gets passed to. Derrick Rose, the hometown cat, has a little bit of work ahead of him, before he makes good on his MVP aspirations.

Caption Contest!



"Hey dog, when are you gonna get me out of Cleveland?"

or...

Jay-Z = LeBron > PDiddy = Knicks

or...

"Keep working on the handshake, Bron, or we can't let you into the Roc-a-Fella clubhouse."

This picture should be caption gold. Prove your worth!

NCAA BASKETBALL PREVIEW :: BIG EAST

So there you are, sitting in an office, proud of yourself for wearing a tie, hoping like hell that your boss will forget you exist today. And you’re combing the internet for softcore porn. And football news. Because there you are, fat and happy, thinking its Football McTitty season.

Right? Wrong. Dead wrong.

Well, only partially. It’s always football titty season. But it’s also time for college basketball. Why? Because Kentucky says so, that’s why. While the rest of the world sees college basketball as relegated to December – March, UK sold 24,000 tickets to a fucking practice in 40 minutes, and bumped the date up to October 10th, all thanks to a loophole exploited by Coach Billy Clyde. That’s right ladies, there’s more to the man than a 12 pack of Red Dog and a half tank of gas – he’s a strategerizer, too.

Thus I, Old Booker Pogue (Photo), have authored your ’08-’09 NCAA basketball preview. I’ll explain each BCS conference (poorly) to give you an objectively omniscient biased perspective on the season ahead.

NB: We aren’t going to waste time on mid-majors because nobody cares until they can upset Kansas in the first or second round of any year but last year. Bucknell, we’ll see you in March. Until then, talk to Kyle Whelliston’s shittybeard. (We’ll actually talk about Memphis, Davidson, and maybe somebody else, because they’re proven pains in the ass of the BCS conferences.)
For your first conference, I give you the…
_______________________________________________________________________
Big East.
Alias: “The conference for all schools unwelcome in other BCS conferences, regardless of geography, religion, or criminal record.” see: Louisville, DePaul, USF, Seton Hall, Rutgers, Cincy...





Regrettable Truths:

  1. Joe Alexander foolishly went pro. Just as the young man raised in Chongkong, Koreastan (or some other God forsaken place without forks) was overcoming his lack of AAU experience and the dumb look on his face with quick footwork and surprising athleticism, he goes pro. Prone to the Kevin McHale “every shot is a fade-away” syndrome, he still had great touch around the rim. Now, still raw, he’ll probably get benched by the Bucks. WVU plays Davidson and Ohio State in December. We’ll see how the transition from Beilein’s trapdoor-cardigan-layup style to Huggabear’s Gangviolence-n-Bloodvapor offense fares without Big Joe. Look for WVU to miss the cross-eyed young chinaman with the American name.
  2. TV is going to tell me that Luke Harangody is good at basketball. Luke Harangody looks like the ogre from Goonies. I don’t understand the physics behind his game. I look at him warming up and think he’s the kind of guy who should be making dream catchers out of sticks and yarn at a local community center run by nuns and/or former middleweight title contenders. But somehow he gets the job done. Look for him to be the next Big Country – dropping 30+ against weaker, perimeter oriented teams (‘Nova, Marquette, U of L) but struggling against big boys. In two games against Hasheem Thabeet and one against Roy Hibbert he shot a combined 21-60. Hibbert’s gone, but if Thabeet snorts his ‘uppers’ in the pregame, we’ll get a preview of the “Harangody Pre-NBA-Futility Experience” (HPNFE).
  3. Derrick Caracter essentially forced Rick Pitino to get rid of him. Caracter stays, U of L loses 10+ games. Caracter gone, they’re scary. This guy was locker room cancer in the biggest way, and now he’s gone. As it stands, they return Edgar Sosa, Earl Clark, and Terrence Williams while adding Samardo Samuel, the #1 recruit of this year’s class at alternating points by Rivals and Scout. I would have preferred that they sucked, but odds are good that the stars will all flee to the pros next year and karma will once again dine on the festering remains of Rick Pitino’s soul.
Players to Fear:
  1. I’d say the entire UCONN team. They’ll finally be back, depending on how many of its players Calhoun can keep out of prison. Seriously, is any NCAA basketball non-affiliate more important to a basketball program than UCONN’s parole officer? The answer is yes, and that would be the guy who paid OJ Mayo in retro jerseys, corndogs, and trips to the zoo. But that’s another debate for another day. In the meantime, AJ Price’s knee has healed, Hasheem Thabeet wisely turned down the NBA, and Jeff Adrien is back for his senior campaign. Freshmen Kemba Walker and Ater Majok (actual name, not anagram of Jak-o-Mater) are game-changers. Much as I dislike him, kudos to Calhoun for beating cancer during the offseason (makes your Saturday streak of beer-pong wins a little less impressive, doesn’t it?) and to Price for recup’ing the knee he blew out in the upset loss to San Diego last year.
  2. Jerel McNeal. This guy’s a fuckin warrior. He’s the floor general of a deceptively strong Golden Eagle squad with some great weapons and better defense provided by Dominic James, Wesley Matthews and Lazar Hayward. His stat lines in March were ridiculous. For a 1-guard, he gets his baskets when the team needs him. Should he have gone pro? Probably not, as he pisses away turnovers. But he’s the glue. Absurd prediction: so goes Jerel McNeal, so goes the Big East. Longer teams like U of L may give them a hard time, but this is my dark horse in the conference, provided the new coach doesn’t try to fuck up a well-oiled machine.

Probable Outcomes:
  1. Pittsburgh will disappoint all of its believers and choke. Far and away the “Kansas of the East.” Why isn’t this team in the Big Ten? They hate running the floor, they hate high-percentage shoots, but they love running clock and ill-advised slinging of the ball to aloof caucasian centers. I’ll say this: Dejuan Blair and Sam Young are tough. Make up a pretty imposing defense on paper. Just like the teams Ben Howland had before his mildly successful vacation in Westwood. Since ‘00-‘01, they have been in the Big East championship 7 times. In that time frame, they never made it out of the Sweet 16. These guys suck. Disclaimer: I hate them because they have cost me several tournament pools. ***UPDATE: I'm so right on this it's disgusting. Levance Fields is injured - take as much money on Pittsburgh as you can before they start to choke under pressure. The hard part there is finding somebody to lay money on Pittsburgh in the first place.
  2. Syracuse still won’t get it together. I’m thinking that the primary issue is Eric Devendorf’s line beard, but here’s a bold prediction: Jim Boeheim gives up his spot coaching the Dream Team. Both his and Scha’scheffski’s NCAA teams have slid during their tenures with LeBron. I think Boeheim does the right thing for his school and gets back to recruiting the way he used to. Corollary: Melo doesn’t play in the FIBA’s summer after next, we lose to Tajikistan in the bronze medal game, and Kobe blames Eric Montross. Jerry Colangelo shits a kidney stone.

  3. It’ll be some combination of Louisville, UConn, and Notre Dame in the conference championship game. Who is going to win the regular season? I don’t care because it doesn’t matter when you have a 16-team, single elimination conference tournament. It’s like a fuckin tee-ball league.
  4. Write it down: the Big East is to basketball what the (Texan) whiners claim the SEC is to football, with a ton of teams nationally ranked on reputation. But whereas the SEC dominates bowl games, the Big East usually can only put 1/8 of their tourney teams in the Elite 8. Look for this trend to hold form. I only see Louisville and UConn as legitimate Final Four threats. Georgetown, Villanova, and Pittsburgh are all ranked on association rather than assets and experience. I could be wrong about the Hoyas, but you’ll have forgotten I said this by the time Greg Monroe adjusts to being the spoke of Thompson3’s bizarre offense.

Much as I hate to say it, they’ve still got the highest concentration of upper-level talent this year. The ACC is thinning out from the middle of the pack to the cellar, the Big Ten is up in the air, the Big 12 has nothing after the top two or three teams, and the SEC is a couple years away from being competitive on this scale. But don’t worry, I still say most of these teams are too young to challenge outside of the Sweet 16. So let it be written, so let it be done.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

NBA Divisional Preview: Atlantic


The NBA season kicks off one week from tonight, so for the next couple of days, we'll be bringing you a preview division by division. Our first division? The Eastern Conference's Atlantic.

The past couple of years have seen the Atlantic be pretty dismal, but as the photo above reminds us, that has definitely changed.

Boston Celtics: You know the story. It was the entire buzz since more than a year ago when the Beantown Green traded their entire team for the Big Ticket and Jesus Shuttlesworth. The pieces around may change, but Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen, and the self-proclaimed "Best Player in the World" Paul Pierce, know the score. They're back for more, because who knows how long it will last. The x-factor may be Rajon Rondo, who showed fantastic improvement. A consistent J added to Rondo's nose for the ball and mind-boggling speed would definitely bring the C's back to the promised land.

Toronto Raptors: The Canadian team won the second-rate division two years ago, and things have sure changed since. The offense still runs through Bosh, but with the added twist of having Jermaine O'Neal on the squad. The departure of T.J. Ford means that Jose Calderon will be running the point pretty much the entire game. Andrea Bargnani is still improving, but depending on the night, he can be like Dirk Nowitzki, or be an empty uniform. Regardless, don't forget that Jamario Moon can dunk on anybody.

Philadelphia 76ers: Two words: Elton Brand. He's what's important. He's a perpetual 20-10 player, and should be primed to run roughshod all over some of the weaker big guys in the East (although there are increasingly fewer by the day it seems). Add in some young cats that can run and score with the best of them, namely USA Select killer Andre Iguodala, plus Thaddeus Young and Louis Williams, the 6ers should capitalize on their making the playoffs last year.

New Jersey Nets: It's hard to be positive with this team. Sure they have Vince Carter, but the dude hasn't impressed in a while. They traded Richard Jefferson for Yi "Ginandjuice" Jianlian, which will add some size that they haven't seen since the Todd McCullough days. They traded Jason Kidd for about half of the Mavericks last year, but what did they really get out of that? Devin Harris, Eduardo Najera, and the rights to Keith Van Horn. Najera's a decent role player, but Van Horn has been garbage, and even though he's listed on the roster, doesn't even have a number. However, they have Chris Douglass-Roberts, who should be interesting to watch, and Sean Williams. Williams may be the best dunker in the league right now, but he's also dumb enough to say that Najera and Jianlian are Anglo-Saxon. True Story.

New York Knicks: Jamal Crawford and David Lee are good players. The rest of the team looks like a sick joke. Little-ass Nate Robinson flying around, Quentin Richardson wondering where the time went, Stephon Marbury bringing the sort of crazy that only he can, Chris Duhon being team captain, Zach Randolph shooting people, Eddy Curry being fat, Danilo Gallinari wishing he was still in Italy, and Malik Rose being the only player on the team with a ring. Throw in Allan Houston's old ass, and a new coach who loves nothing but fast breaks. Should be fun.

Stay tuned. Should be a fun season.

BoSox Fans Show Their True Colors


Imagine this scenario, if you will, and maybe this expression will begin to reflect your own. I know I'd be slightly more than irate.

You're riding a bus to your home stadium, back from a harrowing trip to south Florida, in which you, the defending World Series Champion, were narrowly defeated in an almost-miraculous ALCS comeback game. You're worn out because you gave it your all to stay alive in Game Five, so you've been running on nothing but fumes and Schwartz ever since. You've actually been worn out for longer than that; you've been to four ALCS's since 2003, twice winning it all. Finally you arrive at the point of refuge, Fenway Park, the one place where you can go and everybody knows your name, even if you are the back-up first baseman and have a .003 batting average. While the sting of defeat may not be disposed of easily, at least you know you'll always have a collective warm embrace from some of the best fans in baseball, Red Sox Nation.

You get off the bus and realize that no one is there to greet you, save for a handful of pimpled interns working for the press and someone who is serving their community service sentence by picking up litter along Yawkey Way.

Insert an endless tapestry of profanities concerning your misbegotten and fair-weather fans that you will surely begin to weave here.

While this may sound like some sort of far-fetched tale about what would have to be some of the worst fans in baseball, this is in fact what happened following the Red Sox's loss in Game Seven of this year's ALCS. But the conclusion of the fantasy mirrors that of the reality: Boston Fans suck.

What happened, Nation? Have you abandoned your conventional senses? This is a team that has only missed the playoffs once since 2003, and despite numerous Super Bowls and even an NBA Championship, put your city back on the athletic map. Don't kid yourselves, Bean Towners — the victories of other sports pale in comparison to the hoisting of the long-awaited World Series trophy in 2004 and it made those other victories only sweeter.

Have you forgotten those 31,411 days that there was no championship to boast? You supposedly stood by your team through the Bill Buckner days and years of utter domination by your arch rivals, the New York Sellout Yankees. Yet with your narrowed championship vision, you have abandoned those admirable principals for a larger payroll and a champs-only-no-excuses mentality. You have become the very thing you hated. Shame on you.

Like the gold digging wives who leave their investment banking husbands just when the market goes sour, you Boston Fans need an attitude adjustment. Everyone knows the worst kind of fans are fair-weather fans, and while you may have boasted somewhat commendable loyalty throughout the years, you have become beguiled by your winning ways and the proof is this, this latest display which is downright egregious.

Maybe CF Coco Crisp said it best. "There's always next year." Then again, just ask the Cubs how good it feels to say that over and over again.


For the Ladies

(Click to set the mood)
God I miss ninth grade dances, remember how it was awesome when girls put their arms around your shoulders. Fuck that balloon rule.
If you are new to the "For the Ladies" series please refer to the post that started it all.

In this edition we are going to talk about something that is near and dear to my heart, corny action flicks.
Observe:

This is where I'm coming from (you really have to watch the whole thing in order to fully appreciate the genius of "Undefeatable")
(also the key to a man's heart is not through his stomach, it is cheering during this scene)

I know most of our male readers love this, however our female readers most likely find this repulsive. So in this edition of "For the Ladies" we are going to create a female viewing guide for corny action films.

First point, Undefeatable is on the same level as this:

Love.
So what do these movies have in common?
Corny lines. Check
Inflated conflict. Check
Predictable plot. Double check.


Here's the thing, all corny action flicks and corny chick flicks are essentially the same. The key is prediction.

So how does someone like Steve Lattimer make it through insufferable love stories? Well the same way I make it through amusing action films, I predict what the hell is going to happen. It's so easy a caveman could do it.

It's like a game, you just try to predict what is going to happen and test your hypothesis at the end of the film. (betting money is highly recommended) Seriously though, I'm positive that most people can predict 90% of the endings of corny action/chick flicks. As Don Delaware says "SCARED $$$$ DON'T MAKE $$$$, BET BIG AND BET YOUR GUT"

Indeed.

So how do you make these predictions? well lets look at a case study.

Steven Seagal.

I'll give you a little excerpt from my thesis paper Steven Seagal: A reflection on American culture.

Steven Seagal embodies the corny action film. However, the principles that define Steven Seagal movies are also present in Chick Flicks.
Observe:

Conflict- In every movie Seagal is fighting somebody, typically he fights terrorists. these terrorists may be domestic, or they may this variety. However, this is not the point. The point is that there is some conflict and Seagal needs to kill this conflict. So what does this have to do with chick flicks? Well...chick flicks also have a conflict, however instead of killing terrorists they have a love conflict. Yes thats right Richard Gere is on the same level as these guys. (It's not Seagal but it's epic)Now, the best part. It's totally predictable Seagal will ultimately kill the terrorists and the two lovebirds will have a fairytale dream.Furthermore, Seagal will have to overcome adversity to kill, just like some character in a chick flick will have to overcome obstacles in order to realize true love. It's the same bullshit, packaged differently.

Arm Breaking-
There are three things I know about Seagal movies, He's going to get in a knife fight, he is going to make an explosive device out of everyday products, and he will break bones. Typically he breaks arms several times, however he will also perform the classic neck snap. What some people fail to realize is that the obligatory Seagal break is the same thing as the romantic kiss. It never fails, Seagal will kill someone and the two lovebirds will kiss.

Cheesy Lines-Seagal's unsung talent is his ability to use corny lines in various movies. To me these lines are hilarious, but not as hilarious as the lines seen in some romantic movies. In order to handle these situations I advise everyone to take these lines for what they are worth, and laugh hysterically when the occur.

Don't try to argue with me, both contain the same substance as my Golden when she wants to play with her rope.

Hopefully, this will give our female readers a sampling of what to expect from a corny action film. Understand that it is essentially the equivalent of a chick flick and the only way to suffer through it is betting on the outcome. Which is more American than apple pie. Seagal, however would not approve because he lives a virtuous life.

Note there are some exceptions where the good guys die in the end. Note here and here. But their death serves a greater purpose. Just like when Jennifer Anniston breaks up with Vince Vaughn in...well "The Break up"

But what about the common ground?

A TGORH reader from Russia writes:

Dear capitalist pig,

My name is Anya and I live in the Sakhanian republic of the Russian Federation. I very much like your Steve Lattimer's For the Ladies segment on The Hobbs of Ghost Roy. You talk very much about understanding however I need common ground in order to better understand husband I will meet in the great USA.

(Note-there is no Russian reader named Anya, and I apologize to our Russian readers for the blunt stereotyping)

1. Great Question Anya!
2. Scoreboard.

Anya poses a great question, are there any movies that can satisfy both testosterone and estrogen?

The answer is a resounding yes. They are crossover movies, or movies disguised as a chick flick/male movie.

Did you ever see Tin cup or Bull Durham? Total romance movies. You don't agree? Think on it for a second....
That's what I thought

The fact of the matter is that there are hundreds of movies which appeal to both

Jerry Maguire? It's a love story, but Cruise is a sports agent dealing with football.

Meet the Parents? It's funny, but it's a Romantic Comedy.

Days of Thunder? "Oh it's about NASCAR so it's cool." (NASCAR is not romantic or cool in any way)

And dare I say...
Top Gun? When you watch that movie you want to do three things. 1. Get a cool nickname. 2. Become a fighter pilot. 3. Hook up with your flight instructor. It is a total chick flick, but its cool because Cruise kills Russians. oh and this scene.

So to recap:
1. predict the end in order to make your viewing experience more enjoyable.
(bet money)
2. Richard Gere=Terrorists.
3. Killing=Kissing.
4. Corny lines know no boundaries.
5. Persuade your significant other to watch a crossover movie.

And always remember.

Stay tuned for the next edition of "For the Ladies"

Monday, October 20, 2008

Arkansas' Torii Hunter: Man-Crush


Late Friday afternoon I was called into my boss' office. A new assignment had been dropped by the Head Honcho's desk, and he needed someone with my deft skills and rapier wit to properly cover and detail an event to be held at the Governor's Mansion in Little Rock.

Actually they needed a writer who had a tux available, and fully aware of my Tuxedo Tuesday ritual, they knew I had the goods and gave me the assignment.

I attended the Arkansas Black Hall of Fame's 16th Annual Induction Ceremony, and preceding reception. The Hall perennially inducts six new members, five living and one posthumously, for those who have excelled in their respective fields while having Arkansan roots. I was never able to tell if the excelling of these individuals was remarkable because the inductees were African-American or because they had Arkansas ties. Woo pig sooie, anyway.

I had a great time. The Champagne flowed, the Governor gabbed, and hands were shaken. Speaking of the Arkansas Executive, Governor Mike Beebe (who called me a "funny son of a gun") even added flavor with a salutary pound to his African-American friends, which I thought was special.

Of the inductees, the most notable name was that of Angels center fielder Torii Hunter. Hunter is from Pine Bluff, Arkansas, which makes his successes even more compelling and amazing. For those of you who luckily are not in the know, Pine Bluff is the Mississippi of Arkansas (sorry Daly, but it's true). There's a paper plant there that not only reeks in 500 miles in the wind's direction, but literally has crippled the southeastern section of the Natural State. Despite all of this, Hunter has gone on to a very profitable MLB career, earning seven Gold Gloves and becoming one of the league's best athletes, currently playing for the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of California of the United States of North America of Earth. Disney is currently in talks to add Milky Way to their title, but is currently hitting a snag with the Mars bar people.

Needless to say, I was pumped. I figured that he'd be courteous, but in a polite I-know-I-can-buy-you way. So I interviewed him about his role in the Arkansas Black Hall of Fame, to which he replied that he was first and foremost very humbled by the nomination and subsequent induction. We wrapped up our brief interview on the note that he was happy to represent Arkansas by being a good role-model for young people who may struggle. A little cliché perhaps, but pretty cool when you can see the sincerity in the man's eyes.

After pausing my recorder, I thought that would be the end of it. I went about my way and found a waiter to grab me a glass of the bubbly. I watched Hunter walk around, greeting everyone. Then he came by and we started chatting. It was awesome. Torri Hunter is a stand-up and classy American. He wouldn't throw Minneapolis under the bus, but said that he really loved LA. We talked about the World Series (Hunter says "Look out for the Rays."), and baseball in general. We ended our conversation by him saying "Man, you're just as important as I am. I'm just a regular guy." I swear to God, I nearly choked up.

So it's official. I have my first man-crush. Darren McFadden came close for a little bit, but due to pending pregnancy tests for his numerous illegitimate kids, my affections had waned. Torii Hunter is awesome on the field and off. I'm an Angels fan (after the Cardinals, of course). I would do for Torii Hunter what I would scoff at and never do for my family members. Man-crush: It's on.

In all seriousness, it was really pretty cool to see that at least one of sport's best and brightest isn't a complete and total douche. Looking at you, Tom Brady. Don't let me down, LeBron. Pelé?...You're alright.

Monday Morning Shit Storm.



Yes, That is Chase Daniel. Yes, He is eating a booger. Yes, I deserved everything that happened this weekend. Karma is a bitch.
But hey the Rams won, which is nice.

To the Rays of Tampa: THANK YOU

On to the shit storm, I took a little road trip this weekend. And let me tell you it was insane, girls, booze, townies...actually none of that happened, I had to get a desk out of my sister's house. Actually, the townie part is true. We also went to the wine bar, and being the wise-ass that I am, I asked for the 2005 Boone's Farm Melon Ball.

They did not have it.

But, it seems that every time I go on a drive for more than 2 hours I witness every driving fault imaginable. Of course, like everyone else I believe I'm the best driver evar. I mean the list of driving pet peeves goes on forever, but the main issue I have all stems from the left lane.


Hey Honda Odyssey from Georgia, the left lane is for people who want to speed, If you want to drive 65 mph, go in the right lane and drink a glass of milk. The guy behind you has a tricked out honda civic, and I'm 99% sure that he has a radar detector, when he slows down I slow down. But, what really chaps my ass is the Escalade behind me. Listen, I realize the SOP to pass people, is to tail them at 70mph, but there is no way in hell I'm pulling over so you can advance 10 feet, and wait in the Honda train. That Civic is my wingman, and you never...ever leave your wingman. Look what happened to Goose and Maverick.

So for the shit storm, list the most egregious driving faults. Bonus points if you can identify a state or region where the faults occur.

Shit storm begin.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!


You can only tell Eli's drunk because he's holding a beer. He normally looks that retarded.

Is it Friday yet? Hell yes it is! This week took way to long to get over with. Some of that bullshit.

Ok. So we all know plenty about Shaq. The once-unstoppable force has pretty much been relegated to the role of a borderline back-up on the Suns. But Shaq's always been known for off-court fun as well. From getting a custom bike made for him on American Chopper, to fighting crime, to "Tell me how my ass tastes." Now, we get a great video of Shaq at home, dancing with his kids. Fantastic.

When Michael "Ookie" Vick went to jail, we prognosticated that Vick would spend his hard time beasting in the yard. As it turns out, we were correct. Vick: "Nah muhfucka, I play linebacker now."

Stephon Marbury has released a workout video. Generally, everything that Stephon Marbury does is funny, and this one seems no different. Not sure what kind of gyms allow sledgehammers.

American sports try to not show streakers as much as possible, thinking it will deter people from actually doing it. I find this pretty dumb. Anyways, soccer streakers are pretty well known, and this one is probably the best. WARNING! NSFW!

Finally, Kobe Bryant has been described as "the best player in the world," and is usually regarded as a defensive stopper. That said, Kobe, tell me how Beno Udrih's ass tastes.

Ok. Let's go. Let's get it. Let's blow this joint.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Caption Contest!


Reporter: "You said if I slept with you I wouldn't have to touch Phelps."

or...

Phelps: "Pay attention to me, America! Please?"

or...

Not now, chief. Phelps is in the zone.

Beat these captions, y'all.